21. The DUFF (2015)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black gargoyle shades, white tshirt, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock turns his head to the side and the floor rattles, then enters the lair*

The Warlock: With us tonight are two very special guests. With us tonight is Neyzor Blades.

*Neyzor Blades is on the left side of the couch, she’s wearing a black tanktop, pink sweats and white socks. She gives Warlock the finger*

The Warlock: Love you too. Also with us is Lady T

*Lady T is sitting in the recliner in orange pj pants and a red tanktop*

Lady T: HELLOOOOOOOOOO!!

The Warlock: Good thing for ear wax. Tonight’s tale is an off-beat comedy from 2015

Lady T: Better than prune juice I suppose.

*The Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

The Warlock: So without further adieu its time for The DUFF

*The Warlock reads the tagline*

The Warlock: “A high school senior instigates a social pecking order revolution after finding out that she has been labeled the DUFF – Designated Ugly Fat Friend – by her prettier, more popular counterparts.”

Neyzor Blades: Sounds stupid if you ask me.

*Opening graphic reads the school paper is The Potchfork*

Warlock: I bet that paper gets right to the point

Neyz: Of course

*Dude: Jess has the hottest ass, Casey has the hottest rack. Bianca has the hottest friends*

Warlock: Neyz has the hottest….

Neyz: Don’t you even think about it

*Gay guy: I would totally bang the shit out of her. But I wouldn’t like it*

Warlock: Very funny.

*Ken Jeong is Mr. Arthur*

Warlock: Hey look its the Asian dude from every single movie now.

Neyz: Hahahahaha

*Mr Arthur: We need that Bianca Piper magic!*

Warlock: Only he could get away with that.

*Mr Arthur starts making weird noises*

Lady T: Bahahahahaha

*Jess: This guy? Bianca: Tiny hands*

Warlock: Neyz you got baby hands!

Neyz: Shaddup!

*Wesley Rush = manwhore*

Warlock: Hahaha

*Bianca holds up a t-shirt that says My Party Shirt*

Lady T: That’s mineeee

*Allison Janney is Dottie Piper. She is Bianca’s mother*

Warlock: She always plays the quirky lady, its awesome.

*Song: MAKE DAT BOOTY POP!*

Lady T: Whoop woop *booty pops*

Neyz: Really?

*Wesley tells Caitlyn to take 5*

Warlock: Give her the 5 knuckle shuffle

*Jess and Casey try to get Bianca to dance*

Warlock: I can dance better than that.

Neyz: I can’t

Lady T: That’s because you stink on ice!
*Wesley calls Bianca the “DUFF” which means Designated Ugly Fat Friend*

Warlock: She’s not even fat. Put her thighs together and they’re the size of my left one. This is ridiculous.

*Next day at school Bianca calls Wesley a dickface*

Neyz: Yeah, tell him to stick it!

*Wesley compares calling Bianca the DUFF to Tony Romo not actually being a Cowboy*

Warlock: HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK???

*Dottie to Bianca: You look crazy*

Lady T: Me every day

*Bianca takes up two spaces on purpose*

Lady T: She has zero fucks to give today!

*Bianca confronts Jess and Casey*

Neyz: “Didn’t you see the way I parked my car over there, I’m pissed!”

*Bianca takes Casey and Jess off her facebook, they unfollow her twitter, IG, etc*

Warlock: They just ripped off The Guild.

Lady T: This is how kids fight today.

Warlock: Good god I’m old. I’m used to playground brawls.

*Bianca imagines making out in Toby*

Warlock: That’s hilarious.

*Bianca enlists the help of Wesley to get Toby to talk to her*

Warlock: So this movie stole from The Guild and 10 Things I Hate About You.

*Wesley takes Bianca to Victoria’s Secret*

Warlock: Now they’re ripping off…….nevermind.

*Wesley: You need to stop dressing like Wreck It Ralph*

Warlock: Hahahahahah

*Bianca and Wesley bond while trying on outfits*

Neyz: She’s such a bitch.

*Wesley films her using his phone. Bianca says if he posts that video she’ll rip his nuts off. A hidden Caitlyn films her as well*

Warlock: Uh oh, I see where this is going.

Neyz: Saw that a mile away.

*Wesley: You laughed! Bianca: I had a small stroke*

Warlock: Yeah she wants to strooooooke it.

*Bianca hits on nerdy guy*

Warlock: Yeah, that would never happen.

*Bianca starts learning how to talk to guys*

Warlock: So this is kind of ripping off She’s All That as well.

*Madison catches Wesley with Bianca. Wesley: Can we run?*

Warlock: You better run, better run for your life!

*Bianca talks guy talk with Dottie*

Warlock: Speaking of 10 Things I Hate About You, there’s Ms. Perky.

*Video is posted of Bianca at the mall*

Warlock: Oh now they’re ripping off Angus now. Does this movie have any originality?

*Principal and Mr. Arthur watch the Bianca video. Principal fears retaliation*

Neyz: He’s right, there are cyber bullies everywhere.

*Principal bans phones from school*

Warlock: I’d be fine, these kids will hang themselves.

*Bianca becomes most hated in school*

Warlock: She’d be my best friend, fuck that.

*Wesley rings doorbell, she punches him*

Neyz: He deserved that.

*Wesley uses bag of frozen pees to ice his nose*

Warlock: Better than the large steak.

*Wesley makes face turn by buying black dress that Bianca wanted*

Warlock: Now that’s more like it.

*Bianca and Toby talk and make friends. Asks to hang out, he says yes.*

Lady T: Awwwwwwwww

Neyz: Like she knows where he lives.

*Bianca storms into boys locker room, tells one of her heckler’s he has a small dick*

Warlock: I’d love it if someone did that to some of the kids I went to school with.

*Lady T spots the football helmets on the wall and suspects they’re hidden cameras*

Lady T: We’re living in an alien world and being spied on.

Neyz: Hardly…..

*Wesley prepares Bianca for date at Dave and Buster’s using football chalkboard*

Warlock: They don’t have booths like that

*Wesley draws a dick on the chalkboard*

Neyz: Peeeeeenis!

*Mr. Arthur gives Bianca a pep talk*

Warlock: This autta be good.

*Bianca brings Wesley to the woods and sits on the rocks together*

Warlock: I see where this is going.

*Bianca and Wesley kiss*

Warlock: Yup, saw that coming.

*Madison threatens Bianca*

Warlock: Why doesn’t she just kick her ass?

*Bianca puts on her black dress*

Warlock: Is she going to a funeral?

*Bianca goes to Toby’s house, instead of going out, he wants a homemade dinner. She tries to make the setting more comfortable but fails miserably*

Lady T: Hahahaha

*Bianca drops by Wesley’s place. Lets him know about the date coming up, he’s visibly upset.*

Warlock: I know that look in his eyes, he’s jealous. I’ve been there before.

*Bianca hallucinates having sex with Toby on the dinner table, then imagines Wesley on top of her*

Warlock: Yup.

*Toby plays Bianca a song on acoustic guitar*

Lady T: This sucks.

*Bianca finds out Toby was DUFFing her all along to get to Casey and Jess*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

*Bianca catches Wesley making out with Madison at their spot*

Warlock: Saw that coming too.

*Wesley shows up at Bianca’s house, Bianca confronts him about making out with Madison*

Lady T: I respect her honesty.

*Bianca throws him out. Montage of them two thinking about each other*

Warlock: Now they’re kind of ripping off American Pie 2.

*Bianca patches things up with Jess and Casey*

Warlock: Ugh, too much mush.

*Bianca wants to lay amongst the pizza, her mom says no way.*

Lady T: Once again, I love the honesty.

*Montage of Dottie, Jess and Casey making Bianca pretty*

Lady T: Yeah!

*Mr. Filmore: Look at her dress!  Mr. Arthur: Dude, she’s 15. Mr. Filmore: No, she’s a perfect 10*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Bianca tells Wesley she’s into him. He says he got back with Madison. Madison confronts her, Bianca buries her and puts Wesley over.*

Warlock: Come on…fight godammit fight!

*Wesley and Madison are proclaimed homecoming king and queen. Wesley turns it down and goes and kisses Bianca*

Neyz and Lady T: Woooo!!! Yayyy!!! Ohmigod!!!

Warlock: Mehhhh….mehhhhhhhh

*Bianca and Wesley go to hook up in the school newsroom*

Warlock: This is going to mess up the ink.

*Bianca and Wesley drives off as the credits roll*

Warlock: Yay….we hope you enjoyed The Ripoff!

Neyzor Blades assessment: Awesome!

Lady T’s assessment: This is one of my favorite movies of this year.

Warlock’s assessment: Ripped off about 6 different movies…..mehhh

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: While this movie ripped off just about everything, it still had a message to send to disillusioned youth. Unfortunately most DUFF’s in real life really are fat and ugly, unlike Bianca here. If you’re not in high school, don’t bother. Join us next time for another craptastic adventure.

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