31. A Cab For 3 (2001)

A Cab For 3

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing an Addidas New England Patriots number 12 Tom Brady jersey, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades, he’s speaking into a cell phone*

The Warlock: That’s right, I bet anything the Patriots win the Superbowl this year…..That’s right, if they don’t, I’ll do any movie you want.

*Warlock looks up and shuts the phone off*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock doesn’t bother with any tricks, he walks inside. Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing a Nike New England Patriots number 87 Rob Gronkowski jersey, blue jeans, black shoes and aviator shades*

Mr. America: Game’s not for a while, what are we going to do?

Warlock: A movie.

Mr. America: Where’s Wallstreet?

Warlock: In traffic, he’ll be here for the start of the game.

Mr. America: Wonderful, what’s the movie?

Warlock: Tonight’s inconvenience is A Cab For 3, a Spanish movie about crooked taxi services

Mr. America: Spanish? Why the hell are we watching a Spanish movie?

Warlock: Its not the movie I wanted.

Mr. America: You’re an idiot.

*Warlock takes his seat on the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this started with A Cab For 3

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: ” A taxi driver is given a difficult choice from 2 small time crooks: drive them around while they rob, or get locked up in the trunk..”

America: Huh???

*opening frame has a cat sniffing around*

Warlock: Reowwwwww

*Taxi dies in the middle of the street*

Warlock: American car.

*Ulises hits the engine with a hammer*

America: Oldest trick in the book, hit it with a hammer.

*Coto and Chavello commandeer the cab with the Ulises in it*

Warlock: At least in GTA they throw the driver out.

*Graphic reads A Cab For 3*

America: There’s four seats. You’re maximizing your profit!

*Coto and Chavello demand Ulises to slow down to check out some Hermosa*

Warlock: Muy caliente!

*Coto gets out and mugs the lady for her purse. Ulises gets angry*

America: At this point all you can hope to do is make sure they change their underwear.

*Ulises speeds and swerves to scare the daylights out of Coto and Chavello*

Warlock: Reckless driving, that’ll show em.

*Chavello: You’re a cab driver, you think you’re a bus driver?”

Warlock: No he’s a plumber.

*Police are on their way*

America: Don’t look at the pushcart of fruit, that’s not going to help.

*Coto and Chavelo sing at Ulises*

Warlock: What the hell are they doing?

America: Not a clue.

*Ulises cuts the cholo’s partner with a knife*

Warlock: Should have cut the cholo’s while he was at it.

*A lady walks by the cab*

America: Just walk right by, don’t stop.

*Ulises gets out and talks to partner*

America: We’ve gone very quickly from “I’m being mugged” to “I’m working with them.”

*Cholos walk away, partner and Ulises grab a bite to eat. A gun shot rings out. The two run back to the car with the 2 cholo’s on the run from someone shooting at them. They hop in the car, Ulises drives away with the chili burger in his mouth*

America: I have no sympathy for this guy. I don’t care if he dies or goes to jail.

Warlock: You know its not a good thing if we don’t care about the characters.

*Chavelo kicks partner out of the car and the partner takes a bite of food*

America: Oh thank god he still has his sandwich, I was afraid he’d go hungry.

*Cholo pulls a knife on Ulises but he’s got a knife on Coto. Demands he pay the partner 450 dollars. They do.*

Warlock: A man of the people…still have no clue what the hell is going on.

*Ulises is having dinner with his family, he is very stressed*

Warlock: Papi didn’t have a good day.

*Ulises tells his story at the taco stand the next day*

America: Shouldn’t this movie be over by now? The ride is over.

*Ulises runs past a bus*

Warlock: Outta de way pendejo!

*Officer Padilla confronts Ulises about his cab. Ulises says nooooo can’t be the bad guy*

Warlock: Oh yeah that’ll work.

*Padilla confronts the sandwhich shop lady, she claims she’s never seen him before. Padilla is pissed and orders a sandwhich*

Warlock: When all else fails, order a sandwhich.

America: No…..

*Lady is convinced her teeth are crooked, show’s Ulises*

Warlock: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

*Ulises drives up to Coto and Chavelo*

Warlock: This is starting to look like the video game Mafia.

*Chavelo: Did you miss us?”

Warlock: Yeah, like a root canal.

*Chavelo and Coto demand Ulises work for them again as their driver. Ulises reluctantly agrees*

Warlock: Drive or trunk?

America: Duh….can I just fall on a knife?

*Ulises tries to teach Chavelo to write a random letter*

Warlock: He can’t even get that right.

America: You had ONE job!

*Chavelo and Coto drive past upscale neighborhood*

America: For starters, that area looks much more developed. If they do anything the cops are going to have a much better response time. They’re going to have a lot more trouble than in the ghetto.

Warlock: Dat’s de barrio mang!

America: Whatever.

*Coto runs out with stolen goods and hops in the cab*

Warlock: You better run!

America: You better run for your life!

*Chavelo realizes there was a hole in Coto’s bag, they stole nothing*

Warlock: Once again…

America: YOU HAD ONE JOB COTO!

*Guy “paints” a billboard*

America: Do you even know how to paint dude?

*Coto tries to steal stuff from some lady, she resists. Ends up taking a box of pencils*

Warlock: This guy’s the worst burglar I’ve ever seen.

*Ulises teaches Coto to drive in a dusty field next to an airport*

America: Not that bad of an airport if you’re flying 7-3’s in there.

*Chavelo, Ulises and Coto ride the cups in an amusement park*

America: Aren’t they supposed to be robbing people?

Warlock: Yeah, they’re taking a break.

America: Quit slacking!

*Ulises pukes after the ride*

America: He beat the girl to the punch.

Warlock: That’s how I feel watching this movie.

*Dinner at the Ulises house has him once again stressed and despondent*

Warlock: He’s wondering why the hell did he do this movie?

*Chavelo shows up at Ulises house and Ulises tells his wife he has to leave*

America: The wife knows something is afoot.

*Chavelo lights up a cigarette*

America: I don’t know what’s more important, people smoking or people taking a piss?

*Ulises visits Coto in the hideout*

Warlock: Is he dying or something?

America: I don’t know.

*Ulises cheats on his wife with the sandwhich shop lady*

Warlock: So he’s a cheater and a crook.

*Ulises tells his crime story to her using stuffed animals as props*

America: Horrible puppet show.

*Ulises gives her the pen Coto stole as a gift*

Warlock: Cheap bastard.

*Padilla listens to Cartera and Ulises in bed*

Warlock: So did they bug the house or is she working for him?

America: I give up.

*Ulises’ wife said she and Padilla talked*

Warlock: Uh oh, he’s in trouble.

*Chavelo shares bonding moments with Ulises*

Warlock: Can someone die already? Hopefully it’ll be me first..ugh.

*Ulises says he’s lacked money all his life and this is his chance to make some*

Warlock: Hard to root for this guy.

*Coto makes a bet on a horse race on the horse named Coto. Chavelo asks where the hell he went and walks inside after him*

America: Better go get your friend before he does something stupid.

*Outside, Ulises can’t get the cab started as Coto wins the race and Chavelo fires a gun in the air*

Warlock: They didn’t even try to rob anything.

*Cops identify the cab as Ulises drives off with Chavelo and Coto yelling at each other*

Warlock: Its like the Spanish 3 stooges.

*Cartera and Ulises climb into bed as Padilla and Mustache listen in*

America: Are they going to tell us who mustache is over there?

Warlock: Nah he’s just an extra.

*Ulises drives up to Padilla and Romero. They question him.*

America: Wonderful, mustache has a name, its Romero.

*Padilla signs a number with the pen Ulises gave to Cartera*

Warlock: Well that answers the question of who she’s working for.

*Back home, Ulises and his wife celebrate their anniversary until Coto and Chavelo show up*

Warlock: Party crashers.

*Chavelo: We’re lousy muggers”

Warlock: No kidding.

*Ulises lets Chavelo and Coto crash at his place*

America: Good luck explaining this to his wife.

*Ulises wakes up to Chavelo and his wife cooking. She takes him outside and he confesses what’s going on*

Warlock: Divorce court is on its way.

*Wife gives Ulises her blessing and he drives away. Next frame the wife (Nelly) reveals Chavelo and Coto have helped fix up the house and brought a bunch of stuff over*

America: HE bought all that stuff?

Warlock: Who said anything about buying it?

*Ulises daughter and Coto start some g rated flirting*

Warlock: Wonderful, I see where this is going.

*Coto admits he can’t read*

Warlock: No bueno.

*Radio says Umass is doing some experiments*

Warlock: That’s unexpected.

*Nelly and Chavelo bond outside so Ulises goes to bang Cartela. All of a sudden Padilla and Romero show up, demand the money the others stole or they blackmail Ulises*

Warlock: Crooked cops….like they came any other way?

*Nelly casually mentions Padilla called. Chavelo freaks out and waits for Nelly to leave before pulling a knife on Ulises*

Warlock: He can’t do anything right. Pisses off the cops AND the robbers.

*Someone leaves a note on Ulises’s cab with a rapid fire church organ playing*

America: Inagaddadavidahoneydontchaknowthatioveyouuuuu

*Next frame shows Coto and Chavelo returning to the Ulises residence. They share bonding moments must to Ulises’ dismay. Next frame shows Ulises returning home to Chavelo and Coto hiring a mariachi band to sing to them*

Warlock: Check the guitar cases for guns.

America: He’s so mad he’s taking his shirt off.

*Ulises bitches that Chavelo was holding Nelly close*

America: Says the guy cheating on her.

Warlock: I can’t feel sorry for him at all.

*Ulises eats a sandwhich while sitting on the cab*

Warlock: How many times has he eaten something during the course of the movie?

*Ulises puls up to Cartena who reveals Padilla shot down her sandwhich shop. He gives her a hug*

Warlock: Don’t worry mistress, this will be over soon.

*Chavelo praises the lord for Ulises’ effect on Coto*

Warlock: Hallelujah….

*Coto and Ulises daughter kiss*

Warlock: Well this just got even weirder.

America: Excuse me I’ll be counting sheep.

*Ulises catches them making out and freaks out*

Warlock: Ain’t gonna swing with my daughter no moreeeeee

*Chavelo and Coto rob something and then run into the cab. Chavelo shoots a security guy as Ulises drives off*

Warlock: Now they’re in deep doo-doo.

*Chavelo enters Ulises’ room and apologizes for the screw up. Ulises tells him the guard that he shot died. The next morning the mariachi band teaches one of Ulises’s sons to play*

Warlock: Not exactly Cumbaya

*Ulises quietly removes all the stuff Chavelo and Coto brought to his house. Chavelo has the son hide some of the things*

Warlock: I still don’t know what’s going on.

America: I give up.

*Chavelo and Coto run inside a store as Ulises drives around*

Warlock: Are they robbing a Jiffy Lube?

America: Let’s see.

*Chavelo and Coto run out and Ulises runs them over. He’s interviewed on TV and he reveals they were assaulting and harassing him for weeks. The media labels him a hero as his family watches on TV shocked. End credits*

Warlock: Wait, that’s it? No Padilla? No Cartera? What kind of ending was that?

America: A bad one.

Warlock’s assessment: That sucked.

America’s assessment: I’ve seen better.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was a waste of time. Not only did I get the wrong movie, it wasn’t even that good to boot. Hopefully next time we’ll watch the right one. Right?

*Mr. America is sound asleep*

Warlock: My sentiments exactly. Have a pleasant evening.

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