*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, an I Survived Sharknado t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a goblet of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*The Warlock levitates in the air and enters through the door. He lands on his two feet in front of the recliner*
Warlock: Tonight’s movie is something I’d rather not do, but Neyzor Blades here insisted on it.
*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner in her standard attire*
Neyz: I told you I’m not going to sit and watch the crap you and Mr. America watch.
Warlock: The reason why isn’t because of the movie itself, which is the 1992 version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, its because of my utter disdain of vampires.
Neyz: What’s wrong with vampires.
Warlock: Because they’re glorified in film while my kind burned at the stake 300 years ago.
Neyz: Oh get over it.
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get this over with. Bram Stoker’s Dracula….
*Warlock reluctantly reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “The vampire comes to England to seduce a visitor’s fiancee and inflict havoc in the foreign land.”
Neyz: Better than the US.
Warlock: Bram Stoker was Irish, obviously this was not going to be set across the pond.
*Opening monologue delivered by Professor Van Helsing (Anthony Hopkins) says in 1462, Constantinople had fallen. A fierce warrior Vlad Dracula (Gary Oldman) was returning home after the victory against the Turkish army. His wife Elisabeta (Winona Rider) had committed suicide after hearing that Dracula had been killed.*
Neyz: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
Warlock: If only there was media back then, he could have emailed Elisabeta saying “Yeah I’m fine, not dead. Don’t worry I’ll be home soon.”
Neyz: The End!
*Dracula reads Elisabeta’s suicide note in front of the high priest (also played by Anthony Hopkins) and weeps. He then enters a fit of rage, renounces god and says he’ll rise from the dead and avenge her death. He plunges his sword into the center stone of the cross and drinks the blood that pours from it*
Neyz: So that’s how the legend started.
Warlock: Guess rocks really can bleed.
*Graphic reads London, 1897*
Warlock: 435 years later.
Neyz: Is that all?
*At Carfax District Lunatic Asylum, R.M. Renfield (Tom Waits) has been locked up as a loony tune*
Warlock: Heh, Tom Waits.
Warlock: He doesn’t want to grow up.
*Renfield talks to an unidentified master that the plan is underway*
Warlock: Something is afoot!
*Jonathan Harker (Keeanu Reeves) chats with Mr. Hawkins (Jay Robinson) about Renfield and his client Count Dracula. Hawkins says Dracula has been buying property around London and its a great opportunity for Harker to make a name for himself.*
Warlock: Keanu is wearing the worst suit I’ve ever seen.
*Before Harker leaves for Transylvania, his fiancee Mina (also played by Winona Ryder) wants to get married. They share a kiss*
Warlock: Mush mush mush.
Neyz: Ohhhh, mush mush mushhhhhhh!
*Harker narrates a letter he’s written and then one written by Dracula*
Warlock: “Your friend, D.” What a friendly guy.
*Next frame shows Mina writing in her diary and looking at a picture of Harker wearing another ridiculous looking outfit*
Warlock: He can’t catch a break.
*Harker is dropped off at Dracula’s castle and given a cross by one of the wagon patrons.*
Neyz: No stake and garlic?
Warlock: I’ll take some steak with garlic
Neyz: Not that kind of stake!!
*Harker is taken by another wagon to Dracula’s castle. Dracula appears in front of him looking terribly old with a double bun for hair*
Warlock: At least he doesn’t look stereotypical.
*Harker and Dracula walk around and Dracula’s cape is literally as long as a room carpet*
Warlock: He’s his own red carpet welcoming committee.
*Dracula tells Harker that he’s apart of the Order of the Drucul (Dragon)
Warlock: That’s a great name actually.
*Dracula goes into a rage and threatens Harker with a sword. Harker apologizes. Later on Harker tells Dracula that he’s the new owner of Carfax Abbey. Harker asks why Dracula purchased 10 houses in London.*
Warlock: Only ten?
Neyz: Where’d he get that kind of scratch?
*Dracula pulls out a picture of Mina and Harker says “Oh that’s my fiancee.”
Neyz: Doesn’t he find it creepy someone he’s never met carries a picture around of his fiancee?
*Next frame Mina is writing in her diary how living with Lucy Westenra (Sadie Frost) could get her accustomed to western life*
Warlock: Not exactly the wild, wild west.
*Lucy and Mina share bonding moments while giggling at the kama sutra*
Neyz: Sex books in the 1800’s were a little bit different.
*Lucy asks Mina if Jonathan measures up*
Warlock: Heh, that’s Stoker’s way in the 19th century of asking if he’s well hung without actually saying so.
*At a ballroom dance, Lucy and Mina marvel at Quincey P Morris (Billy Campbell)
Warlock: Hey look its The Rocketeer!
*Lisa pulls a large dagger from Quincey’s coat pocket*
Warlock: He’d get arrested for carrying that around now.
*Dr. Jack Seward (Richard E Grant) walks into the party, trips and falls*
Warlock: Making the Dick Van Dyke entrance I see.
*Lord Arthur Holmwood (Carly Elwes) makes his entrance and Lucy bids him welcome*
Warlock: The Rocketeer and Dread Pirate Roberts both want the same woman, how will it enddddddd?
*Quincey, Jack and Arthur all flock to Lucy as Mina starts hearing Dracula’s voice in her head. Next frame shows Jack talking into his own diary about how Renfield has gone mad. Renfield is now an inmate at Seward’s asylum. Renfield eats bugs and say they are nutritious*
Warlock: I think I’ll pass.
*Renfield goes berserk and attacks Seward until the guards take him away*
Warlock: Guess Tom wasn’t a fan of Richard’s role against me.
*Next frame is a diary entry by Harker. He’s starting to realize that Dracula carrying a picture of Mina around isn’t a good thing. Dracula sneezes and the mirror breaks. Harker cuts himself shaving using a straight razor and Dracula secretly licks the blood off it*
Warlock: 100 years before HIV.
*Dracula shaves Harker and warns him not to go in certain areas of the castle. Dracula spots the cross on Harker’s neck and freaks out. He tells Harker that this isn’t London. Jonathan starts freaking out when he hears the wolves howl. Dracula leaves the room and goes outside. Harker opens the window as Dracula scales the wall downward. Harker then enters one of the forbidden rooms as his voiceover says he knows he’s a prisoner*
Warlock: First class prisoner, predating James Bond by 70 years.
*Jonathan opens a chest and hears Mina’s voice calling to him. He explores a bed where 3 brides appear, half naked.*
Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time.
*One of the brides (Monica Bellucci) starts kissing up on him and his cross melts*
Warlock: Heh, these two would be reunited 10 years later in the Matrix sequels.
*The brides seduce Harker then feed on him*
Neyz: That’s what he gets for cheating on Mina.
*One of the brides off camera appears to bite Harker’s dick*
*Dracula shows up and puts a stop to the orgy. Harker starts hallucinating that a baby is being eaten by the brides. We get a close-up shot of his face screaming*
Warlock: They used that as a game over screen in the Sega CD version of the video game based off the movie.
Neyz: Is that the one where you literally kick the rats around?
Warlock: The same.
*Mina opens a letter from Harker that says he’s sticking around Transylvania much to her chagrin. His voiceover wonders why Dracula is having his servants dig and box up dirt from under the castle only to send them to Carfax Abbey*
Warlock: Taking home with him a little too seriously.
*Next frame has Lucy saying she’s engaged to Lord Holmwood. Mina is about as excited as a glass of water. She’s worried about Jonathan but a rain storm has the girls looking on in horror. Next frame shows a ship sailing to London with Dracula’s possessions on it. Lucy and Mina run through a maze in the pouring rain and share a kiss.*
Warlock: I don’t remember Lucy and Mina being bi-sexual in the novel, do you?
Neyz: Who knows.
*Captain’s log montage shows Dracula as a werewolf feeding on the ship’s crew*
Warlock: I didn’t know a vampire could turn into a werewolf too, did you?
Neyz: Now they’re pushing it.
*Prison guards spray Renfield and other inmates with fire hoses*
Warlock: That’s one way to get them to take a bath.
*Lucy wanders into the maze and Mina follows her. Were-Dracula feeds on her. Looks right at Mina and says “You don’t see me”
Warlock: Yeah, you just imagined the whole thing.
*Mina carries Lucy back to her mansion. Next frame shows the workers delivering all the dirt and possessions to Carfax Abbey. Renfield sticks his head out the window of his room and says “Master, I am here!”
Neyz: He should be shot for that.
*Van Helsing voiceover says Dracula can walk in the daytime no problem. he’s just weaker. A younger looking Dracula walks the streets of London in the style of 16mm camera footage*
Warlock: Now he’s starting to look like Gary Oldman.
Neyz: That’s the greatest top hat I’ve ever seen.
*Paperboy (Daniel Newman) hands Dracula the news that a wolf escaped from the local zoo*
Warlock: How ironic, that kid was Wulf in Robin Hood: Price of Thieves.
*Dracula intentionally bumps into Mina. She brushes him off and walks away. He appears in front of her and she threatens to call the police. Dracula walks away glumly and she apologizes for being rude. He introduces himself as Prince Vlad.*
Warlock: Technically not a lie.
*Dracula and Mina share bonding moments walking down the street together. Next scene shows Jack checking up on Lucy who doesn’t look well. She says she can hear and see things. He sticks her with a syringe and she asks him to kiss her. He does*
Warlock: She gets around.
*Arthur rides home with Quincey in tow and Jack is wearing a derby hat outside to greet them*
Warlock: I want that hat.
*The trio looks at Lucy and Jack says he’s contacted Van Helsing. Quincey: “He sounds like a god damned witch doctor to me.” *
Warlock: That’s not Ooga Booga, he comes later.
*Mina and Dracula catch a 19th century porn flick*
Warlock: What kind of first date is that?
*Dracula forces himself onto Mina and his eyes glow red, fangs come out. He goes to bite her but something stops him. Suddenly the wolf that escaped from the zoo appears. Dracula communicates with it and tames it pretty quick. Dracula makes Mina pet it*
Neyz: Awww its a babies!
*Dracula takes Mina via carriage to Lucy’s mansion and bids her goodnight.
Warlock: What a gentleman.
*Next scene has Professor Van Helsing teaching a class about a vampire bat. Suddenly, Helsing gets a telegram and says class dismissed. Meanwhile Harker is still alive and he’s plotting his escape from the castle*
Warlock: A bit late to make your getaway.
*Dracula appears outside Lucy’s window and works his magic. Jack brings Van Helsing inside and they hear a scream. They run upstairs and find Lucy with her tits out moaning. Helsing spots the bite marks and says they must not waste time, they must inject her with a syrum. All of a sudden Arthur barges in and demands to know what’s going on. Jack says Helsing is trying to save Lucy. Jack and Van Helsing force Arthur to give Lucy an emergency transfusion.*
Warlock: I do not believe this will work.
*Van Helsing, Quincey Jack and Arthur confer outside. Helsing tries to convince them that Lucy has been bitten by a vampire. Meanwhile Mina tends to Lucy*
Neyz: She looks like Madonna.
Warlock: Madonna was blonde you dope!
*Dracula is on another date with Mina. She tells him her wants and desires. Dracula leans in to kiss her but stops himself. Dracula slowly tries to rekindle the romance with Mina that he had with Elisabeta. Meanwhile Harker scales the wall of the castle and falls into the water below*
Neyz: Ted Theodore Logan!
*Mina and Dracula dance to musicbox music while Harker crawls through mud on his way to safety. He’s taken into a convent and sends Mina a letter saying he’s alright. She rushes to Lucy by Van Helsing and Steward cut her off. Mina goes to Lucy*
Warlock: You look like shit Lucy.
*Van Helsing puts garlic on Lucy’s nightstand and it sends her into a frenzy. She goes to bite Quincey but the others restrain her. Helsing notices the fangs and confirms that she’s been bitten by Dracula.*
Warlock: Missed him by that much.
*Mina sends Dracula a letter saying she’s going to marry Harker and she may never see him again*
Warlock: That’ll just piss him off.
*Dracula cries and creates a giant wind that causes Van Helsing to laugh loudly*
Warlock: I didn’t know it was THAT funny.
*Quincey has a rifle as Helsing talks to him*
Warlock: That’s really not going to help.
*Quincey is on patrol as Arthur falls asleep with a gun on his hand next to Lucy*
Warlock: Wonderful, great battle plan. Get smashed!
Neyz: I probably would too.
*Mina marries Harker in Transylvania as Lucy wakes up as a full fledged vampire. Dracula storms the mansion and knocks Quincey down outside. He then knocks Arthur backwards. Dracula turns into a wolf and bites Lucy as Harker and Mina kiss as husband and wife.*
Warlock: What a wedding!
*Lucy is in a casket as Arthur, Quincey, Van Helsing, Jack and other patrons look over her*
Warlock: A wedding and a funeral, just need three more weddings.
*Quincey, Arthur, Jack and Van Helsing search for Lucy’s casket. Arthur is confused and Helsing assures him that she’s undead. They get the casket open and she’s not there. Arthur freaks and pulls a gun on Helsing. Helsing calmly tells him that she’s a vampire now. Suddenly Lucy appears with a small child in her arms. Helsing startles her and she drops the child. Lucy tries to seduce Arthur but Helsing pulls a cross on her. She vomits blood on him*
Warlock: I thought this was Dracula, not The Exorcist.
*Helsing orders Arthur to drive a stake through Lucy. Arthur complies and Lucy is dead, for real now*
*Helsing eats a big roast and nonchalantly tells Mina and Harker that they killed Lucy by cutting her head off and driving a stake through her heart. Harker yells at him*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Helsing organizes a hunting party. Quincey, Harker, Mina, Jack, Arthur and Helsing himself. Renfield goes berserk and says he’s been promised an eternal life. Mina requests to see Renfield. Jack tells him to behave himself.*
Warlock: Yeah, pipe down you!
*Renfield warns Mina to run away and that Dracula is coming for her. As they walk away he cries out for his master. Jack leads Mina to a private room and says she’ll be completely safe.*
*The 5 mean armed with torches and search hounds find the boxes of the dirt.*
Neyz: Awww they’re the babies.
*The hunters start destroying the boxes of dirt Dracula had sent over. Meanwhile Mina sees a vision of Dracula killing Renfield as a clown of green smoke.*
Warlock: Killed by a giant fart.
*The cloud of green smoke infiltrates Mina’s bedroom and he materializes in his young form. They start going at it*
Neyz: This is a fine line between “I don’t know” and “I don’t know.”
*Dracula: There is no life in this body. Mina: What are you. I must know. You must tell me”
Neyz: I don’t have to tell you shit.
Warlock: Beat me to it.
*Dracula: I am the monster*
Neyz: Of Christmas past!
*Mina starts slapping at Dracula and crying after he reveals that he killed Lucy. The hunters burn all the boxes of dirt as Mina and Dracula embrace. Dracula bites Mina and cuts himself, making her drink the blood which turns her into his vampire queen. He had second thoughts about it but she insists.*
Neyz: What an orgasm.
*Suddenly the boys barge in and Dracula turns into a 9 foot bat creature. Helsing pulls out a cross but Dracula sets it on fire. He goes into a monologue*
Neyz: He’s so fake I can’t stand it.
*A totally gray haired Harker fires a round into Dracula despite Mina trying to stop him. Dracula turns into an army of rats and they all escape*
Neyz: Awww they’re the gizzards. Look at em all!
*Helsing uses Mina as a telepathic link to find Dracula. They travel to Paris, Budapest and back to Transylvania as Helsing says that she’s dying like Lucy did.*
Neyz: So the exact same thing is happening to her?
*Helsing receives a telegram that the Count evaded them because he read Mina’s thoughts. Suddenly the team splits up. Harker, Quincey, Jack and Arthur go one way as Helsing and Mina go another way.*
Warlock: Like Mr. America says, splitting up never works.’
*Mina and Van Helsing are visited by Dracula’s Brides*
Neyz: I will show you my bosom.
Warlock: Please do.
Neyz: Not you!
*Helsing and Mina share a kiss. Mina threatens to kill him and Helsing sticks a communion wafer on her forehead. He creates a ring of fire to ward off the brides but they feed on his horse instead*
Warlock: So much for Mr. Ed
Neyz: He was Mister Eddddddd.
*Next scene shows Van Helsing decapitating the 3 brides and tosses their heads off a cliff*
Warlock: That takes care of the harlots, now for the best.
*Next frame shows Harker and the hunters getting in a shootout with the gypsies driving the carriage containing Dracula.*
Warlock: So it IS the wild, wild west.
*A pier six brawl commences and Quincey is stabbed in the back. The hunters kill the rest of the gypsies and Dracula jumps out of his box. Harker slits his throat. Quincey stabs Dracula in the heart and Dracula punches him down. Mina holds a rifle at Harker and backs him off. Arthur tries to stab Dracula but Harker holds him back. He says their work is done, Mina must finish him off. Quincey dies surrounded by the others*
Warlock: *Fake dead* ehhhhhhhhhhhh
*Dracula turns into his younger self and begs Mina to set him free. Mina stabs him in the heart and he dies smiling. The spirit of Dracula and Elisabetta ascend to heaven as she finishes him off by decapitating him*
Warlock: Blood…pools of blood!
Neyzor Blades assessment: Interesting. 5 out of 10
Warlock’s assessment: As much as I dislike vampires, the movie was a great adaptation. It had its cheesy moments and modern day shenanigans but was very accurate for the most part. I give it a 7.5 out of 10
Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Hmmm, not bad at all. I enjoyed it even though I detest vampires. The cast was solid from top to bottom and it was a top notch production. I can see why the movie won academy awards in 1992. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.