23. Back To The Future (1985)

bttf

*Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, Hill Valley City Limits t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a can of Pepsi Throwback*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and flame emanates from his hand before closing it and walking inside*

Warlock: Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet are not here today, but Neyzor Blades is. Say hi.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner. She’s wearing a bright orange t-shirt, blue sweats and black lipstick*

Neyz: No.

Warlock: Thanks a lot. Anyway since those two aren’t here, we may as well do a good movie. As you know today is October 26, 2015….30 years to the date of an iconic movie that we’ll be watching. BACK TO THE FUTURE!

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the movie box appears*

Neyz: Finally a good movie.

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s not waste any time, let’s put the plutonium through the flux capacitor, generate the 1.21 Gigawatts and get this show on the road.

*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “A young man is accidentally sent 30 years into the past in a time-traveling DeLorean invented by his friend, Dr. Emmett Brown, and must make sure his high-school-age parents unite in order to save his own existence.”

Neyzor Blades: A time traveling DeLorean??? Ya don’t say!!

*A Robert Zemeckis film*

Warlock: Finally something good.

*Opening scene shows a lot of clocks*

Neyz: Look at those clocks. I used to have the cat one.

*Camera shows 2 weeks worth of dog food*

Neyz: Ewwwwwww

*Marty McFly enters and calls the dog food disgusting*

Warlock: He should have tried it before judging, dammit!

*Marty jacks up the amps and plugs his guitar in*

Warlock: You may not wanna…

*Marty strums a chord, blows the amps and flies back 20 feet*

Warlock: …..Do that

*Marty’s aviators fall off*

Neyz: Hey look its Mr. America’s shades.

*Power of Love plays as Marty makes his way to school*

Neyz: Yeahhhhh

Warlock: Dat’s the POWER of loveeee.

*Strickland catches Marty late for school*

Warlock: Did principals ever wander the hallways looking for tardy students?

Neyz: Yes! I was one of them.

Warlock: I was never late, mostly asleep, but never late.

*Huey Lewis himself is holding auditions. Marty’s band is called The Pinheads*

Warlock: 3 years before Hellraiser.

*Huey cuts them off and say they’re too darn loud*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

Neyz: If its too loud, you’re too old!

*Marty says someday he’ll drive a 4×4*

Warlock: Sad thing is its been 30 years and that 4×4 would still look good today.

*Woman says to save the clock tower*

Warlock: I’d love to be there for the demolition.

*We’re introduced to Biff bullying Marty’s father George*

Warlock: Still one of the greatest movie heels ever.

*Biff: Hello, McFly, anybody home? Think McFly think!*

Warlock: Hello, Neyz, anybody home?

Neyz: Touch me I cut your balls off.

*We’re introduced to Marty’s family. Lorraine is a drunk, David is a loser who works in fast food, Linda has no boyfriend. Lorraine never chased a boy in her life. George is watching The Honeymooners*

Warlock: I love that show.

*George laughs like a dork, Lorraine looks sad*

Neyz: That’s my face right now.

*Marty is asleep, there’s a can of Pepsi Free on his headboard*

Warlock: Remember that can for later.

*We’re introduced to Einsten the dog*

Neyz: Awww he’s a babies!

*Doc Brown backs the DeLorean out of the truck and onto the street*

Neyz: Look at that thing, it looks like a Matchbox car!

*Doc: If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit*

Warlock: Best line.

*Einstein travels to the future and leaves a streak of fire. Marty’s standing in the middle of it, unharmed*

Warlock: How did he not get burned?

*Doc reveals he sent Einstein one minute into the future. McFly: You built a time machine out of a DeLorean? Doc: If you’re gonna build a time machine out of a car, you may as well do it in style!*

Warlock: Better than a Yugo.

Neyz: Or a Pinto.

*October 26, 1985 is the current date on the readout*

Warlock: Hey that’s today’s date!

Neyz: No shit.

*Doc reveals the DeLorean needs plutonium to time travel. He ripped the plutonium off of Libyan terrorists who wanted him to build a bomb. Instead he gave them a bomb casing with pinball machine parts*

Warlock: So much for the pinball wizard.

*Doc tells Marty he’s on his way to the future. He leaves the plutonium outside the car. Just then the Libyan terrorists show up in a Winnebago.*

Warlock and Marty: HOLY SHIT!!!

*Terrorists shoot Doc and Marty dives into the DeLorean. Marty drives away and doesn’t notice the input date is November 5, 1955. The terrorist then forgoes the AK-47 for a Bazooka*

Warlock and Marty: HOLY SHIT!

*Marty: Let’s see if you bastards can do 90!*

Warlock: No wait, don’t!

*Marty travels back in time to 1955, hits a scarecrow and lands in a barn still wearing his radiation suit*

Neyz: What am I hearing?

*Peabody family investigates the DeLorean. Marty pops out in his radiation suit, scares everyone away*

Warlock: Yeah that went over well.

Neyz: Look what you did, you pissed off the cows.

*Old Man Peabody shoots at Marty with a shotgun and misses*

Warlock: Bad aim.

*Marty drives off and runs over the pine tree, Peabody goes berserk and blows his own mailbox away*

Warlock: USPS is going to be PISSED.

*Marty drives by his street, its not even built yet*

Neyz: Holy shit.

*Car passes by, passenger tells driver not to pick up Marty*

Warlock: Unfriendly drivers.

*Marty is out of gas and plutonium, hides car behind Lyon Estates sign*

Warlock: Yeah, like no one will find it…

*Marty walks down main street Hill Valley, 1955*

Warlock: I would have fit right in here.

Neyz: No you wouldn’t.

*Car drives by saying to re-elect Mayor Red Thomas*

Warlock: Look at that car.

Neyz: Forget the car, look at the face on it!

*Marty walks into coffee shop, owner yells at him. George is sitting there having breakfast. Marty asks for a Pepsi Free. Mr Carruthers: If you want a Pepsi pal you’re gonna pay for it!*

Warlock: Yeah you cheap bastard.

*Biff and his gang walk in*

Warlock: Look at that, Billy Zane and Casey Siemaszko are his sidekicks. They’d go on to have equal, if not better careers than Biff.

*Biff bullies George, picks on Marty and leaves. Goldie Wilson (the future mayor) tells him to stand up for himself. Says he’s going to be something. Marty says he’s going to be mayor. Goldie loves that idea and says he’s going to clean up this town. Mr. Carruthers: Good, you can start by sweeping the floor.*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

*George rides his bike away, Marty takes off in hot pursuit. Catches him in a tree spying on Lorraine getting dressed. Marty: He’s a peeping Tom!*

Warlock: In broad daylight to boot.

*George falls from the tree into the middle of the street. A car approaches, Marty shoves him out of the way and gets hit by the car that was intended to hit George*

Warlock: And now, history altered.

*Marty wakes up in Lorraine’s bedroom. She calls him Calvin. Lorraine: That’s your name isn’t it? Calvin Kleine, its written all over your underwear.*

Warlock: Least it wasn’t Fruit of the Loom.

*We’re introduced to Lorraine’s family. Her mother Stella, father Sam, brothers Toby, Milton, Sally and little baby Joey in his crib. Marty: So you’re my uncle Joey. Better get used to these bars kid.*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha

*Sam gets the TV to work, watching Honeymooners*

Warlock: Told you I’d fit right in.

*Marty reveals he has two televisions. Recognizes the Man from Space episode. Milton says its brand new. Marty says its a re-run. Milton asks what’s a re-run. Marty: You’ll find out*

Warlock: Yeah, we all will.

Marty asks for directions on how to get to Doc’s place. Marty: A block past Maple, that’s John F Kennedy drive. Sam: Who the hell is John F Kennedy?

Warlock: Hahahahahahahaha.

*Marty runs into Doc who tries to read his thoughts, he can’t. Doc: You know what this means? It means this DAMN THING DOESN’T WORK AT ALL!”

Warlock: Great line.

*Doc: Who’s president in 1985. Marty: Ronald Reagan. Doc: Ronald Reagan? The actor? Who’s vice president, Jerry Lewis?”

Warlock: May as well be Lewis.

*Doc who doesn’t believe he’s from the future. Marty convinces him by telling the story of how Doc invented the flux capacitor. Doc jumps for joy when he finds out the time machine is real.*

Warlock: Even a weirdo like Brown believes him.

*Marty shows Doc the footage of himself in the future talking. Doc: ONE POINT TWENTY ONE GIGAWATTS!!! Marty: What the hell is a gigawatt! Doc reveals there’s no plutonium in 1955 available. Doc reveals the only power source that can generate 1.21 gigawatts is a bolt of lightning. Marty shows him the Clock Tower flier. Doc says next Saturday night they have a chance to get him home. Doc: Next Saturday night we’re sending you back to the future!*

Warlock: Saturday Night’s Main Event, a bolt of lighting vs the clock tower!

*Doc reveals that since Marty got hit instead of George, Marty will never exist until he repairs the damage. Doc asks which one is his dad, Marty reveals its the nerd getting kicked in the butt. Doc: Maybe you were adopted!”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Strickland berates George instead of help him. Marty: Did Strickland EVER have hair? Doc: What did your mother ever see in him? Marty: I don’t know*

Warlock: Well it doesn’t matter now.

*Marty tries to get Marty and Lorraine together but fails, Lorraine likes him more.*

Warlock: Blerggghhhhh.

*Marty tries to get George to ask Lorraine out. George is a budding science fiction writer but is afraid no one would like his stories. Marty tries to get George to ask her to the Enchanted Under the Sea dance.  George noticed Biff hitting on her, Marty goes to stop him*

Neyz: Blergghhhhh

*Marty and Biff shove each other, is stopped by Strickland*

Warlock: He’s got more balls than his father.

*George tells Marty that nobody on his planet is going to make him ask Lorraine out. Late at night, Marty puts on his radiation suit and plays an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo to wake him up before proclaiming himself to be Darth Vader from planet Vulcan.*

Neyz: Hilarious!

*Marty can’t get bottle of pepsi open, George uses the bottle opener on the vending machine to open it. Marty looks at it with a “oh that’s what its for” look on his face*

Warlock: Haha they need those bottles and opener now.

*George: Lou,…milk….chocolate. Lou shoots glass of milk, he catches it in midstride and drinks*

Warlock: That must have took about 7 takes.

*Biff walks in and bullies George. Marty trips him, punches him in the face and runs away.  Biff chases him in his 46 Ford while Marty is on a makeshift skateboard*

Warlock: I want that car.

*Biff goes to ram Marty. Marty literally jumps in the car, walks over everyone and jumps out. Biff and gang end up crashing a car into a manure truck. Goldie Wilson is the first on the scene and he holds his nose*

Neyz: Ha!!!!

*Doc is watching his death scene over and over again. Doc tells him not to tell him anything about the future. Doc shows Marty the plan of how he’s going to be sent home. He uses a model car as a demonstration. The simulation fries the car and it drives into Doc’s laundry, setting it on fire. Doc: HUHHHHHH!”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha

*Lorraine shows up at Doc’s lab. Marty introduces him as his uncle much to his chagrin. Lorraine says George is cute but she likes Marty more because he’s stronger. Marty reluctantly agrees to go with her. Marty hatches a plan with George that he’s going to molest Lorraine and George is going to rescue her. George: Hey you, get your damn hands off her!”

Warlock: Yeah that’ll work.

*Doc and Marty have a sob scene for great character development. Marty writes him a letter saying what will happen to him and to take precaution.  The envelope is from Lou’s Café*

Warlock: Talk about a home base.

*Doc is harassed by a cop as Marty slips the letter into his jacket. Next scene is the dance where Marvin Berry and the Starlighters plays Night Train while George awkwardly dances*

Warlock: I can dance better than that.

*Lorraine drinks and smokes in the car. Marty tells her not to. Lorraine: “Marty you’re beginning to sound just like my mother” Mary gives her a weird look*

Warlock: Grandma??

*Lorraine kisses Marty, he reluctantly goes along*

Neyz: Blahhhh I’m gonna throw up in my mouth.

*Lorraine freaks out. She says its wrong and its like kissing her brother. Marty: Yeah, that makes perfect sense*

Warlock: Thank god for that.

*Biff appears with his gang saying he cost 300 dollars damage to his car. Match punches Marty as Biff molests Lorraine. His gang throws Marty in the trunk of Marvin Berry’s car much to the piano player’s protest. 3D: Beat it spook this doesn’t concern you. Entire band gets out of car. Marvin: “Who you callin spook, peckerwood?” The gang backtracks and Skinhead says “Look  I don’t want to mess with no reefer addicts” as the band chases them away. Marty says the keys are in the trunk*

Neyz: That’s some goooood shit.

Warlock: They’re smoking a cigarette.

Neyz: No that’s a joint. Look at how he’s holding it.

*George opens the car door to stop Marty, but its Biff instead. Marvin gets Marty out of the trunk but cuts his hand in the process. Biff puts him in an armbar and shoves down Lorraine. Biff laughs at her as George gets mad and knocks him out with a left haymaker.*

Warlock: SEVEN…EIGHT…NINE…TEN…YOU’RE OUT!!

*George pulls Lorraine up and they look at each other sweetly. Marty smiles until he sees his picture continuing to disappear. Meanwhile the storm approaches. Back to Marty who goes to the band and tries to get them to play, Marvin can’t because he cut his hand. Marvin asks if anyone else can play guitar. Next scene shows Marty playing guitar as Marvin sings*

Warlock: Convenient.

*Malachi from Children of the Corn steals Lorraine from George and George walks away. Marty begins to fade. He cries out for George. All of a sudden George shoves down Malachi and kisses Lorraine, causing Marty to pop up like Popeye. His future is saved*

Neyz: Yayyyyyyyy.

*Marty plays Johnny B Goode on guitar, Marvin calls his cousin Chuck (get it, Chuck Berry?) and says to listen to this*

Warlock: Yeah…right.

*Marty freaks everybody out with his excessive power chords, band and dancers alike*

Neyz: He’s fucking it up!

*Marty: I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it. Lorraine: Marty that was very interesting music!*

Warlock: That’s hilarious.

*Marty: One other thing. If you guys ever have kids, and one of them when he’s 8 years old accidentally sets fire to the living room rug, go easy on him*

Warlock: POW! PING! BAM!

*Doc: Damn where is that kid? Damn! Damn damn!*

Warlock and Neyz: Damn!

*Doc: Do you have no concept of time?? Marty: I had to change. I wasn’t going to go back in that zoot suit!*

Warlock: Better than a top hat and coattails.

*Doc and Marty go over the plan. They hug. Doc finds Marty’s letter and tears it up. A branch falls and knocks the cable out. Doc has to go back up to the tower to put it back in. Marty tries to tell him about the future but can’t. Doc tells him to get in the DeLorean and go. Marty jumps in and the car won’t start. In a tense scene, Marty gets it started as Doc is able to hook the cable back in precisely when the lightning strikes. Marty hits it…sending him back to 1985*

Warlock: Success!

Neyz: Great Scott!

*Back in 1985, Red the Bum calls Marty a crazy drunk driver when he appears. Marty gets out of the car and celebrates. “Red you look great!” Marty has ten extra minutes but the DeLorean is dead. He watches the terrorists drive by*

Warlock: Hey guys can I hitch a ride?

*Marty runs to Doc at the mall but Doc’s shot anyway. Marty watches himself drive off and the terrorists crash their Winnebago. Marty checks on Doc who comes alive. He was wearing a bulletproof vest. Marty: “How did you know?” Doc pulls out the letter that was supposedly torn. Doc: “Well I figured, what the hell!”

Warlock: Yayyyyyy!

*Doc drives off saying he’s going 30 years in the future. Marty says he’ll be 47 then and to look him up. Doc drives off and Marty goes home to sleep. Wakes up the next morning to Back In Time by Huey Lewis and The News.*

Neyz: That’s so creepy right now.

*Marty walks downstairs and everything is different. Linda is now a boy magnet, David works for an office. George and Lorraine walking in looking younger than ever. Lorraine says she loves Jennifer and the date is on. Marty says the car is wrecked. Marty walks out and Biff is working for George now. Biff’s Auto Detail does car wax. Biff runs in with a package and its George’s first novel. Biff hands Marty the keys to a car. Marty sees the 4×4 in the garage and Jennifer appears. Jennifer says to take her for a ride.

Warlock: Wow.

*Doc shows up in the DeLorean with Mr. Fusion attached to it. Doc says their kids are in trouble. They all pile into the DeLorean and Marty says they don’t have enough road to hit 88 mph. Doc: “Roads, where we’re going we don’t need….roads.” The DeLorean then flies in the air as the credits roll to Back In Time*

Neyz: I thoroughly enjoyed that…better than the crap we usually watch.

Neyzor Blade’s assessment: 10 out of 10…perfect.

Warlock’s assessment: I agree, 10 out of 10…perfect movie.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Always nice to watch a great movie. Make no mistake, this was one of the quintessential 80’s movies. It blended a believable (to a point) storyline, great soundtrack, great cast and great one liners to make a perfect movie. I can only think….

*Suddenly Mr. America burst through the door*

Warlock: Oh sure, NOW you show up!

Mr. America: Damn, did I miss it?

Warlock: Yup, sorry dude.

Mr. America: Can we watch the second movie?

Warlock: Already did.

Mr. America: What about the third?

Warlock: You and I have already seen it, many times.

Mr. America: Damn….

Warlock: Unless……..

Mr. America: What?

*Neyz rises from the couch*

Neyz: Guys I gotta go.

Warlock: Awwww, ok.

*Neyz leaves*

America: What are you thinking?

Warlock: Well you and I have seen it….but there was a time we hadn’t.

America: What do you mean?

Warlock: Come with me!

*Warlock grabs the dvd of Back to the Future 3 as he and America walk outside, Neyz has already driven away*

Warlock: I actually have a flux capacitor in my car.

America: Wait…what? How did you?

Warlock: Nevermind that now, nevermind that now. Either way, why don’t we go back in time, slip this movie to our younger selves so we can have a commentary of it?

America: That’s ridiculous, we can’t go back in time in this thing!

Warlock: Oh yeah?

*Warlock drives to the end of the block, turns around and hits the gas. All of a sudden the car starts cracking lightning*

America: What the fuck? Its working? How the…..

*The lightning cracks a final time and the boys are off, to October 2003*

TO BE CONTINUED

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