*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle sunglasses. He’s holding a wine glass of root beer*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*The Warlock levitates a few inches off the ground before resuming gravity and enters the lair*
Warlock: You’re about to witness history tonight. The past 7 movies were all part of an 8-Pack set, tonight will be the 8th and final movie. After sitting through the likes of Legend of Sorrow Creek, Evil Bong, Meridian and other crap…we last left off with Below, a surprisingly good movie.
*Mr. America is sitting on the left side of the couch putting the DVD in. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots, aviators and dog tags*
Mr. America: I protest, it wasn’t that good.
Warlock: Shaddup….anyway tonight’s film is Prom Night. The 1980 Slasher flick starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Leslie Nielsen.
*Mr. Wallstreet is sitting in the recliner. He looks up from his Forbes magazine. He’s wearing a black tuxedo with a red bow-tie and brown loafers*
Wallstreet: Finally something that sounds good.
America: Surely you can’t be serious.
*Warlock turns around and looks at America*
Warlock: Don’t call me Shirley. Anyway, without further adieu let’s start Prom Night.
*Warlock takes his seat and reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A masked killer stalks four teenagers, responsible for the accidental death of a little girl six years earlier, at their high school’s senior prom.”
America: Mep, sounds about right.
*First frame shows a broken mirror. Warlock screams.*
America: Its a mirror!
*Wendy is it and she starts counting while everyone else hides*
America: Hey no fast counting! That’s cheating!
*Nick decides to hide on the window ledge*
Wallstreet: What a hiding space.
*Alex, Robin and Kim walk up to the school*
Warlock: Those striped turtlenecks make me want to throw up.
Wallstreet: Alex looks like a little kid version of Art Garfunkel.
*Wendy catches Kelly*
Warlock: This is the worst game of tag ever.
*Wendy, Nick, Jude and Kelly corner Robin and she falls out a window*
Wallstreet: Kids were just as bad back then as they are today.
Warlock: I don’t think she’s going to get up.
Wendy: “If we say what happened, they’ll say its our fault.”
America: “They’ll say its our fault” Yeah…it kinda is!
*Wendy and the four make a pact to never say what happened. They ride their bikes away as someone notices the body on the ground*
Warlock: So “I Know What You Did Last Summer” ripped off the idea.
*Mr, Hammond consoles his wife as the corpse of Robin is hauled off*
Warlock: Poor Leslie Nielsen.
*Graphic reads 6 years later*
America: So wait, how old were these kids?
Wallstreet: Probably around 9 or 10.
America: The killer will get off easy. They’ll be charged as a juvie, not an adult.
Warlock: If the killer is under 18.
*Mr. Hammond stands over the grave with Kim, Alex and his wife*
Wallstreet: Ah, Mr. Neilsen hasn’t aged a day.
Warlock: Yeah really, he looked the same for 20 years.
*Camera shows Sykes cutting the bushes*
Warlock: Look out its a weed-whacker!
America: That’s not a weed-wacker you fool.
Wallstreet: Its a hedge-trimmer.
*Killer calls Jude and says to come out to play*
Warlock: There’s your first victim.
America: That’s her grown up?
Warlock: Yeah why?
America: That’s more than a 6 year age gap.
Warlock: The actress was probably 20.
*Killer calls Kelly and says its his turn*
Warlock: Her lips are bigger than my head.
“Kelly: Drew is that you?”
Warlock: No its Lou.
*Kelly hugs Drew: Where did you come from?”
America: Behind you.
*Officer McBride leads Nick down the stairs, Nick doesn’t answer the phone*
Warlock: Is he saved?
*Dr Fairchild shows up* “McBride: Leonard Merch escaped from the state prison last night!”
Warlock: They’re going to imply this Leonard character is the killer…but we know he’s not.
*Killer calls Wendy and she shuns him, thinking its Lou*
Warlock: So there is a Lou here.
*Lou hits on Kim, Jude and Kelly*
Warlock: Terrible game.
*Kim catches Nick and Wendy kissing*
Warlock: Ruh roh…trouble in paradise.
*Next frame shows McBride running into the school from the beginning of the movie. There’s a dead girl and Dr. Fairchild questions who the killer is.
*The doctor suggests to keep the murder quiet*
America: Yes, because that worked out sooooo well in Jaws.
*Kim dances on floor alone*
Warlock: Her dance in True Lies was better.
*Wendy confronts Kim on the floor. They bicker about Nick and who he wants more. Kim asks who Kelly is going to the prom with. She says it doesn’t matter who you go with but who takes you home*
Wallstreet: Girls are brutal to each other.
Warlock: You have no idea.
*A masked Lou attacks Kim in the lunch-line and Alex jumps him. Sayer and Weller rush Alex and he holds his own until Lou gets the upper hand. Teacher pulls him apart and sends both Lou and Alex to the principal’s office. Leslie Nielsen is Alex and Kim’s father and the principal. He sends Alex to the nurse and suspends Lou. Lou: This isn’t over yet”
Warlock: Yeah threaten in front of the principal, fantastic idea.
*Next scene shows Detective McBride at his desk thinking to himself. Detective: I have to get him before he butchers someone*
Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
America: Watch the next scene shows McBride leading the killer away in handcuffs. Brilliant movie!
Warlock and America: THE END!
Wallstreet: Case solved! Excellent police work!
*Next scene shows Nick and Kim walking across the shore line*
Warlock: Oh boy, character development.
*Kim gives a sob story about how Robin would have gone to the prom. Nick says he loves her, Kim says she loves him too”
Warlock: Mush mush mush.
America: Wonderful love story…now excuse me while I sleep.
*Nick stands in the sand as a saxophone theme plays*
Warlock: Nick says “Alright shut the damn sax player up!”
*Wendy pulls up to a drive through with Lou and says lunch is on her. Lou orders a few burgers, a large fry and a coke*
Warlock: I sense something rotten is afoot!
Wallstreet: There’s something rotten in Denmark.
*Wendy and Lou hatch a plot to scare the Hammonds (Alex and Kim)*
*Sykes is picking up trash as Tennis team exits the court. Vicki moons Sykes to taunt him*
Warlock: Pause the movie for research purposes
America: Yes, this is important research.
*Movie pauses.Warlock and America stare at Vicki’s bare butt*
Wallstreet: Will you two stop???
*Sykes continues to stare even though Vicki is gone*
Warlock: He’s gonna be jacking off for a week.
*Jude and Kim are in the shower, only Jude is naked*
Warlock: Guess Jamie Lee doesn’t want to show the goods.
*America complains about the poster for milk with an equestrian*
Warlock: Everyone advertised milk back in the day, where have you been?
*A loud bang is heard*
Wallstreet: Shots fired!
America: Take cover!
*Kim and Jude investigate a broken mirror*
America: Someone just got seven years of bad luck.
*Jude: Who is here?”
Warlock: Drew or Lou, take your pick.
*camera frame pans to parking lot, a yellow car is taking up two spaces*
America: Nice parking job yellow car!
*Sykes repairs the exit sign*
America: I’m gonna laugh if he saves the day at the end. He’ll be promoted as the killer and he’ll end up saving them from the killer. SURPRISE!
Wallstreet: I have a hunch he’ll be killed.
America: I don’t like your hunch!
*Nick and Kim are prom king and queen. Alex has to kiss Kim during the ceremony…on the cheek. Teacher: Now Nick. Alex: Kiss the king?”
Warlock: Yes! Kiss the king!
*Teacher: No, shake his hand!*
America, Wallstreet and Warlock: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Wallstreet: That’s different.
*Wendy and Lou are on the phone plotting. Next frame shows Mr. Hammond taking his wife to the prom*
Warlock: Nice bow tie Nielsen.
*Alex and Kim get ready for prom. Alex lets Nick in. Nick looks at pic of Robin on the mantle and frowns*
Warlock: Too late for remorse buddy!
*Next frame shows Wendy on her couch smoking*
Warlock: Excuse me while I….
*Lou pulls up with Sayer and Weller in tow. Wendy is not impressed*
Warlock: What a gang.
*Disco music plays*
America: This is disco music right?
Warlock: Yeah, why?
America: Where’s the big ball?
Warlock: Disco’s dead.
*America gets up and starts disco dancing*
Warlock: Will you stop!
*America rolls his arms and points to the air*
Warlock: I’ll have you taken out of here!
*Wallstreet gets up and joins in*
Warlock: Oh god…you too?
*Officer McBride watches everyone dance*
Warlock: Great detective work.
*Mr. Hammond is on the floor barely moving*
Warlock: I can dance better than that.
*Camera shows about 20 people on the dance floor*
America: That’s one small graduating class, look at how many people are here.
Wallstreet: A lot of kids just dropped out.
Warlock: Wait, you mean there’s supposed to be more?
America: Of course! Don’t you remember?
Warlock: How would I know? I never went to prom.
*Wendy walks in with Lou. Lou is wearing jeans under his tux jacket*
*Upbeat song plays as Nick and Kim dance together*
Warlock: Are they recreating Saturday Night Fever?
America: If they are, they’re failing.
Warlock: I thought he was going to give her the rock bottom. This guy cannot dance.
*Warlock gets up and starts breakdancing until Wallstreet and America stop him, and set him back on the couch*
America: Its ok.
*Camera pans in a circle with the strobe lights going*
America: I’m getting dizzy.
*Kelly refuses to give Drew nook. He leaves*
America: What a douchebag!
*Masked killer slits Kelly’s throat*
America: That’s pretty shitty. A. She gets rejected, B. She’s dead.
Warlock: Guess being rejected doesn’t matter anymore huh?
America; Yeah she didn’t make the cut.
*Jude and Slick get it on in a van outside*
Warlock: Guess we know who’s next.
*Jude and Slick go to do it outside but a snapping twig stops them. They retreat to the van. Jude takes a hit of a joint and says she;’ll remember this night for the rest of her life*
Warlock: Yeah, all 10 seconds of it.
*Killer attacks, kills Jude and Slick tries to drive off. Killer holds on*
Warlock: Just hit the brakes you moron!
*Killer jumps off van, van plunges off a cliff and explodes*
America: That wasn’t the brakes, stupid.
*Killer attacks Wendy in the bathroom with an axe. Misses. Wendy runs out and calls for help when the killer appears in front of her*
America: Either there are two killers or The Flash has some competition.
*Axe killer chases Wendy up the stairs. Wendy hides in a classroom. Bumps into mannequin and screams. Killer runs in and chases her out of the room and down to the shop class. Killer finds her in a car and swings through the glass. Warlock and Wallstreet on the edge of their seats when America turns on Flock of Seagull’s I Ran”
Warlock: What the hell are you doing?
America: She ran so far away.
Wallstreet: Ughhhh….stick to the disco soundtrack.
*Killer finally kills Wendy as a junior detective says Leonard Merch has been caught 50 miles away*
Warlock: So that leaves out Kim and now this guy. That leaves Sykes.
*Parents ask where Alex is, Kim doesn’t know*
Warlock: Ohhhhhh, so HE’S the killer.
*Sykes stumbles in and says there’s a killer on the loose*
Warlock: See, can’t be him either.
America: I already told you that.
*Sayer and Weller jump Nick, Lou puts his clothes on. Killer sneaks up on Lou thinking its Nick*
Warlock: This is gonna be a major oops.
*Killer cuts Lou’s head off and it rolls to the middle of the runway. The axe hits the electrical wiring and it shocks the killer*
America: This isn’t bowling.
Wallstreet: That was awesome.
*Killer attacks Nick and Kim. Swings at Nick with axe, he ducks*
Warlock: Swing and a miss struck him out!
*Kim picks up axe and nails Killer with it, only grazes him but it stuns him. Kim looks in his eyes, its Alex*
Warlock: So much for Sykes saving the day.
*Kim unmasks the killer, its Alex. Camera shows a young Alex looking over Robin’s dead body. Alex dies in Kim’s arms*
Warlock: Nick made it….who saw that coming?
Wallstreet: Not me.
Warlock: Pita Oliver needed more movies.
Wallstreet’s assessment: Good, 7 out of 10
America’s assessment: The killer annoyed me, very inept. 5.5 out of 10
Warlock’s assessment: Very good, 8 out of 10
Final Grade: 7 out of 10, Great
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Nothing like a GOOD movie to finish off an 8 pack. It was a classic and very enjoyable to watch.
Wallstreet: So that’s it? The 8-Movie pack is over?
Wallstreet: Where did you get it originally?
Warlock: I have no idea.
America: I thought you bought it.
Warlock: No, it was in my mailbox, someone sent it anonymously.
America: Who would do that?
Warlock: I don’t know.
Warlock: Who the hell could that be?
*Warlock, America and Wallstreet walk outside, a random box is on the ground*
Warlock: What is this?
America: If that’s anthrax, I’m going to put a man sized hole in the front door.
*Warlock picks up the box and opens it, Wallstreet is the first to see it*
Wallstreet: Oh my….
*America peeks in*
America: Oh no…oh please god no….
*Warlock drops the box and holds up another 8-Movie Pack*
Warlock: So much for a pleasant evening…..