35. Doll Graveyard (2005)

Doll Graveyard

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Barq’s root beer*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock doesn’t do any magic tricks, he just walks into the lair. Mr. America is on the left side of the couch putting the dvd in wearing his standard camo gear. Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner watching CNN until the dvd goes in. He’s wearing a white double knit suit with orange tie and green shoes*

Warlock: Movie 4 of our 8 pack is Doll Graveyard! Joining us live via satellite later to discuss the situation will be out friend Professor Nate Average live on site.

America: I have a bone to pick with him.

Wallstreet: Yeah, he almost got us killed with that Demonic Toys crap!

Warlock: Eh its water under the bridge. Anyway Doll Graveyard is about a teenaged boy who’s abused by bullies and his only defense are dolls he found buried in the backyard

America: Kind of like a garbage Puppet Master?

Warlock: So let’s not waste anymore time, let’s find out what Doll Graveyard is about.

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: A teenaged boy discovers a set of handmade dolls buried in his backyard. When the clan comes to life, they protect him from harm, fighting a bloody battle in his name.

America: Do I have to get dolled up for this one?

*Graphic Full Moon Features*

Warlock: At least this will be entertaining

*Graphic reads Los Angeles 1911*

Warlock: Going back in time again?

*Girl plays with 4 dolls, one of which looks like Marvin from Decadent Evil. She knocks over a vase and says “Daddy will be so angry*

America: Good job.

*Sure enough “Daddy” walks downstairs and opens a pocket watch*

Warlock: Time for a beating.

*Daddy makes fun of samurais and Sophia tells him her dolls are her friends. He asks why can’t she make normal friends like a normal child*

Warlock: For once I agree.

*Daddy tells Sophia to gather the dolls and bring them outside where she buries them herself*

Wallstreet: This guy’s a brute.

*Daddy: Hard work is the backbone of true character my dear*

Warlock: Can’t argue that.

*Sophia hugs all the dolls before dropping them in the grave. She slips, falls and hits her head. Daddy simply buries her*

America: Worst part is, for such a fall it shouldn’t have killed her. Which means he just buried her alive.

Warlock: The worst part is there’s no karma, he probably lived to be 90.

*Opening credits have Charlie Band as writer and edited by Dan Draven*

Warlock: Ah, the usual gang of idiots.

*Graphic reads Los Angeles 2005 in the same house as Sophia. The father (Lester) is the same actor who was Sophia’s dad just with his head shaved*

Warlock: I’m not fooled.

*Deedee and Guy walk in. They have a character development scene. Lester is only slightly nicer than Cyril (Sophia’s dad)

Wallstreet: Slightly is right.

*Lester pulls out the same pocket watch that Cyril had. Next frame has Guy walking into the yard to clean it up*

Warlock: That’s a lotttttt of work to do.

America: You didn’t even clear the wall, you just threw it two feet in front of you.

Wallstreet: He threw that one behind him, blocking his path.

America: He’s not cleaning at all.

*Guy finds an old bottle while raking the back yard. Then finds the samurai sword of Samurai*

Warlock: He looks like David Schwimmer’s love child.

*Guy discovers Samurai. He begins cleaning him*

Wallstreet: He’s like an archeologist.

*Deedee walks in and calls him gay for the dolls*

Warlock: Hahaha

*Deedee tries to blackmail Guy with a porno mag but he counters with knowledge of her weed and diary of things she wants to do to her boyfriend. Guy: I’m pretty sure those are illegal in over 40 states’

America and Wallstreet: Hahahaha

*Lester holds the pocket watch in front of a mirror*

America: Soon you’ll be very sleepy

Warlock: He’s gonna knock himself out, literally.

*Lester claims he found the pocket watch in the backyard*

Wallstreet: So that’s where he got it.

*Deedee: What’s her name? Lester: None of your business*

Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.

Wallstreet: I like the knot in his tie.

*Guy fixes up Samurai and puts it on his shelf*

America: He’s missing his sword.

Wallstreet: He’ll be looking for that.

America: Enjoy your dirt nap?

*Samurai blinks*

Warlock: He’s awakeeeeeee

*Olivia and and Terri enter the house*

Wallstreet: Holla!!

*Deedee: Girls night out!”

America: Night out? You’re in the house.

*Guy: Hey Olivia, I finally figured out the difference between you and the Eifel Tower. Olivia: What’s that? Guy: Some guys haven’t been up the Eifel Tower*

Warlock: Score!

*Olivia and Deedee leave*

Wallstreet: I think he won that one.

*Terri stays behind, she secretly likes Guy*

America: Oh here’s the love interest.

*Terri kisses him on the cheek and leaves*

Warlock: He’s gonna go jerk off now.

*Terri, Olivia and Deedee have girls night with champagne*

America: This isn’t girls night out, its girls night IN.

*Guy picks up Samurai and tells him Olivia sucks but Terri is hot*

Warlock: I don’t think he’s going to talk back.

*Rich and Tom bully Guy*

Warlock: Hey look its Brett from Evil Bong.

*Rich stomps on one of his action figures, Guy meekly fights back but is tied up by Rich*

Warlock: What a heel.

*Guy looks over and Samurai is gone*

Wallstreet: So it has begun!

*Ooga Booga, German Soldier and Baby Girl rise from the back yard*

Warlock:*Makes coughing noises*

America: Hey Ooga Booga, good to see you!

*Deedee cheers the others and lights up a joint. Terri refuses to smoke but Olivia gladly takes a hit*

Wallstreet: This one’s trouble.

*Rich and Tom barge in. Tom with Deedee and Rich with Olivia*

America: I knew it. Terri is the odd one out so she can run off to Guy.

*Tom raids the fridge as the dolls gather together outside*

America: Its a team effort.

Warlock: He’s got his sword back.

*Tom makes out with Deedee as Olivia drinks alone*

America: Ha-haaaaa!

*Olivia pulls Terri aside and says they should fuck with Rich. Terri refuses and says she has an open mind, Olivia needs to close her legs*

America: Its great she’s being called out because they’re right.

*Guy hears a girl’s voice saying he’s not alone*

Warlock: That’s probably Sophia’s voice.

*Rich confronts Terri in the kitchen. Rich: When I’m by myself, I can be a really sensitive guy. Just give me a chance.*

Warlock: Bullshit.

*Olivia listens to some crappy music while smoking a joint. Tom and Deedee continue to make out. Downstairs Rich tries to get in Terri’s pants, she freaks and calls him a jerk. He calls her a bitch*

Warlock: He’s got no game.

*Deedee has Tom handcuffed and reaches in her closet for something. Deedee says get ready for a surprise. All of a sudden German Soldier appears and uses his spear helmet to impale Tom through his dick.

Warlock, America and Wallstreet all hit the floor groaning: Owwwwww, ohhhhhh

*Deedee throws Soldier down and attends to Tom, crying out for help but no one hears her. Olivia is dancing to herself*

Warlock: I’m not gonna complain.

*Tom dies as Deedee cries on her bed. Downstairs Olivia finds Rich by himself.  Olivia straddles him*

Warlock: Something is afoot.

*Rich calls Terri a bitch and Olivia calls him out, he claims he was kidding. She slaps him and tosses him a cantelope. Tells him to cut a hole in it and it won’t say no.*

Warlock: A legitimately funny line.

*Olivia: Where is everyone?”

Warlock: We’re busy!

*German Soldier wakes up*

America: Ugh, where’s the advil.

*Olivia walks in the room and notices German Soldier alive. He starts shooting with a mini luger, does nothing*

Warlock: Well its too small to make a difference.

*Deedee finds Rich drunk and passed out on the kitchen table*

Warlock: ohhhh my headdddd

*Terri finds Guy tied up on the ground. She unties him. He looks like shit but she’s trying to get with him. Terri says he’s cool and he scoffs and calls her drunk. They share a sob story*

Warlock: Let me play a violin for him.

America: Let me fall asleep.

*Guy hears Sophia’s voice and Terri says he’s creeping her out*

Warlock: Oh well.

*The phone begins to ring as Olivia and Dedee discover Baby Doll. It says “gaga” as the girls freak out.*

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Deedee grabs the red hot poker and pokes Baby Doll with it*

America: Uh oh she’s got a poker!!

*Olivia reaches for her phone and Baby Doll eats her hand*

Warlock: Lunch time!

*Deedee knocks Baby Doll down with the poker*

America: She’s batting 1,000

*Guy is blanking on the bed as Terri asks what’s wrong. He comes to and Samurai goes to stab Terri. Guy tells him no and he stops*

Warlock: At least he can tell him no.

*Back in the kitchen, Rich is surrounded by empty beer cans. He really did cut a hole in the cantaloupe*

Wallstreet: Oh man.

Warlock: I’d love to see the father walk in right now.

Wallstreet: Oh he’d beat the crap out of him.

*Rich drops the chips, picks them up and Ooga Booga is standing on the table*

America: Oh boy, we even have tribal music.

*Rich: Dude you’re buff, do you work out!*

America: He’s having a conversation with a doll.

*Ooga Booga stabs him in the eye and slits his throat*

Wallstreet: Holy crap this thing is lethal.

Warlock: Ooga Booga 1, Rich 0

Wallstreet: So far Ooga Booga and German Soldier are tied with 1 kill apiece.

*Ooga Booga takes Rich’s eye out as Deedee screams*

America: He’s face painting

Wallstreet: That thing is a savage.

America: She didn’t see that one coming.

*Guy: I’m not Guy. Terri: Who are you? Guy: I’m Sophia”

Wallstreet: Ah the spirit

*Samurai slashes Terri on the ankle, non lethal. Guy stops her. Terri says the solution is to rebury it in the back yard. Meanwhile Olivia is freaking out and Deedee says to call for help. Olivia calls 911 and says they’re being attacked by killer dolls. Obviously dispatch hangs up*

Wallstreet: That will be a thousand dollar fine.

America: This is where I should tell you that prank calls are not tolerated.

Warlock: Meanwhile the cops from The Ice Cream Man would be over in 3 minutes.

*As Olivia throws  the phone down, German Soldier sneaks up on her. He fires a few rounds and misses*

America: He needs better aim

Warlock: He’s German, that’s why they lost the war.

*Deedee tosses a knapsack and wipes out German Soldier with it. Terri and Guy run in and Guy and Deedee hug. They plan to leave the house but Olivia has to go back to get her purse*

Wallstreet: She’s next.

America: Don’t go for the phone.

Wallstreet: She’s probably going to lose her hand.

*Baby Doll sneaks up on Olivia and smiles*

Warlock: Helllooooo

America: Hey good lookin.

*Baby Doll bites Olivia and she barely flinches*

Warlock: Terrible acting.

*Terri tells Guy to call them off. Its not Guy, its Sophia*

Warlock: He’s possessed again.

*Guy: There is no Guy”

Warlock: There is no Dana, there is only Zuul.

*Guy/Sophia: They’re only my friends. Ooga Booga: Yo!”

Warlock: Even he agrees.

America: Alright, we got them surrounded.

*Sophia/Guy: Guy’s not here anymore. Suddenly Lester walks in. Lester pulls the pocket watch out and turns into Cyril. They repeat the first scene in the movie with the dolls attacking Lester/Cyril. All of a sudden both Lester and Guy come to. Guy calls off the dolls. They say to rebury the dolls in the backyard. Cut to the backyard, Guy puts the dolls back in the ground with Deedee, Terri and Olivia watching. Terri kisses Guy’s cheek. Guy doesn’t have the heart to bury them, he just walks away. The camera follows and instead of Guy, its Sophia standing there.*

Wallstreet: Ahhh they leave you guessing.

Warlock: There’s a spinoff…

America: What???

Warlock: Yeah, its called Ooga Booga.

America: Oh god….

Wallstreet’s assessment: I was impressed, it was a very interesting concept. I like how they came back to avenge the death of their previous owner. 7 out of 10

America: Seven????? Ughhhhh

America’s assessment: It was certainly NOT a seven. Its either a 4 or 5. I’ll go with 4.5

Warlock’s assessment: It was better than half the crap we’ve seen the last two weeks. I’ll give it an even 5, nothing special but not terrible either.

Final Grade: 5.5, above average

America:  You guys are too generous

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was entertaining to say the least. Wasn’t great but wasn’t a total debacle either. It was a lot better than Watch Me and Spirit Hunter that’s for sure. Now, joining us live via satellite is the famous toymaker Professor Nate Average live on the scene at the actual Doll Graveyard. Nate can you hear us?

*The menu screen of the dvd fades and a video feed of Nate standing in a cemetery like setting appears*

Nate: Yes Warlock, good to see you again.

America: Oh you good for nothing….ahhhh!

*Warlock flicks his wrist and America’s dog tags whap him in the face before he can say anything else*

Warlock: Absolutely, where are you tonight?

Nate: Well Warlock, I’m standing here in the actual doll graveyard. Here’s where all the popular toys are buried once they’ve outlived their usefulness. *He starts walking* Ah, here’s Teddy Ruxpin, over here is My Pal Robot. And this is…

Warlock: Cherry Merry Muffin.

Nate: Why…yes….

Wallstreet: How the heck did you know that?

Warlock: Don’t ask….anyway continue Nate.

Nate: As for the dolls you’re talking about, I’m not sure about an “Ooga Booga” you’re referring to. Although we are reserving a spot for Mr. Potato Head, but the damn Toy Story movies keep reviving him.

America: What about the original GI Joes?

Nate: Are you kidding? Those are actually worth something. You’d be a fool to throw them out.

Wallstreet: Wait, didn’t you throw..

*Warlock flicks his other wrist and Wallstreet’s tie whacks him in the face*

Wallstreet: Ohhh!

Warlock: You sure you haven’t found the dolls I told you about?

Nate: Nope, I’ve seen barbies, I’ve seen cabbage patch kids, I’ve even seen a glowworm.

Warlock: What’s that behind you?

*Nate turns and sees an unmarked grave*

Nate: I have no idea, let’s check it out.

*Nate digs a hole in the ground*

Nate: One second guys.

*One second turns to 15 minutes as Warlock, Wallstreet and America all fall asleep*

Nate: I found something!

*The guys pop up*

Warlock: What? What?

*Nate holds up Samurai*

Nate: Is this what you’re looking for?

Warlock: Yes, that’s Samurai!

America: Holy crap he found them.

Nate: Want me to send this to you guys?

*Warlock, America and Wallstreet look at each other and all yell at once*

W/W/A: NO!!!

Nate: Alright, alright, no need to shout.

*Nate continues to dig for the rest of the dolls*

Warlock: We’ll let you get back to your archeology dig, take care Nate.

Nate: No problem, I have another movie for you guys too, I’ll send it…

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the tv turns off*

America: Fuck that, we’ve had enough excitement the last time he sent us something.

Warlock: Yeah really, well that about wraps up Doll Graveyard. Have a pleasant evening.

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