32. Watch Me (2006)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock wiggles his fingers and the nearby potted plant begins to shake around before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight we start a brand new 8-pack horror movie collection. Are you ready guys?

*Mr. America is on the left side of the couch. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots, dog-tags and aviator shades*

Mr. America: The anticipation is killing me…..not.

*Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner wearing a black Men’s Warehouse suit with black clogs, white undershirt, black tie and shades*

Mr. Wallstreet: No.

Warlock: Good. We begin with Watch Me, a movie about a girl who’s friends begin to drop dead due to a computer virus.

Mr. America: Watch me? I don’t think the world wants to see this.

Warlock: So let’s get started with Watch Me

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: Tess Hooper’s friends are brutally murdered. Linking them together is a file that spreads through electronic address books to seek its victims.

Mr. America: Ughhh, stupid virus.

*Opening scene shows Asian guy walking with grocery bags*

Warlock: This isn’t a good sign, the camera work is second rate.

Wallstreet: The sound is just as bad.

*Jo-Jo hits elevator button twice, it doesn’t work, he walks up stairs*

America: Hitting the button repeatedly isn’t going to make it go faster, stupid.

*Jo-Jo closes his laptop with porn showing*

America: Heh, he’s watching porn.

*Asian dude finds a wig and blood in the sink. He goes to the balcony and calls Gary who is actually 30 feet below lying dead*

Warlock: Well so much for Gary.

*Reporter says Gary has been arrested for illegally distributing pornography*

America: I knew it. They were watching porn! Also, if she’s on a web broadcast I wanna know what her credentials are. They can’t be that good.

*Opening credits last about 5 seconds*

Wallstreet: This is a very low budget movie.

America: At leas the camera is steady.

*Man talks on the phone in front of a fire*

America: Are they going to explain who this idiot is?

*Man opens a file by Gary titled “Watch Me”*

America: Don’t do it! Hope your will is made.

*Man watches video in horror. An Evil Dead style camera plunge shows a Volkswagon Beetle in the driveway. Crunchy noises are heard as Man looks for pet*

America: Here’s an idea, turn some lights on!

*Man throws ball to attract pet*

Warlock: *Makes exploding noises*

Wallstreet: Where is your pistol? You fool!

America: Pretty sure he doesn’t have one.

*Man turns lights on*

America: Hey he turned the lights on, what a novel idea.

*Man turns lights off. Tries to turn them on but they don’t work. Picks up a flashlight as creepy piano music starts*

Warlock: Yay creepy piano music.

*Man opens cabinet and there’s a George Foreman grill. Looks up and a woman in a yellow dress spooks him. Woman crawls toward him and puts two fingers in his mouth*

Warlock: Is she going to make him throw up?

Wallstreet: This movie is making me want to throw up.

*Yellow dress woman sews Man’s eyes shut as dial-up sounds go off in the background*

Warlock: Ah the good old days.

*Jill introduces herself to Taku*

Warlock: Oh boy, random goons.

*Taku says he’s going to the kitchen, instead pulls up a chair*

America: I thought you said you were going to be in the kitchen. Just sitting in a chair is not going to the kitchen.

*Jill is apparently renting adult films for research for “class”. Taku gives her a sly look*

Wallstreet: Ha!

*Taku: Wait here please*

Warlock: Watch, he comes back in dominatrix gear.

*Taku gives Jill random movies, she goes to leave but she forgets to pay him*

Warlock: Cheapskate.

*Jill and Tess banter back and forth*

Warlock: I love Australian accents.

*Tess wonders where the adult films came from*

Warlock: You won’t live long enough to find out.

*Tess says she’s hungry and she’s going to get popcorn*

America: That’s popcorn, its not exactly filling.

*Jill watches the video “Watch Me” as Tess fumbles the popcorn*

Warlock: That was a footrace to the fumble!

*Yellow dress girl walks backwards*

Warlock: She’s moonwalking!

America: They started the creepy death music a minute early.

*Tess notices door closing*

America: Why do they have a pool cleaning net hanging off the door?

Wallstreet: Could be a butterfly net.

*Tess walks around in pitch black darkness*

Warlock: I know the movie is supposed to be dark but at least have US be able to see it.

Wallstreet: Just like the last place, he lights didn’t work.

*Tess screws in a new lightbulb and yellow dress appears next to her*

Warlock: If this was a better production, that would have been scary.

*Tess notices blood on the ground and follows the trail to the viewing room. A crying noise is heard. Tess: Jill are you ok?”

America: Oh its not Jill.

Wallstreet: There’s another feather.

*Blood trail leads to living room cabinet. Tess opens the door slowly to find Jill dead inside with her eyes sewn shut*

Warlock: Once again, that would have been scary with better production quality.

*Random police guy: Want to know how I know about you?”

America: No, I don’t.

*Random police guy goes on a monologue as yellow dress walks backwards again*

Warlock: Moonwalking again.

*Rigby sits with random guy and interrogates Tess in Tess’ living room*

Warlock: Shouldn’t they be doing this at the police station and not her damn living room?

*Rigby asks if the adult films were snuff films*

Warlock: I wish they’d snuff me.

*Random guy: A computer virus usually is distributed by attachments in email*

Warlock: Nooooooooo!

Wallstreet: Duh!

America: Really???

*Rigby is about to play the video “Watch Me” for random guy and Tess*

Wallstreet: You’re all gonna die.

*Tess phone goes off and she has to walk outside*

America: What a save.

Warlock: I have a bad feeling this is going to be worse than Dead Clowns.

America: I think you’re right.

*Tess walks back in the flat and both cops are gone with a shaking camera in the closet*

Warlock: If that was for effect, it didn’t work.

*Random guy walks into the flat and Tess asks where the cops are. He says she needs to get rest. He brought her sleeping pills. He tells her that she’s been up 36 hours straight*

America: That’s a pretty fair point.

*Dial up sound effects are heard as Tess tosses and turns on the couch*

Warlock: Don’t worry, AOL gave us all nightmares.

*Random guy watches “Watch Me” as Tess reveals Jill had the biggest crush on him*

Warlock: Its a bit late for the subplot.

America: Way to give his hopes up too.

Wallstreet: Welp, he’s gonna die.

*Tess takes a bath but with no nudity but yellow dress is in there with her*

Wallstreet: My theory is that she’s the women in the video.

Warlock: Spot on my friend.

*Yellow dress leaves the bath*

Warlock: That’ll ruin the dress.

America: Its not even wet, I don’t see a single water stain.

Wallstreet: She’s walking backwards again. Another tantalizing clue of this malarkey going on.

*Random guy walks down dark hallway*

Wallstreet: Its time to dieeeeeeee

America: So much for turtleneck.

*Random guy looks closer at electrical outlet and when he steps back you see yellow dress nearby*

Warlock: Once again, if this was edited better, that would have been scary.

Wallstreet: The story is ok, the budget is terrible.

*Jared puts his glasses down and they suddenly disappear. He walks around half blind until he reaches in the bathroom cabinet and puts a contact in*

Warlock: Thank god for contacts.

*Jared pulls red hair out of the bathtub*

Warlock: Was he fucking Wendy?

*A hand pops up and snatches Jared*

Warlock: Again, with a better budget, that would have been cool.

*Tess bends over to dry her hair, hears a noise and says “Jared?”

Warlock: Won’t even show her bent over clothed.

*Tess discovers Jared dead with his eyes sewn shut. The email is sent to Tess meaning she’ll be NEXT*

Warlock: Yeah……

*Tess calls the cops and they tell her that Rigby and Sanders are missing*

America: Oh yeah, that phone call didn’t sound incriminating.

*Tess calls Taku and then literally runs to his lair as her answering machine reveals her mom calling, saying her brother will be there tomorrow*

Warlock: Just another victim.

*Taku opens the door and lets Tess in, she wants booze but he only has water*

Warlock: You’d think the sleazebag would be delighted to give her booze.

*Tess asks Taku about “Watch Me” and he says its unexpected. He says its worth a lot of money and asks if she has it. She says yes. He pours her a glass of booze*

Warlock: See I knew it.

*Taku says “Watch Me” is sent through spam emails. He has no idea who made it but needs to see it to find out who directed it. He looks away as she types in her email password*

Warlock: What a gentleman.

*Tess tells Taku that Jill is dead and he freaks out. Tess tells him that a few people are dead. Taku says the reason he doesn’t own “Watch Me” is because its the rarest video known to man. He offers her 6 grand to buy the video, she says he’s fucked. He grabs her and says 8 grand. She calls him a fuckwit and refuses to sell out. He bashes her over the head*

America: What?

*Next frame shows Tess’ mouth taped shut with adhestive tape but has her eyes taped open with scotch tape. Taku says she shouldn’t have typed in her password*

Warlock: Worst heel turn ever.

*Taku puts on Watch Me for Tess to watch as he steps outside. He eats a bowl of noodles while she is forced to watch the video*

Warlock: Havin some chow!

*Taku pulls out a red hair from his bowl*

America: I saw that coming.

*Yellow dress crawls out from under Taku’s bed and dry land swims to her feet*

Warlock: Nice breaststroke.

*Yellow dress walks backwards, finally Warlock gets up and moonwalks complete with song*

Warlock: BEAT IT!!! BEAT IT!!! NO ONE WANTS TO BEAT IT, BEAT ITT!!!!

Wallstreet: Get a hold of yourself man!

*Yellow dress pops up in front of Tess, next frame shows Taku investigating Tess. He says “Tess?”

America: You taped her mouth shut, she can’t answer you idiot!

*Tess is still alive. He unties her and she stabs him in the hand with his chopstick*

America: I’m sorry but you had it coming. What the hell did you think was going to happen. You knocked her out, tied her up and put her in a situation where she was mostly likely going to die. You weren’t going to get an “Oh gee thanks!”

*Taku comes to and Tess is threatening to nuke his porn collection unless he talks. He claims he saw “Watch Me” with his friend and his friend died, but not him. Tess asks why he made her watch it. Taku claims that he wanted to stop the video from spreading so he wanted it to die with Tess. He said that now that she’s lived and seen the video like he did, there’s hope to stop it yet. She picks up a tape for insurance. They watch the film and she asks why she walks backwards*

Wallstreet: She’s a moonwalker.

*Taku makes a deal over the phone. He hacks into Detective Rigby’s email and Tess spots something. Claims they have to go now. Taku wants Tess to drive but she can’t, claims she hit a bicyclist*

Warlock and America: Hahahaha

*Taku says either grow some balls or drive, she drives.*

America: To be fair, she did fuck up his hand.

*Tess and Taku bangs on Sanders’ door. Taku asks if he’s seen “Watch Me”, he says yes. All of a sudden yellow dress appears and grabs his foot.*

America: He’s on his way to death!

*Yellow dress’ face appears and spooks Sanders*

Warlock: Helloooooooooo

*Sanders says he’s left his gun in the office. Tess says she’ll go after Sander and Taku has to disable the computer.*

Warlock: Sounds like a plan.

America: What do you really think?

Warlock: They’re dead meat.

*Loud alarm noise has Warlock, Wallstreet and America holding their ears. Its a tea kettle*

Warlock: Tea kettles don’t sound like that.

*Tess pours red hair and blood into the sink*

America: Blood and some hair, I wasn’t that far off.

*Tess grabs a knife*

Warlock: That’s really not going to help.

*Taku wanders around Sanders’ “office” until the tv screen turns blue and dial up noises are heard. Yellow dress is heard crying next to him. She makes a fist*

Warlock: What’s that?

Wallstreet: A fist!

*Warlock belts Wallstreet*

*Sanders gets a phone call, all he hears is the dial up static. He drops the phone. Next frame shows Tess wandering down the hallway slowly. She walks up the stairs. Taku notices a file being sent as Tess finds Sanders and gets him free. They run down the stairs and she literally pulls Sanders’ hand off. Sanders is dragged away as Tess calls out for Taku*

America: Now they definitely will think they did it.

*Yellow dress hums Marry Had A Little Lamb as she sews Sanders’ eyes shut.*

Warlock: Ok that was funny.

*Wallstreet thinks*

Wallstreet: Hey wait a minute, I know where I’ve seen something like this before.

Warlock: Where?

Wallstreet: The Ring. Pretty sure this movie is a ripoff.

Warlock: Have you ever seen The Ring, Mr. America?

America: No, have you?

Warlock: No.

Wallstreet: You should.

*Tess confronts Taku who sends her away as he grabs the computer hard drive and prepares to open it.*

Wallstreet; Don’t waste time man!

Warlock: His plan is to steal the hard drive and sell it.

*Taku smashes the hard drive with a hammer*

Warlock: Ok I was wrong.

*Taku walks upstairs and finds Tess in a bright red room*

America: What is this garbage?

*Tess and Taku discover a red room with the girl’s pictures everywhere. Tess says the girl was a film studies student. Wonder how Sanders knew her. Next frame is of the beach*

Warlock: So much for a chilling climax.

*Taku says her name is Sadie. He plays a cassette tape in his car where Sadie explains her love of film. Taku says he didn’t like “Watch Me” when he saw it. She says the reason they are alive is they didn’t like Watch Me.*

Warlock: That makes sense.

*Lars, Tess’ brother, walks into Tess’ flat and she’s not there.*

Warlock: Make yourself at home.

America: Yeah, enjoy your last moments.

*Lars discovers “Watch Me” dvd on Tess’ computer and he pops it in. He watches a second and says “cool”. End credits*

America: So THAT’S the big ending?

Warlock: Yup.

America: I feel like I’ve seen stronger endings.

America’s assessment: It had a fairly simple, straightforward story that didn’t go in circles like other movies. I give it a 3 out of 10. Sub-par acting and terrible production value take away from it.

Warlock’s assessment: BOOOOOOOOOORING. The budget was awful but they did their best. There wasn’t any mistakes like in Dorm of the Dead. If they had a budget, it would have been a good movie. The soundtrack was creepy, the premise was creepy, just wasn’t done right. I give it a 2 out of 10.

Wallstreet’s assessment: That was pretty bad, but it wasn’t the worst I’ve seen. I give it a 3 out of 10

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10, total crap.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was garbage. If the movie had a budget better than 20 bucks, it would have been decent. I could see where it was going with a lot of what went on, but the lack of budget killed it. It wasn’t the worst of all time, but it came pretty close. Well that about wraps…..

*Warlock gets an email on his computer nearby from the mysterious benefactor who sent the 8 pack horror movies. Wallstreet and America gather round to see what it is.*

Wallstreet: What is that?

Warlock: It says…”Watch Me”

*The trio looks at each other and Warlock moves the mouse over to click on the file….*

Warlock: Nahhhhh

America: Uh-uh.

*Warlock deletes the email as Wallstreet and America walk away*

Wallstreet: Gonna pass on that one.

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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