24. Back To The Future 3 (1990)

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*When we last left off, Mr. America and The Warlock were on their way back in time. Using Warlock’s red 1958 Plymouth Fury with a flux capacitor installed, the two travel back to 2003 with a mission in mind. Since they had already seen Back to the Future 3 in their present, the only way they could do a proper commentary together is if they see it for the first time. With a crack of lighting, the Fury appears in October of 2003 on the street Warlock used to live. Warlock drives down the street and stops in front of the house. As Warlock refills the plutonium, with a copy of Back To The Future 3 in his hand, America hops out of the car, barrel rolls onto the lawn and starts army crawling toward the house. Warlock facepalms*

Warlock: There’s no one here, no need for that.

*America makes it to the stairs, walks up them. Places the DVD on the front porch and rings the doorbell. He then sprints outside, dives in the car and Warlock drives away. 10 seconds later the door opens and a 17 year old Warlock appears. His hair is significantly longer than it is in 2015 but still blonde. He’s wearing an ECW t-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers.

Warlock: Hello? *looks down* What the hell is this?

*He picks up the dvd*

Warlock: Back to the Future 3? Wow, always wanted to see that.

*He brings the DVD inside. He goes to his room and his theme song plays, Teenage Frankenstein by Alice Cooper. Mr. America is sitting in a fold out chair next to Warlock’s bed. His hair is significantly longer as well but still blonde. He’s wearing a t-shirt with airplanes on it, Khaki pants and black shoes.*

America: Who was that?

Warlock: I don’t know, probably Harris, he left us a movie.

America: Oh, what movie?

Warlock: Back to the Future 3.

America: Oh sweet. Pop it in.

*Warlock pops the movie in*

*Movie begins with the ending of Back to the Future 2*

America: Great…Scott!

*Marty drives Doc home*

Warlock: What kind of car is that?

America: An old one.

*Marty is sleeping with his feet on the hoverboard*

Warlock: Multi-purpose hoverboard.

*TV show comes on, Howdy Doody time*

Warlock: What time is it?

America: Howdy Doody time.

*Doc sees Marty and freaks out. Doc: Nooooo! It can’t be you!!!

America: Surprise!!!!!

*Doc doesn’t believe Marty is back. Marty shows up his proof….A LETTER!”

America: Hahahaha

*Doc reads the letter. The DeLorean is buried in a mine. Doc says to find it and go home, don’t come back from him. He says to take care of Einstein. 1955 Doc thinks its THE Albert Einstein*

Warlock: Not exactly.

*Copernicus the dog whines*

Warlock: Who is Copernicus?

America: Not a clue.

*Doc: Look at the bright side, there are plenty of worse places than to be than the old west. I could have ended up in the Dark Ages. They would have burned me at the stake as a heretic or something.*

Warlock: He’s probably right.

*Copernicus has a light on his head as he leads the way*

Warlock: Neyz would love that.

*Doc and Marty blow the mineshaft open and find the DeLorean that’s been there for 70 years. The tires are completely disintegrated*

Warlock: Take it to Texaco.

*Doc reveals he’s always wanted to be a cowboy*

Warlock: I want to be a cowboyyyy bayyybeeee

*Copernicus stumbles upon the grave of Doc Brown and whines*

America: Anytime a dog whimpers, its generally not a good sign.

*Marty finds the grave and freaks out. Apparently Doc was killed a week after he sent the letter. Buford Tannen shot him in the back. They find a picture of Doc next to the clock tower. Marty vows to get Doc back despite what the letter says.*

Warlock: A real hero.

*Marty is dressed absolutely ridiculous*

Warlock: Oh…yeah…he’ll blend.

*Doc goes over the plan. He and Marty are at a drive-in theater on the outskirts of town. Its the only place he can drive to that wasn’t populated in 1985. Marty takes off*

America: Here goes nothing.

*Marty is transported to 1885 where he is chased by real Indians on horseback. They throw spears and shoot arrows at him. Marty makes it to the cave mentioned by Doc as the Indians ride past him. Almost gets run over by the US cavalry in hot pursuit of the Indians. One of the arrows nailed the fuel line. All of a sudden a bear appears and scares Marty*

Warlock: Look out its Gentle Ben!

America: That ain’t gentle.

*Marty drops the boots he was supposed to wear and the bear eats them*

America: Your boots Marty! How are you gonna blend in now?

*Marty falls down a hill and smashes through a wooden fence*

Warlock: Ow.

*Marty wakes up in Maggie and Sheamus McFly’s residence. Maggis is Lea Thompson and Shaemus is Michael J Fox. Maggie asks what his name is. He answers Clint Eastwood*

Warlock: Wonderful cover up.

*William McFly is their baby. He’s Marty’s great-grandfather, the first McFly born in the US.*

Warlock: Wonderful history lesson.

*Seamus wonders how McFly has no boots, hat or horse*

Warlock: The hat gives him the swagger.

*Maggie: Seamus..a word!”

America: She’s not happy!!

*Seamus says William doesn’t take to strangers but he does to Marty. Marty picks him up and William pees on him*

Warlock: I can’t imagine holding my great-grandfather like that.

*Marty walks around Hill Valley 1885 looking ridiculous and wearing Seamus’ bolar hat. He watches the Clock Tower being built*

Warlock: Good grief, the donkey looks better than him.

*Marty avoids getting run over by a wagon by stepping in horseshit*

Warlock: Ewwwwwwwwww

*Marty enters the saloon. The patrons heckle his outfit. He asks for water and the bartender tells him to stick his head in the horse trough.*

Warlock: Belly up to the bar Mr. Ed.

*Mad Dog Tannen walks in with his gang. They taunt Marty. Mary calls him Mad Dog and everyone scatters. An irate Tannen gets mad because he hates that name. He shoots at Marty’s feet and makes him dance. Marty starts moonwalking then jumps, Michael Jackson style, on a floor panel that causes the spittoon to fly in the air and dump on Tannen. The gang chase Marty outside and they lasso him, drag him through the streets and attempt to hang him from the clock tower. Doc shoots him down with a primitive sniper rifle*

Warlock: Here I come to save the dayyyyyyyyyyyyy

*Tannen yells that Doc owes him 80 dollars. 75 for the horse and 5 for the whiskey bottle he broke. Tannen says to watch his back or else he’ll get a bullet in it. Doc tells him to get lost. Tannen’s gang leaves and Doc and Marty embrace. Doc asks what idiot dressed him like that, Marty says “You did.”

America: Idiot!

*Doc sees the picture Marty took of the grave, realizes Marty’s right when he says he came back from stopping Doc get shot.*

America: There’s a good drinking game. Drink every time someone learns something about their future.

*Doc reveals he’s supposed to meet Clara Clayton the next day. Doc poo-poo’s the notion that he’ll fall in love, especially since they’re leaving. Marty casually says he ripped the fuel line and Doc’s face sinks. Marty says its no big deal because they have Mr. Fusion but Doc reveals that without gasoline, the DeLorean won’t run. They try to drag it on horse and carriage but it won’t work because the fastest horses in the world only go 35 mph.*

Warlock: Yeah that won’t work.

*Doc tries pouring whiskey into the gas tank, they blow the fuel injection manifold.*

Warlock: That’s the dumbest thing they could have done.

*Doc figures out the only thing that can push a DeLorean up to 88 by train. Marty ask the conductor if he can get it up to 90. The conductor says “Tarnation, son, who’d ever need to be in such a hurry?”

Warlock: Mush! Mush! Mush!

*The conductor says if they get a long enough stretch and the steam gets hot enough, yes it can be done. Doc finds the perfect spot over Clayton/Shonash Ravine. Only problem is the bridge hasn’t been completed yet.*

America: All they have right now is the equivalent of a ski jump for trains.

*Marty says they can’t just wait around for a year and a half for the bridge to be completed*

Warlock: Wouldn’t be much a movie if they did. Just sitting around playing cards while the bridge crew works on it.

*Doc says the bridge will be there in 1985 if it works. All of a sudden a woman being dragged by two runaway horses is speeding toward the ravine. Doc and Marty save her. Woman reveals herself to be Clara Clayton. Doc and Clara look at each other and its love at first sight*

Warlock: Awww isn’t that sweet.

*Clara’s wagon falls off a cliff and explodes*

America: So what can you do when you can’t have a typical car explosion since you have a wagon? Lots of flying paper! In the ensuing mess will look just as glorious!

*Doc escorts Clara to her residence. They share bonding and character development moments. Clara says she’s glad the snake spooked her horses or they wouldn’t have meant*

America: No it wasn’t, but…forgive the pun….it was your future!!!!

*Doc: I’m a scientist….er blacksmith*

America: Great save….not.

*Doc and Marty realize they just stopped the legend of Clayton Ravine from happening. Doc freaks out but Marty says not to worry, all they did was prevent the renaming of the Ravine*

America: Drinking game again.

*Back at the shop, Marty discovers the walkie talkies still work and Doc has built a scale model of the train derailment. After they run a demo, Clara shows up to the shop and they share more bonding moments with her telescope. Marty puts a halt to the mush mush and Clara asks if they’re going to the Festival that night.*

Warlock: No

America: Yes  *both at the same time*

*At the festival, the mayor christens the clock tower. Marty and Doc take a picture in front of the clock. ZZ Top plays an acoustic, country version of Doubleback*

Warlock: I’m looking high and low, don’t know where to go.

America: Got to doubleback my friend.

Warlock: The only way to find, what I left behind.

America: Got to doubleback again.

Both: Doubleback again!!

*Doc goes to dance with Clara as Marty proves he’s a crack shot at the target shooting range.*

Warlock: Wild gunman.

*Target range guy: Where’d you learn to shoot like that? Marty: Seven-eleven*

Warlock: Yeah, straight outta seven-eleven.

*Tannen’s gang goes to enter the party but Marshall Strickland stops him. Tannen gives up his guns and knife. Marshall tells his son to stress discipline*

Warlock: There you go.

*Marty runs into Seamus and Maggie. Notices a Frisbee pie dish and points it out*

Warlock: I see where this is going.

*Tannen pulls a derringer out of his hat when he spots Doc Brown. He corners Doc and threatens to kill him until Clara agrees to dance with Mad Dog. Clara kicks him in the shin and throws her down. Tannen goes to shoot Doc but Marty stops him by slinging the Frisbee dish at his hand. The gun goes off and Doc’s hat goes flying. Marty tells him to get lost but Mad Dog calls him yellow*

Warlock: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn

*Mad Dog: We’ll finish this now? Gang member: Can’t, Marshall has our guns. Mad Dog: Like I said, we’ll finish this tomorrow. Gang: Can’t, we’re robbing the stagecoach. Mad Dog: What about Monday, we doing anything Monday?*

Warlock: Busy man

*Mad Dog: If you ain’t here Monday, I’ll shoot you down like a duck. Gang: That’s dog!*

Warlock: Duck Hunt! Lots of subtle Nintendo references.

*Target range guy gives him the Colt Peacemaker and ammo for the duel…..but gets it back if he loses*

Warlock; Great confidence.

*Seamus tells Marty to walk away and not to fight. Marty says not to worry about it. Seamus reveals his brother Martin was killed during a saloon brawl because someone called him a coward*

America: Not a very good knife fighter was he?

*Doc and Clara share bonding moments while looking at stars.*

America: I think I’m going to fall asleep.

Warlock: Time for a nap.

*Next morning shows automatic breakfast being cooked*

Warlock: I want some scrambed eggs!

*Marty quotes Taxi and Dirty Harry in the mirror*

Warlock: Anymore clichés?

*Marty walks around town and the town Undertaker asks if he wants a new suit*

Warlock: He’s just dying for one.

*Undertaker shows up and says the odds are 2-1 against him as he takes measurements for Marty’s coffin. Doc pulls out picture of his grave and his name is erased, says Marty may take his place. He says Marty gets into an accident in the future because of his temper. Next scene shows Doc saying he’ going to stay because he loves Clara. Marty talks him out of it. They load the DeLorean onto the train tracks. Doc says he has to say goodbye to Clara. Marty suggests to take her with them. Doc says no.*

Warlock: Finally thinking with the right head.

*As Marty sleeps by the fire. Doc visits Clara and tells her he has to leave. He tells the truth but she doesn’t believe him and throws him out*

America: Told you she wouldn’t believe him.

*Doc goes to the saloon and starts spilling his guts to the bartender and the patrons*

Warlock: Cheers, a hundred years earlier.

*Marty wakes up and says ow*

Warlock: He slept on a gun, what did he expect?

*Marty realizes he’s gonna be late so he runs to town to get Doc. Tannen wakes his gang up and makes his way to town. Meanwhile Doc’s still at the bar babbling about the future. Nobody believes him of course*

America: Seriously?

*Marty shows up to the saloon. Doc says “let’s go” and takes a shot of whiskey. He falls through a table and the bartender says he’ll be out all day unless they make some wake up juice.*

Warlock: I need some of that after watching the mushy scenes.

*Doc wakes up briefly to stick his head in the trough before passing back out. Seamus wanders into the saloon as Tannen’s gang makes it to town. Mad Dog calls out Marty. Marty says he forfeits. Tannen asks what that means. His gang member says that Tannen wins without a fight. Mad Dog has none of that and counts to 10. One of the patrons says if Marty doesn’t go out there, Clint Eastwood would be known as the biggest yellow belly in the west*

Warlock: Can’t have that can we?

*As the count reaches 10, Marty says…”He’s an asshole! I don’t care what Tannen says, I don’t care what anyone else says either. Doc comes to and they both go out the back. The gang spots them and shoots at them both. Off in the distance a train takes off, with Clara on it. Two guys talk about how much Doc loves Clara and she hears it.*

Warlock: Here comes more mush.

*Tannen’s gang captures Doc and Doc says to go on without him. Mad Dog gives Marty one minute to decide, run away or fight. Meanwhile back on the train, Clara realizes that Doc loves her. Meanwhile back to town, Marty walks out and agrees to duel Mad Dog. Marty refuses to shoot and says he thought they could settle it like men. Tannen says he’s wrong and draws first, shooting Marty down. Mad Dog stands over him and cocks his gun, Marty kicks the gun out of his hand. Mad Dog throws a punch but Marty had a piece of lead under his poncho. Marty beats the daylights out of Mad Dog in a fistfight and he falls into a wagon of manure. The sheriff shows up and the gang members beat a hasty retreat. The sherriff arrests Mad Dog as Marty and Doc say they have to go. Marty tosses Seamus the gun and says its never been used. Seamus says he’ll trade it for a new hat. Clara runs back to Doc’s stable and finds the demo, realizes Doc was telling the truth all along. She jacks a horse and rides off after the train as well.*

Warlock: Its time for the exciting conclusion!

America: Oh boy!

*Doc and Marty make it to the train. They run across and put their masks on*

Warlock: They have time to rob it before they go.

*Doc pulls a gun on the conductor. Tells him to beat it once they get to the switch track.  The conductor unhooks the rest of the cargo and Doc/Marty take off*

Warlock: What humanitarians.

*Doc and Marty load the makeshift bombs that will make the train engine burn hot enough to get them to 90 mph. They take the tires off the DeLorean to use to burn*

Warlock: Even if they get back, they wouldn’t be able to move.

America: Uh…the fuel line’s dead and the injector’s shot, it wasn’t going to work anyway.

Warlock: Oh yeah.

America: Idiot!!

*Marty and Doc throw in the bombs and get ready to leave. All of a sudden Clara rides to the train and jumps on. Clara honks the horn to get her attention. Doc notices and goes back to get her. Clara tries to make her away across but she falls. Marty tosses Doc the hoverboard and he uses it to bring her to safety rather than jump in the DeLorean. Marty shuts the doors and gets transported back to 1985*

Warlock: Doc didn’t make it?

America: Noooooooo!!!!!

Warlock: What are we gonna do now?

*Back in 85, the ravine is now called Eastwood Ravine*

Warlock: Oh ha ha…saw that coming.

*Marty dives out of the DeLorean as a train approaches and destroys it*

Warlock: Little did we know how rare DeLorean’s would become.

*America stands and salutes the wreckage*

*Marty goes back to his house. Everyone is back to normal. Biff hands him the keys to the 4×4 and opens the door for him*

Warlock: So much for Mad Dog.

*Marty drives to Jennifer’s house. He kisses her to wake her up*

Warlock: Sleeping beauty…wonderful.

*Marty drives to Hilldale and Jennifer realizes it wasn’t a dream. All of a sudden Needles and his gang shows up.*

Warlock: Give it away, give it away, give it away now?

America: That was the worst rendition I’ve ever heard. I’m gonna go bury my head in sand now.

*Needles challenges Marty to a drag race. Marty declines until Needles calls him a chicken. Tells Jennifer to hold on. As the light turns green, Marty hits reverse and Needles flies forward. Needles narrowly avoids an incoming Rolls Royce. Jennifer checks her pocket and the fax of Marty being fired is erased*

Warlock: I’m drunk….

America: Yeah no kidding.

*Marty and Jennifer drive to the DeLorean wreckage and pulls out the pic of Doc in front of the clock tower. Suddenly the train alarm goes off but there’s no one around. Marty: What the hell?” Suddenly a train appears out of nowhere with Doc in it. Doc introduces Clara and their sons Jules and Verne. Doc reveals he had to come back for Einstein. He gives Marty a package and its a framed picture of them in front of the clock tower. Jennifer tells Doc the note from the future is erased, Doc says of course. It means the future hasn’t been written yet. Doc tells them to make their future a good one. The movie ends with the time machine bullet train flying in the air*

Warlock: You know…a DeLorean I candle. That…not so much.

America’s assessment: It was good. I dig the soundtrack.

Warlock: I loved it, another good one.

America: Yeah, we always pick the great ones.

Warlock: Yeah…wonder if we didn’t?

America: Yeah….wonder what that would be like?

Warlock: I dread to think.

*As the two ponder, back in 2015 Warlock and America return. They pull up to the driveway, get out and walk into the lair. America goes to use the bathroom as Warlock goes to pick a movie from the rack.*

Warlock: Wait a minute….America, get out here.

*America walks out of the bathroom*

America: What’s up?

*Warlock points to his movie collection*

Warlock: Half my movies are gone. Did you take them?

America: Hell no, I was with you remember?

Warlock: Call Wallstreet, maybe he knows.

*America pulls out his phone and calls Wallstreet’s phone, after the third ring he answers*

Wallstreet: Hello?

America: Wallstreet, have you seen Warlock’s movies?

Wallstreet: Who is this?

America: Very funny, have you been here without telling us?

Wallstreet: I have no idea who you are or what you’re talking about.

America: If this isn’t (real name), I’m sorry if I have the wrong number.

Wallstreet: Yeah, that’s my name. Who is this?

America: How do you not recognize me, its (real name).

Wallstreet: Wow, there’s a name from the past.

*Warlock butts in*

Warlock: From the past? You were here last week!

Wallstreet: I know that voice, who is that?

Warlock: You gotta be kidding, its (real name).

Wallstreet: Oh wow, another name from the past. Are you guys hanging out?

*Warlock and America look at each other*

America: Where are you right now?

Wallstreet: Uh, I’m at home.

Warlock: When was the last time you were here? My movies are gone.

Wallstreet: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen you guys in years.

*America looks confused as Warlock begins to figure it out*

Warlock: When was the last time you saw us?

Wallstreet: God, it has to be…what 11 years now?

America: ELEVEN YEARS??

Warlock: Where are you now, Florida?

Wallstreet: Uh yeah, I haven’t left here in years.

Warlock: Well then sorry we bothered you, hope you’re doing well. *to America* Hang up.

Wallstreet: No bother, maybe we should hang out……

*America hangs up*

America: What the fuck is that about?

Wallstreet: Oh shit…..shit…shit….shit…When we went back to 2003, we must have fucked something up.

*America’s phone buzzes*

Warlock: Is it Wallstreet?

America: No, I don’t recognize the number.

*America answers*

America: Hello? Who is this?

Voice: What do you mean who is this?

*Warlock whispers new phone*

America: I just got a new phone, lost my contacts.

Harris: Oh…its Harris. Are we still on for Insidious 2?

America and Warlock: HARRIS???

Harris: Yeah, who else would it be? You invited me over.

Warlock: *whispers* Harris? We haven’t seen him in years.

America: Must have slipped my mind, when will you be here?

Harris: 10 minutes. See you soon.

America: Yeah, ok.

*Harris hangs up*

America: Yeah we definitely fucked something up. We have to do something. He’s gonna be here in 10 minutes.

Warlock: Alright I have an idea.

America: What?

*Warlock grabs the extra plutonium in the closet and walks out the door*

America: Where are we going? *follows him out*

Warlock: You aren’t going anywhere. *Warlock loads the car* You’re staying here in case Harris shows up, I’m going back to find out what the hell happened.

*Warlock gets in his car and starts the motor*

America: No wait, that could take a while…what if…

*Warlock drives off*

America: Shit…..

*Off in the distance he hears the thunder crack*

America: No what?

*All of a sudden the thunder cracks and Warlock’s car appears in front of America*

America: Damn

Warlock: How long was I gone?

America: Like 10 seconds.

Warlock: Good, get in.

*America gets in*

Warlock: So here’s the deal. I’ve been back and forth over the years and I found out what the hell happened. Remember when we went back and slipped ourselves the DVD? Well guess what, we were supposed to go to Blockbuster that night. That was the night we rented S.I.C.K.

America: S.I.C.K.? Oh god…yes…I remember that movie, yikes.

Warlock: Well we never watched it, meaning we never got into watching crappy movies. Since we never got into crap, Harris didn’t stop hanging out with us, meaning we never connected with Wallstreet the way we did while he was in Florida. Meaning he’s never had a reason to come back. Its if the past 12 years never existed. We need to go back and stop ourselves.

America: I can do without the crappy movies, but not Wallstreet. Let’s go.

*They drive off, set the time circuits for 2003 and hits the gas..the lightning cracks*

Warlock: Here we go…again.

TO BE CONCLUDED

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