28. Dorm of the Dead (2006)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire from his wrist down the hall, stopping just short of the other end of the wall before entering the lair. Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat with black combat boots, aviators and dog tags*

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is Dorm of the Dead….a 2006 “thriller” made by an independent crew.

America: So this is going to reach Don’t Look In The Cellar levels?

Warlock: Sounds like it.

America: Where’s Mr. Wallstreet?

Warlock: I told him about this and he respectfully declined the invite.

America: Wait, you asked him? You didn’t even ask me.

Warlock: I wasn’t going to risk watching this alone.

America: I protest brother!

*Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get this torture started…..Dorm of the Dead!

*Warlock reads the tagline: “At Arkham University, campus bitches Clare and Julie have a score to settle with goth chicks Sarah and Allison. And when Amy accidentally unleashes a campus zombie epidemic, Clare picks Sarah as the perfect candidate to join the walking dead! But things have a way of backfiring. . .don’t they? So don’t be surprised if Clare and Julie wind up on tonight’s menu!*

America: Of course it backfires, otherwise it would be a movie.

*Movie opens with some fat guy in a hood saying come closer*

America: No, I don’t want to come closer.

*Fat guy: Do you have the nerve to enter the dorm of the dead?”

Warlock: My lair is more exciting than this.

*Arkham Hall Girls Dormitory*

Warlock: How did they not get sued for copyright infringement?

*Guy lights up cigarette with zombie girl behind him*

America: He’s not being too inconspicuous about being in a girl’s dorm. He walks out the front door and 2 feet in front of it, lights up a smoke.

*Guy starts fondling female zombie*

Warlock: What the fuck?

America: Bite him! Do something!

*A second girl zombie shows up and he starts fondling and kissing up on her*

Warlock: Is this a movie or a zombie porno?

America: So far its zombie porno.

*Girl bites him, a male and female zombie show up. Guy freaks out but leapfrogs the onrushing male zombie. He parkours off the wall, turns and spins*

Warlock: Since when did John Morrison become a zombie?

*Guy knocks out guy zombie but dark panted girl zombie holds him by the throat and the zombies surround and eat him*

Warlock: So parkour guy gets knocked out but the female he can’t knock them out?

*Dorm girl undresses and goes to bed*

Warlock: Well at least this isn’t the worst movie ever.

*Dark panted girl zombie enters room of sleeping girl with her two cohorts*

America: This is the quickest zombie movie ever, we already got 4 infected and two girls. No explanation of where they came from.

Warlock: Who the hell needs plot development? Actually for a movie like this, maybe that’s not a bad thing.

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Oh boy, still frame opening credits with a really bad garage band soundtrack

America: *Imitating singer* Eerrr everyday I wake up errrrrrr*

*Next frame shows two chicks making out with some feminine man singing la la la*

Warlock: Take away the soundtrack, this would be sexy.

America: Someone just walked in front of the stage light on the set. Way to go lighting guy, he had ONE job.

*Girls fondle each other and take it even further, stripping each other and sucking each other’s breasts*

Warlock: I think this IS a zombie porno.

America: What language is this singer?

*Guy barges in on them. He is pissed. He chokes red head but Amy kick’s him down and calls him a faggot*

Warlock: Ok, THAT was funny.

*Guy bangs on car for 2 minutes then pulls out his keys, unlocks the door, drags her out and chokes her*

America: So wait, he’s on foot, you’re in a car. You could have just drove away!

Warlock: Not only that, if he had his own keys, why didn’t he just unlock the door to begin with?

America: Idiots!

*Zombie girl shows up, drags dude away and bites him. Amy walks right toward her but is bitten by dude on the ground.*

Warlock: It took him all of 10 seconds to turn?

America: We still have no plot.

*Girl comes out to car, dude bites her too.*

America: They haven’t explained what caused the zombies, but that chick just went to a friend’s place and it didn’t work out.

Warlock: This is shaping up to be No Moral Theater.

*Goth girl and another girl walk through the cemetery with a handheld camera following them*

Warlock: The production value of this is non-existent.

*Two girls stencil on paper on a grave*

America: Sooooooo…their hobby is stenciling graves

*Clare: Oh…my…god…*

America: Becky, look at her butt…it is sooo big. She looks like…one of those..rap guys..girlfriendssss.

*Warlock pops up in black fedora hat*

Warlock: I like big butts and I cannot lie…you other brothers can’t deny.

America: When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung!

*Clare bullies Sarah and Allison. Clare gives the finger and says *Sit…and spin…bitches*

Warlock: Why didn’t they just kick her ass?

America: What a heel.

*Next frama shows zombies eating a fat guy*

Warlock: Who the hell is this guy?

America: I give up.

*Teacher writes on the chalkboard “DEATH”

Warlock: We had dry erase boards in high school, why are colleges so far behind?

*Teacher berates Clare and tells her to be quiet or she’ll wish she was dead*

Warlock: He’d get arrested for that today.

America: One of our teachers got fired for something similar 3 years before this movie came out.

*Teacher asks a question to Allison, she answers in completely different sounding audio and lighting*

Warlock: This is beyond horrible.

*Teacher pulls out zombie blood and tells a story of how zombies are proof. Says he was skeptical at first*

America: I’m skeptical about his acting ability

*Teacher says zombies were roaming at night. The next frame is a flashback  to 2 years earlier in Haiti in BROAD DAYLIGHT to see a zombie staggering*

Warlock: Thought he said roaming at night.

America: That’s hardly at night!

*Zombie’s face goes from green paint to white*

Warlock: They couldn;’t even get the right paint for the second take.

*Clare: Somebody has seen too many crappy movies!*

Warlock and America look at each other: She means us!

America: So his interaction with a zombie was just watching him stagger? That’s like saying you went to the mall while driving into the parking lot and turning around to leave. Great zombie story….not.

*clock shows 4:10 pm. Teacher: Its 4 o’clock, class dismissed.*

Warlock: He’s ten minutes late.

America: Or the editors are asleep.

*Allison drew a picture of a really awful looking zombie head*

America: It looks like it could be a cartoon ape.

*camera pans up the steps of the “school”

America: Oh boy, stairs.

*Tuition officer is sitting down in brightly lit room talking to Sarah, yet Sarah is in a dimly lit room looking upward*

Warlock: So wait, they’re using two different rooms to film. I’ve never seen this kind of incompetence before. Not even in Dead Clowns.

America: Look at the reflection in the door in Sarah’s dialogue, that’s not the same room.

*Tuition officer says the check is 4,237.18. We checked your mom’s bank account, she can cover the 18 cents*

Warlock: Ok, that was a good line.

*The map behind the officer is of United Soviet Socialist Republics*

America: That’s great, so apparently the USSR still exists and Poland doesn’t.

Warlock: Back in the Us….back in the US….back in the USSR.

America: If that’s what they’re teaching in this school, I don’t want to go there.

Warlock: Big Island University is more updated than this.

*Tuition officer gives Sarah 3 days to pay up or get out*

Warlock: The Repo Man’s gonna show up.

*Sarah: She spent my tuition money on Jenny Craig. My grandfather only gave me a thousand dollars*

America: You fell short grandpa!

Warlock: Oh so NOW they’re plot developing? Where was this 20 minutes ago?

America: We had zombies everywhere.

*Clare is in daylight calling someone on the phone and her sister answers in darkness. They meet up and hatch a plot*

Warlock: I could have edited this better laced on PCP.

*Clare and Julie walk up several flights of stairs*

Warlock: Ghostbusters ripoff.

America: I’m not fooled! I know they’ll trip running from zombies later!

Warlock: There’s their cardio for the day.

*Allison leads Sarah to room 666 of Arkham Hall that looks like a Hoarders disaster*

Warlock: Room 666, ha..ha..ha.

*Clare and Julie plot revenge as Sarah and Allison walk around the disgusting dorm room*

Warlock: I love how the outside shots of the “hall” are two different buildings.

America: Wow, this is worse than Dead Clowns.

*Next frame shows Teacher with a gun in the “basement”*

Warlock: They failed to explain this one.

*Clare walks down the basement steps….despite the roofing on the ceiling*

America: The attic is now the basement according to this movie.

Warlock: This movie doesn’t do anything right.

*3 zombies are staggering toward Teacher. He starts going into a monologue. Says he never should have been seeing Laura, the blonde zombie. Next scene shows Teacher and Laura getting it on with a Green Day coverband playing*

Warlock: Zombie Porn of the Dead.

America: Yay…softcore porn.

Warlock: I just realized that’s the real life sister of Julie.

*Laura: I want you to dump your wife and marry me. Teacher: Whatever I do, I can’t leave my wife. Laura: So what’s it going to be, me or her?”

Warlock: Tonight…on As The Zombie Turns.

America: Days of the dead of our lives.

*Next frame shows Teacher injecting zombie blood into her. Teacher reveals evil plot to test the blood on her by design*

Warlock: Worst….heel…ever.

*Teacher says it’ll take 10 seconds of her to turn. She immediately starts seizuring.*

Warlock: This movie wastes zero time.

*Laura pops up after 2 minutes and is a zombie. Teacher says he’s keeping her locked up*

Warlock: So how did she escape?

*Teacher shoots Laura in the head, the other two zombies pounce and tear his arm off.

Warlock: Why didn’t he shoot all 3 of them?

America: Because he sucks!

*2 zombies fight over arm, Teacher gets up and staggers away*

America: He’s getting awayyyyy!

*Teacher looks to camera: “Help me! Help meeeeeee!”

Warlock: What’s he looking at us for, we can’t do anything.

*Clare says she’ll help him if he hands her the zombie blood. Teacher hands it to her, she runs away, zombies eat him*

Warlock: What an idiot!

America: I’m still laughing at how the basement is the attic.

*Clare stands over Sarah and dumps the zombie blood in her mouth*

Warlock: She’s a better heel than the teacher is.

America: 10 seconds!

*Camera fades. Next frame shows Allison waking up with Sarah sitting on her floor. There’s a Fraggle Rock head on Allison’s bed post*

Warlock: So they decapitated a member of the Fraggle Rock Gang, how low will they go?

*Sarah looks at the camera and orders 3 monster burgers*

Warlock: I’m not the server, Sarah.

*Sarah devours burgers and freaks Allison out*

Warlock: Chow down baby.

*Summer introduces herself to Sarah*

Warlock: Who the hell is that?

*Sarah bites, kills and eats Summer*

Warlock: Fuck it, don’t tell us who she is. I don’t give a shit anymore.

America: So she’s a functional zombie.

Warlock: Like the gas station zombie in Land of the Dead.

America: At least he could act.

*Dean Gates wife throws Sarah out the front door. Magically appears from the back door, attacks and kills the wife*

Warlock: Horrible sound effects.

America: Decent song though.

*Allison runs into Sarah outside, Sarah yells at her*

Warlock: ATTACK!

America: Do “The Rock angry”!

*Sarah walks by a zillion fire trucks as some dude drives by and offers her a ride*

America: I think I know why the budget is so low, they spent it all paying the fire department.

Warlock: Why do I have the feeling the director simply drove around looking for firetrucks instead?

*Strange dude carries Sarah through Wal-Mart*

Warlock: They need a permit to film this shit.

America: I guarantee there’s no permit. They were probably like “Go in, shoot what we can and get the hell out!”

*Strange dude drives in Drive-In where the movies playing are See No Evil and Silent Hill*

Warlock: See No Evil is better than this shit.

*Strange dude offers to get Sarah a pizza. Next frame shows a 1950’s drive in commercial as Sarah eats the strange dude*

Warlock: Ok. I have to admit that was funny because of the soundtrack.

*Clare is dancing on the floor of Wooly Bully’s with some guy and reveals she poured zombie blood down Sarah’s throat because she and Allison laughed at her*

Warlock: What the hell acting is that?

*Sarah runs into Clare. Clare taunts her until Sarah attacks her*

America: That’s what you get for pointing.

*Next frame shows random dude attacked by zombie Clare*

America: Goodnight.

*Clare eats guys heart*

America: Worst sound effects ever.

*Sarah walks around a carnival with a Rob Zombie coverband soundtrack for a full 3 minutes*

America: Oh yay, carnival.

Warlock: At least the soundtrack fits for once.

America: If only this carnival had a haunted house, she could hide out there all day.

Warlock: This is taking too long.

America: Alright can we do something else please? Oh good, an abundance of Finding Nemo’s!

Warlock: You know, this is why you edit so you don’t have to play the full song.

*A teenaged boy looks at Sarah. She slowly turns and stalks toward him*

Warlock: Living Dead Girl would have worked here.

America: The royalties would have bankrupted them.

*Sarah wraps arms around teenage boy, licks his neck then bites him*

Warlock: He was like 15

*Next frame shows a reporter with zombies staggering toward him giving the play by play of the zombie outbreak at Arkham University*

Warlock: Still waiting for Batman to show up and save the day.

*Reporter shoves down male zombie and runs away. Sarah stalks him, backs him against a tree and is shot by some random gunman. Zombies drag Sarah’s corpse away as the credits roll*

Warlock: What the fuck?

America: Oh my fucking god…….

Warlock: THAT’S the ending?

*After the credits roll Tiffany and Billy are just talking but guy is touching his own nipples. He hits on her and wants her to blow him.*

Warlock: This is garbage.

America: What is the point of this?

*Tiffany’s father walks in and has a casual conversation while Billy hits on him too*

Warlock: Hey that’s the guy from Death Bed

America: That movie was better than this too!

*Father leaves and Billy starts teabagging Tiffany until the zombies show up and eat them. Father and mother escape out the front door*

Warlock: Finally!

*Movie ends with creepy fat guy laughing and a graphic “coming soon Dorm of the Dead 2”

America: No…OH PLEASE GOD NO!

Warlock: Don’t worry it was never made.

America: Whoever had the courtesy to say no to the sequel, thank you!

America’s assessment: BADDDDDDDD!  2 out of 10

Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 1.5….the nudity saved it from being the worst of all time. Everything else was garbage from lighting, editing, acting and directing. The movie had no ending, at least Dead Clowns had an ending. Oh my god that was awful.

Final Grade: 1.5 = almost the worst movie of all time.

*Warlock rises from the couch, America heads for the bathroom*

Warlock: That was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. If it wasn’t for the pointless nudity I’d have to have a serious debate which movie was worse, this or Dead Clowns.  Its a good thing Mr. Wallstreet wasn’t here, he’d be tearing up his copy of Times mag…..

*Scratch sounds at the door*

Warlock: What the hell is that?

*Warlock opens the door and standing there is a zombie. It roars at him and Warlock nonchalantly fries it with a massive fireball. The crispy zombie flails away down the hall as Warlock casually shuts the door. Mr. America walks out of the bathroom*

America: Who was that?

Warlock: Nothing, thought I heard something.

America: Oh ok…..hey, do you smell something burning?

*The smoke detector goes off and so does the sprinkler system. The alarms blare as America covers his ears*

America: Your fucking neighbors need to learn how to fucking cook!

Warlock: *to the camera* Have a pleasant evening!

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