27. Conan The Barbarian (1982)

Conan

*The Warlock is in his lair hanging a framed, autographed picture of Dollman over a hole in the wall that was created during the shootout with the Demonic Toys. The picture says “To Warlock and the gang, best wishes, Brick Bardo.” He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades*

Neyzor Blades: Will you stop fiddling with that thing and get over here?

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing black leggings, t-shirt, lipstick and studded leather boots*

Warlock: Yeah yeah, hold your horses.

*Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: Sorry for the unpleasantries. As you can see this place is still a mess following our incident with the Demonic Toys. Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America need some time to recover and will not be here today. Neyzor Blades is here today and we’ll be watching CONAN THE LIBRARIAN!!!!

Neyz: What?

Warlock: Sorry, Conan The Barbarian.

Neyz: Will Arnold Schwarzenegger be showing us his ding dong?

Warlock: I don’t know, maybe?

Neyz: Press play!!!

Warlock: Ok…pressing play.

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A vengeful barbarian warrior sets off to avenge his tribe and his parents whom were slain by an evil sorcerer and his warriors when he was a boy.”

Neyz: Sounds….interesting.

Warlock: Must be the inspiration for Golden Axe

*Opening graphic: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” – Friedrich Nietzsche*

Neyz: Is that Freidrich from Sound of Music?

Warlock:…..NO!!!!!

*Opening monologue delivered by Mako aka “The Wizard” who will tell us the tale of Conan’s rise to power*

Warlock: Mako is the man in just about everything.

*Montage of sword being made as credits roll*

Warlock: The inspiration for the Master Sword?

*Man tells young Conan a story of warriors and giants. Tells him not to trust anyone but his sword.*

Warlock: That’s a wonderful bed time story.

*Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and his raiding party attack young Conan’s village. Conan stands with his mother as his father is murdered by dogs after taking a few raiders out The village is torched*

Warlock: Why do I not see this ending well?

*Thulsa and Conan’s mother has a stare down. Thulsa turns his head but suddenly turns around and decapitates her with his sword*

Neyz: Oh fuck….

Warlock: James Earl Jones is HEEEEEEL!

*Thulsa spares Conan as his party gets ready to leave*

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

Neyz: Thulsa kills Conan…THE END

*Next montage/monologue shows Conan being captured and forced to work as a slave. The Wizard says it was never known why Thulsa raided the village. Montage ends with him fully grown.*

Warlock: JEJ woke up one day and decided to go on a raid.

Neyz: How many years was he pushing that thing? He looked like he was 8.

Warlock: Governor Arnold was 35 at the time of filming.

Neyz: They would have drilled onto the other side of the world by then.

*Next scene shows Conan pit fighting someone else*

Warlock: I got 20 bucks on Conan

Neyz: They didn’t have paper money back then genius.

Warlock: I got 20 rubies on Conan…that better?

*Conan wins fight then a montage shows him winning a succession of fights to become known as Conan The Barbarian*

Warlock: Love to see him and Ken Shamrock go at it.

Neyz: Ronda Rousey would be perfect for this.

Warlock: She wasn’t even born yet.

Neyz: And Shamrock was?

Warlock: He was like 18 at the time.

*Wizard: In time, his victories could not easily be counted. He was taken east where the War masters would teach him the greatest secrets!*

Warlock: Its no secret that kicking a guy in the ribs is going to hurt like hell.

*Conan reads from a scroll as Wizard says language and writing were made available to him*

Warlock: He’s reading the menu from the local pub.

*A woman is brought to mate with Conan. A very awkward sex scene develops*

Neyz: I’ve seen better fuck scenes in B movies, where’s his ding dong?

Warlock: Patience, patience!

*Conan flails away with a sword and has an orgasmic look on his face after*

Warlock: Nothing like a post-sex sword flail.

*Round table discussion has Conan saying the best things in life are killing enemies and getting with women*

Warlock: Fuck, I was born in the wrong era.

*Conan is randomly freed from captivity and sent off into the world by the guy who originally chained him to begin with*

Warlock: Good continuity.

Neyz: He’s never been in the outside world before, how’s he going to function?

Warlock: Well he was taught how to fight, read and write. I think he’ll be ok.

*Dogs attack Conan, gives them his fur coat to get them off*

Neyz: Awwww they’re the babiesssss.

*Conan makes a fire from banging rocks together*

Warlock: See, he was taught well.

Neyz: Got any marshmellows?

*Conan discovers he’s in a crypt reserved for warriors. Discovers the corpse of his father and the master sword. He bangs the rust and dirt off the sword and says “Grommm”

Neyz: What’s that mean?

Warlock: It means Thulsa Doom is in big trouble.

*Conan stumbles into the lair of Cassandra Gava. She offers him warmth and fire*

Warlock: Oh boy, a barbarian era escort service.

*Cassandra bends over in front of the camera and crawls toward Conan*

Warlock: I’m not complaining.

*Cassandra says he’ll crush the snakes of the earth. Conan: Snakes? Did you say snakes?”

Warlock: Why’d it have to be snakes?

*Conan says he’s looking for a symbol. Two snakes coming together facing each other as one. Cassandra finishes his sentence and they start getting it on.*

Warlock: He sure gets around.

Neyz: Still no ding dong.

*All of a sudden the room turns blue and she turns into a wereworlf witch.*

Warlock: Guess AIDS back then effected people differently.

*Conan escapes the witch when the fire burns too high. She shoots electrical shots and disappears as a fireball through the sky. Next morning Conan walks out of the lair and stumbles upon Subotai*

Neyz: So he stayed there all night?

Warlock: He’s not gonna waste a perfectly good fire and wine because of a rabid witch.

*Subotai: Food! Food! I have not eaten for days.  Conan: And who says you will?”

Warlock: So much for lending a helping hand.

*Subotai says let him die not in hunger but in combat. He claims to be Subotai and an archer. Conan asks what he’s doing here. They share a laugh and a meal. Character development proceeds as they compare Gods*

Warlock: Least they’re getting some development.

*Conan and Subotai travel the desert and make it to a town. They wander the streets*

Warlock: Watch out for the cut-throats, beggars, the insane and the terminally ugly.

*Subotai and Conan complain about the smell. Conan: How does the wind ever get in here?”

Warlock: Downwind.

*Subotai and Conan look for the two snake symbol. A man say look in the Tower of Serpent. Man gives them lotus flowers that intoxicate them. Conan punches a camel and knocks it out*

Warlock: One punch knockout.

Neyz: That poor camel!

*Conan and Subotai forge the tower and run into Valeria. Subotai says they plan to storm the tower, Valeria laughs at them and makes them go first.*

Warlock: Don’t be afraid, she’ll be right behind you.

*Conan, Subotai and Valeria climb to the top of the tower and watch a ritual being performed. Subotai: What on earth could smell so bad?”

Neyz: Warlock’s laundry.

Warlock: I’ll have you taken out of here.

*Valeria reveals the priest is Thulsa Doom’s right hand man. Valeria tells them to go on ahead while she infiltrates. Conan and Subotai discover the snake pit. A big ruby is in between the twin snakes*

Warlock: Ah, so the snakes are guarding treasure.

Neyz: Indiana Jones wants no part of this.

*Half naked girl walks toward Priest and bows down. Conan grabs the ruby, tells Subotai to beat it and the giant snake wakes up. Conan pulls the double snake symbol off the wall and realizes it belongs to Thulsa Doom. The snake attacks and Conan stabs it. Conan wrestles with it until Subotai unloads a few arrows in it. Conan cuts its head off as the Priest wonders where the snake is. Naked girl jumps and sees the headless snake slithering around. Priest notices Conan and Subotai making their getaway and orders the guards to cut the rope they’re climbing. Valeria sheds her disguise, kills the guards and escapes up the rope with the others. They jump to safety*

Warlock: All that for a damn ruby?

Neyz: They better explain that.

*Back at the pub, Conan, Subotai and Valeria celebrate their victory with ale and belly dancers. Conan gives Valeria the ruby and they go and get it on*

Warlock: That’s 3 so far in this movie.

Neyz: Still no ding dong.

Warlock: Does Sandahl Bergman’s nipple count?

Neyz: NO!

Warlock: Poor Subotai gets the shaft.

Neyz: Actually he’s with a belly dancer, he’s fine.

*Back in public. Conan puts a necklace on Valeria and smacks her ass. The celebration continues until Conan falls asleep in his soup. King Osric’s men capture them*

Warlock: That’s what they get for being too wasted to fight.

*Conan and Valeria are brought before King Osric. Osrric asks where Subotai is, they claim he’s dead. Guards throw Subotai into them, Osric laughs and calls them liars. King says Rexor came to him and yelled at him. Osric reveals he wants Thulsa Doom dead and sends the trio after him to rescue his daughter.*

Warlock: Ok, now we have a point. Go get Osric’s daughter and wipe out Thulsa Doom.

Neyz: Simple isn’t it?

Osric: “There comes a time, when the jewels cease to sparkle. When the gold loses its luster. When the throne room becomes a prison. All that is left, is a father’s love for his child”

Warlock: Good dialogue.

*Valeria says Thulsa Doom has magic powers and is holed up in an impregnable fortress sounded by thousands of guards. Valeria says Conan to take the money and run. Conan looks at the snake symbol and leaves Valeria in the morning to go fight alone.*

Warlock: Fight an army by himself, great strategy.

Neyz: I don’t like this.

*Wizard narrates that Doom’s children told him where to go but to turn back and save himself. Conan rides on*

Warlock: Wouldn’t be much a movie if he retreated.

*Conan rides to where Wizard is hiding. Wizard and Conan share a laugh and tells the story of kings, giants and the mountains. He sings to battles, heroes, witches and women. Not even Thulsa Doom bothers him. Conan asks if flowers grow around here. Wizard laughs at him. Next frame shows Conan riding a camel holding flowers as Wizard laughs at him*

Warlock: Awww isn’t that sweet.

*Conan rides camel to a village deep in prayer. They look toward the moments*

Warlock: Instead of Tower of Fanatics, its desert of fanatics.

*Conan wakes up as the holy order wanders through town. A man stops Conan from leaving, Conan says to go somewhere in private. Conan punches the guy out and steals the dude’s robe*

Warlock: Of course the damn thing fits him like a glove.

*Conan infiltrates the desert of fanatics and makes it to the base of the mountain where the guards walk out.*

Warlock: Hear ye, hear ye!

Neyz: I hear you!

*Conan is asked what he sees in the water. He says infinity. He hands one of the guards his snake symbol and gets to the front of the procession.*

Warlock: Heh, its like giving the tokens to the temple guards in Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Neyz: That was hardly Omec.

*Princess walks out as Thulsa’s voice rings out that he’s watched them for a thousand years.*

Warlock: That’s a long damn time.

*Thulsa asks if anyone is not afraid of death and his guards attack and capture Conan*

Warlock: That’s why he shouldn’t have gone without backup.

*Princess has snakes wrapped around his wrists as Thorgrim and others beat up Conan. Thulsa wants to speak to Conan and asks where the eye of the serpent is (the ruby).*

Warlock: Oh, so the guard recognized the symbol Conan gave him and reported it to Thulsa.

Neyz: He should be promoted.

*Thulsa says Rexor claims he gave it to a girl. Thulsa: You broke into my house, stole my property, murdered my servants and my pets…and THAT is what grieves me the most. You killed my snake, Thorgrim is beside himself with grief. He raised that snake from the time it was born.*

Neyz: I know what that’s like.

*Conan shouts that Thulsa killed his family and his people. Thulsa says he must have done it when he was younger, reveals he was looking for the answer to the riddle of steel. Conan perks up and Thulsa realizes he was looking for it too.Thulsa says steel is nothing compared to the flesh that welds it. Makes a girl jump to her death as proof that flesh is stronger than steel*

Warlock: Now he has to fix the well she broke. Nice going Thulsa.

*Thulsa sends him to the “tree of woe” where he is crucified*

Warlock: Where have I seen this before?

*A vulture perches nearby. Soon a group of vultures land on the tree*

Neyz: Hey birds! Beaky birds!

*A vulture pecks at Conan, he snaps its neck with his own teeth*

Neyz: I don’t like it….I don’t like it….ughhhh

*Conan spots Subotai coming to save him and laughs. Next frame shows Valeria, Subotai and Wizard standing over him.*

Warlock: Glad they knew exactly where to take him.

*Conan is healed by his friends and Wizard’s magic powers. Valeria fights off CGI demons to save Conan’s soul*

Neyz: What am I watching?

*Conan wakes up with drawings all over his face*

Warlock: That’s wonderful graffiti.

*Montage shows Conan flailing his sword again. Conan sharpens his sword as Subotai talking about how to stop Thulsa. Subotai suggests to go after Thulsa another time. Next frame shows the trio riding to the mountains with another horse in tow*

Warlock: That’s for the princess.

Neyz: No shit Sherlock.

*The trio covers themselves in war paint and prepare to storm the mountains. Enter a torture chamber where an orgy is commencing. A leopard growls*

Warlock: Awww lookit da smittens!

*After watching the orgy, Subotai: So this is paradise.”

Warlock: You ain’t kidding.

*Thulsa turns himself into a snake as Conan pulls out his master sword. Valeria sets the curtains on fire and crawls away. The vat of green goop contains a human hand.*

Warlock: Oooh, handy.

*Subotai sneaks up on the goop stirrer and slits his throat. Valeria kills another guard. Conan then goes to town on the palace guards as the women run away. Valeria notices the snake slithering away and knocks down the princess.*

Neyz: Ungrateful bitch.

*Rexor and Thorgrim show up with more guards and Conan says to bring it. A fight breaks out but stops when Thorgram knocks over the giant snake pillar with his sledgehammer*

Warlock: Was he cured?

Neyz: Why are you asking me?

*Valeria wipes out a bunch of palace guards as Thorgram and Thulsa picks up Rexor. Thulsa vows revenge on the trio. Conan and crew make their way back to Osric’s place with his daughter in tow. Thulsa tells a snake to “seek” and shoots it with a long bow right into Valeria’s back*

Neyz: Oh no!

*Valeria says this is her sacrifice for saving Conan. She asks Conan to hold and kiss her*

Warlock: You’d do that.

Neyz: Damn right.

*Valeria dies in Conan’s arms*

Warlock: *pretends to die* EHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Neyz: There you go again.

*Conan stands over Valeria’s body and says goodbye as Subotai sets Valeria’s tomb on fire*

Warlock: Barbarian era cremation.

*Wizard asks why Subotai is crying. He says since Conan won’t, he’ll do it for him*

Warlock: What a guy.

*Conan rips off his own necklace and puts the eye of the serpent around his neck. Next day Conan sits and ponders. Princess claims Thulsa will kill Conan. Conan makes  a stand at the site he grew up at, the big drill. Wizard brings swords, shields, etc. Conan: Are you going to help? Wizard: Nope.”

Warlock: Hahaha.

*Conan prays to Grom for revenge and if he doesn’t listen, then ta hell with you!”

Warlock: What a speech.

*Thulsa’s raiders ride up and the battle commences. Conan and Subotai take most of them out leaving only Thorgrim and Rexor. Thorgrim drops Conan with a sledgehammer shot but Conan recovers. Conan drops Rexor with a sword swing. Wizard and Subotai team up to take down a raider. Wizard needs help getting to his feet*

Warlock: Ok that was funny.

*Conan rigs a trap by using his helmet as a trigger. Thorgrim nails it with his hammer and a large spear impales Thorgrim. Rexor runs up and knocks down Conan. Rexor goes to kill him but is stopped by….the ghost of Valeria. Conan then kills Rexor in a one on one fight.*

Warlock: Conan wins…flawless victory.

*Princess cries out for Thulsa who loads up another snake arrow. She cries not to kill him when Subotai runs up the hill and blos the shot with his shield. Thulsa rides away as Wizard taunts him. Conan picks up Rexor’s broken sword and raises his arms in victory. Meanwhile back at Thulsa’s palace, he orders his followers to commence a ceremony. Conan and Subotai crash the party. Thulsa demands to know who is father is. Thulsa: “When I am gone, you will have never been. What would your world be, without me? My son!”

Warlock: Why is he everyone’s father?

*Conan swings the broken sword and slits Thulsa’s throat*

Warlock: There’s 10 minutes left, can’t be that easy.

*Conan decapitates Thulsa and shows his head to all the followers. He throws it at them and he drops the dagger.  One by one all the followers throw their torches into the water and walk down the mountain. Conan sits and ponders*

Warlock: Guess it was that easy.

*Conan sets Thulsa’s palace on fire and a graphic showing Conan becoming king is shown.  End credits*

Warlock: I smell a sequel.

Neyz: Oh great, I suppose you’re going to put me through that as well?

Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. Kind of dragged on a bit.

Neyzor Blades assessment: I give it a 6…too violent for me.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that about wraps up Conan The Librarian…..I mean Barbarian. It was a decent movie, kind of draggy but lots of nudity, barbaric behavior and fantasy elements to keep it family fun for all.

Neyz: Family fun?? You call THAT family fun?

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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