19. Below (2002)


*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, black gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a mug of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock makes the lights dim by turning his head sideways then walks into the lair. A loud bang is heard*

Warlock: What was that?

*Mr. America is sitting in his spot on the couch wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat, black combat boots and dog tags. He’s shaking his head with his arms folded*

America: Its nice you don’t kill the power, but you forgot to un-dim the lights you idiot.

*Mr. Wallstreet crawls up the recliner huffing and puffing. He’s wearing a green Joseph A Bank suit, black tie and white dress shoes*

Wallstreet: I fell over the chair. Hit the lights will you?

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the room illuminates*

Warlock: Tonight’s tale is Below. A movie set during World War 2 about a submarine that discovers unspeakable evil.

America: You mean like Event Horizon?

Wallstreet: Great, another ripoff.

*Wallstreet settles into the recliner, Warlock takes his seat on the couch*

Warlock: So let’s not waste anymore time, let’s get started with Below.

*Warlock reads the tagline: “A submarine picks up three survivors of a U-Boat attack but these visitors seem to spark a series of chilling, otherworldly occurrences”

America: World War 2? Right up my alley.

*PBY Catalina shows up*

America: Alright, that’s right out of that era. Good start.

*Pilot puts a message in a thermos and throws it out of the plane*

America: Weeeeeee!!!

*Loomis questions the background of the survivors they’re supposed to pick up. They’re on the USS Tiger Shark in August of 1943*

America: Wow, its shockingly historically accurate.

*Tiger Shark is attacked as they pick up the survivors. As Claire is lowered, someone asks “What do we have here?”

America: Uh…I’ll guess a lady.

*Tiger Shark submerges*

America: Ah! They fucked up the CGI. They switched from an actual sub to CGI and they forgot to digitize the bow gun! Magically the muzzle fell off! What a shoddy submarine! How do they expect to make it through the movie with THAT kind of craftsmanship?

Warlock: The aft gun is intact to boot.

*German destroyer shows up, Bryce decides to fight another day*

Warlock: Ready!….Aim!…..RETREAT!!!!

*Sailors pass the scuttlebutt around that one of the survivors is female*

Warlock: News travels fast.

*Claire says her hospital ship was attacked 2 nights earlier. Kingsley says he was on the stow deck when they were attacked. Claire shows up and say 70 hands lost and 300 patients. Odell says the 2 Brit survivors and the lone patient are stuck with them because they’re 300 miles from the nearest port and they can’t detour*


America: “Why don’t we just detour to the port?”

Warlock: “On second thought you’re right. HARD LEFT RUTTER!”

America and Warlock: THE END!

*Weird Wally reads from a book*

America: Hey look its Zach Galifanakis!

Warlock: No shit!

America: This must be before The Hangover made him popular.

Warlock: I bet he regrets it now haha.

*Odell asks Loomis why the enemy didn’t sink the Brits’ ship or why they didn’t get that many survivors off*

Warlock: Good question! Let’s investigate.

*Crew picks up intruder on the radar. Bryce has the sub go full stop. Loomis eats sardines while they wait for the depth chart to go off. Instead a nearby record player goes off with Sing, Sing, Sing*

Warlock: Stop dancing will ya?

America: ……hardly!

*Depth charges go off, rocks the sub, crew gets hurled around. One of the barrels lands on top of the sub…slowly rolls off*

Warlock: Its a dud!

*Chief is the voice of reason when Loomis tries to blame Odell*

Warlock: Billy Bedlam turns face? Can’t be.

*Sailor discovers the pants from the wounded 3rd patient is German*


America: I smell a rat!

*Bryce grabs handcuff chains and storms into Claire’s room looking for the German. Odell restrains Claire, as Bryce stands over German with a gun. Claire tries to explain why her crew tried to save him. German grabs scalpel and Bryce shoots him dead. Has Claire confined to quarters*

Warlock: Well that escalated quickly.

America: I don’t trust turtleneck there!

Warlock: You mean Kingsley?

America: Yes.

*Bryce: If she asks to use the toilet, bring her a bucket!”

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

*Bryce tries to fall asleep, starts hearing Sing, Sing, Sing again.*

America: Where are my dancing shoes?

Warlock: Oh sure, now you want to?

*Bryce throws and breaks record player against the wall*

Warlock: I think he’s got some anger issues.

*Claire screams and claims the dead German was speaking to her. Hoag and Stumbo are revealed to have pulled a prank, Odell tells them they’re on thin ice and Bryce orders them to haul away the carcass*

Warlock: No respect for the dead.

America: He’s German, who cares?

*Stumbo starts hearing the German speak. Leans in close, intercom goes off and he falls down a hole*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha

*Chief: Did the German speak to you in English or German?”

America: Inquiring minds need to know.

*Stumbo: English. Chief: Case closed!*

Warlock: Now you know.

*Claire snoops around Brice’s cabin*

Warlock: Its a spy!!!

*Claire hears voices while reading the patrol log. Discovers two different handwriting styles are used. A locker opens on its own and then the contents fall out, scaring her*

Warlock: Oh real scary…

*Loomis walks in, reveals the ship’s captain (Winters) is dead and LIEUTENNANT Brice is the current C.O.*

Wallstreet: Wonderful. Everyone’s got a secret!

*Submarine lands on the ocean floor*

America: That’ll scratch the paint.

*Claire is confronted by Brice. Brice: “What am I gonna do with you?”

America: Well you can’t throw her overboard.

Warlock: Why not?

America: They just hit the bottom you idiot!

*Claire: I should have realized a submarine isn’t a good place to keep secrets*

America: WHAT? You’re at war! That’s reason in itself not to keep secrets. Forget just a submarine.

Wallstreet: This chick is dumb.

*Brice reveals they’ve been stalking the German supply ship for a while. They hit it with a torpedo, the ship was gone but there was a lot of debris. Captain Winters decided to haul some in by himself. He hit his head and fell in, drowning. Suddenly all the lights go off and a figure appears. Its Schilngs, saying everything’s fine. Brice runs into Loomis who asks what he told her. Brice answers “The story”

Warlock: There’s something else he’s not saying. I smell a conspiracy!

*German destroyer is dragging its anchors to see if it catches on to anything. It catches on the conning tower*

Warlock: That’ll scratch the paint.

America: More than that!!!!

*A naked Loomis starts shouting orders to get out of there*

Warlock: There’s a story to tell the grandkids…if he lives.

Wallstreet: My goodness.

*Chief says they’re leaking oil which is how the German’s have been finding them. Says the only way to fix it is to freedive below the point and fix the holes. Wally is not happy about it. Hoag and Stumbo complain as well. Chief asks who’s in, Syumbo says “fuck no.”

Warlock: Fuck yes!

*The divers are Odell, Stumbo, Wally and Coors. Loomis says he put Zap in as a “buddy system”

Walrock: Ok…fuck no.

*Drivers are attacked by CGI Devil Rays*

Warlock: Are those manta rays or devil rays?

America: Are we in Tampa Bay?

Warlock: Sorry I asked.

*Divers make it to the ballast tanks. Coors taps morse code to let Brice know they’re in. Coors and Odell take the front, Wally and Stumbo take the back. Stumbo finds the oil leak. Meanwhile Lt. Brice writes the report on Winters. Coors and Odell discuss what REALLY happened. Coors reveals there were survivors from the supply ship. Winters and Brice got in an argument over shooting the survivors. Its implied that Winters didn’t fall randomly, it was Coors that hit him. Coors then sees an image that scares him, he slips and falls.”

America: Way to go Butterfingers!

*Stumbo and Wally find Odell. They bump into Coors who’s motionless. Odell then sees a ghost and asks if the others saw it. He turns around and Stumbo and Wally are already gone. The next frame shows the 3 being pulled back into the sub. Everyone questions them and asks where Coors is. Wally guarantees he’s dead. They start hearing morse code. B-A-C-K. Kingsley says they should surface and Brice says they’ll be air raided by the British military*

America: Hahaha.

*Odell reveals the sub is in a bad way and they need to get to a port. Brice poo-poo’s the statement and Claire butts in, saying the ship is haunted. Brice dismisses her and she complains.

*Loomis: Heading home boys, sound good?” “Room applauds*

Warlock: Ha!

*The rudder refuses to turn, it blows on its own*

Wallstreet: What just happened?

America: They can’t steer themselves.

*Sailors start to question what’s going on. Pappy, Hoag, Wally and others debate if the place is haunted or not.*

Wallstreet: Everything is fine gentleman!

*Chief lets Loomis and Brice know the ship is fucked. They start hearing strange noises. Claire, Kinglsey and Odell plot their own way to get back to England*

Warlock: Its a mutiny!

*Kingsley: What’s happened here?”

Warlock and Wallstreet: A lot!

*Odell confronts Loomis about returning to the scene of the ship sinking. Loomis doesn’t answer him but sends him away.*

Warlock: A plot twist!

*Hoag opens the door while maneuvering room is being repaired. Chief, Hoag, Pappy, Motormac and others aren’t shown but are presumed to have blown up by the carbon monoxide buildup*

*Loomis busts his hand arguing with Odell*

Warlock: Go get stitched up.

*Brice and crew investigate the room’s blowup*

Warlock: This isn’t gonna be pretty.

*All hands in the room appear to be dead. Loomis sees his reflection in the mirror moving slower than he is. Claire finds Chief who says “Don’t try to stop me” and dies. Odell pulls her away.  Loomis sees a ghost in the mirror and runs off. Loomis says “He’s here” and locks the crew in. Brice gets door open and they discover he fled the ship. He swims away only to get impaled by the conn tower*

America: Oh their day just keeps getting better.

Wallstreet: Ok, let’s worry!

*Brice, Claire and Odell see the ghost for themselves. The next frame shows everyone trying to surface. Odell reveals to the crew that Winters was murdered trying to shoot the German survivors. Claire says that’s not what she heard*

Warlock: Its a conspiracy!

*Kingsley: Well that was awkward!*

Wallstreet: Fear not dear fellow!

*Warlock: I assume the only one’s left are Brice, Kingsley, Odell, Stumbo, Wally and Claire*

America: Who cares?

*Odell and Claire stumble upon Wally reading and scare the daylights out of him. Wally reveals the only way the ghost will leave is if the “captain goes down with the ship”

Warlock: Great….

*Claire discovers that the ship sunk wasn’t a German supply ship but HER ship all along. Brice misidentified the British hospital ship as a German supply ship. Winters wanted to SAVE all the survivors, so Loomis, Coors and Brice killed him to prevent that. The ghost is Winters seeking revenge for the mutiny*

America: What a plot twist!!!

*Remaining crew tries to raise the sub to the surface. Are successful but discover Kingsley dead from debris moving around*

Warlock and America: *fake death*  Ehhhhhhhhh

*Brice shows up and confronts Wally, Odell, Claire and Stumbo. He attacks Odell and shoots the radio. Claire escapes to the surface in the confusion.*


*Claire waves for help but Brice finds her and throws her down. Claire refuses and a gunshot is heard. Next frame shows Brice shooting the corpse of Loomis. Odell, Stumbo and Wally make it to the surface. Brice shoots himself in the head*

Warlock: That takes care of Handsome Harold.

*Odell shoots a carbine machine gun to grab the passing British ships attention*

Wallstreet: They’ll probably get shot but the other boat for that. “Oh my they’re firing at us! Fire on my command!”

*Claire, Stumbo, Odell and Wally are dragged aboard the British ship. They have some banter before the camera shows the sub sinking. Odell speculates that when Winters died, everything was just a coincidence. Claire says no way, they were brough back for a reason. The final frame shows the sub sinking toward where the sunken British sub was resting*

Warlock: Now that was cool.

Warlock’s Assessment: That was DAMN good….I give it a 7.5 out of 10.

Wallstreet’s Assessment: I agree…but I’ll give it an 8.

America’s Assessment: 5 out of 10…I’m not impressed.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10….very good

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Alright, now that’s more like it. After sitting through the past 6 crappy movies, we finally saw a good one. A hidden gem has been found.

Wallstreet: I have a question.

Warlock: What?

Wallstreet: Where did you get all these movies?

Warlock: They were part of an 8 pack. While you were off at Dow Jones, America and I caught the first 5.

Wallstreet: How many have I seen?

Warlock: The past 2…..one movie left.

America: Oh god, what could possibly be next?

*Warlock picks up the 8th and final movie out of the pack and shows the other*

America: Yes….very nice.

Wallstreet: Now that’s more like it.

*Warlock turns the camera and grins evily*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening!


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