37. Deadfall Trail (2009)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, a t-shirt that says I am Omega with the word Legend crossed out and Omega spray painted*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire from his wrist up in the air and walks in the lair. Mr. America is sitting on the left side of the couch and shakes his head. He’s wearing his standard white camo fatigues, vest and hat, black combat boots and aviators*

America: Hey dumbass, let’s try not to set off the sprinkler system again, huh?

Warlock: Sorry. Tonight’s diabolical scheme is movie 5 of our 8 pack, Deadfall Trail! Its about 3 adventurers that willingly puts themselves in a survival mode where all logic and civility go out the window.

*Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner wearing a Yellow Men’s Warehouse suit with black shoes and a red tie*

Wallstreet: That doesn’t sound scary at all.

Warlock: Well there’s only one way to find out.

*Warlock sits on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s not waste anymore time, let’s start Deadfall Trail.

 

*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “The tough, no-nonsense Julian and his more laid-back friend John are a couple of veteran campers who decide to embark on a no-frills expedition into the deep Arizona wilderness.”

America: There will be frills alright.

 

*Movie opens with answering machine message from John (Slade Hall)

Wallstreet: This looks more like Florida.

Warlock: At least its a professional production.

America: Production doesn’t mean value.

Warlock: Better than Watch Me!

 

*We’re introduced to John, Paul (Cavin Gray) and Julian (Shane Dean)*

Wallstreet: What do you think of the Kimbrel trade?

Warlock: What does that have to do with the movie?

Wallstreet: Nothing.

 

*Two ATV’s pull up and Julian says “The fuck is this?”

America: I’m going to say ATV’s.

 

*Julian teaches Paul how to use a compass*

America: You forgot East and West.

 

*Paul and Julian fight. Paul: What is your problem?”

America: I’m going to say its you pal.

 

*Paul: I’m taking my knife. I’m really taking it.”

Warlock: Yeah, you showed them.

 

*Julian picks up bugs to eat*

Wallstreet: We have a feast here!

 

*John and Paul are peer pressured into eating worms*

Warlock and Wallstreet: Blerghhhhhhh.

 

*The trio hang out on an abandoned mine cart*

Warlock: None of these guys have been in anything good.

Wallstreet: That doesn’t bode well for this movie.

 

*Julian gets a campfire started and Paul howls*

Warlock: Heyyyyyy yeahhhh bark at the moon.

 

*Julian yells at Paul*

Warlock: Fighting for no reason.

 

*John wakes up and Paul is gone. Julian says he went home. Paul walks back with fruit*

Warlock: Alright he found breakfast.

America: I’m still waiting for this to turn into a horror movie.

 

*Paul spots a cactus and goes to drink water but John stops him last second and suggests he go home.*

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

America: “Paul go home.”

Wallstreet: “Ok…*leaves*”

Warlock: THE END.

 

*Paul falls down. Julian yells at him. John and Julian go nose to nose. Paul pisses into the water bottle and drinks it*

Warlock: Survival.

Wallstreet: It works but its not recommended.

 

*John to Julian: You ok?”

America: I’m going to guess he’s not ok.

 

*Day 3 graphic*

Warlock: How many days will there be?

America: 365.

Warlock: thaaaaaaanks.

 

*Montage of the guys bonding*

America: Oh yay they’re all happy and getting along.

Warlock: I actually like the soundtrack.

 

*John starts a fire rubbing wood together*

Warlock: Can you guys do that?

America: Nope.

Wallstreet: I’ve seen it done, just never myself.

 

*Paul tells a story of why he fears nothing*

Warlock: Why do I have a feeling something will scare him by the end of the movie?

America: Probably.

 

*Graphic: Day 7*

Wallstreet: So they skipped some days.

Warlock: Where did they find time to shower?

America: They can barely find drinking water, how are they going to shower?

Warlock: Look, their hair is immaculate, obviously they showered.

 

*The trio cuts down a tree*

America: Ok so can something go wrong?

Wallstreet: Looks like they’re building a tee-pee.

 

*The trio prepares a deadfall trap to catch a boar for dinner*

Warlock: Why don’t they throw their knives at it instead?

America: I doubt their pocket knives will be enough to take down a boar.

Warlock: Those are hunting knives, not pocket knives.

Wallstreet: I don’t think it matters.

 

*Paul trips over the stake holding the trap and it falls. Paul and Julian shove each other but their attention turns to John who has been impaled by the spike*

Warlock: Well, you wanted something bad to happen.

America: Took long enough.

Warlock: Only 35 minutes into it.

 

*Julian tends to John by the fire*

Warlock: Why don’t they just pack up and head for a hospital?

Wallstreet: They’re seven days from their car.

America: Yeah, way out of cell phone range by this point.

 

*Julian leaves Paul with John and begins freaking out*

America: I’m pretty sure this is where he decides to go nuts and kill the other two.

Warlock: Nah, too early in the movie for that.

 

*Julian screams at the sky: “What do you wanttttt!!!”

Warlock: This movie to end.

Wallstreet: Well its suspenseful but its hardly horror.

America: I think he’s far from ok.

 

*Paul takes his jacket off and wraps it around the wound*

Warlock: A tourniquet?

 

*Julian freaks out and stumbles about the woods*

Warlock: Did he eat a magic mushroom or something?

Wallstreet: He’s having visions.

 

*Julian hallucinates that Mother Earth (Katrina Ryan) is standing naked in front of him*

America and Warlock: WOAHHHH!!

Wallstreet: That was unexpected.

Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time.

 

*Julian has a hallucination that he’s wrestling Mother Earth in a pond of blood when suddenly John replaces Mother Earth and Julian drowns him*

Wallstreet: Whatever he ate is quite powerful.

 

*John tells Paul to take care of Julian and to make it home*

Warlock: I don’t think he’s gonna make it.

 

*Graphic reads Day 8. America is dreary eyed, his hat and shades are both off. Wallstreet’s suit is wrinkled*

Warlock: Is Julian done with his freak out?

 

*Paul confronts Julian who snaps and shoves him up against a tree. 2 seconds later says “I need you man”

Warlock: So he’s bi-polar ontop of schizophrenic.

 

*Paul and John build a makeshift stretcher to carry John on*

Warlock: Why didn’t they do this the night before?

America: I’m pretty sure they didn’t make that before.

 

*Camera shows a big spider crawling*

Warlock: Don’t show Neyzor Blades that.

 

*The stretcher snaps and Julian calls Paul a piece of shit*

Warlock: If I were Paul I’d beat the fuck out of him.

 

*During the campfire, Paul apologizes to Julian*

Warlock: Don’t apologize, its a sign of weakness.

 

*Graphic reads Day 9. Wallstreet is now dreary eyed and his tie is off, suit open. America’s vest is off and he’s fanning himself with his hat to stay awake*

America: He’s still breathing, wow.

 

*Paul runs to try to track down a plane*

America: Get in open space, you accomplish nothing in the foliage. Look at your shirt, its the same color as the trees. Dumbass!

Wallstreet: You fool! You deserve to die!

 

*Julian and Paul carry John to a creek. Paul celebrates. Paul: We’re gonna make it aren’t we? Julian smiles*

America: We’ll see.

 

*During the night John pulls the stake out and he starts bleeding everywhere. Julian freaks out and kills him by bashing his head in with a rock*

Wallstreet: Well at least his troubles are over.

 

*Graphic reads Day 10. Warlock has a growing beard and America is sprawled out on the left side of the couch.*

Warlock: Why doesn’t Paul gut him with a knife. He just killed his best friend.

 

*Paul yells at Julian and Julian puts him in a cross face chicken wing. Paul gives up and quietly gathers supplies*

Warlock: What a wuss. By the way what have they been eating the past ten days?

Wallstreet: Worms and bugs, I don’t know.

 

*Julian drops the stretcher and falls halfway down a cliff. He catches his leg in the rock. He screams for Paul and Paul just walks away*

Warlock: What, did he just leave him there?

 

*At nightfall, Julian shouts and screams. Graphic shows Day 11. Paul wanders over. Wallstreet is sprawled on the couch, suit jacket gone, undershirt a mess, tie wrapped around his head*

Wallstreet: Oh he’s still there?

 

*Paul: Now you know how he felt, right before you killed him. Julian: Is that what you’re gonna do Paul, kill me?”

Warlock: He should.

 

*Julian says Paul’s going to become a pathetic, belligerent drunk and Paul shoves him and says he’ll never be like Julian. He frees Julian from the rock and walks away*

Warlock: Should have just left him there.

 

*Day 12 has Julian digging a hole. John’s body is decomposing as the flies buzz over it.*

America: Ah lovely.

 

*Julian and Paul bury John*

Wallstreet: He looks pretty stiff.

Warlock: A little stiff in the rear.

 

*Paul: We’re done. I’m leaving…alone. Don’t follow me. You can die out here for all I care. I never want to see your face again.”

Warlock: I would have done that 5 days earlier.

 

*Paul runs into a dead end and calls for Julian*

Warlock: You just told him to go away.

 

*Graphic: Day 13. Mr. America has fallen asleep and Wallstreet’s just about to that point*

Warlock: This keeps dragging on…and on….and on.

Wallstreet: The old watch trick doesn’t work anymore.

 

*Paul spots Julian and they get into a fight. Julian uses the stranglehold to subdue him*

Warlock: Winner by submission, Julian!

 

*Day 14 graphic has Paul tied to a tree. Paul demands to be let go. Julian runs away and Paul tries to free himself. Wallstreet has joined America in sleepyland*

Warlock: Great, just me left?

 

*Julian sets a trap as Paul can’t get free. Julian reties Paul and then guts the rabbit with his knife*

Warlock: PETA wouldn’t like this…or Neyzor Blades.

 

*Julian feeds Paul and has him drink water.*

Warlock: Why is he still tied to the tree?

 

*Paul hallucinates that he breaks free, stabs Julian and drives into John who says to go back*

Warlock: Don’t worry its all a dream.

 

*Graphic Day 15, Warlock has a full length beard. America and Wallstreet are passed out. Julian grills Paul about the dream he had*

Warlock: Oh god just end already!

 

*Julian: The only reason you’re alive is because I kept you alive. Paul: The only reason you’re still alive is I’m tied to this tree*

Warlock: Can we have the final showdown please?

 

*Julian cuts Paul loose and runs away. Paul grabs his bag and takes off in hot pursuit. Paul trips and falls*

Warlock: Clumsy oaf.

 

*Paul stumbles upon a dead hanging animal*

Warlock: Its a trap! 15 minutes and the pain is over.

 

*Cat and mouse montage of Paul hiding from Julian by sleeping inside a fallen tree*

Warlock: Is he sleeping or just hiding?

 

*Graphic reads Day 16…Warlock’s jacket and shades are off and his shirt is a mess, he’s sprawled out on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: 10 minutes left….must…make it….

 

*More cat and mouse footage as Warlock’s starts random forest fires*

Warlock: Smokey The Bear is going to be PISSED.

 

*As Julian goes to put the fire out, Paul whacks him in the back with a tree branch. Pulls his knife out and….hesitates.*

Warlock: You fool! Should have finished him off.

 

*Julian wakes up tied to a tree. Paul prepares a roast squirrel*

Warlock: With the wood around it, it looks like a sub. SUBWAY, EAT FRESH!

 

*Paul: I’ll send for help when I get back. Goodbye Julian”

Warlock: Famous last words.

 

*Paul hobbles away and makes a walking stick to aid his walking*

Warlock: BRILLIANT!

 

Warlock: I love how there’s NOBODY else around. You’d think there would be search party rescuers, helicopters, random bikers, other hikers…SOMETHING!

 

*Graphic reads Day 17, Warlock is fast asleep like the others and Paul wakes up to Julian stabbing him in the throat. Next frame shows Julian putting Paul’s head on a stake*

No comments

 

*Graphic reads Day 34. A search party searches for John, Julian and Paul.  A rescue party guy stumbles upon the head on the stick and a naked Julian kills him. Movie ends with a monologue of Julian talking about survival….suddenly the trio wake up*

Warlock: Huh who what?

America: When where why?

Wallstreet: Its over?

America: What happened?

Warlock: Who knows, its over…thank god.

 

Wallstreet’s Assessment: I’m even more confused now than I was when I first started. I can’t believe it took this many people to make such a bad movie.  3 out of 10

America’s assessment: I give it a 2 out of 10.

Warlock’s assessment: That was one of the most boring movies I’ve seen since Stitches. At least it was interesting but certainly not that entertaining. I give it a 4 out of 10.

Final Grade: 3 out of 10….Garbage

 

*Warlock slides down off the couch into a heap*

Warlock: Eh….eh….ugh….we made it. Ugh….so boring….couldn’t take it anymore. Hopefully the next movie won’t be like that. I gotta go shave, have a pleasant evening.

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