34. Spirit Hunter: La Llorona (2004)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a bottle of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock closes his eyes and the building rumbles before walking inside*

Mr. America: Hey asshole, you almost knocked our picture of Dollman off the wall.

*Mr. America is on the left side of the couch putting the dvd in. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat with dogtags, black combat boots and aviator shades*

Warlock: My bad. With us tonight is Mr. Wallstreet

*Mr. Wallstreet looks up from his Wallstreet Journal. He’s wearing a blue Nehru suit with a black tie and brown clogs*

Wallstreet: Oh hello.

Warlock: Tonight’s tale is movie 3 of our 8 pack….Haunted From Within! Otherwise known as Spirit Hunter: La Llorona.

America: That’s a mouthful.

Warlock: A movie based on the real life urban legend of a deranged mother who killed her kids.

Wallstreet: Wonderful.

*Warlock takes his seat on the couch*

Warlock: Let’s not delay, let’s get to Spirit Hunter: La Llorona

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A modern day re-telling of the urban legend La Llorona. A beautiful woman who before committing suicide drowned her children because of her cheating husband.”

America: Taking the phrase drowning of sorrows to a whole new meaning.

*Opening credit*

America: I already distrust this film.

Warlock: After one second?

America: Yeah.

*Woman reads news of family dying in car crash but one survivor becoming a psychic detective*

Wallstreet: Fascinating.

*Opening credits are very blurry*

Warlock: You know its not a good thing if you can’t read the credits.

America: I told you I had a bad feeling.

*Narrator tells story of a woman who drowned her children for his lover and he rejected her. Now completely insane, she roamed the streets screaming. Before the cops could arrest her, she drowned herself*

Warlock: That’s a real urban legend.

*College lecturer tells the story of La Llorona on a chalkboard*

Warlock: We had dry erase boards then, these guys are way behind.

*After professor tells tale, fake clapping noises are heard*

Warlock: Anyone else hear that?

Wallstreet: Yes.

*Next frame shows woman putting off-screen child to bed, then the next frame is her on the ground crying and coughing*

Warlock: How and why is she on the floor?

Wallstreet: We will see, we will see.

*Outside camera shot of woman’s condo*

Wallstreet: That’s definitely low income housing. Its got that look.

*Woman wakes up confused*

America: Alright how much did you party last night?

Warlock: This movie wasted zero time getting confusing.

*Woman stares at a fridge*

Warlock: Ice cream or cake?

*Woman hears laughing noises coming from bathroom. Walks into the bathroom to find child dead in bathrub*

Warlock: Who needs to explain a plot?

*David Stern goes on a monologue about life and death*

Warlock: Commissioner!

*David: I have a fascination with mothers that kill their children. Don’t ask me why”

America: Don’t worry I won’t.

*David uses the old twirl phone*

Warlock: Hey look the old twirl phones. 1-800 Collect anyone?

America: They’ve taken the simple “these chicks are being possessed” into a god damned philosophy lesson

Wallstreet: Outstanding observation.

*Frame shows detective interrogating woman with a sub nearby*

Warlock: That sub on the table won best supporting actor.

*Detective Luppino says no but the audio is off by a half a second*

Warlock: Terrible editing.

*Detective: Are you ready to talk?”

America: If you talk you get a sandwhichhhhhh!

*Detective Harrington walks in*

America: Ok, she’s not just a random person.

*Harrington: You’re not insane. You’re a monster.” She rolls up her sleeves*

America: Oh you really did it now, she rolled up her sleeves. This is about to get real.

*Woman starts crying*

Wallstreet: Anyone see the nasty cold sore on her lip?

*Harrington doesn’t believe woman’s story*

America: Goldilocks doesn’t believe you

*Olivia laughs hysterically, screams then stares blankly*

Wallstreet: She might be a little crazy.

Warlock: A little???

*Photoshopped billboard for David Stern’s psychic readings*

America: That looked like a motel than a doctor’s office

*Woman runs up to Stern I need your help*

Warlock and America together: Who are you???

*Stern: I don’t give refunds*

Warlock: Fraud.

*Woman offers to by Stern a drink, he says its hot so sure*

America: Maybe if you weren’t wearing a denim jacket it wouldn’t be so freakin hot.

*Detective Harrington looks over Olivia’s apartment*

America: I don’t think that’s a very secured crime scene. No evidence markers, no crime scene tape, no photos, nothing.

Warlock: Agent Gibbs would be PISSED.

*Detective: Who’s earrings are these? Olivia: Anna’s. Harrington: Matthew Ryan’s wife?*

America: She says Matthew Ryan like we’re supposed to know who that is. Who the hell is Matthew Ryan?

Wallstreet: Bring him out now!!!

Warlock: I know he is, he plays quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons.

America: Not him!

*Luppino and Harrington discuss Matthew Ryan*

Warlock: Can we get some character development please?

*Harrington questions Anna. Anna asks her to please explain what’s going on*

America and Wallstreet: Hahahaha

*Anna gasps before Harrington tells her Olivia murdered her kids*

Warlock: She jumped her cue by a good 3 seconds.
*Anna: Are you serious?”

America: Of course she’s serious! Do you not see that serious face?

*Anna cries and Matthew walks in. Matthew: Who are you?”

America: No sound of a door being opened. He just magically appears..

*Matthew: Let’s just forget this ever happened*

Warlock: Yeah, we just imagined the whole thing.

*Daniel Stern meditates*

America: Errrrr I’m meditating, errrrr

Wallstreet: This guy looks like Adam Savage from Mythbusters.

America: Shut up I’m meditating!

*Kid plays an original Gameboy while his mom makes stew*

Warlock: I would complain about not explaining who these people are, but the Gameboy makes it better.

Wallstreet: This was 2004, little late for that style.

*Woman cuts up onions with the film’s audio microphone clearly shown in the top left corner of the kitchen*

Wallstreet: Look, there’s the microphone!

Warlock: Piss poor editing.

*Ghost appears behind woman*

America: Helllo!!!!

*Woman cuts her finger then drops the stew*

America: You are on a roll! What’s next?

Warlock: All you can eat off the floor.

*Woman starts crying as she scoops up the stew*

Warlock: Unless she’s on her period, that’s no reason to cry.

*Ghost speaks Spanish and woman cries while answering*

Warlock: Can we get some subtitles here?

*Anna helps her kid climb the monkey bars*

America: Yayyyy we did it!

*Random lady gives Anna a business card for Carmelita, psychic extraordinaire*

Warlock: Worst looking business card I’ve ever seen.

*Carmelita asks why Anna is here*

America: Clearly she came to see you. She didn’t come here to see the wallpaper!

*Carmelita tells Anna during a séance to kill the kids and take their souls. Anna smacks her and runs out distressed*

Warlock: That’s very bad advice.

*Carmelita tells an unnamed person on the phone to stop sending people to her. She says ciao as she hangs up*

Warlock: Ciao? That’s Italian not Spanish. I’m lost.

*Stern knocks on Carmelita’s door. She lets him in. She offers him water*

Warlock: Is it poisoned?

*Stern asks where the ancient candlestick came from*

America: At the Dollar Tree.

*Stern shows Carmelita the drawing he made*

America: What a shitty drawing.

*Stern: Anna Ryan was here?*

Warlock: Wait, you mean the other NAMBLA is here?

*Stern demands to know how Carmelita summoned the spirit of La Llorona with Olivia*

Warlock: Yes, let’s get some progress for once.

*Stern reads the La Llorona book and says its bullshit*

Warlock: Well so much for that.

*Stern figures out that Anna and Olivia are like sisters and could be possessed herself*

America: Is he having an epiphany?

*Anna goes to sleep with makeup on*

Warlock: Seriously?

*Matthew walks in and begins taking his pants off*

Warlock: I don’t want to see that.

America: Obviously Anna wants nothing to do with it

*Matthew is in tighty whities and tries to get in her pants: My seed will not go to waste!*

Warlock, America and Wallstreet: HAAAAAhahahahahahahaa

Warlock: Line of the movie.

America: Wow.

*Matthew: You’re going to look great when you’re pregnant*

Warlock: I can’t argue that.

America: Here’s a tip, don’t use a pregnancy on your campaign trail! Imagine if I did that in relation to aviation somehow?

Wallstreet: How so?

America: Honey, you should get pregnant so I can buy a bigger plane to carry that extra weight. What kind of sense does that make? That hardly seems caring when you justify that means.

*Anna has a bad dream of La Llorona and Matthew wakes up freaked out*

America: She didn’t even scream, she’s just breathing heavy. He’s the one who freaked out, talk about a light sleeper.

Warlock: The only nudity we’ve seen so far is Matthew in his underwear.

Wallstreet: This is unacceptable.

*Matthew: During my campaign speech I want you on your best behavior*

Warlock: Oh yeah, big help.

*Luppino’s suit doesn’t impress Wallstreet*

Wallstreet: His suit is not worthy of the police department.

*Stern walks into interrogation room and Olivia is still there, in same outfit*

Warlock: Its clearly been a few days and she’s still there in the same room?

Wallstreet: She must really stink at this point if she’s been there for days.

*Stern to Olivia: I’m Dr. David Stern*

Warlock: I’m commissioner of the NBA.

*Stern: Olivia, you didn’t kill your children. Someone else did.”  Olivia: Yeah, Anna. She was a teenage runaway and my family took her in. She took everything from me, I was supposed to marry Matthew*

Wallstreet: Ahhhhhhh

*Olivia claims she told the police she drowned them because she wasn’t aware, but now she believes Anna killed them. Stern wants to know more about Anna but Luppino barges in*

America: Time’s up.

*Luppino goes berserk and tells Stern to leave or be arrested*

America: Love how he changed his clothes just to throw him out

*Olivia looks to the corner and sees her son standing there*

Warlock: He’s in timeout.

*Luppino and Harrington’s discuss Harrington’s upcoming date with Mike as her cell phone goes off*

Warlock: Remember that ringtone?

Wallstreet: Nokia, I knew that tone anywhere.

*Luppino: What? When?”

Warlock: Where?

Wallstreet: Why?

America: Who?

*Someone calls Luppino and tells him that Olivia is dead and that she slit her wrists. Wallstreet spots an inconsistency*

Wallstreet: Look! He’s got the same shirt he had on before he tossed Stern out.

America: Yeah, we both spotted that.

Wallstreet: So who gets credit for the QB sack?

Warlock: Both of you, a half for each.

Wallstreet: The office scenes must have been filmed together but edited badly

*Stern calls Carmelita from a phonebooth*

Warlock: This movie is dating itself pretty bad.

Wallstreet: Yeah it was 2004 alright.

*Stern and Carmelita say that Anna will kill again*

Warlock: Ah lovely.

*Matthew gets in bed with a red shirt*

Warlock: At least he’s clothed this time.

*Stern is staking out the Ryan residence until he falls asleep. He’s awoken by Detective Harrington*

Warlock: What happened to Mike?

*Harrington tells us Stern’s story. Stern: Congrats, you’ve been promoted to detective.”

Warlock: Petty Officer blablablah.

*Harrington gives him a tongue lashing as a car passes by*

Warlock: Watch, she’s gonna get run over.

*Harrington tells him to pack up his wagon and get out of town*

Warlock: The detectives in this town are assholes?

*Anna is in the bathtub naked but puts a towel on so we don’t see anything*

Warlock: Uh oh, no female nudity. This can’t be good.

*Anna see’s the spirit of La Llorona in the mirror and starts saying Our Father*

Warlock: That’s really not going to help.

*Stern confronts Anna and she calls him crazy, then leaves him alone*

America: That’s pretty fair, he just walked up on her like a stalker.

Warlock: Hard to feel sorry for the guy.

*Next frame shows Anna in Olivia’s apartment*

Warlock: Where’s the crime scene tape?

America: I told you there isn’t any.

*Anna sees Olivia pointing and telling her to get out of her house. She wakes up in the car*

Warlock: Oh, so the frame change actually made sense.

*Anna is all hopped up on pills, she’s laying in her nightgown slapping herself*

Wallstreet: That’s not a very dignifying position.

*Anna sees the ghost of Olivia and Olivia tells her to take care of her kids*

Warlock: I think her definition of taking care is entirely different.

*Matthew walks in the door. Anna?”

America: No one’s home!

*Matthew: Anna??*

Warlock: Go with him?

*Matthew calls Detective Harrington and reports his wife is missing and he doesn’t know where she went, tells her to keep this as low key as possible.*

Warlock: He hasn’t been this upset since the neighbor blew all his leaves into Matthew’s yard.

*Matthew says if Harrington gets the job done, he’ll make it worth it for her*

Warlock: Is he bribing a police officer?

America: Trying to.

*3 kids are out back talking when Anna staggers toward them. One of the kids skateboards away. Anna tries to hug the other kid and she runs away. The final kid in the Ramones shirt takes off the other way*

Warlock: Joey Ramone should sue this movie for character defamation.

*Harrington on the phone: How do you know she’ll do that?”

America: I have a hunch!

*Next frame shows Anna in her nightgown staggering down the street. Some random dude pulls up and picks her up, brings him back to her apartment. Assures her she’s going to be ok*

America: I say he’s seedy.

*Random dude asks questions then says let’s get her cleaned up. He runs water in the bathroom and leads her into the bathroom*

Wallstreet: Look at the tattoos.

*Anna shoves him against the wall, he falls into the tub. All of a sudden he’s stabbed to death but the shoddy editing makes it look like someone else is doing it. He takes 30 seconds to die*

Warlock: Took long enough. If they were trying for Psycho, they failed.

*Matthew gets a tip from Harrington, turns on the news to find out the random dude was named Nicholas Roper and police have connected Anna to the murder.  Newscaster: Its been a weird night here in Riverside City*

America: And its about to get stranger.

*Anna wakes up in a deserted field*

Warlock: She’s having one of those Trevor Phillips moments.

*Stern tracks where Anna has been*

Warlock: How did he know where to find her?

Wallstreet: He’s psychic man.

America: In the world of this movie, how long has this gone on for?

Wallstreet: A few days I think.

America: I’m just trying to figure out how much vacation time he has.

Wallstreet: He’s had on the same clothes almost the whole movie.

*Stern thinks to himself the only way to stop Anna is to spirit channel to talk to La Llorona. He may die*

Warlock: Awww, isn’t that too bad.

*Stern tries to enter the spirit world on Carmelita’s couch. He tells her not to wake him until its over. The animation looks like he was transported Star Trek style*

Warlock: Good work Mr. O’Brien.

*Stern tries to reason with La Llorona that she must face up to her punishment. He’s knocked down and she laughs at him*

America: I’m still standing!

*Stern: Leave us alone! Crazy bitch! Leave us alone*

Warlock. America and Wallstreet: Hahahahaha

*Ramirez has fallen asleep in the stakeout car. Harrington wakes him up*

Wallstreet: You fool!

*Harrington is driving with Matthew and they find Nicholas’ car with Anna carrying her son to the river*

Warlock: Is this the big climax?

America: 10 minutes left, so maybe.

*Matthew tries to stop Anna from drowning her son by pleading*

Warlock Why doesn’t he just tackle her?

America: I don’t know.

*Stern is attacked by La Llorona as Carmelita ponders what to do*

Wallstreet: He’s breathing, leave him alone.

*Carmelita enters the spirit world to save Stern*

America: Are you serious lady? Ughhh

Warlock: Many hands make light work.

*Carmelita slits her wrist and dies to enter the spirit world. She nods toward the camera*

Warlock: What is she looking at me for?

*A completely unprintable plot twist occurs that causes Carmelita to turn into a little girl only for Carmelita to pull her spirit away from La Llorona  Harrington arrests Anna*

America So the cops are gonna find Carmelita dead and pin it on Stern. Anna goes away for life in a psych ward….what a happy ending!

*Next frame shows little girl Anna attacked earlier waking from a nightmare. A cat cries out*

America: Who let the cat in?

*Little girl looks out window and sees La Llorona*

Wallstreet: I thought she was dead!

*Harrington watches the tape of Olivia’s confession and she sees the ghost.*

Warlock: Its a bit late for that.

America: Someone’s late for the party.

*Credits roll*

Wallstreet: This movie was terrible.

America: What??? What kind of an ending is that? *rants and raves*

Warlock: Get a hold of yourself.

America: Who me?

Warlock: Yeah you.

America: Its a valid rant!

America’s assessment: Ughhh…1.5 out of 10.

Wallstreet’s assesment:  Just when you thought it was going to be a good ending, it turned out worse than it was supposed to be. 4 out of 10…and that’s harsh for me.

Warlock: Harsh????

America: That’s generous! They’re setting up for a sequel that NO ONE wants to scene. The funding for the second movie drowned out.

Warlock’s assessment: That was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. It had horrible lighting, horrible acting, horrible editing, horrible cinematography, horrible effects and only one good line. 1.5 out of 10 just BARELY beating out Dead Clowns.

Final Grade: Thanks to Wallstreet, 2.5  Abomination

America Thanks a lot Wallstreet.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Thank god its over….that was AWFUL. That was seriously was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’m gonna go bury my head in sand now.

*Warlock leaves the lair*

America: This movie was so bad, I’m going to make like a turtle and find a shell to hide in

*America follows suit out the door*

Wallstreet: Guys?……Guys?

*Neither return*

Wallstreet: Heh!

*Wallstreet grabs the remote, puts on Bloomberg and puts his feet up*

Wallstreet: Have a pleasant evening.

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