*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, Hotel Transylvania t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*A voice from inside shouts: This is ridiculous!*
Warlock: Uh, hold on a minute.
*Warlock enters the lair. Mr. America is sitting on the couch laughing at Mr. Wallstreet. Mr. America is wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat, black combat boots, dog-tags and aviator shades*
America: Shaddup, its just for one movie.
*The recliner is not in the room. Instead, Mr. Wallstreet is sitting on a stool in the middle of a glass chamber. He’s wearing a white, double knit suit with white loafers and a black tie. He’s folding his arms and stewing*
Wallstreet: This is outrageous, this isn’t even from the damn movie!
Warlock: As you can see, we’re conducting an experiment today. Wallstreet has agreed to…
Wallstreet: I didn’t agree to anything, America pushed me in here!
Warlock:……help us by entering THE FEAR CHAMBER! Apparently this chamber is haunted by spirits and if there are actually any, Wallstreet will let us know.
Wallstreet: Why can’t you do it?
Warlock: I’m the host. If something happens to me, there’s no show.
Wallstreet: What about you? *turns to America*
America: It was you or me, don’t be afraid I’ll be right behind you.
Wallstreet: Could someone at least toss a donut in here?
Warlock: As for the movie, its called The Fear Chamber!
America: Big surprise.
Warlock: A 2009 horror film about a guy who cuts people up and sells their organs for money.
Wallstreet: What does that have to do with this infernal thing? *He kicks the chamber*
*Warlock takes his seat on the couch*
Warlock: Absolutely nothing. So without further delay, its time for Fear Chamber.
*Warlock reads the tag-line: “A psychotic man likes to hunt down young women, then kill them and sell their organs. Detective Nick Ferguson has been chasing this killer for years and has to overcome his personal demons in order to conquer this serial killer.*
America: Guy’s gotta make a living somehow.
*A woman is on a slab in a dungeon setting calling out for help, her breast is out*
Warlock: 10 seconds into this movie, its already better than Watch Me. Both with camera quality and the nudity.
*Evil doctor goes to slice up his victim when Detective Nick runs in with a gun. He’s too late, the evil doctor cuts her open*
America: Too late asshole.
*Nick finds another woman tied up, he calls for backup*
Warlock: He did the right thing, he radioed for backup.
America: Wow, I’m impressed.
*Evil doctor takes a few snapshots of the dead girl and smears his face with blood like war paint*
Warlock: Establishing him as a sicko, it….
*Nick chases Doctor to the roof where they get in a fight. Doctor stabs Nick in the chest with a syringe and runs away. Opening credits*
Warlock: Already better than the last movie.
*Nick wakes up in a hospital bed*
Warlock: The Edward Norton lookalike contest winner.
*Nick hallucinates that the dead girl walks into his room*
Warlock: A legitimately cool effect.
*A smoking hot nurse waits on Nick*
Warlock: What strip joint did they get her from?
*Nurse notices bathroom door opens*
America: Oh look…a door!
*Scene cuts to Nick having a hallucination but nurse calms him down. Captain Bradley shows up*
Warlock: Its Steven Williams!!
America: Where have I seen him before?
Warlock: Captain from 21 Jump Street and Creighton Duke from Jason Goes To Hell
*Dr Youngblood snatches his next victim by pretending to be a wheelchair bound bum*
America: Don’t do it….don’t do it….you did it.
Warlock: That was effective.
*Nick wakes up at 3:05 AM to his shower on*
America: Wherever this man travels, high water bills ensue. Has no idea how to turn off the water.
*Nick hallucinates that he sees a bathtub full of limbs. Turns away, looks back and there’s nothing in there. Turns around and a woman is holding her own organs. Wakes up…turns over and sees another corpse. Wakes up for real this time*
Warlock: Those were some good jump scares. We’re just too insensitive to jump.
*Nick gets call on the phone. Nick: Who the fuck is this?”
America: I’m not telling youuuuuu!
*Nick confronts Captain Bradley with a music keyboard on his desk*
Warlock: Why is there a keyboard on his desk?
America: Who knows?
*Nick tells the Captain that he’ll think he’s crazy but he sees the murders before they happen. Bradley: You’re pulling my dick right?”
Warlock and America: HAhahahahaha!
*Wallstreet kicks the chamber*
Wallstreet: What’s going on out there?
Warlock: Shaddup in there, let me know if something scary happens.
*Bradley: I’ve put my life on the line many times”
America: But I can’t put it on the line any longer.
*Nick tells his buddy that he’s seeing victims before they happen, buddy asks if its the meds*
Warlock: That would make sense.
*Nick chills at the bar with Kathryn. They talk back and forth*
America: Ok let’s get to the point, what do you want?
*Kathryn hands him a business card and says she can see the victims too. Says he’s been blessed with a gift.*
America: Uhhhh, it depends on how you look at it. Its hardly a gift!
Warlock: She’s a psychic, wonderful!
*Nick is skeptical and tells Kathryn to buzz off. Meanwhile next frame shows Dr. Funny Fingers cutting a woman’s eye out*
Warlock: Hey did you see that?
America: Yeah I really had my eye on that one
*Nick gets a call and hears victims*
*Bradley calls Nick in a bright gold suit*
Warlock: Look at that suit!
*Wallstreet shouts from the chamber*
Warlock: What he say?
*Warlock slaps him*
Warlock: Get outta here!
*Nick talks to Dr. Youngblood and Doc says “I don’t have the killer’s address or home phone number’
America: Yeah that would be too easy!
*Nick holds up a bone and says Doc!”
America: I’ve got a bone to pick with you!
*Nick figures out Dr. Funny Fingers is cutting up the bodies and either burying the bodies or cremating them*
America: Brilliant detective work!
*Nick passes out on the couch and has visions again. Its pouring rain out*
Warlock: There’s always water around him.
*Nick shuts his window that was wide open*
America: Good job.
*Nick sees a corpse show up in the window then wakes up soaking wet with sweat*
America: Saw that coming.
*Its revealed Nick’s wife is dead and he’s addicted to Prozac.*
America: Either we talk about it here or we get the van and you get a nice long ride with the nice young men in the clean white coats.*
*Doctor Albright: “You touch me again and I’ll rip your fucking arm off.”
Warlock: Ok that was funny.
*Nick reveals someone shot his wife in the head*
*Nick says he’s drinking while taking meds. Female shrink says that’s what is causing the hallucinations. Nick says she can take your hour and shove it up her ass*
Wallstreet muffled: “Zif nif de griff niff!”
Warlock: What he said.
*Nick is having a drink*
America: Oh boy, we’re changing it up. Its on the rocks this time.
*Nick hears a noise*
America: Spirit world calling, spirit world calling!
*Nick walks outside, goes down to the docks. Sees a dead woman in a chair. Looks away, looks back and there’s no one in the chair. Back to Captain Bradley’s office, Bradley says he wants the old Nick back*
Warlock: He needs the OLDDDDDDD Stone Cold.
*Nick hires Kathryn who says there’s something not right here*
Warlock: He needs to do the laundry.
*Nick walks around the garage with Kathryn*
America: Better hope the Captain doesn’t find about this. They already think he’s nuts.
*Nick finds a burnt corpse in a trunk in the garage*
Warlock: Yeah that’s pretty dead.
*Kathryn and Nick share a bonding moment. She says it wasn’t his fault for his wife’s death. Tells him not to run away. He calls CSI*
Warlock: Haha a CSI crossover.
*Next frame shows Dr. Youngblood going over the coroner’s report. *
Warlock: He seems pretty calm about it.
*Bradley: “Those fucking leeches, they’ll print anything*
Warlock: Yup…..damn media.
*Youngblood calls Nick and says there’s no way to match the sawblades of the saw that cuts the girls*
America: What about Jigsaw?
*Bradley tells Nick to get his act together because he’s losing it*
America: That’s an understatement.
*Nick pours himself a glass of Jack then calls Kathryn’s number, no answer. He hears the water running upstairs*
Warlock: The water bill must be through the roof.
*Nick hallucinates that he sees a naked, dead woman in his shower*
Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time.
*Nick and Kathryn say that the killer’s name is Teddy. *
America: I’m gonna guess and say he’s not a gentle teddy.
Warlock: I wonder why.
*Nick gets a lead and heads to a warehouse. He calls for backup*
America: He’s the smartest cop in movie history. Its incredible.
Warlock: He’s getting creative but at least he called for help.
*Nick investigates and finds mutilated women only to be attacked by Teddy. Teddy beats the crap out of him only to get kicked in the nuts*
America: I don’t care who you are, unless you’re wearing a cup, that’s going to hurt.
*Nick chases Teddy and pulls a gun on him who turns on a propane tank. Now if Nick fires, they both die*
*Teddy literally walks away with Nick not pursuing him.*
Warlock: HE LET HIM GO! HE DIDN’T EVEN TRY?
America: Not even fisticuffs? Boooooooo!
*Back in Bradley’s office, Bradley gives him a tongue lashing for performing medieval dentistry on a kid for petty theft*
Warlock: That’s HILARIOUS.
*Bradley takes Nick off the case, Nick tells him to stick it. Bradley asks for his badge and gun*
America: There it is!!! Saw that coming 5 minutes ago.
Warlock: Too cliché.
*Teddy stalks the nurse that treated Nick in the hospital*
Warlock: There’s the next victim.
*Nick steps out of the shower and hears faucet running*
Warlock: This movie makes me want to take a piss.
*Nick is freaked completely out by Kathryn who sneaked up on him*
America: How the hell did she get in.
*Kathryn claims the door was open*
America: Oh ok….wait….why the hell did he leave the door open? Ughhh
*Wallstreet bangs on the chamber*
Warlock: What do you want?
Wallstreet: *muffled* turn up the volume!
Warlock: Go to the clown room?
America: Turnip and mushrooms?
Warlock: We don’t have those vegetables.
*Nick and Kathryn share bonding moments by Nick’s pool. Next frame shows Dr. Youngblood coming up on Nick’s car and Nick points a gun on him. Youngblood says he just about shit his pants*
Warlock: Something stinks.
*Youngblood says Teddy’s had over 20 victims for many years. Took his own mother’s head*
Warlock: Wonderful. No Mother’s Day card coming from him.
*Next frame shows Teddy getting it on, drugging and cutting up a hooker. Nick wakes up to hear the sound of tv static*
Warlock: They’ve done this to death. We know the drill. He hears a noise, investigates, a corpse pops up, wakes up in sweat.
*The TV turns itself on, he unplugs it. He grabs a magnum gun and hears someone screaming. He investigates around the house. Hears water running again. He walks to the kitchen and Teddy surprises him by beating the crap out of him.*
America: Did you leave the front door open again?
*Teddy kidnaps Nick and ties him to his chair in the dungeon. Wendy is on the slab squirming. Nick: You’re not gonna get away with this. Teddy: You think so?”
Warlock: I like his acting.
*Teddy pulls out Wendy’s teeth with pliers*
Warlock: He’s moonlighting as a dentist.
*Nick gets to Teddy by bringing up his mother. “Teddy: My mother loved me. MY MOTHER LOVED MEEEE!!”
Warlock: He was one of those that was held too much as opposed to not enough.
*Teddy cuts open Wendy, opens her up and pulls out her liver*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Derek walks in to Bradley’s office said a doctor called him with info on Teddy. Bradley said to keep him informed. Back to the dungeon, Teddy says HE’S the one that placed the call. Teddy says his plan is going to burn the place down with Derek and Nick in the building. Teddy tapes Nick’s mouth shut and carries Wendy away*
Warlock: Whatever happened to Kathryn?
*Derek walks up to the dungeon and knocks on the door*
Warlock: Ram it down, forget knocking!
*Next frame shows Wendy taking an acid bath*
Warlock: I like Wendy’s fries, not Wendy fried.
*Derek finds Nick but Teddy guts him from behind.*
Warlock: Yeah big help Derek.
*Teddy threatens Nick that he’s going to take his heart out*
America: He’s been a great bad guy so far.
*The dungeon begins to violently shake*
America: The spirits are angry!!!
Warlock: Quick, get some water running.
*Nick cuts himself free, takes Derek’s gun and tells Teddy not to move. Teddy walks toward him and Nick shoots him dead*
Warlock: That’s too easy.
*Nick calls the Captain and reports his location*
Warlock: Bit late to call for backup.
*Next frame is Dr. Youngblood giving the lowdown on Teddy. He sold organs to hospitals for money. Nick goes through the pictures of the dead women and finds Kathryn’s in there. Nick’s face turns white*
America: What’s the matter, you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
*Youngblood tells Nick that his heart transplant donor was Kathryn. Nick realizes that’s why he’s been seeing her around. Back in Bradley’s office, they crack the case by saying they’re going after the buyers of the organs. Bradley: “That’s all water under the bridge”
Warlock: Oh don’t say water.
*Bradley promotes Nick to lieutenant but Nick’s face drops. He resigns effective immediately, gives up his badge. Bradley asks what he’s going to do now, Nick doesn’t know. Next frame shows Nick pouring all his booze down the drain with the faucet running. Nick walks upstairs……end credits*
Warlock: What kind of ending was that?
America: I don’t know.
America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 4….good acting, kind of boring.
Warlock’s assessment: I’ll give it a 5…..same assessment only I like the creepy factor.
Wallstreet’s assessment: Ehsgdgfffff errgfffff erffff (translated: I give it a 5)
Final Grade: 4.5 – Below Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was better than expected. Could have done without the Joker makeup but Teddy made for an interesting villain. The movie itself was easy to sit through even if it dragged a little bit. All in all it was average, not too bad and not too good.
Wallstreet: Can I get out of here now? I have to piss.
*Warlock opens the chamber door*
Warlock: So what did you see in there?
Wallstreet: Nothing, absolutely nothing. Talk about a waste of time.
Warlock: Nothing scary?
Wallstreet: Nothing….now excuse me.
*America walks out of the bathroom as Wallstreet runs past him. Warlock goes to take the dvd out of the player and America looks at the open chamber. He curiously enters the chamber and closes the door*
Warlock: Hey, have you seen the remote?
*All of a sudden the room goes dark, Wallstreet walks out of the bathroom*
Wallstreet: Did you dim the lights again?
Warlock: No actually.
*Strange lights and screams emit from the chamber*
Warlock: Did that happen with you?
*All of a sudden Mr. America bursts through the chamber door and runs out the lair screaming with arms flailing over his head*
Wallstreet: What the hell?
*Warlock turns to the camera*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.