22. Dollman (1991)

dollman_poster

*The Warlock is sitting on the right side of the couch. He’s wearing a Big Island University football jersey #95 with the name Kincaide on the back, jeans and sneakers. Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner wearing a Big Island University football jersey #7 with the name Kincaide on the back, jeans and sneakers. Mr. America is sitting on the left side of the couch wearing a Big Island University football jersey #86 with the name Kincaide on the back, jeans and sneakers. There’s a big bowl of potato chips on the coffee table and everyone’s holding a glass of soda*

The Warlock: Alright, almost time for kickoff.

Mr. Wallstreet: So which Kincaide am I?

The Warlock: I have no idea. I’m Derek and he’s Sam.

Mr. America: Why the hell am I Sam?

The Warlock: Because he’s got a gun.

Mr. America: Oh ok.

Mr. Wallstreet: How much time until kickoff?

Mr. America: What does your watch say?

Mr. Wallstreet: It doesn’t say anything, you have to look at it.

*The doorbell rings*

The Warlock: Who the hell could that be?

*Warlock goes and opens the door, no one is there. The Warlock looks down and notices a box outside his door*

Warlock: Uh…guys?

*Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America walk outside*

The Warlock: Did either of you drop this box off?

*Wallstreet picks up the box*

Wallstreet: No.

America: No…..if that’s another movie pack I swear I’m going to get my bazooka.

*Warlock reads the return address label*

Warlock: Oh, its from Nate at the toy factory.

America: Oh ok.

*Wallstreet opens the box, inside is a Dollman action figure and Dollman dvd*

Warlock: What the hell is this?

*Wallstreet picks up the action figure, America picks up the DVD*

Wallstreet: Dollman?

America: Its a movie.

*The 3 walk inside. America pops the dvd in the player as Wallstreet examines Dollman*

Wallstreet: You think this has something to do with the movie?

Warlock: No, Nate just randomly dropped in there….of course it has something to do with the movie.

America: Wait, what about the game?

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the DVR record button turns on*

America: Oh ok.

*Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: Apparently tonight’s movie is Dollman. A 1991 movie about an intergalactic cop who’s only 12 inches tall.

*America takes his seat on the right side of the couch, Wallstreet back in the recliner*

America: I could make a dick joke but……

Wallstreet: You just did….

Warlock: Anyway, let’s stoke it up.

*Warlock takes his seat and reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A hard boiled, intergalactic policeman lands on earth where he is only 13 inches tall.”

America:  How much did they pay the guy to filter that intro?

*Opening credits*

Wallstreet: Humberto!!!

Mr. America: Don Day.

Warlock: And his Knights.

*Graphic: 10,000 light years from Earth on planet Arturos*

Mr. America: How the hell is that a dry dock?

*A fugitive is on the run*

Wallstreet: This guy looks like Harpo Marx

Mr. America: I love how this is supposed to be an advanced technology planet yet they still have grainy, black and white security footage.

*Fugitive crawls around and notices a large family staring at him. “Oh my god, oh my god. I’m so ANGRY with my life!”

America: What??

*Fugitive: “Back off or I kill the fat lady!”

Wallstreet: Warlock, save her!!!

*Cop: We got a BIG problem here*

America: I see what you did there.

Mayor: “Election is next week, I don’t need any dead fat ladies*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Intercom: Any civilian must remain behind the blockade or they will be arrested and shot”

Wallstreet: That’s harsh!

America: Wow!

*Brick Bardo shows up and says he’s going to catch the fugitive*

Wallstreet: Nice shades.

*Bardo non-chalantly walks into the hostage situation and does his laundry*

America: Don’t mind me here.

*Fugitive: Hey…what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

America: Laundry.

*Bardo scares the fat ladies into falling on top of the fugitives. Building rocks, fugitive is smushed*

America: What did the Richter Scale folks?

Wallstreet: We have a new problem here, an unstable building.

*Mayor: What the hell happened here?”

Warlock: He’s been standing outside, how the hell does he know what happened?

*Mayor goes berserk ordering Bardo fired and screaming at him*

Warlock: If they’re going for the Dirty Harry storyline, its overused.

*News says Bardo murdered everyone in the Laundromat*

Warlock: Now they’re ripping off The Running Man?

*A floating head hovers over Bardo, its Sprug*

Warlock: Not exactly Krang.

*Sprug admits to killing Bardo’s family. Says he’s going to blow the city up. Bardo: It won’t work. You’ll fuck it up. You always fuck it up.”

Warlock: So he’s threatening a ransom on Bardo why?

America: He always foils the plan.

Warlock: But why him?

America: He’s ahead of the situation.

Warlock: I see what you did there.

*Bardo blows away Sprug’s two cronies. Sprug escapes. One of the cronies that’s in pieces: “You’re just gonna walk away?”

America: Yup.

*Bardo gets in his own ship and chases Sprug through space*

Warlock: This CGI sucks.

*Sprug and Bardo crash land on Earth. Bardo’s ship is the size of a model airplane*

Warlock: That’s one way to save money.

*Upbeat soundtrack with a montage of inner city NY*

Warlock: Not exactly Straight Outta Compton.

America: No. Love how we have every single stereotype of a shithole town.

*3 Mexican hooligans randomly shoot a grocery store clerk*

Warlock: Could have at least stolen some gum or something.

*Debi beats the crap out of a drug dealer and scares the daylights out of him as she threatens to kill him*

Warlock: Best neighborhood watch ever.

*Captain Shuller campaigns to end crime*

America: Judging by the amount of crime being shown, the cops will do nothing.

*Debi walks down an alley alone. A gang of hooligans jump her and kidnap her. They take her to the site where Bardo landed*

Warlock: Convenient.

*Cholo threatens Debi and says not to mess with his business. She whacks him with a tire iron and leaves the van*

America: I’m sorry you had it coming. First of all you’re a scumbag, second of all you left a weapon with her in reach.

Wallstreet: Lovely city.

*Bardo wakes up and notices the hooligans catching up to and taking Debi down. He kills one of the hooligans, wounds another other. Since he’s so small, they don’t see him.*

Warlock: Best assassin ever.

*Bardo: Great..giants. A land full of giants. I hate giants.”

America: At least we know he hates giants.

*Debi stares at Bardo*

America: Uh, may I help you?

*Bardo reloads a clip by the rock. Checks the status of his ship, reloads again*

America: Why did he reload again?

*Debi: Who are you? Bardo: What am I worried about, this is just a bad dream. Debi: I must have a concussion. You are so small!”

Warlock: I’m waiting for the first dick joke.

*Debi: They’ll be back. Bardo: Those punks? No way. Debi: We have to get out of here! Bardo: I’m not going anywhere.  She literally picks up his ship and walks away. Warlock, Wallstreet and America all legitimately laugh*

Wallstreet: Hahahahaha. He doesn’t understand, she’s 5 feet something and he is 1.

America: You just landed on Earth. Welcome to frequent flier miles.

*Bardo screams to put him down and stutters doing it*

America: I need a vomit baggggggg.

*Rival gang finds Sprug. Sprug makes a deal with the thugs, help him and he’ll make them kings. They accept*

Warlock: Morons.

*Debi brings home spaceship and her son Kevin tries to play with it*

America: Nice name.

*Debi: Are you alright?  Bardo: Never felt better in my life.”

America: Liar!

*Kevin: What is it?  Debi: Its a little man, Kevin”

Warlock: Yes, nice name.

*Kevin: Are you from Mars, Venus?*

America: Keep guessing kid

*Bardo: I’m from Arturos. Kevin: Ohhh yeahhh”

Mr. America: Oh yeah, like he knows where that is. They teach him that in astrology class.

Wallstreet: Astrology class? That’s astronomy, not astrology!

America: Ohhh, of course Wallstreet! *sarcasm*

*Bardo notices cockroach approaching, blows it away and most of the table it was crawling on*

Mr. America: Well if he doesn’t make it home, he’ll have a second career as an exterminator.

*Debi admonishes Bardo for the gun use. Threatens to take the gun away if he uses it again. Back to the gang’s headquarters. Jackson tells the story and Hector is shot in the head by the gang leader. Strug tells the gang leader that Bardo’s on the loose and he’s a cop. Strug convinces leader to go find Debi since Bardo is with her*

Warlock: Anyone notice Hector is still on the ground moving?

America: The dude playing that part had ONE JOB!

*Kevin: Mister…are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

America: Go away brat!

*Kevin: Are people on your planet assholes like you?”

Warlock: Line of the movie right there.

*Kevin brings entire apartment complex to check out the ship and Bardo. Gerald and Kevin admonish Bardo before Debi throws him out. All of a sudden Mexican gang shows up. Leader is named Braxton. Braxton opens up the ship and Bardo kills EVERYBODY except Debi, Kevin and Braxton who gets away. There’s blood and gunshots everywhere*

America: Good luck explaining that one to the cops.

Wallstreet: Yeah, they’re probably used to it.

*Next frame shows the cops nodding and leaving Debi alone*

Wallstreet: She should be in jail right now explaining herself.

America: What kind of policing is that? Horrible, absolutely horrible.

Warlock: Probably told the cops Braxton went berserk.

*Sob story from Debi with Bardo consoling her. Kevin wakes up freaking out*

Warlock: He blew all the bad guys away. He should be jumping for joy.

*Braxton is shot, he stumbles into his hideout and sprawls out in front of Sprug. Sprug: I see you met Brick”

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Sprug cures Braxton and demands he work for him now. Braxton squashes Sprug dead and says he’s going after Brick*

Warlock: That’s a pretty shitty storyline. Wipe out the guy Bardo’s been chasing the whole movie leaving the only antagonist left…a human DEBI could kill?

*Bardo and Debi share horror stories about losing their spouses*

America: Bonding time!

*Bardo: Why don’t you run away? Debi: Where would I go?”

Warlock: Malibu!

America: GO WEST YOUNG MAN! GO WEST!

Wallstreet: That’s a hint, go west!

*Debi sends Kevin to school, says to Bardo she’s going to work. She locks Brick in the house as up tempo music plays*

Warlock: This soundtrack does not fit at all.

*Debi gossips with co-worker about Bardo. Co-worker: “I’d love to see a 13 inch man”

Warlock: I was waiting for that.

*Debi: My boss asked me to the Guns N Roses concert, I told him I don’t date mutant slime*

Warlock: Hey live and let die.

*Braxton and henchman pull up outside Debi’s work. Braxton starts bleeding. Henchman wonders why.  Next frame shows Gerald and Kevin working over Bardo’s ship much to Brick’s chagrin. Next frame shows women on the bus gossiping about Bardo. She gets off the bus, says goodbye to co-workers. Braxton and henchmen kidnap her as Kevin invites neighborhood into the apartment to check out Bardo. Girl from the bus runs up and says to release Brick because Braxton has Debi downstairs. Kevin screams “mommyyyyy” as Braxton lands a punch.

Warlock: A right hook. Now a left cross…a haymaker!

America: Are you ok?

*Neighborhood watch shows up with blunt objects to chase Braxton away. He and henchman drive away to their hideout with Debi in the back. Brick jumps out window and lands on car. Car drives to hideout where several armed guards do not notice Bardo hanging off the window*

Irate Mr. America: Are you kidding me? I don’t care if they know if it’s Bardo or not. How do you not notice something bigger than the freaking door handle that’s freaking suspicious?? Unless they think its birdshit and that didn’t come from no seagull.

Wallstreet: Its huggggeeeeee.

Warlock: More like a bald eagle.

*Henchman drives off as Braxton leads Debi inside*

America: Once again, how do they not see it?

Warlock: A lot of these hoodlums are wearing sunglasses and bandanas, probably can’t see him.

America: I don’t care! They’re morons!

*Camera shows Braxton bleeding half to death as Debi smokes.

Warlock: Excuse me while I…

America: Smoke.

*Bardo hides in a rock where a rat approaches*

Warlock: Its Mickey!

*Next frame shows Debi telling Braxton to stop this now. Braxton goes on a war speech about how “the man” doesn’t care about the streets*

Warlock: That’s hardly a face turn.

*Armed guards are waiting for action. Nothing happens, they get restless. “Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

Wallstreet: All in good time my dears!

*Henchman: Braxton its been 3 hours, he’s not gonna show.”

America: That’s what you think!

*Bardo grabs a piece of steel and whacks one of the guards in the face with it*

America: Batter up!

*Two vans and a car pull up, every armed guard gets in, guard wakes up and shoots at Bardo. Bardo kills him and blows up one of the vans that has “Fags” written on it. One of the guys on the walkie talkie says “What the fuck is going on?” Bardo “Urban fucking renewal!”

Warlock, America and Wallstreet: Hahahhahahaaha!

*Bardo somehow shoots and blows the other van and car, all the guards are dead.  Debi runs away with Braxton hobbling behind, shooting at her*

Warlock: This is the least intimidating final boss I’ve ever seen.

*Braxton shoots at Debi with a mack-10, somehow doesn’t get her once, she runs into what looks like a boiler room with Braxton shouting invectives. Braxton: “Goodbye Debi”  Bardo: “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size you puke?”  Braxton sees Bardo and shoots at him.

America: Its a mirror.

*Mirror shatters*

America: See, told you! 7 years bad luck for you buddy.

*Bardo pops out “You sack of pus!” Shoots Braxton’s arm off. “You remind me of a guy back home, I didn’t like him either” Suddenly Henchman appears with double uzi’s and shoots at Bardo, completely missing. Bardo shoots him allowing one armed Braxton to grab Bardo’s gun. Brick uses his hand mechanism to get his gun back. Brick goes to kill Braxton and Debi stops him*

Warlock: You gotta be kidding me.

*Bardo puts the gun down. Braxton pushes the button to the big bomb that Sprug threatened earlier. Really bad CGI shows nothing exploding*

Warlock: Not much budget is there?

*Bardo: So tell me size doesn’t matter*   *end credits*

Warlock: WAIT WHAT? NO FINAL SHOWDOWN WITH STRUG? WHAT THE HELL?

America: So when Braxton squished Strug, he really did kill him.

Wallstreet: I was waiting for the one on one showdown.

Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 4.5 out of 5, a whole point off for that gaffe.

Wallstreet: The storyline was kind of half assed. Some characters weren’t necessary. 5 out of 10

America: I give it a 4

Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10    Below average

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That about wraps up Dollman, that was about what I thought it was going to be.

*A voice from behind says: “Thanks, glad you enjoyed it.”

Warlock: Wallstreet, why are you thanking me?

Wallstreet: I didn’t….

Warlock: America?

*America walks out of the bathroom and zips up his pants*

America: What?

*Warlock and Wallstreet look around as the voice says “Over here”. Wallstreet, Warlock and America look on the coffee table and Brick Bardo is alive, voiced by Tim Thomerson*

Warlock: Holy shit he’s alive!

Bardo: No shit, I’m alive, why wouldn’t I be?

*America freaks out and reaches for his carbine*

America: ITS COMING RIGHT FOR US!!!!

Bardo: I’m not moving…..

*America drives behind the couch, gets up and starts shooting*

Warlock: ARE YOU AN IDIOT?? STOP THAT!

*Bardo avoids the bullets since he’s so small and makes his way to the window ledge*

Wallstreet: He’s getting away!

*Wallstreet lunges for him but misses*

Bardo: You punks are too violent for me.

Warlock: Wait!

*Brick jumps out the window*

America: I had him in my sights.

Warlock: Congratulations, instead you put a bunch of holes in the wall. You’re paying for the damage.

America: I protest, brother!

*Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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