26. Dollman vs Demonic Toys (1993)

220px-Demonicdolls_poster

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, Darkness Falls City Limits t-shirt, blue jeans, black gargoyle shades and white sneakers. He’s holding a mug of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don……..

*Warlock notices a box on the ground*

Warlock: Uh…guys….may want to get out here.

*Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America walk outside. Mr. Wallstreet is wearing a black Men’s Warehouse suit with a white undershirt, black tie and black wingtips. America is wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat with black combat boots, dogtags and aviator shades*

Wallstreet: Oh no, another box?

Warlock: Its from Nate, I recognize the return address.

America: Uh-uh…..

*America runs back inside*

Warlock: I really need to get a security camera.

*America runs out with his carbine rifle and aims at the box*

America: If that’s Brick Bardo I swear to god.

Warlock: Will you stop that? Brick’s the good guy!

*Wallstreet opens the box. In it is Dollman vs Demonic Toys DVD*

Wallstreet: Its another movie.

*America lowers his gun*

America: Oh ok.

*America walks back inside and takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

Wallstreet: Didn’t we just see Dollman?

*Warlock reads the label and the two walk inside*

Warlock: Yeah, this must be a cross-over.

*Wallstreet takes his seat in the recliner. Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: As you could guess, tonight’s tale is Dollman vs Demonic Toys, a movie cross-over featuring the good guy toy against the bad guy toys.

America: This better be good.

Warlock: So let’s not waste any time, let’s begin Dollman vs Demonic Toys

 

*Opening graphic of Full Moon*

Wallstreet: This movie already has better production value than the last.

 

*Opening Brick Bardo voice-over says Nurse Ginger was shrunk by aliens and he can’t wait to meet her*

Warlock: Oh my good god, Nurse Ginger???? It was Bunny that was trapped, not Ginger!

America: How the hell did they screw that up???

Wallstreet: Guess they felt Ginger was hotter and decided to use her for this.

Warlock: I don’t care! That’s awful ret-conning.

America: I protest brother!

Wallstreet: So this is a 3 way sequel for Demonic Toys, Dollman and Bad Channels?

Warlock: Yeah….and its not that long, we’re in trouble.

 

*opening credits*

Wallstreet: Can’t we fast forward?

Warlock: You may miss something.

America: Yeah, I’m really going to miss still frames of him shooting *sarcasm*

 

*Warlock and America mock the opening credits theme*

 

*Phil Fondacaro is credited*

Warlock: He’s becoming a fixture in all of our movies.

 

*Featuring songs by Quiet Riot*

Warlock: Yess!!!

America: Oh boy!!

Warlock: This just got better.

 

*Montage of the first Demonic Toys movie*

Warlock: We’ve seen this before.

Wallstreet: I haven’t, what IS this?

 

*Ray (Phil Fondacero) the security guy is listening to Terrified by Quiet Riot at his desk at the toy factory from the first movie*

Warlock: So the factory is still there? I thought it would be closed down by now due to the…oh I don’t know….MULTIPLE FUCKING HOMICIDE!!

America: Nah, we just imagined up the whole thing.

 

*Random drunk stumbles into warehouse and makes fun of the toys and the warehouse*

America: And you’re a no-name, unintroduced drunk, just hurry up and die.

 

*Judith argues with her boss about staking out the warehouse*

Warlock: Wasn’t she pregnant in the first movie?

America: I guess that storyline went out the window.

 

*Drunk rides tricycle around and honks the clown horn*

Wallstreet: Well he’s having a ball.

 

*Drunk crashes into boxes and they fall on him, apparently crushing him to death. The thick, unusual amount of blood is electrificed, waking up the Demonic Toys*

Warlock: There couldn’t have been THAT much blood.

Wallstreet: Looked pretty thick too.

 

*Judith investigates the corridors of the warehouse*

America: Ok we’re in isle F….now we’re in isle I….what happened to G?

Warlock: Gee I don’t know.

America: I see what you did there.

 

*Demonic Toys appear. Mr. Static, Jack Attack, Oopsy Daisy and Zombietoid*

Warlock: What happened to Teddy?

America: He’s hibernating.

 

*Judith walks in on the Toys: Jesus Christ! Oopsy Daisy: Not quite slut!*

Warlock: Hahahahahaa

 

*Shootout happens with the Toys, they escape. Cops and Ray stop her. She screams about trying to stop the toys.*

Warlock: Oh yeah, they’ll believe her.

 

*Oopsy Daisy taunts a stunned Ray from the air vent*

Warlock: At least he’s almost their size. That would be a fair fight.

 

*Nurse Ginger wakes up after sleeping in a kitchen drawer. America goes nuts trying to figure out why she’s in the movie and not Bunny*

Warlock: I’m not even going to try to figure this out.

 

*Ginger listens to Little Angel by Quiet Riot as she ponders how to get off the kitchen counter*

America: I give up. Its a train waiting to take a dirt road.

 

*Fat guy stands over Bardo*

Warlock: Go…away…fat man!

 

*Collins taunts Ginger and walks away. Spider comes down and scares her. Bardo shows up and shoots it*

Warlock: How the hell did he get in there?

Wallstreet: This movie isn’t explaining anything.

America: A lot of climbing.

 

*Bardo reveals the newspapers call him Dollman. Ginger reveals the newspapers are after her too*

Warlock: So they’re establishing the public already knows. Imagine if this happened today?

 

*Judith confronts Collins and asks him to help her find the toys*

Wallstreet: That’s worst looking tie I’ve ever seen.

Warlock: He can’t act worth a damn.

 

*Judith seduces Collins into revealing Ginger and Dollman are in Pahoota*

Warlock: Look it up on Google Maps.

*Wallstreet pulls out his phone*

 

*Collins calls her a prick teasing slut. He apologizes for calling her a prick tease. She knees him in the nuts*

Wallstreet: Poor guy.

America: Hardly, he deserved it.

Wallstreet: By the way, there’s no Pahoota in the world.

Warlock: I figured.

 

*Next frame shows Bardo chilling with Ginger. Ginger: Never too thin or too tan*

Warlock: I disagree!

 

*Bardo and Ginger have a bonding moment. Montage of the movie Dollman is shown*

Warlock: Well they had to explain this one too. They basically take ten minutes to explain both movies, so this is essentially a 50 minute movie.

America: Hooray character development.

 

*Ginger explains her story. Montage of Bad Channels*

Warlock: Wondeful, so that’s THREE movies they had to explain. So that’s 15 minutes of montage, 45 of this thing.

America: Not only that….THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE BUNNY, NOT GINGER!

Wallstreet: Get a hold of yourself, man!

 

*Ginger and Brick share a kiss after she claims to be lonely*

America: You know bitch, I’ve known lonely for 30 years. Fuck you!

Warlock: That’s your own fault!

America: Shaddup!

 

*Judith walks in on Ginger and Brick having sex, fade to black*

Warlock: Wait what?

 

*Judith asks Ginger and Brick for help. Reveals Mark from the first movie refused to help, and her son is safe*

America: So basically the movie is saying “These are people we didn’t want to pay, so this is how we wrote them off.

Wallstreet: At least she had her son apparently.

 

*Brick agrees to help, Ginger jealously demands to be brought along since she’s a nurse. Next frame shows Judith, Brick and Ginger pulling up to the warehouse.

Warlock: So wait, they’re not going to explain why the Toys are back?

 

*Next scene shows Ray helping the Toys get strength by dragging a dead hooker to the pentagram. Ray asks why they need him and Oopsy Daisy says they need blood for the master and Ray says he can get all the hookers they want*

Warlock: Ok, good enough for me.

 

*Judith enters warehouse with a suitcase holding Brick and Ginger. Oopsy Daisy and Jack are in the air vents and say she’s due for an ass kicking*

Warlock: I smell a showdown coming.

Wallstreet: You sure that’s not your laundry?

Warlock: Shaddup!

 

*As Judith infiltrates, a frame showing a decapitated doll is shown*

Warlock: That’s sick.

 

*Judith lets Brick and Ginger out*

Warlock: Wait, where does Brick get the ammo for his special gun if he’s on Earth?

Wallstreet: Good question.

 

*Jack gives their position away, Brick shoots at them. Daisy: Geez, who’s out there, Arnold Schwartznegger?*

Warlock: Governor Arrrrrnold.

 

*Ray shows up and shoots Judith as she shoots him, Ray dies*
Warlock: So much for him

 

*Mr. Static shows up and guns down Judith, Brick blows him away. Judith says go get em and dies*

Warlock and America fake dying: Ehhhhhhhhh

Wallstreet: Have some respect you two!

 

*Jack corners Ginger as Zombietoid attacks Brick. Ginger slips away and starts throwing jawbreakers candy at Zombietoid, stunning him. Jack pops up and chases Ginger.

Warlock: So it was 5 against 3 to start, now its 3 against 2.

America: What a Survivor Series.

Wallstreet: Guess Judith didn’t last very long.

 

*Ginger is trapped in the air vent with Jack, a gun-less Bardo chases them in hot pursuit. The scene drags on*

Warlock: This scene is taking too long.

 

*Oopsy Daisy knocks Brick out. Next scene shows Brick tied down on the ground with two RC trucks ready to split him in two. Ginger is tied to an alarm clock with Zombietoid, Jack and Daisy taunting them. Daisy: She’s a bit tied up at the moment!” Daisy then reveals that  it will be the one fucking Ginger to impregnate her and spawn a demon*

Warlock: So instead of The Kid, Daisy has taken over as top heel, wonderful.

 

*Daisy says this is the bachelor party. He puts on a record player with the 45 being Rude, Crude Mood by Quiet Riot*

Warlock: Decent track I have to admit.

 

*Daisy says the master arrives at midnight. Gives the story of how the Demon Kid was born 66 years ago*

Warlock: Great, more stock footage.

 

*Just as RC car is about to take off, Ginger escapes the clock, takes one of the hands and cuts the top half of Brick loose. The other car drives off dragging him away but in one piece. Car crashes into boxes, lacking the stereotypical explosion that usually happens. Brick takes a moment to gather himself. Zombietoid snatches Ginger as Brick grabs a hockey stick and searches for his gun. Zombietoid shows up and they have a one on confrontation. Zombie gets his knife stuck in an electrical outlet, instead of exploding he just disappears*

Warlock: Couldn’t even put a small explosion in the budget?

 

*Daisy and Jack have Ginger tied up in a dollhouse.  “Daisy: We’re gonna be in our birthday suits*

Warlock: I don’t mind seeing Melissa Behr in hers, Daisy on the other hand…no thanks.

 

*Jack is standing guard over the dollhouse. Somehow doesn’t notice Brick sneaking up on him. Brick: Eat this!” Brick blows Jack’s head off. Brick: Pop goes the weasel!*

Warlock: Pop go da weasel cause da weasel go pop!

Wallstreet: Word.

 

*Daisy opens Ginger’s legs and tears her clothes off. Brick jumps in the window. Baby has his hand on her throat. Threatens to kill her if he doesn’t drop the gun. Brick drops the gun. Daisy threatens him some more. Says he has all the tools now. Ginger realizes it and knees him in the nuts. Brick uses his hand mechanism to regain the gun. He blows away Daisy. Ginger asks what to do now. He says to call the cops and say to say Judith died in the line of duty. Movie ends with Brick and Ginger taking a cab to Pahoota*

Warlock: Kind of a weak ending.

Wallstreet: Weak ending, more like weak script.

America: Yeah 45 minutes of movie, 15 minutes of stock footage.

Warlock: This was a 3 way sequel to boot.

Wallstreet’s assement: Pure crap.

Warlock’s assessment: What a let down.

America’s assessment: Wasn’t expecting much to begin with, so this was just as crappy as I thought.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was interesting. Movie crossovers rarely fail to live up to the hype and this one sure did. Then again, they only had a ONE HOUR time limit. Not much to work with. That about wraps up…..

*Suddenly the lights go out*

America: I thought I told you not to do that!

Warlock: I didn’t…..

*A red light illuminates the room*

Wallstreet: Warlock……

Warlock: Its not me…I swear.

*Suddenly a hole in the floor opens and Baby Oopsy Daisy, Jack Attack, Zombietoid and Mr. Static appear from the hole*

Oopsy Daisy (voiced by Frank Welker): Time to die fuckheads!

Warlock: Its the Demonic Toys!!!!

America: HOLY SHIT!

*America barrel rolls behind the couch as Baby lunges for him*

Wallstreet: Holy moly!

*Jack Attack pops out and goes to grab Wallstreet but he slides down and hides behind the couch. Daisy looks around for America*

Daisy: C’mere ya little shit!

*Warlock and Zombie lock eyes. Warlock flicks his wrist and fire appears. Zombietoid growls and twirls knife*

Warlock: Let’s dance!

*Zombietoid leaps for Warlock but Warlock nails him with a fireball. America pops up from the couch with his carbine rifle and blows Static away. Aims for Daisy but Daisy moves out of the way and crawls under the couch*

Daisy: Oh look what I found!

*Jack lunges for Warlock and grabs his arm, allowing Zombietoid to jump up and start cutting him  with the small sized knife*

Warlock: Ahhhhhh!

America: I can’t get a shot!

Warlock: Oh real helpful!!

*Wallstreet then appears with a rolled up Forbes magazine and bashes Jack’s head clean off. America runs out from behind the couch and shoots Zombietoid off with a hail of bullets. Warlock then fries Zombietoid with a massive fireball*

Warlock: I think we got them….

Daisy: Think again assholes!

*Warlock. America and Wallstreet turn to the couch and Oopsy Daisy is on it holding America’s .45 pistol*

Warlock: Damn it….

*America drops the carbine*

Daisy: Which of you dies first….eeny…meenie…minieeeee*

*Suddenly Daisy is shot through the head from a bullet out of nowhere. Daisy falls off the couch to the ground and Warlock wastes no time in frying it with a fireball*

Warlock: Good shot America.

America: Um….

*America shows his hands, they’re empty*

Warlock: Wallstreet?

*Wallstreet shows him the rolled up magazine*

Wallstreet: I don’t think its loaded….

Warlock: Then who the…..

*A voice from the windowsill says “You’re welcome”. The boys look over and there’s Brick Bardo*

Warlock: Bardo!

Wallstreet: He saved us

*America salutes Brick and Bardo nods at them before jumping out*

America: A true hero!

*Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: Well that’s enough excitement for one night. Have a pleasant evening.

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