*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black suit with white undershirt, black tie, black shoes and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a martini in his hand*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair, I’m your host….Warlock….THE Warlock.
*Warlock walks inside. Neyzor Blades is on the couch wearing a black sequined dress*
Warlock: With Spectre being released, I thought it would be a good idea to do the first ever James Bond film.
Neyz: Good, better than the crap you usually watch.
*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*
Warlock: Let’s not waste any time. Buckle your seatbelts, its time for Dr. No.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: A resourceful British government agent seeks answers in a case involving the disappearance of a colleague and the disruption of the American space program.”
Neyz: Space….outer space is the place.
*Opening theme has a killer electric guitar sound before switching to a Jamaican version of Three Blind mice*
Warlock: Good grief.
*Strangways is enjoying a card game with Dent and others*
Warlock: He’s cheating, he’s got cards in his tie!
*Strangways is ambushed by the 3 Blind Men and shot, they’re assassins*
Neyz: Never trust anyone.
*Strangways’ secretary is murdered as she’s calling to London. The blind men steal 2 files called “Crab Key” and “Dr. No”
Warlock: The plot thickens.
*British intelligence figures out that the Kingston post has gone dead. Next frame shows a man looking for James Bond. Bond is playing blackjack with Sylvia and wins*
Warlock: Mais oui mademoiselle.
*Bond gets called away but Sylvia wants some extracurricular activity. He tells her to meet him tomorrow*
Warlock: Time to go boom boom with the blackjack girl.
*Bond tosses his hat onto the hat rack and has some G rated flirting with Miss Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell). She lets him know Strangways (Tim Moxon) has gone silent*
Warlock: Something is afoot.
*Bond is called into M’s (Bernard Lee) office. He gives him the lowdown on the mission. Bond is to go to Jamaica and find out what happened to Strangways. He’ll have to rendezvous with American CIA agent Felix Leiter (Jack Lord) on the way.*
Warlock: Good ol Felix.
*M demands Bond’s gun. James hands it to him. M: Yes, I thought so this damn Beretta again.”
Warlock: What’s wrong with a Beretta?
*M says the last time the gun malfunctioned James spent 6 months in the hospital. He demands Bond carry a new gun.. M: Since I’ve been the head of MI6 there’s been a 40 percent drop in Double O casualties and Id like to keep it that way*
Warlock: That’s great efficiency
*Alfred: *The PPK is 7.65 mil*
Warlock: 7.6 mil? Not every powerful.
*M tells Bond to leave the Beretta there, he does but keeps the box. Bond walks outside and gives the empty box to Moneypenny*
Neyz: That’s not a gift.
*Back at the hotel room, Bond runs into Sylvia playing croquet. They get it on before he has to leave*
*Bond lands in Jamaica, Felix spots him. A female photographer (Marguerite Lewars) spots him as well. A cab driver named Jones (Reggie Carter) says he’s there to pick him up and bring him to the hotel. He calls the hotel and asks if anyone sent a cab for him, they say no*
Warlock: Quick thinking Bond!
*Bond asks to be taken for a ride, Jones drives off with Felix tailing him. Bond tells Jones to lose the trail and they do by driving into a ditch. Once in the ditch, Bond pulls out his gun and demands answers. Jones reaches for gun and Bond beats him up.*
Warlock: Oh boy, fisticuffs!
Neyz: You WOULD like that.
*Jones says he’ll talk, just give him a cigarette. Jones bites into cigarette and says to hell with you…and dies*
Warlock: *plays dead* Ehhhhhhhhh
*Bond pulls up to the hotel with Jones in the back. He tells the bellboy to make sure Jones doesn’t get away*
*Commissioner: Cyanide in a cigarette?*
Warlock: Very effective suicide.
*Bond asks who the last people to see Strangways were. Commissioner says Professor Dent (Anthony Dawson) and General Potter (Colonel Burton)*
Neyz: Colonel Potter got promoted finally.
*Bond asks to be introduced socially to Dent and Potter but wants to check out Strangways place first. Bond finds a letter addressed to Strangways by Dent Laboratories*
Warlock: A clue, a clue!
Neyz: Oh you found a clue!
*Bond finds a picture of Strangways fishing with Quarrel (John Kitzmiller). Bond says he was driving the car that tailed him and the Commissioner will run a background check on him. Just as Bond is about to leave his hotel room, he puts powder on his briefcase and a hair across his closet door*
*Bond tries to get answers from Strangways colleagues. Bond finds out Strangways had been spending an unusual amount of time fishing with Quarrel. Next frame Bond confronts Quarrel and asks questions. Quarrel refuses to give him service and Bonds walks away. Quarrel tells Pussfellow (Lester Prendergast) to keep an eye on him. Bond hits the bar and Quarrel tells him he’ll talk but not in public. Quarrel leads him to a storage closet where he pulls a knife. Pussfellow grabs Bond from behind. Quarrel: Ain’t no use struggling. Pussfellow rassles alligators!”
Neyz: Crocodiles are a different story.
*Bond breaks free from Pussfellow’s grip, knocks the knife out of Quarrel’s hand but a gun from behind stops Bond in his tracks. Felix Leiter makes his appearance and Bond tells him who he is. Felix tells Pussfellow and Quarrel that Bond is one of the good guys.*
Warlock: Wonderful, a 3 way face turn.
*Bond to Pussfellow: Hope he cooks better than he fights. Pussfellow: Well nobody dies from my cooking…yet”
Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha.
*Pussfellow checks on the club patrons as the lounge singer goes into a chorus of Jump Up*
Warlock: There’s my wedding song.
Neyz; Hell no.
Warlock: He’s not even singing.
*The photographer snaps a picture of Felix, Quarrel and Bond as they discuss Crab Key, the forbidden island. Felix is interested because the Americans are launching a rocket soon. Quarrel confronts the camera girl, puts her in a hammerlock and brings her toward the table.*
Warlock: God damn paparazzi.
*Bond interrogates the photographer and she claims she works freelance. Bond doesn’t buy it. Brings over Pussfellow who threatens to give her the heave ho*
Warlock: I’d pay to see that.
*Photographer breaks the spare camera bulb and scratches Quarrel’s face with it, no effect. He asks if he should break her arm, Bond says no. The next time they catch her, tear it off. Bond then wonders why one guy died and this girl would have risked getting her arm broken. Felix says they better find whoever is behind them fast. Bond asks why they can’t go to Crab Key and Felix says its a privately owned island by Dr. No. Quarrel says he knew some fisherman that went there but didn’t come back. Bond gets interested.*
Neyz: I see where this is going.
*3 Blind Mice pull up to Bond’s hotel but can’t get a clean shot. Next frame shows Bond confronting Professor Dent and grills him for information. Dent says he knows nothing. Later on he takes a boat to Crab Key and stands in an empty room. Dr No asks why Bond is still alive. Dent says he’s failed to kill him. Dent warns Dr. No that Bond will be on his way soon. Dr. No points to the caged tarantula on the table and says to go kill Bond*
Neyz: I don’t like it….I don’t like it.
*Bond returns to his hotel room and discovers someone’s been through his stuff. While he’s sleeping the tarantula sneaks up on him but Bond outwits it and kills it with his shoe*
Neyz: One less monster to worry about.
Warlock: I protest, that thing would have kept flies away for years.
*Bond goes to the Commissioner and he tells Ms Taro (Zena Marshall) to get the files on Dr. No and Crab Key. She reports the files are missing. Bond says he would be surprised if they weren’t missing. Bond picks up a package left from London and walks out the other door. He catches Taro listening at the keyhole and Bond asks her out. The package from London is a Geiger counter that detects nuclear radiation. Dent told him the samples were worthless chunks of iron. Felix: “He’s either a bad professor or a bad liar.” Bond “I intend to find out which.”
Warlock: Look out Dent!
*Bonds wants to go to Crab Key but Quarrel is too scared. He claims there’s a dragon. Back at the hotel the concierge tells Bond he has a telephone message. She asks Johnny (Willie Payne) where it is*
Warlock: Oh sorry sir, I ate it!
*The message is from Ms Taro. He calls her up and she asks to be picked up*
Warlock: Typical female, can’t drive themselves.
Neyz: I will slap you silly.
*Bond drives to Ms Taro’s place but is ambushed by a hearse full of goons. Bond drives underneath a crane while the hearse swerves off the mountain and explodes*
Warlock: Got any marshmellows?
*Construction guy: How did it happen? Bond: They were on their way to a funeral*
*Bond shows up at Taro’s place who’s surprised to see him. Bond hits on her as the phone rings. She tells whoever is on the phone that Bond is here and she’ll try to detain him. Bond plays Mickey the Dunce until he gets it on with her*
Warlock: That’s 2 on my counter.
*Bond calls a cab and when it arrives, he shoves Taro in. The chief of police (William Foster-Davis) is in there and Bond tells him to book her.*
Warlock: I thought it was Jack Lord’s job to do that.
*Bond puts the record Underneath The Mango Tree on the phonograph, pours himself a drink, puts a silencer on his pistol and plays solitaire waiting for someone to show up to Taro’s place*
Warlock: No. no NO! Put the suit card last. Ughhhh, terrible!
Neyz: You’re getting worked up over nothing.
Warlock: You want Bond to win at solitaire or what?
Neyz: You need help.
*Finally a gunman enters the house, fires six rounds into the empty bed. Bond knocks the gun out and its Professor Dent. Bond grills him and Dent says Bond has no idea what he’s up against. Dent grabs the gun and fires…out of ammo. Bond says “That’s a smith and Wesson, and you’ve had your six.” Bond shoots and kills Dent*
Warlock: Well he does have a license to do that in case the cops sniff around.
*Bond pulls up to the dock, where he, Quarrel and Leither make their way to Crab Key. They get halfway there and are forced to go by rowboat the rest of the way. Bond tells Felix to go back and get help while he and Quarrel go on. Felix “Hey Quarrel if you run into a dragon just breathe on him. With all that rum in you he’ll die happy.*
Warlock: I want rum.
Neyz: You get nothing.
*Next morning Bond wakes up to the sound of Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress) singing the Mango Tree song. The frame shows her in a bikini*
Warlock: Her lips aren’t even moving.
Neyz: I’m shocked, woman in a bikini and all you care about are her lips?
Warlock: Believe it or not, a bikini on screen in 1962 was big news.
*Bond makes his presence known by singing the Mango Tree song as well*
Warlock: Was that a top 40 hit back in 1962?
Neyz: Why ask me?
Warlock: I’d ask Wolfman Jack but he’s been dead for 20 years.
*Honey is skeptical of Bond and pulls a knife on him*
Warlock: Don’t shoot!
*Honey tells Bond not to worry about guards. Quarrel shows up and says a boat is on its way. The boat comes and goes and finds nothing. A giant crab makes his way toward Quarrel*
Warlock: That crab won best supporting actor for this movie.
*Honey says there’s a dragon and Quarrel agrees with her. Bond tells them both to stick it and say they’re getting out of there. Bond races to Honey’s boat which has more holes in it than swiss cheese. Honey blames Bond and James says sorry. She says she knows where to hide. Honey leads them through a swamp because it throws off the dogs scents. They hide in the water as the dogs come*
Neyz: Look at the babies!
*Dogs disturb a bunch of birds but the overdubbed sound is of monkeys*
Warlock: Monkey birds?
Neyz: Someone screwed up.
*A lone sentry searches the swamp and Bond takes him out with a knife. Honey is appalled*
Neyz: Oh get over it.
*Quarrel spots tire tracks and Honey says that’s where the dragon is. Bond and Honey share bonding moments and Honey says that Dr. No killed her father. She killed someone else with a black widow spider*
Neyz: Is she an agent?
Warlock: No, but she should be.
*At night the “dragon” spots them. Its just a giant tank painted like a dragon with a flamethrower attached. Bond says to go after the driver, he’ll get the tires. The “dragon” fries Quarrel and Bond surrenders*
Warlock: Black dude dies first…how cliché.
*Bond steps toward Quarrel and the guard shoots at him, says “We don’t have flowers, let’s go!”
Neyz: So this was considered action packed?
*Bond and Honey are captured and taken to a decontamination chamber. A paused shot of Honey reveals her naked*
Warlock: Its too bad VCR’s weren’t invented in 1962.
Warlock: Because guys would have been able to pause it here and go do their business.
Neyz: You’re disgusting.
*Bond and Honey are led by the friendly Sister Rose (Michel Mok) and Sister Lily (Yvonne shima)*
Neyz: They’re acting like they’re hotel guests and this is a prison.
Warlock: Yeah this started the habit of Bond villains treating Bond as a first class hotel guest rather than shoot him on sight.
*Bond and Honey sip coffee as Bond tries to figure out a way out. Honey passes out and Bond follows suit*
Warlock: Night night.
Neyz: Wake upppp…dammit mannnnn!
*Next frame shows Dr. No (Joseph Wiseman) checking up on Bond in his bed*
Warlock: How did he get in bed?
Neyz: The nurses put him in there.
*Honey is getting dressed*
Warlock: Hey can you wear those pink pants.
*Bond and Honey make their way to Dr. No’s dining room*
Neyz: They didn’t have hair straighteners back then
Warlock: Wow. Did not know that?
*Bond and Honey suspect they’re 200 feet beneath the sea. Dr. No says it cost one million dollars to set up shop here*
Warlock: And that’s 1962, its probably 20 million now.
Neyz: That explains how they have light and plumbing.
Warlock: No it doesn’t. They’re on a deserted island off the coast of Jamaica, how the hell did they get electricity out there?
Neyz: Its only a movie.
*Dr. No apologizes for not shaking his hands as his hands are made of metal*
Warlock: Typical 60’s filmmaking, having a white man caked with makeup to play an Asian role. Joseph Wiseman is Canadian.
Neyz: Why couldn’t they have a real Asian man play the role?
Warlock: Because the white movie mongers didn’t want to see minorities play prominent roles.
Neyz: That’s so stupid.
Warlock: I agree.
*Dr. No says he’s the mixed son of a German and a Chinese lady. He was the treasurer of a Chinese mob. Bond questions why they let a half breed run the show. No says it won’t happen again and he escaped to America with 10 million of their money. Bond says everyone is after him including the Chinese and Americans. No says he’s not here to stay and he’s on a mission*
Warlock: The plot thickens.
Neyz: No looks elegant here.
*Bond says to let Honey go and No tells the guards to escort her away. No reveals he’s a member of SPECTRE. Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge Extortion.*
Neyz: Isn’t that the movie that just came out.
Warlock: Yeah, but now they’re recycling the old shit. This was the original.
*No says he kept Bond alive because he wanted him to join SPECTRE. Bond says no and No says he misjudged him. Has the guards beat him up. Bond tries to escape their prison but a mini blast knocks him down. He uses his shoe to escape his cell and enter the air ducts*
Warlock: The shoe….counts.
Neyz: This time.
*Bond makes his way to Dr. No’s decontamination room. He takes out a nearby scientist and puts his radiation suit on as a disguise. He goes to the control room and discovers No’s evil plot is to blow up the American rocket about to be launched. Bond has 4 minutes 30 seconds to save the day.*
Warlock: That’s movie time, he’s got all day.
*Bond jacks up the radiation counter to blow the place before the rocket can be destroyed. The American rocket launches without a hitch. No and Bond get into a fist fight. Bond throws him into the boiling water. Since No has metal hands, he can’t grab anything to get out. He drowns. Bond finds Honey and escapes as the island blows*
*Bond and Honey run out of fuel halfway home. Bond’s plan B is to get it on as they’re rescued*
Warlock: That’s 3 by my count.
*End credits. James Bond will return in From Russia With Love*
Warlock: That’s a story for another time.
Neyz assessment: I thought it was good.
Warlock’s assessment: Its a classic. A great introduction to a movie series that’s been going on for 53 years now.
*Warlock rises from the recliner*
Warlock: That was a great movie. It had classic one liners, great acting and good humor mixed in. Definitely worth watching if you haven’t seen it already. Now…what are we going to do since the movie is over?
Neyz: I can think of something.
*Warlock joins Neyz on the couch and pulls a blanket over them*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.