25. Bad Channels (1992)

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*When we last left off, Mr. America and The Warlock were on their way back in time to 2003…again…to set things right. The 1958 Plymouth Fury sparks and appears at the end of Warlock’s old street. He parks in front of a house. *

America: Why are we stopped here?

Warlock: We’re going to appear in front of my old house, obviously you and I can’t be seen.

America: Oh yeah, so what are we gonna do?

Warlock: You’re going to infiltrate and steal the dvd after you drop it off.

America: Huh?

Warlock: You’re going to steal the dvd that you originally dropped off.

America: Oh ok.

Warlock: If you’re successful, things should go back to normal.

America: Don’t worry I’ll get the damn movie.

Warlock: Just don’t be seen by anyone.

America: Got it.

*America gets out of the car and sneaks toward the house. A dog barks at him*

America: BARK BARK BARK BARK!

*The dog cowers and America continues down the street. He makes it to the house next door as the lightning strikes as the other 1958 Plymouth Fury appears in front of Warlock’s house. America hides in the nearby bushes as the other one army crawls toward the house, then drops the movie off and rings the doorbell. As the other America hops in the Fury and drives away, America runs and dives the porch, takes the dvd and slides off the porch, falling to the ground. All of a sudden 17 year old Warlock opens the door*

Warlock: Hello?  Anybody there? *He looks down and there’s nothing there* God damn ding dong ditchers!

*17 year old Mr America walks up behind him*

America: Who was that?

Warlock: Damn kids,

America: Oh, so what do you want to do?

Warlock: Let’s go to Blockbuster.

America: Sounds good, let me go get a jacket.

*Warlock closes the door as present day America runs to the Fury. He jumps in*

America: Success, I got it.

Warlock: Were you seen?

America: No.

*A light goes on in the porch in the house they’re parked in front of. A face peeks out*

Warlock: I think we better get outta here.

America: Good thinking.

*Warlock and America drive off as thunder strikes, transporting them back to 2015. They drive to Warlock’s Lair and pull up front. They get out and notice the door is still open.*

Warlock: Did you forget to lock the door?

America: No, I swear I shut it.

Warlock: So someone’s in the Lair?

America: Great…and I don’t have a gun.

*Warlock and America walk up to the door and walk in*

Warlock: Well….either Harris or Wallstreet is in here.

America: Don’t be afraid I’ll be right behind you.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and flame appears…he yells out*

Warlock: Hello?

*Mr. Wallstreet walks out*

Wallstreet: Oh there you guys are. Where have you been?

Warlock: Just running an errand.

Wallstreet: Should have told me you’d be along later. Anyway what’s the movie for tonight?

America: Yeah….by the way good to see you again.

Wallstreet: Thanks…I saw you last week though.

America: So what IS the movie we are doing?

Warlock: Bad Channels.

America: What’s that?

Warlock: A movie about an alien invasion of a radio station.

Wallstreet: Sounds terrible.

America: Yes, awful….let’s watch.

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An alien determined to capture human females takes over a radio station to do it.”

Mr. America: Talk about a hostile takeover.

Mr. Wallstreet: Would you like a glass of girl?

*Opening song plays over the credits*

Warlock: Is THAT Blue Oyster Cult?

America: I don’t think so.

*Graphic showing Charlie Spaulding as Cookie*

Wallstreet: Heh, a guy named Charlie playing a guy named Cookie.

Warlock: Could be a girl.

*Based on an original idea by Charlie Band*

America: Wow….

*Power circuit sparks in Pahoota’s radio station*

‘Warlock: The place is going to blow already.

*Willis radios for help and says we have a problem here*

Warlock: Nooooooooo

Wallstreet: Is his name Cookie?

Warlock: He just said his name was Willis.

Wallstreet: Oh yeah.

America: Glad you’re paying attention.

*Willis stumbles upon monster tentacles*

Wallstreet: Poor guy’s dead already.

*Willis says holy shit then frame changes to a radio station playing a Polka tune*

Warlock: Guess he didn’t die…yet.

America: If the radio station is playing polka, thank god the alien takes over.

*Dangerous Dan O’Hare chained himself to the wall to sell a car*

Warlock: Why did he chain himself?

*Peanut calls the radio station but with the radio on, the feedback pisses everyone off*

Warlock and America: Owwwwwwww

*Flip and Dan make sexual innuendos about Dan getting it on with a female police sergeant*

Warlock and Wallstreet: Hahahaha

*Pahoota’s high school band totally sucks*

America: Band?? It consists of 4 people!

Warlock: Our elementary school recorders sounded better than this.

*Bunny gives Dan her measurements to open the lock…it fails*

Warlock: No.

*Dan: Flip give me a number.  Flip: I’m thinking a one…and a two and a three.  Dan: One..two…three?” He tries the combo and it works, it sets him free*

Wallstreet: You gotta be kidding me.

America: 4…5….that’s the same combination on my luggage!

Warlock: Where have I heard that before?

America: Ugh…I’m surrounded by assholes.

*Lisa tries to get Flip to sell his car, he cuts to world news*

Warlock: Hahahahhaa

*Katrinka says UFO’s have been sighted as Dan plays Blue Oyster Cult*

America: He’s going to see a man about a horse.

*Dan gives sob story to Lisa and Dan says if he’s dishonest, lightning will strike. A colored light comes down*

America: It won’t be lightning that will hit him.

*Lisa tells the Sheriff a UFO has flown in*

Warlock: That’s not going to work.

*Dan denies seeing the UFO*

America: Ha!

*Dan admits he rigged the contest so Flip would send Lisa. Lisa tells him to buzz off*

America: Shut down.

*Chinese delivery guy gets vaporized by alien*

Warlock: Who was that?

America: Doesn’t matter now.

*Dan: Did Dan O’Hare rig Buddy Holly’s plane?”

Wallstreet: I KNEW IT!

*Dan gets his revenge on Lisa by saying over the radio that she’s after UFO’s*

America: Lunatic.

*Willis freaks out and says he couldn’t do it and he was frightened. Lord have mercy take him away!”

Warlock: He just saw Liza Minelli naked.

*Willis admits to Sheriff and Lisa that an alien freaked him out. Lisa says she saw one too*

Warlock: So is this the inspiration for Redneck Rampage?

*Willis throws open his shirt and a green thing is attached*

Warlock: Watch out, its Oscar!

*Dan: Nah, lettuce and tomato are too healthy. Candy is the way to go*

America: I like this guy!

*Peanut calls into Dan’s show and saying two truckers saw UFO’s. Dan laughs at them. He says Bunny’s boyfriend the entire Pahoota football team would know*

Warlock and Wallstreet: Hahahahahaha

*Dan’s equipment blows up. Corky: Don’t panic I’ll fix it!*

Wallstreet: I think its beyond being fixed.

*Alien kicks down the door. Dan and Corky freak out*

America: Now would be a good time to start running.

*The alien has a miniature robot*

Wallstreet: Its R2-D2!

*Dan and Corky freak out. Dan: Do something Corky! Corky: What do you want me to do?”

Warlock: RUNNNN!!!1

*An ambulance hauls Willis into the emergency room. Willis: OH MY GOD I HAVE COOTIES!”

Warlock, America and Wallstreet: HAHAHAHA!!!

*Alien takes control of radio station as Lisa runs into Ginger*

Warlock: Oh there she is.

*America: So let me get this straight. This alien shows up and shoots the delivery guy on sight with no provocation. Then these two idiots in the radio station are screaming their heads off, drawing attention to themselves, just standing there…and this thing spares them. What the hell alien, be consistent!”

*Doctor cuts piece of green stuff off Willis*

Warlock: You want your eggs sunny side up or over easy?

*Sheriff: Don’t let Lisa get near Willis*

America: Oh she will, its a movie.

*Lisa shoves a camera in Sheriff’s face and demands answers*

Warlock: Why is she manning the camera?

Wallstreet: News station has zero budget.

*Sherrif doesn’t want to raise panic, Lisa protests. Next frame shows Dan and Corky on the ground with R2-D2 checking them out. Dan comes to, wakes Corky and hides behind the window. The entire studio is covered in alien goo*

Warlock: Now playing Jupiter’s top 40.

*Dan notices the 4 glasses*

Warlock: Gee, I wonder what those are for.

*Dan: I’m going to try to contact the outside world*

Wallstreet: Call Dow Jones!

*Dan goes through the call line and its a bunch of rednecks calling in saying they love the show*

Warlock: Told you its redneck rampage!

*Alien beats up his own robot*

Warlock: How’s that for gratitude?

*Dan runs over to the Alien, the Alien motions toward him*

Warlock: Get outta herreeeeeee

*Out of nowhere Fair Game bolts into the truck stop and plays Blind Faith*

Warlock: Oh boy, a music video for no reason.

America: I’m not going to complain.

Warlock: Tommy Thayer wrote this song

*Everyone in the diner dances*

America: Ok this is getting freaky.

*Its revealed the music video is just Cookie dancing to herself*

Warlock: Still, interesting 3 minutes.

*All of a sudden Cookie is transported to one of the glass jars. She’s shrunk down to 12 inches. Alien pokes at her.*

Warlock: Aliens need love too.

*Corky makes a run for it but the Alien catches him and fries him with his magic stick. Dan goes to save him but is stopped by the Alien, who motions to the radio monitor. Dan runs for it*

Warlock: He left Corky behind I can’t believe it!

*Sherriff goes to Peanut’s and the whole diner tells him she disappeared, Sheriff poo-poo’s the mob*

Warlock: See, most movies they never believe anything outrageous.

America: The police force in The Ice Cream Man would be putting an APB on the aliens.

*Dan: Corky fought for the freedom of the 12 inch waitress. Now he’s covered in fungus*

America: He didn’t fight anything.

Wallstreet: Now he’s a fungus.

Warlock: They’re ripping off Troll 2 now.

*Dan tries to warn Bunny to get off the phone and away from the radio. She doesn’t believe him but its too late. She imagines D.M.T. performing Touching Myself Again and she dances with a random band member*

America: Who is this goon?

Warlock: She’s grinding, I’m not complaining.

*In real time, she’s dancing by herself with the entire band looking at her confused. The trombone player pretends to play it*

Warlock: The band geeks will jerk off for a week.

*Alien transports Bunny to the second glass. She screams and Alien waves to her*

Warlock: Helloooooooo!

*Sherrif runs in to the ER and shoots the radio. The fungus stops moving*

Warlock: Very efficient.

America: Well unlike other movies, they’re not going to do the whole “Let’s do research on it” routine, they just went ahead and shot the damn thing.

Wallstreet: He’s got a hot iron.

*Lisa says to Flip that Dan could be right and there’s an alien attack*

America: This story is out of this world.

Warlock: I see what you did there.

*Police tries to battering ram the door in. Dan warns them not to come in. Sherrif asks how the door is coming*

Wallstreet: Giving it hell!

*Flip and Katrinka plan to crash Pahoota with her rubbing his shoulders*

Warlock: He wants to hump-a-lot.

America: You killed it.

*Dan notices the Alien’s looking for another victim. Its Nurse Ginger*

Warlock: Is it time for another music video?

America: Yup.

Warlock: What band is it gonna be this time?

*Dan tries to warn Ginger but she falls into the hallucination.  Sykotik Sinfoney performs Manic Depresso*

America: I’m so lost.

Warlock: How they were not Top 40 I’ll never know.

*Ginger dances around the autopsy room before getting transported to the third glass*

Warlock: Well if nothing else, we’re watching 90 minutes of MTV.

*Band geek pulls up to the band station*

Wallstreet: He wants his girlfriend back.

Locknut wants the show to continue for ratings*

Warlock: There’s your “let’s do research” moment.

America: So stupid!

*Roger calls in and Dan says to get off the phone*

Warlock: What does he got to lose?

America: He’s a dude, the alien will leave him alone. He can talk all day.

*Lisa tells Locknut to shut up. Dan laments the 3 trapped girls*

Warlock: Barbies in bottles….Mattel better get on that.

*Dan is infected with the fungus. Claims he’s going to get a weapon and fight his way out. He grabs a boxcutter*

Warlock: Yeah that’ll intimidate the alien with the magic stick.

America: Ok MaGuyver.

*Dan sprays his hand with disinfectant and the fungus disappears. He then sprays the fungus cocoon and causes the Alien to wave the air*

Warlock: hahahaha

Wallstreet: Don’t run out!

*Dan sprays the Alien and he cheers…only to run out.*

America: Now you pissed him off.

*Alien tells him to talk into the microphone*

Warlock: I get it. He’s keeping him alive so the alien can gather girls.

*Dan figures out that the Alien is using his VOICE to guide the guiding system. Suddenly band geek runs up to Lisa and the alien snatches him by accident.*

Warlock: The Alien’s like “What the hell is this?”

Wallstreet: You fool! Where is my pistol?

*The alien is enraged and kills his robot friend*

Warlock: Tom Servo nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

*Alien puts band geek back and Dan figures out the process is reversible. Alien nabs Lisa anyway*

Warlock: No music video? That’s cheap!

*Dan grabs the magic stick and beats Alien over the head with it*

America: Yeah, how do you like it?

*Flip and Katrinka show up outside as Lisa films from the glass, as Dan and Alien wrestle*

Warlock: The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is a death match featuring Alien vs Dangerous Danny O’Dare.

*Flip: What the hell is this?”

Warlock: A real alien.

*Dan uses the boxcutter to cut Alien’s suit open. It leaks air and explodes into the little shop of horrors 3 headed monster.*

America: I liked his first form better.

*Dan releases Cookie, Lisa and Ginger. Corky breaks free from the fungus. The 5 of them spray the alien with disinfectant until it disappears. Dan busts through the door with Cookie, Ginger, Corky and Lisa…but not Bunny. Sheriff and Locknut investigate the station. Flip tries to interview Dan and Lisa, they make fun of him*

Wallstreet: Where are the keys to my car?

*Alien ship leaves*

Warlock: Fuck these guys, we’re outta here!

*Bunny is still trapped as the credits roll. At the end of the credits Dollman appears*

Warlock: Oh shit its Dollman!

*Dollman says he’s going to visit Bunny*

America: Oh boy…A SEQUEL!

Wallstreet’s assessment: I don’t know what to say….

America’s assessment: I give it a 5

Warlock’s assessment: That was pretty interesting. Entertaining at least.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was fun. Definitely not a good movie but it was entertaining to say the least.

*Warlock looks over at his dvd collection*

Warlock: Hey wait a second….

*He goes through it*

Warlock: I don’t believe it.

*America comes over*

America: What happened?

Warlock: Its gone.

America: What is?

Warlock: S.I.C.K.

America: No way.

*Warlock and America look at each other*

Warlock: Nahhhh

America: Not gonna bother.

*Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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