29. Conan The Destroyer (1984)

Conan

*The Warlock is in his lair listening to Skid Row’s Riot Act as he plasters over a hole in the wall put there by the recent incident with the Demonic Toys. He wipes sweat from his brow and puts down his tools. He’s wearing a black wife-beater, blue jeans and white sneakers*

The Warlock: Thanks for the help.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing gray pants, gray wifebeater and white socks*

Neyz: No problem, you missed a spot.

Warlock: You get it.

Neyz: No *turns her nose to the air*.

Warlock: Big help.

Neyz: What are we watching anyway?

Warlock: Well I was going to put on The Proposal….

Neyz: Yayyyyyy.

Warlock:…..but since you didn’t help, it’ll be CONAN THE LIBRARIAN!!!!

Neyz: Oh god no, not again!

Warlock: Well not exactly. This time it’s the sequel Conan The Destroyer.

Neyz: You suck.

*Warlock takes his seat on the couch and turns to the camera*

Warlock: So without wasting any time, let’s put on Conan The Destroyer

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess”

Neyz: I thought they already rescued a princess.

Warlock: Guess they’re getting greedy.

*opening monologue is once again voiced by Mako. Opening credits has Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain and Olivia D’abo*

Warlock: Great cast.

*The raiders have Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) in the raiding party*

Warlock: If only they had Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

*Conan sits with Malak and ponders*

Warlock: Not bad for 37 years old.

Neyz: 37??? He looks 22.

*Malak and Conan are cornered by the raiders. Malak hides under a stone table*

Warlock: Heart of a lion that one.

*Conan fights off raiders by himself as Malak checks out his stones. Conan says they’re here to capture them. Malak gets spooked and jumps on one of the raiders, stabbing him with tiny daggers*

Warlock: Least he’s not totally useless.

*Conan slices up one raider and knocks a horse out with a roundhouse punch*

Neyz: I don’t wanna see that.

*Malak is stuck under a dead raider, cries out for help*

Warlock: Not totally useless but close to.

*Conan fights off raiders but Malak is captured. The lead raider unmasks and reveals herself to be Queen Taramis*

Neyz: Yay for women power.

*Taramis asks for help and Conan refuses. Taramis says she’ll give him anything if he helps her. Conan imagines Valeria and says what he wants is to bring Valeria back. Taramis says if he helps her, she’ll make it happen.*

Warlock: What a fool.

*Conan and Malak ride with Taramis, Bombaata and other to Taramis’ mountain lair….with power lines in the background*

Warlock: Conan’s got to be sick of mountains right now.

Neyz: Nice shoddy editing, you can see the modern day power lines in the background.

*Conan gets a hero’s welcome and rides past the camel he punched in the first movie. Conan apologizes but camel spits on him. Conan punches him again*

Neyz: This is too much animal cruelty.

Warlock: Oh for Pete’s sake he didn’t ACTUALLY hit the camel.

*Malak waves to the cheering masses as Conan tries to clean himself up. Once inside the palace Taramis dismounts and bows to her wizard. Next frame shows Taramis and Conan sharing a drink. Taramis tells Conan that her niece Jehnna will be joining him on his quest. His mission is to retrieve a key from a wizard named Toth-Amon. All of a sudden Jehnna screams and Bombaata rushes to her aid before Taramis comforts her. Taramis tells Bombaata that he’ll be joining Conan and Malak. Not because they need help, but more to make sure Jehnna makes it out of there alive.*

Warlock: Yeah Wilt, make sure Karen Arnold is alright.

*Taramis says Jehnna needs to be brought back alive so she can be sacrificed. Tells Bombaata to kill Conan once the key is safely in Jehnna’s hands*

Warlock: A rotten plot…I knew it.

*Jehnna is riding with Bombaata, asks if he’s handsome. Bombaata looks at his horse and says “Very ugly.” Jehnna “Not that, Conan!:

Warlock: Haaaahahahahahaha.

*Jehnna’s riding party includes Conan, Malak and Bombaata. Jehnna orders Conan to go one way and he refuses. Says if they’re going to fight magic, they’ll need magic. They stumble upon Wizard about to be roasted over an open fire. Conan saves the day by decapitating the cannibals. Malak unties Wizard and says “We just saved those savages from a terrible stomach ache.”

Warlock: Hahahahaha.

Neyz: Nahhhh

Warlock: I love how Chamberlain did nothing.

*Conan: I need you.  Wizard: I’m yours*

Neyz: Well that was easy.

*Conan asks what the key is for. Jehnna says its actually a jewel that can only be worn by her.*

Warlock: How is Conan not suspicious yet?

*Wizard: If you see anything you like…try not to take it. Malak: I know when to steal and when not to*

Neyz: Ha!

*Zula is fighting off angry townsfolk by herself. Jehnna “Save her!”  Bombaata “Thieves should be hanged!”

Warlock: Wow Wilt, won’t help save Wizard, won’t save Zula, no wonder Bill Russell had his way with you!

*Conan rides up to Zula and frees her. She resumes fighting off the townsfolk. Wilt scoffs as Conan bashes two guys heads together. Jehnna’s riding party takes off as Zula beats up people and nails a few dudes in the nuts*

Warlock: She’s a slave to the rhythm no more.

Neyz: Yeah, kick some ass.

*Zula gets on her horse and spits at the hecklers. She rides away screaming. Meanwhile Conan’s party waits for her arrival. Bombaata tells the others to wait and he rides off by himself. He tells Zula to beat it and she rides away…only to turn around and joust Bombaata off his horse. They fight until Conan tells them to stop. Zula says she’ll give her life for Conan and he smiles*

Warlock: A real hero.

*Jehnna’s party pulls up to the Ice Palace where Toth-Amon resides. He looks into his crystal and sees them coming. Toth-Amon: “Bring her to me”

Warlock: Ruh-roh!

*Jehnna wants to attack now, Conan says wait until morning. Malak agrees with Conan. During the night Toth-Amon turns into an animated falcon*

Warlock: CGI must not have been invented yet.

*Falcon carries Jehnna back to the palace while everyone else is passed out.*

Warlock: That is just awful security.

*Toth-Amon tells Jehnna to sleep because in the morning she’ll be the first in a thousand years. Meanwhile the crew wakes up and notices Jehnna is gone. Wizard says she’s been taken to the palace. Conan says get to the boat*

Warlock: No chopper this time.

*Malak tries to chicken out and Conan won’t let him. Toth-Amon says they’re too late but come anyway*

Warlock: To quote my grandfather, whatttt a phonyyyyy!

*Wizard says the only way in is under the water. Conan is the first to dive in followed by the rest.*

Warlock: Havin a swim!

*Conan’s gang has to mount about 17 flights of stairs*

Warlock: Ghostbusters would be proud.

*Malak falls down the stairs but Wizard grabs him in time*

Neyz: Clumsy fool.

*Conan makes his way to the key’s chamber but the rest are locked out by a silent glass panel. The curtains in the room close and Wizard can’t get the door open. Malak: “Fine magician you are, go back to juggling apples.”

Warlock: Neyz can you juggle?

Neyz: No.

*Druids in red enter the chamber then band together to form the Man Ape. Man Ape puts Conan in a sleeper hold*

Warlock: Roddy Piper would approve.

*Man Ape puts Conan in a  wrestling hold called the surfboard before scoop slamming him*

Warlock: THE FOLLOWING CONTEST, SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL IS FOR THE DIAMOND KEY. INTRODUCING THE MAN APE AND HIS OPPONENT CONAN THE BARRRRRRRRRRBARIANNNNNNNNNNN!!!

Neyz: Is that a real wrestler?

Warlock: Yes, that’s Bomber Roach, legend in British wrestling.

*Man Ape puts Conan in the giant swing and heaves him around the room. Conan tries to cut him with the master sword but it has no effect. Conan accidentally plunges his sword into one of the mirrors and Man Ape cries out in pain. Conan realizes the mirrors are the key to the magic so he starts smashing them until Man Ape puts him in a bear hug*

Warlock: Conan rallies with some mirror smashes but ohhhhh no, he gets caught in a bear hug. Will he be able to get out? The crowd’s going wild!

Neyz: Hardly….

*Conan tries his own bear hug but Man Ape counters with an overhead backbreaker. Conan escapes by continuing to smash mirrors. He then throws his sword like a spear through one of the remaining mirrors and it impales Toth-Amon. He staggers into the room, uses a spell to join with the key and disappears. Jehnna screams out for Bombaata as he smashes his way into the room and into her chamber.*

Warlock: HERE IS YOUR WINNER….CONANNNN THE BARRRRRBARIAANNNNNNNN!!!!

*Jehnna picks up the diamond key and Bombaats swiftly puts it in a brown bag. Right on cue the palace begins to crumble*

Warlock: Right out of Son of Kong.

*Everyone makes it to the boat and Conan “paddles” to safety with really bad editing*

Warlock: They’re not even on water. That’s shoddy editing.

*While riding back to the castle, Taramis’ raiders attack. Jehnna is is kidnapped while Zula takes off, only to be tackled by Bombaata. Malak kills one of the raiders while Zula impales another. The guy who kidnapped Jehnna puts her down to have a joust with Conan. They tackle each other off their horses and have a one on one sword fight. Conan wins the fight but is attacked by Bombaata. Jehnna tells him to stop. Bombaata says he thought Conan would hurt her but Conan is no fool. He asks why the queen’s guards attacked them and Bombaata answers it wasn’t the queen’s order. Conan doesn’t buy it*

Neyz: Ehhhh…I smell a rat!

*Malak tries to rub Zula’s leg and she threatens to cut his head off*

Neyz: I don’t see her face, only her eyes.

*Conan tells Jehnna that he was promised a kingdom and would take Valeria as his queen. An intoxicated Conan says Valeria is like Zula only different looking. Jehnna subtlety implies she wants to be his queen and he says not on your life. Conan says he must get up only to pass out.*

Warlock: He’s not queen my drunk!

*Jehnna and Zula share a bonding moment. Zula tries to teach her how to fight with her wooden stick but Conan wakes up and says he’ll teach her with his sword, not her “toothpick”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha

*Jehnna nearly wipes out Malak with the sword as Conan knocks himself out running into Bombaata*

Warlock: Now would have been a good time to kill him.

*Jehnna asks Zula how to attract a man. She screams to reach out and grab him. Jehnna is confused, she asks Malak what that means. Malak tries to subtlety explain sex but can’t.*

Neyz: I can’t handle it.

*Jehnna leads the party through a cave on foot since the horses can’t fit. They make their way to a rock palace which includes another cave. Wizard magically makes the torch lit for them to see. Zula freaks out at the sight of a mouse. Conan, Bombaata and Malak shake their heads*

Warlock *Shaking his head*

Neyz: Awwww its a little rattttttt

*Conan and Bombaata team up to lift a wall*

Warlock: In real life Chamberlain was a real strong SOB, not many NBA centers would mess with him.

*Malak rushes into the room and puts the lock on the door so everyone can enter. Malak swipes a jewel off the ceiling and swallows it. Wizard reads some hieroglyphics that a virgin with a mark on her can open the door with the key. Right on cue Jehnna goes to put the key in. Wizard keeps reading and discovers that if she proceeds, Jehnna will be sacrificed.*

Warlock: The plot revealed!

*Wizard tries to stop the proceedings but Conan stops him. Jehnna literally walks through fire and picks up the sacred horn which eliminates most of the fire. Bombaata puts the horn in his bag as Conan is excited that he may get Valeria back despite Wizard warning him that Jehnna will be killed. Conan orders everyone out of the room where they are surrounded by Grand Vizier’s men. Wizard tries to talk him out of awakening the evil god despite Vizier’s claim they can control it. Conan starts a brawl where the crew retreats to the crypt. Conan and Bombaata fight off Vizier’s men until Conan orders Bombaata into the crypt. Bombaata hits the door lock and Conan barely makes it underneath in time. Vizier tries to open the door with magic*

Neyz: What kind of hand gestures are those?

*Vizier gets the door open and Conan’s crew retreats into the crypt after Jehnna takes the key. Conan says the wizard is the leader*

Neyz: Someone is very, VERRRRY angry!

*Vizier opens the crypt and Conan says he’s forcing the door open. Malak: Well stop him, kill him or something. Conan says he doesn’t have knife. Malak says its bad look to kill a wizard. Wizard stops Vizier with his own magic*

Neyz: Great, more hand gestures.

*Conan’s crew makes its way through a cave with lit torches. Bombaata notices Conan and his crew are far behind so he causes a cave in to trap them. Bombaata finds a hole in the wall to escape from and leads Jehnna through it. Tells her to get on a horse and go. Eventually Conan’s crew makes it through to the outside*

Warlock Not even gonna explain that?

*Once outside Conan figures out what’s going on. Taramis’ plot was to have Jehnna steal the horn and for the guards to kill Conan so Bombaata can get her safely to the queen with no witnesses. Conan realizes Taramis’ promise to bring back Valeria was just a lie to get him to help get the horn. Conan says he’s going after Jehnna and Zuls says she wants in. Wizard also agrees to go but Malak is hesitant. Malak protests and says behind until he hears Vizier’s men coming and decides to take off after them.*

Warlock: A true thief.

*Back at Queen’s Palace, Jehnna pulls out the horn and brings it to Taramis. Conan’s crew pulls up and Conan says going in the front door wouldn’t be wise. Malak reveals there’s a hidden entrance in the waterfall. Taramis spikes Jehnna’s drink and says its her birthday, drink up.*

Warlock: Spiked drinks on birthdays, never fails.

*Conan’s crew navigates the waterfall as the ceremony begins. Conan rips through iron bars as the three others argue behind him. Grand Vizier says Jehnna must be sacrificed or they’ll be the ones sacrificed*

Warlock: Like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Neyz: Which movie came first?

Warlock: Raiders.

*Jehnna inserts the horn while Conan’s crew storms the palace. Bombaata cuts them off and its a one on one fight between Conan and Bombaata*

Warlock: Look at the size difference. Wilt towers over Governor Arnold.

*Vizier prepares to sacrifice Jehnna with a sacrificial dagger as lightning strikes and the statue with the horn in begins to move. Conan tells the others to save the girl while he battles with Bombaata. Zula uses her stick as a spear and heaves it, impaling Vizier before he can kill Jehnna*

Warlock: Nice javelin toss.

*Conan stabs and kills Bombaata as Taramis grabs Jehnna and tries to lead her toward the moving statue. The statue is apparently the god known as Dagoth*

Warlock: Guess who plays Dagoth.

Neyz: Who?

Warlock: Andre the Giant…no joke.

Neyz: No way.

Warlock: Yup

*Dagoth impales and kills Taramis and Conan goes to fight it by himself. He gets a shot in but is knocked down. A palace guard tries his luck but gets his head stomped in*

Warlock: A brave unknown soldier.

*Zulu tells Jehnna, Wizard and Malak to stand back. Dagoth goes for the head crush but Zula stabs him in the back. Gets in a wrestling match with Conan but Malak throws his daggers into Dagoth. Lightning strikes and begins to destroy the palace. Wizard shouts the horn is his life, tear out the horn. Conan immediately jumps on Dagoth’s back and eventually rips the horn out. Dagoth crumbles to the floor and lays motionless and Conan impales it with his sword. Malak runs up and stabs Dagoth’s corpse with a dagger and stands on him triumphantly*

Warlock: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

*Once all the hoopla is over, QUEEN Jehnna declares Zula is the new captain of the guards, replacing Bombaata. Malak is the new court jester. Wizard is the new Grand Vizier. Jehnna wants Conan to be by her side and Conan says no way, he wants his own kingdom and his own queen. Jehnna kisses him on the lips but Conan does not kiss back*

Warlock: She’s 15 at the time of filming, he’s 37.

Neyz: Blergghhhhhhh

*Conan trudges away without his friends and a voiceover (Wizard) says eventually he got his own kingdom as the credits roll*

Warlock: He must have died pretty lonely.

Neyz assessment: Ridiculous

Warlock: This was the Staying Alive to Saturday Night Fever. No sex scenes, no bad language, less blood. Decent action, superior acting. I say this was just as good as the original in its own way.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that about wraps up another good movie. Like I said, this one was much more toned down compared to the first movie. While the two Conan’s did great at the box office, they would be nothing compared to Arnold’s eventual smash The Terminator. All in all, you can’t judge this the same as Conan the Barbarian but its worth a look. See you next time for another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

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