*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing blue jeans, white sneakers a black t-shirt, leather jacket and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a can of Barq’s root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock does a jumping spin kick before entering the lair*
Warlock: Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet couldn’t be here today but Neyzor Blades is. Say hello to the masses.
*Neyzs is in the recliner wearing light blue pj bottoms and a dark green night shirt*
Warlock: Wonderful. Tonight’s big brawl is called Deathfight…or Rage depending on which box you have. Released in 1994, it stars Richard Norton in this brother vs brother encounter.
Neyz: Just great, Double Dragon ripoff.
*Warlock takes his seat on the couch*
Warlock: Good analogy. Anyway, lets watch Deathfight.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Jack Dameron, the adopted son of a great Asian trading family lives the perfect life and his star is quickly rising in the family business”
Neyz: Sounds stupid if you ask me.
Neyz: I don’t recognize anyone.
Warlock: Me neither, that’s not a good sign
*graphic: Bangkok 1965*
Warlock: Ninetine sixty….
Neyz: Fiveeeeeee yeah!
*5 year old Jack Dameron’s family is gunned down by hoodlums in a mask outside their mansion*
Warlock: If only he had another brother this would be a nice Double Impact ripoff
Neyz: I thought he did have another brother.
*Jack and Chiang do battle in front of the father*
Neyz: Why is this dude making kids fight?
Warlock: How about a dog fight instead?
Neyz: How about no?
*Bangkok: Present Day*
Warlock: Jack now looks like Roddy Piper and Patrick Swayze combined.
*Sarah tells Jack she’s the first foreign lawyer in Thailand*
Warlock: Vincent Gambini respectfully declined.
*Sarah and Jack snuggle a bit before Sarah drives off*
Warlock: Mush mush.
*Jack and Father have a chat with a goat nearby*
Warlock: The goat is line for best supporting actor.
*Father tells Jack he’s thinking of retiring and wants Jack to take over the family business*
Warlock: Watch out for Fredo.
Neyz: Wrong movie.
*Jack sits in his office with a suit and tie on*
Warlock: Are they going to explain anything?
*Noi lets Jack know the itinerary for that night when Chiang walks in*
Warlock: Here we go…the seed is planted.
*Jack visits a half naked Noi at her pagoda*
Warlock: Hanky panky with the secretary? Say it ain’t so!
*Jack leaves with no hanky panky*
Warlock: Faithful after all.
*Next frame shows I-Ron fighting some random guy*
Warlock: Once again they’re not explaining anything.
*I-Ron does the worm while the other fighter looks on confused and the patrons in the crowd cheer*
Warlock: Not exactly the Kumite.
*Chiang shows up to conduct business at the bar. I-Ron manhandles his opponent. Chiang takes his partner to the back where he shows him a bunch of guns*
Warlock: He’s a gun runner, wonderful.
*I-Ron puts opponent into an armbar*
Warlock: Where’s Monsoon and Heenan for commentary?
*I-Ron snaps opponents neck and shakes hands with Chiang*
Warlock: Flawless victory!
*Chiang and I-Ron check out girls in bikinis in a pool*
Warlock: I’ll take the one on the left, you take the one on the right
Neyz: My bird has better tailfeathers than them.
*Chiang wants to buy the services of I-Ron to make him the most powerful fighter in the world*
Neyz: He’s going to fight Jack isn’t he?
*Jack and Sarah share bonding moments over campaign*
Neyz: This movie is like…dumb.
*Chiang and I-Ron are on an outside party when Manson shows up*
Neyz: Oh look, the kid from Hocus Pocus made it out of the cage and grew up.
Warlock: Hardly….this movie was released a year later.
*Manson introduces a shoot boxer and as the patrons go to check it out, the next frame goes to Sarah and Jack having pg-13 sex*
Warlock: This movie has no continuity.
Neyz: Key finger placement.
*Jack says he doesn’t want kids*
Neyz: He’s like 50!
Warlock: 44….close enough.
*Next frame shows Shoot Boxer fighting Chiang’s limo driver. Boxer gets him in a bearhug but Driver rakes the eyes. Driver then snaps his neck*
Warlock: So much for the shoot boxer.
Neyz: That was pathetic.
*Manson goes to fight Driver. Driver kicks the crap out of him too. Chiang: Shoot boxing? More like shit boxing!”
Warlock: Hahahaha the one funny line so far.
*Manson gets a second wind and beats up limo driver. Chiang calls Driver a worthless piece of shit and slaps him*
Warlock: Better than the shit boxer.
*Business partner says Chiang’s brother will be a problem. Chiang says not to worry. Next frame shows Noi freaking out and asking Jack to come over. If he’s not over in 15 minutes she’ll tell his wife everything. Long range shot shows I-Ron standing next to her.*
Warlock: So he IS getting nook on the side.
Neyz: What an asshole. Hope I-Ron pulverizes him.
*Jack walks in Noi’s pagoda, she’s dead. Cops run in and arrest him for murder*
Warlock: Chiang set him up….BRILLIANT!
*Jack does shirtless push ups in a jail cell*
Neyz: Lex Luger style.
*Jack’s lawyer is Sarah. She’s very upset at the fact he lied to her*
Neyz: Yeah, kick him in the balls.
Warlock: As a babyface, he sucks.
*Sarah: Tell me everything*
Neyz: This acting sucks.
*Sarah: Did you fuck her? Jack: Yeah”
Warlock: Under arrest for murder and now headed to divorce court.
*Next frame shows limo pulling up with Chiang talking to his partner Jurgen. Jurgen has top secret information and Chiang is excited.*
Neyz: What does he have, a magic book?
*Chiang confronts his father with the top secret information. Chiang calls him a stubborn, stupid old man*
Warlock: Yeah, that’ll win you the family business.
*Next frame shows Jack in prison eating lunch by himself when a fight breaks out between two other inmates. Other inmates join in and beat up the guy. Jack then joins in and beats up the 3 hecklers singlehandedly. He wipes out a 4th inmate just because he can. The rest of the inmates clap as Jack helps Wiley up*
Warlock: Wonderful…bravo! outstanding!
*Sarah drives to see Father and they share bonding moments. Sarah reveals she’s pregnant and Jack doesn’t know. Next frame shows her going to see Jack in prison…with release papers. Jack is playing cards with Wiley. Wiley tells him to check out The Body Machine, the best bar in town. Jack is bailed out by Sarah and they have a tense moment in the car when she says he’s ordered by court to stay at his father’s house. Jack sees right through it and knows he’s kicking him out of the house.*
Warlock: Hard to feel sorry for him, seriously.
*Jack just gets in his car and drives to the office. Chiang has taken over the company as chairman. Jack asks what kind of illegal activity he’s up to. Limo Driver stands in the doorway. Chiang “You spent your whole life in Asia yet you understand nothing!”
Warlock: Absolutely nothing.
*Jack leaves and Chiang tells Driver to keep an eye on him*
Warlock: Are you going to follow him into the can? Jesus…
*Jack confronts his father who says the board of directors ok’d the change. Jack says there’s something else going on and he intends to find out.*
Neyz: Something rotten for sure.
*Jack has flashbacks of fucking Noi several times*
Warlock: And we’re supposed to be ok with this?
*Jack drives by the Polynesian Paradise. He walks into The Body Machine where girls in thongs grind on each other*
Warlock: This is not the worst movie of all time now.
Neyz: You’re sick.
*A random patron shoves money into a stripper’s thong*
Warlock: Can I do that?
Neyz: I will knock you out.
*Jack is looking for Wiley, Wiley shows up.*
Warlock: How did he make bail too?
Neyz: Its only a movie.
*A patron confronts Jack about murdering Noi. The bartender says to take it outside, yet Jack wipes the whole place out inside*
Warlock: He doesn’t take instruction well.
*Marquee says “The Body Machine: Seductive Solo Performances”
Warlock: I saw a lot of girl on girl grinding, hardly solo.
*Wiley and Jack jump in a car and drive off, chased by Driver*
Warlock: Oh boy a chase scene!
*Driver shoots at Jack, Jack unloads the spare tire and the car swerves*
Warlock: That didn’t work.
*Driver’s driver runs someone over as the chase goes through a crowded street*
Warlock: And they say Jack is the bad guy?
*Driver crashes into a malt shop, kicks the chair*
Warlock: RIP chair.
*Next frame shows Jack sleeping in the back of Wiley’s truck with a snake name Grace crawling on him*
Warlock: Dr. Jones would be halfway down main street running for his life.
*Wiley introduces Jack to Mai, his girlfriend*
Neyz: Is he gonna fuck her too?
*Wiley and Jack share bonding moments*
Warlock: At least they’re attempting character development.
*Jack confronts Manson. Manson says he won’t talk unless paid. Jack throws him into the dojo Manson runs.*
Warlock: Its go time!
*Jack beats the crap out of Manson in a one on one fight. Manson squeals that I-Ron killed Noi, tells Jack where to find him.*
Warlock: He let him live, that’s a mistake.
*Jack returns home and Sarah yells at him. Jack won’t listen to her. Kisses her and walks out. Sarah runs to find Father as Jack searches for I-Ron with a gun*
Warlock: HE’S GOT A GUN!!!!!
*I-Ron sneaks up from behind and kicks the gun out. Jack asks why he killed Noi. He says he was under orders from Master Chiang. One on one fight develops*
Warlock: He threw salt in his eyes, I love it!
*Jack fights with a wooden stick, I-Ron with a large dagger. Both spin their weapons around*
Warlock: Impressive display, now finish this.
*Jack catches I-Ron trying to run away, has his leg suspended in the air*
Neyz: Kick him in the balls!
*Jack snaps I-Ron’s arm then his ribs. Spinkicks him a few times*
Warlock: Finish him!
*Jack leads I-Ron downstairs where Driver and Chiang drive by and shoot I-Ron aiming for Jack. I-Ron has last second thoughts and tells Jack to go protect his wife before dying*
Neyz: A little late for a fact turn.
Warlock: *faking death* ehhhhhhhhhhh
*Jack runs to Wiley looking for Chiang’s place. Wiley says he’ll help him but Mai cries knowing he won’t be back. Wiley and Jack head for Chiang’s palace*
Warlock: Time for the final battle.
Neyz: Thank god.
*Wiley pulls out a grenade*
Warlock: That’ll help.
*Chiang has Sarah kidnapped. She tries to reason saying he has everything, no need to mess with Jack anymore. Chiang says not everything and goes to molest Sarah. All of a sudden Wiley and Jack show up and shoot the place up including Chiang’s bodyguards. Sarah runs away with Driver in hot pursuit. Jack and Wiley storm the palace and take out the remaining guards with grenades and neck snaps*
Warlock: Is Wiley’s car bulletproof? Jesus….
*Wiley pulls out a bazooka*
Neyz: Where did he get all this crap?
Warlock: He’s an ex-marine.
*Wiley blows away half the mansion with the bazooka*
Warlock: How did he know Sarah and Jack weren’t in there?
*Sarah knocks gun from Driver’s hand. Jack shows up for one on one fight*
Neyz: She missed…..
*Jack beats the crap out of Driver and snaps his neck. Wiley rigs the car to blow as Chiang confronts Jack. Chiang beats up Sarah and one on one fight with Jack is on. The Final Battle*
Warlock: Finally, the finale.
Neyz: I see what you did there.
*Jack beats the crap out of Chiang and goes to kill him but Sarah stops him. Chiang reaches for the gun and Father stops him. Father reveals he had Jack’s parents killed all those years ago because the business was a front for an opium den. Father begs for mercy and Chiang kills him. Jack kicks the gun out of Chiang’s hand as the police show up*
Warlock: Wonderful, now they’ll shoot Jack.
*Police run in and arrest Chiang, say Jack has nothing to worry about because Mai made a statement. Mai is there saying Chiang raped him as Wiley makes it over and hugs her*
Warlock: Mai saved the day.
*Sarah tells Jack she’s pregnant and they hug as the credits roll*
Warlock: She just got pistol whipped in the stomach, I don’t think the baby is going to make it
Neyz: Who cares, the movie’s over.
Neyzor Blades assessment: That was pure crap
Warlock: I give it a 4.5 out of 10….not the worst but nothing good either.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that wraps up Deathfight. They tried to rip off about 5 different movies and it came out a jumbled mess. Its not worth paying good money for but if you can find it on TV or for cheap, have at it. That concludes another crap-tastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.
*This commentary is dedicated to the memory of James “J-Magic” Dean*