*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of root beer*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates a few inches off the ground before returning to gravity and entering the lair*
The Warlock: With us today is Mr. America.
*Mr. America is hiding behind the recliner and he pops out to throw a dart at the dartboard behind the door. Bullseye*
Warlock: You know you’re supposed to do that with knives in combat right?
*Mr. America is wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat with black combat boots, aviators and dog tags*
America: And ruin not only the dartboard but the door? Yeah the landlord is going to love that.
Warlock: Also with us today, direct from the floor of Dow Jones, Mr. Wallstreet.
*Mr. Wallstreet is sitting in the recliner reading Forbes magazine. He’s wearing a blue Armani suit, brown loafers, and a black tie.*
Wallstreet: Oh hello.
*America takes his seat on the left on the left side of the couch*
Warlock: Tonight’s movie is I Am Omega, a complete rip-off of I Am Legend released the exact same year.
America: I Am Omega sounds like a frathouse story.
Wallstreet: We Are Omega.
America: That’s not what it says.
Wallstreet: Now I mean that would be a better title.
Warlock: So without any further delay, its time for I Am Omega.
*Warlock sits on the right side of the couch and reads the tagline*
Warlock: “The lone survivor of a deadly plague is doomed to an eternal battle with the mutant creatures that now control the Earth”
America: Oh boy. This movie’s going to be out of this world.
*The Asylum Presents*
Wallstreet: It was made by the loonies.
*I Am Omega graphic*
Warlock: Once again we have no opening credits.
*Mom: Give me your hand*
America: That’s not what she meant.
*Zombie attacks mom, mom fights back but is killed*
Warlock: I give her an A for effort
*Renchard wakes up from his dream*
Warlock: Just a dream Jimmy Lee
*The alarm goes off*
Warlock: Right To Censor is here.
America: So the world is supposed to be overrun by these things right?
America: So is that the smartest thing to set up camp with cornea burning searchlights and blazing alarms?
*Renchard attacks zombie*
Wallstreet: Finish Him!!!
*Renchard sets gaggle of zombies on fire*
America: Anybody got any marshmellows?
Warlock: Who wants to sing?
*Renchard walks back into his house*
Warlock: The homeowners association is going to be pissed. “Please do not set fire to zombies on your front lawn”
*Renchard looks on his laptop for a radio signal to signify if someone else is alive*
Warlock: I thought the whole world was wiped out, where did he get the electricity?
*Renchard takes bills from a prescription bottle*
Wallstreet: Where did he get that filled if the world is wiped out?
*Renchard unplugs radio and throws it. It continues to work*
Warlock: Better lay off the pills man, you’re seeing shit.
*Renchard pours himself coffee*
Warlock: Oh yeah this is an integral part of the movie, Mark Decascos pouring himself coffee.
*Renchard turns to his left and there’s a mannequin there*
America: What are you looking at?
America: Prepare coffee, shave, get some gear, ready for the day.
*Renchard goes nuts on wood as part of his training*
America: What did that fence ever do to you?
*Renchard checks to see if the bomb he made is working*
Wallstreet: Thought he was going to suicide bomb for a second.
Warlock: Its too early in the movie. Blows himself up 11 minutes into it.
America: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
Warlock: Renchard suicide bombs himself 10 minutes into it. THE END.
*Renchard puts in a cassette tape of a Counting Crows cover band*
America: Music isn’t too bad.
Warlock: Better than the last movie.
*Renchard walks into barn. A dead security guard is sitting in the chair. Renchard: “Hey Paul”
*Renchard pays for the beer and goes to leave when he has a vision of something behind him, but there’s no one there*
Warlock: I said it already, lay off the pill.s
*Renchard swerves from one side of the highway to the other to catch a bunny rabbit*
America: Oh boy a rabbit.
Wallstreet: Alright, rabbit for lunch.
*Zombie sneaks up on Renchard, Renchard blows his head off*
America: If he could sneak up on him, why did he horrifically attack him?
Wallstreet: He’s a cunning foe.
America: How is that cunning? Instead of sneak up on him, you alert him to your presence and get shot. How is that cunning?
Wallstreet: Caught the guy off guard
*Renchard straps a bomb to a natural gas pole and sets a timer*
Warlock: Light up the skyyyyyyyyyyyy
Warlock: If the world is supposedly overrun by zombies, how come we’ve only seen like 5?
Wallstreet: Low budget.
*Zombie appears, Renchard slowly pulls put machete*
Wallstreet: He’s gonna make a hatchet job out of him.
Warlock: Jason Voorhees would be proud.
*Next frame shows Renchard driving back home with a kiddie pool in the front yard*
Warlock: Dive in the pool!
*Renchard has dinner with a mannequin. “What, you’re not eating?”
Warlock: Nah, too much mush.
*Renchard gets incoming video message on his laptop, stares at it*
America: Staring ain’t gonna answer the call.
*Alarm blares, Renchard goes out to investigate*
Warlock: Right To Censor is back.
*Renchard spots a zombie frying in a trap outside*
Warlock: That’ll teach him to stick his hands in the cookie jar.
*Renchard refuses to answer incoming video message*
Wallstreet: Alright, who the hell are you?
*Brianna answers hello on the message and Renchard freaks completely out. Falling backwards in his chair and runs outside screaming*
Warlock: Was she THAT ugly?
America: Didn’t look it.
*Renchard chews up one of his pills before swallowing*
Wallstreet: That’s just nasty.
America: Do you any of you realize how much money he’s saving on co-pays?
*Renchard reads the morning paper*
Warlock: I didn’t see a zombie delivery boy, did you?
*Renchard answers the message, gets acquainted with Brianna*
Warlock: Finally some character development.
*Brianna gives sob story and begs Renchard to save her*
Warlock: A man of the people.
America: There are no people.
Warlock: There’s one.
*Renchard refuses to save Brianna*
*Renchard straps another bomb to a gas line*
America: Are they ever going to explain what he’s doing with all those bombs?
Wallstreet: I declare that it is a source of energy for these creatures.
Warlock: He just wants to blow up the city.
America: What city? All we’ve seen is an industrial yard.
*Renchard shoots a zombie and gets sprayed with blood. He pours iodine on himself and even takes a swig*
Warlock: Did he seriously just take a swig of iodine?
*Renchard has an hallucination that a woman is begging to save him, He goes to catch the woman but there’s no one there*
America: Fooled you!
Warlock: Now would be a good time for a zombie to attack, he has no gun, shirt or wits.
*Renchard stands on the rock where Captain Kirk fought the Gorn, drops an empty beer can and takes a piss*
Warlock: He and Kurt Angle would make great friends. Both are in movies where they are filmed pissing.
America: Yeah, we REALLY needed to see this?
*Renchard: I’m pissing on you!”
America: Thank god that scene’s over, I feel relieved.
*Renchard throws a beer can, falls down and laughs at himself cross legged*
Warlock: He’s lost it folks.
*Next frame shows a car horn honking and a van pulls up outside his house*
Warlock: Damn traffic.
*Vincent and Mike request to talk to Renchard about Brianna*
Warlock: Its the bandits from Borderlands.
*Vincent and Mike ask nicely for Renchard to get Brianna. He refuses. Mike blows his house up with a bazooka*
Warlock: So much for being nice.
*Renchard reluctantly agrees to find Brianna. Vincent has him message her, she gives him the GPS signal to locate her. Renchard says they’ll be there before sunset*
Warlock: Finally a point.
*Swarm of zombies attack the trio*
America: Are we supposed to be surprised all these things are finding him after they blow his damn house up?
*Vincent and Renchard have a normal conversation while Mike fights off a gaggle of ghouls by himself*
Warlock: Coffee break.
*Renchard goes to drive behind Vincent and Mike, they pull in front of him and say “you’re riding with us”
America: I don’t like carpooling.
*Renchard says he’ll ride in the back, there’s a mutilated corpse in the back of the van*
Warlock: Least he’ll have company.
*Renchard says not to use guns in the sewers, too many gas lines*
Warlock: 93 Octane is better.
*Next frame shows a deserted street with several cars rammed into each other*
Wallstreet: What a wreck!
*Renchard’s gun flashlight runs out, Vincent and Mike make fun of him*
Warlock: Good for nothing busted piece of junk.
*Zombie attacks and kills Mike*
Warlock: Wow, didn’t even make it to Brianna.
*Renchard leaves Vincent fighting in the sewer*
Warlock: Well he could go home but its in pieces right now.
*Renchard is attacked in broad daylight by a gaggle of zombies until rescued by Brianna*
Warlock: Perfect timing.
*Dead zombie falls*
America: And stay down!
*Brianna: Haven’t eaten in a while?”
America: This is gourmet compared to what I’ve had.
*Renchard checks the timer on the bombs he’s planted. It says 12 hours. “We don’t have much time”. Brianna looks confused*
America: Oh yeah…by the way….
*Renchard: The city is going to blow in 24 hours”
Warlock: Didn’t the timer just say 12?
Wallstreet: It did.
*Zombies bust through gate. Renchard: Is there a back way out of here? Brianna: Yes. Renchard: Go!”
Warlock: Hurry you dummy!
*Camera shows bomb planted outside Brianna’s lab*
America: So he’s been there before.
*Zombie pops out of dumpster*
*Renchard punches zombie down*
*Renchard says not to shoot the zombie because blood will spatter. Orders Brianna to take a grenade from his backpack and drop it in the dumpster*
America: Oh yeah like that won’t cause blood to spatter.
*Renchard: Give me your hand*
America: Not that hand stupid!
*Brianna is attacked by zombies and scratched in the face. Renchard freaks but she calmly tells him that she’s immune*
Warlock: Wonderful. You mean to tell me she’s the only one in the world who’s immune?
*Brianna: Would it kill you to try it?”
Warlock: Noooo, the zombies will.
*Brianna and Renchard drive off*
Warlock: Watch, there’s no gas left.
*Car screeches to halt*
Warlock: Wow did I call it.
*Renchard gets out of car and attacks zombies with nun chucks. Brianna gets impatient and drives away into zombies*
America: Time to go bowling.
*Renchard performs nunchuck tricks in front of zombies. Then he runs away*
*Zombies have Renchard cornered*
Warlock: Trapped like rats!
Wallstreet: Speak for yourself!
*Brianna drives Renchard through a median and crashes the car*
Wallstreet: *Mocks Brianna* I want this car, this is our car”
America: This is what you get for not keeping your eyes on the road.
Warlock: That’s what they get for picking a car with no sunroof.
*Renchard picks Brianna up in a fireman’s carry and runs down the street*
Warlock: What did he expect to do, run all the way home?
*Vincent pulls up in the van. He and Renchard fight off zombies bare handed*
Warlock: Nice teamwork.
*Vincent turns heel by shooting Renchard in both arms and one of his legs then reveals he’s not with the military group that saves lives. He doesn’t want Brianna to find a cure because if she does, things go back to the way they used to be and Vincent’s out of a job. Says he refuses to kill Renchard because he refuses to kill fellow soldiers. Leaves him in the street to rot as he drives off with her.
Warlock: Why didn’t he just kill her right then and there if he doesn’t want to cure the virus?
America: Where’s the fun in that?
*Next frame shows Renchard turning into a zombie*
Warlock: Well this just got interesting.
*Vincent drives by the car Renchard has commandeered*
America: That was convenient.
*Graphic shows 18 minutes left on the timer*
Warlock: Oh boy, only 18 minutes and this turd is over.
*Next frame shows Vincent trying to pour water in dead Mike’s mouth. Brianna: You sick fuck!*
Warlock: Ah lovely.
*Vincent rips Brianna’s shirt off. Mike’s corpse falls out of the van. Brianna: You twisted piece of shit!”
Warlock: That is pretty funny.
*Vincent pulls Mike’s corpse onto Brianna and taunts her*
*Vincent puts Mike’s corpse back in the an as Renchard plows into the van. He throws tire at Vincent and the knife falls in front of Brianna*
Warlock: Time for the one on one confrontation.
Wallstreet: I thought both his shoulders and one of his legs were shot.
America: Supposedly. Doesn’t seem that way.
*Renchard and Vincent go nose to nose. Vincent: Winner gets the girl*
Warlock: The following contest Is scheduled for one fall, with a 15 minute time limit.*
*Vincent beats the crap out of Renchard until Brianna stabs him. Renchard makes the big comeback with martial arts before bashing Vincent’s head in with a big pipe.*
Warlock: Flawless victory.
*Brianna: Are you ok?”
America: What do you think?
*The time goes up from 40 seconds to 43*
Warlock: Alright, they hit one of those time checkpoints in Mario Kart.
*Montage shows city blowing to smithereens as the camera fades to black. Next frame shows Brianna patching up Renchard*
Warlock: I really don’t think that’s going to help.
*Brianna and Renchard make out*
Warlock: Too much mush
*America falls asleep*
Wallstreet: Wake up!
America: Huh, what? What did I miss?
Warlock: Nothing. the movie’s over.
Wallstreet’s assessment: This is a reminisce of Wormwood. 5 out of 10
Warlock’s assessment: Complete crap and a ripoff. 3 out of 10
America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 3.5
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 Crap
Wallstreet: Bret Bach? Any relation to Ernie Bach Jr?
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was garbage. I have no idea how the movie studio wasn’t sued for the I Am Legend ripoff. The movie had some decent kills but for the most part, low budget garbage.
America: Speaking of garbage, you need to take yours out.
*Warlock looks at America coldly, flicks his wrist and has a trash bag pop out of the trash can, ties itself and whacks America in the head before it flies out the window*
America: Hey watch it!
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.