*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a brown poncho, red undershirt, brown cowboy hat, blue jeans, brown cowboy boots and a month’s worth of facial hair. He’s got a holstered Colt 45 and a glass of pepsi*
Warlock: Fuckin howdy partners, its your host The Warlock.
*Warlock quickdraws his gun but doesn’t fire. He twirls it and holsters it before going back into the lair.*
Warlock: Alright you cowpokes. The reason I’m dressed like this is because tonight’s movie is the 1979 Western thriller The Villain!
*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner shaking her head. She’s in her standard attire*
Neyzor: You look ridiculous.
Warlock: Thanks for that sentiment. Anyway the movie is about Cactus Jack…no not Mick Foley…the famed outlaw who’s hired to rob a coach guarded by 32 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger before he was famous.
*Warlock sits on the couch*
Warlock: Saddle up riders, its time to put on The Villain.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Handsome Stranger has agreed to escort Charming Jones to collect her inheritance from her father. But Avery Simpson wants the money, and hires notorious outlaw Cactus Jack to ambush Charming. However, Cactus Jack is not very good at robbing people.”
Neyz: So is he a face or a heel?
*The first 2 minutes are the opening credits with a montage of Cactus Jack (Kirk Douglas) riding around on a horse.*
Warlock: If nothing else, it takes up 2 minutes of the run time.
Neyz: Great scenery too.
*Cactus Jack cleans his spurs and makes sure his gun is loaded.*
Warlock: Last time I shot this here thing it backfired and I feel off mah horse!
*Jack leaps to board a passing train…..and misses completely, falling flat on his face*
Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha
*Jack rides in town and tells his horse Whiskey that he’s the boss. The horse bucks him off*
Neyz: Yeah, that’ll teach him who’s the real boss.
*Jack taunts Whiskey and Whiskey snorts at him*
Warlock: Why do I have a feeling Whiskey will out-act Governor Arnold?
*Hilarious country song plays about Cactus Jack Slade*
Warlock: Let me get my harmonica.
Neyz: You will do nothing.
*Jack knocks on the door of Bank of Snakes End. He claims he’s the Sherrif. He points a gun at the Clerk (Foster Brooks) who’s drunk as fuck and says. “Number 1, close the door. Number 2, open the safe. Number 3, on the floor.” Clerk closes the door and hits the floor. Jack “You forgot number 2.” Clerk “No I didn’t once you pointed the gun at me.”
Neyz and Warlock: Hahahahahahaha
*Jack tries to get the Clerk to open the door but the Clerk says only Mr. Simpson knows the combination. Jack pulls out a book that’s the equivalent to the “idiots guide to being an outlaw” and Clerk reads it over his shoulder with him.*
*Jack pulls out a stick of dynamite, reads on, then puts the book away and the dynamite on top of the safe. Asks the Clark for a light and the Clerk offers a cigar. Jack takes it and lights the dynamite with it before putting the cigar back in his mouth. Clerk stands next to the dynamite and puts his fingers in his ears. Jack pulls him out of the way*
Warlock: I have a feeling this isn’t going to be a normal western. 10 minutes in and I’m already laughing hysterically.
*Jack blows half the building away but the safe is still intact. He reads the book and Clerk whispers in his ear that the Sheriff is coming. Jack jumps through glass….into barred windows*
Warlock: Better get used to those bars.
*Jack hops on Whiskey and says “Hiyahhh!” Whiskey sits down instead. Jack calls him a traitor as he’s being dragged away. Whiskey snorts at him*
Neyz: Yeah, teach him to use you as a getaway!
*Next frame shows Handsome Stranger (Arnold Schwarzenegger) walking down the street in a ridiculous outfit.*
Warlock: This is the only western he ever did.
Neyz: I can see why.
*Guys brawl in the street and Stranger grabs a nearby old lady (Ruth Buzzi) and says “Let me help you across the street.” They walk out as about a dozen carriages and horses plod back and forth. Old lady: “We’ll never live through this!”
Warlock: Hahaha, think walking someone across the street in the middle of traffic now.
Neyz: That is pretty funny.
*Damsel yells at Stranger and calls him a dummy because she didn’t even want to cross the street at all*
Warlock: So not only is Jack incompetent, so is Stranger.
*The train Jack tried to jump on earlier heads into town. Parody Jones (Strother Martin) leads his daughter Charming (Ann-Margret) to the train. Tells her to avoid Avery Simpson (Jack Elam).
*Charming poses for the men-folk*
Neyz: Men were such dicks back then.
*Stranger meets the Telegraph Agent (Mel Tilis) who tells him Charming Jones is on her way. Tells him to go to the Broken Spoke Saloon for dinner*
Warlock: Broken Spoke?
*Damsel heaves a bunch of household items out the window at Stranger*
Warlock: I’m surprised the kitchen sink wasn’t included.
*Avery Simpson visits Cactus Jack in the jail cell. He says he’ll give him a thousand dollars to do business with him or hang. Jack says he needs to think about it. He says “Its a deal!”
Warlock: Good boy.
*Avery sends Jack on a mission to kidnap Charming. He’ll pay him 500 now and 500 later. Jack: “Whiskey, if you behave we’re gonna be rich!”
Warlock: Yeah, a rich horse…
*Jack enters the Saloon and asks for Whiskey, the horse Whiskey enters. Jack: Not you!”
Neyz: Awww he’s a babies.
*Jack takes a shot of whiskey through the eye. He takes a swig from the bottle and uppercuts a patron. Takes another swig and lays another patron out with a right cross. He takes another swig and somebody whacks him with a 2 by 4*
*Stranger prepares to eat dinner but Telegraph man tells him to move fast, so he gets to eat the dinner when Stranger leaves.*
Warlock: Great strategy. I should try that.
*Charming gets off the train and Handsome Stranger greets her. He takes her across the street and Simpson spies on her. Stranger tells Charming Handsome Stranger is his real name.*
Warlock: My real name is The Warlock.
Neyz: Will you stop?
*Stranger tells a story to Charming that he slowed down speeding horses, only to find out the horses were carrying the fire department. He prevented them from saving the burning whore house. Working Girl (Laura Lizer Summers) calls him a dummy*
Warlock: He can’t do anything right.
*Simpson sniffs the air and knocks on Jack’s door. Jack is passed out on his bed surrounded by empty bottles. Simpson whacks him wth his cane to wake him. Tells him there’s been a change of plans. Charming enlisted Stranger for company and now Jack has to take him out.*
Warlock: Sounds like a plan.
*Simpson sends Charming off with Stranger and big box of money. Jack is supposed to kill Stranger and steal the money back.*
Neyz: Wish I could travel around on horseback.
Warlock: You’d probably break the horse.
Neyz: You zip it!
*Stranger says he has to straighten out the bags and makes Charming steer the horses. Jack has Whiskey buck him 10 feet in the air. Jack shoots his gun a bunch of times trying to tell Whiskey how he’s going to pull off the heist*
Neyz: You’re scaring the horse!
*Jack goes to shoot the gun but is out of ammo, the carriage runs him over*
Neyz and Warlock: Hahahaha
*Jack gets dragged 100 feet before falling off. Gets on Whiskey backwards as Nervous Elk (Paul Lynde) and Mashing Finger (Robert Tessier) look on*
Warlock: One little, two little…..two little Indians.
*Jack’s Plan B is to pull a boulder on top of the carriage. Instead the boulder misses the carriage by a mile and lands on Jack. He calls out for Whiskey*
Neyz: This reminds me of Wild E Coyote.
*Charming tries to hit on Stranger but he’s completely oblivious. He says his gun is special, its a 7 shot six shooter*
Warlock: Hahahaha cheesy but I love it.
*Charming and Stranger ride by The Reverend Slade which is Jack in disguise playing the organ. Slade: “You have to stop drinking!” Stranger: “I don’t drink.”
*Jack demands Stranger hand over his guns. Cactus unloads 6 bullets and Stranger tries to tell him its a 7 shot, but Jack cuts him off. Jack fires the gun thinking it isnt loaded which spooks Whiskey into running off with him. Whiskey makes the carriage tip over in a ditch*
*Sitting by a creek, Jack and Whiskey share a laugh.*
Warlock: I’m telling you. Whiskey is out-acting everyone.
*Jack is foiled again by the Stranger unknowingly and Whiskey waves a blanket like its a white flag*
Warlock: Even he surrenders.
*Stranger pulls over by a creek and lets the horses eat*
Neyz: My jaw hurts.
*Stranger moves the cart by himself and Jack flexes a non-existent muscle*
Warlock: I can do that.
Neyz: Look at that pretty dress.
*Charming strips naked to take a bath and Jack falls off a cliff trying to spy on her. He lands in the creek still holding the branch. He runs away still holding the branch. Meanwhile nearby, Mashing Finger tells Elk that they should have packed a lunch*
Warlock: Yeah, nothing says Native American like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Neyz: If you say so…
*Whiskey and Jack sleep by a campfire meanwhile close by Charming and Stranger are star gazing. They share bonding moments and Charming asks if he’s ever had a woman, he says no. She lays down, says its cold and asks what he’s going to do, hoping he’d snuggle. He says he’s going to get some wood for the fire to keep warm. She rolls her eyes and goes to sleep*
Neyz: Typical men!
*Jack and Whiskey wake up*
Neyz: Look at his long johns!
*Next frame shows Stranger and Charming riding. Jack whistles for Whiskey but doesn’t move. Jack tries to corral Whiskey as Elk and Fingers look on, admiring Whiskey. Elk leads Fingers and 3 bumbling Braves toward them.*
Warlock: Hey how are ya hey how are ya?
*Jack throws a lasso around Stranger’s carriage but HE gets dragged. Next frame shows Jack and Whiskey crossing a brook. Jack sets up a trap where a giant boulder is attached to Whiskey. Whiskey pulls back and the boulder is loose. It rolls slowly past behind the carriage. Jack laments another foul up but the boulder rolls back over him*
Neyz: Its the predecessor to Marv from Home Alone.
*Jack’s next plan is to paint a rock black and point a sign toward it*
Neyz: This is real life Acme.
*Stranger and Charming ride through the rock as Jack and Whiskey look confused. Jack runs up to the rock and bashes into it.*
Warlock: Funny, but its starting to get redundant. Can we progress the story now?
*Jack makes a makeshift zipline but Whiskey lets him go so Jack goes crashing into a rock. Whiskey starts laughing.*
Neyz: I feel like I’m watching a Roadrunner cartoon.
*Jack and Whiskey hide behind a cactus and poke their heads out*
Warlock: Yeah, it does have that feel.
*Stranger and Charming ride by a sign that says Entering Indian County*
Warlock: I need to live there.
*Jack tears up the book he’s been reading the whole movie and says he doesn’t need anyone but himself. He rides right up to Elk and his crew. Je tries to break the spear thrown at him over his knee and fails. Whiskey snaps it instead.*
Warlock: Big help Whiskey.
*Jack tries to enlist Elk and his Braves to storm the stagecoach*
Neyz: Fingers looks like a police officer from New York.
Warlock: Ironically the actor is a real life Algonquin descendant.
*Elk: Scalps don’t put beans on table*
Neyz: Look at that headdress though.
*Jack: What do you Indians do when you capture a white woman. Elk: They shoot themselves before I can find out.”
Neyz: That costume is pretty nice.
Warlock: Recognize Elk’s voice?
Neyz: *Listens close*…TEMPLETON!!!
Warlokc: Yes, from Charlotte’s Web. This was the last movie he did before he died.
*Elk says he’ll help out and Jack goes to leave, Whiskey refuses to move. Jack says he’s not really going to give him up.*
Neyz: Oh poor Whiskey, he’s heartbroken!
*Jack rides away and Fingers asks if Elk’s really going to help the white man. Elk: Piss on the white man.”
Neyz: So he’s not going to help.
Warlock: Uh, duhhh.
*Charming and Stranger sit by a campfire at night. Charming is scared of the Indian drumbeats. Stranger: Don’t worry, they don’t attack in daylight.”
Neyz: Isn’t it night.
Warlock: That is the point.
*Fingers: Jack’s gonna set us back 50 years. Elk: “Nevermind him, I hate those damn drums”
*Charming says its their last night together. She hints that she wants Stranger and asks what he can do. He asks her if she wants to hear some knock knock jokes. She rolls her eyes and gets wood for the fire. Meanwhile Jack asks Elk why they can’t attack at night. Elk: “Can’t attack at night because too busy playing THOSE DAMN DRUMS!!”
Warlock: Someone scalp the drummer!
*At dawn, Elk calls the Braves into action and says CHARGE! The horses all run into each other and its mayhem as everyone goes flying including Fingers, Jack and Elk. They say their next plan is 4 will go into battle. Jack asks where Whiskey went. Elk answers in Templeton voice “He went thataway!”
Neyz: I can’t picture native american’s sounding like Templeton with a big-ass headdress like that. It doesn’t feel right.
Warlock: Its only a movie.
*Two random braves, Fingers and Elk chase Stranger and Charming. Charming points to the sign that says Leaving Indian County. Elk and Fingers turn back so they don’t cross over the county line.*
*Jack carries a big barrell maked GLUE and pours it on the train tracks.*
Warlock: Wow this IS Acme.
*Jack laughs as the horses ride over the glue no problem. Jack runs onto the tracks and naturally is stuck in it. A train comes by and Jack jumps out of his boots and lands on the front of the train.*
Neyz: Will he ever give up?
*Jack tiptoes unscathed with his boots back on with Whiskey right behind him. Jack kicks in a door and there’s nobody inside. He finds another building with barrels of dynamite in it. He steals some and laughs*
Neyz: (Sings the Animaniacs theme)
*Fast motion camera has Jack going back and forth taking barrels of dynamite. He pours a trail and looks for Whiskey. Whiskey is doing his business in an outhouse.*
Neyz: That’s the best part of the movie.
*The powder trail begins to burn….in Jack’s direction. Whiskey bucks him through the barn and they escape just in time. Finally Jack confronts Charming and Stranger. Charming gets turned on and asks what Jack plans to do. Jack says he’s going to blow his head off, steal the money and ravage Charming. Charming says Stranger loses. Just as Jack goes to make a move…the Looney Tunes theme hits and he starts flipping around*
Warlock: I was waiting for that all movie.
*End credits with another funny country song*
Neyz assessment: I think its funny how Charming was completely sexually frustrated that she’d rather go with Jack. I love how Governor Arnold played a complete numbnut. I give it a 7 out of 10
Warlock’s assessment: Fuck best supporting actor, Whiskey should have won best actor period. The movie itself was one giant Roadrunner cartoon that dragged near the end. If they had more plot and less hijynx I would rate it higher. 6 out of 10
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10, very good.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well partners, that was interesting to say the least. Unlike other parody westerns like A Million Ways to Die in the West and Blazing Saddles, this one was PG and a lot more gentler. It was like watching a live action cartoon. If you like that sort of thing than this is the one for you. As for me…its time to ride off. Come along Whiskey.
*Warlock hops on Whiskey and rides out of the lair as a confused Neyz looks on*
Neyz: How the hell did he get here?
*Warlock rides off into the sunset*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening partners.