17. The Legend of Sorrow Creek (2007)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black gargoyle shades, black t-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair. Welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock*

*The Warlock shoots fire from his wrist and sets fire to a nearby potted plant*

Warlock: Oh shit…..

*All of a sudden, Mr. America bursts through the door wearing white camo fatigues, black combat boots, camo vest, dog tags, white camo hat and a gas mask. He sprays the fire out with a fire extinguisher*

Warlock: Thank you for that!

*America mumbles unintelligibly as they enter the lair*

Warlock: Tonight’s tale is The Legend of Sorrow Creek. 4 kids in the woods and an unspeakable tragedy.

*America takes his seat in the recliner and continues to mumble*

Warlock: You still have the mask on.

America: *removes the mask* Whataya mean unspeakable? We’re speaking about it now!

Warlock: Yes we are. So let’s start speaking about it as we put on The Legend of Sorrow Creek.

*Warlock sits in his spot on the couch and reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “When two sisters return to their childhood summer getaway, they soon fall under the wrath of an evil curse. One that threatens to rip them apart forever.”

America: *staring blankly*

Warlock: My sentiments exactly.

*movie opens with screaming, fading camera shots*

Warlock: Guess we don’t need plot development.

*Woman drops oil candle lamp. Nothing happens*

America: You dropped a candle, where’s the fire?

*Woman slits her wrist and hangs herself. Man walks in, claims to be hung woman’s husband: :”Oh god what have you done to yourself???”

Warlock: Well dumbass, what do you think she just did?

*Camera frame goes from sleepy cabin to man standing in woods*

America: What’s great when you have no cgi? Time lapse photography!

*Sherriff says Daniel Fields is the expert in his field*

America: So does that make the sheriff Deputy Dimwit?

Warlock: There’s no opening credits.

America: Yay, a low budget movie too cheap for credits

*Daniel: His back was ripped apart in 71 places”

Warlock: Only 71?

America: That’s one pissed off bear

*Sheriff: Does anyone have an explanation for these things?”

America: Was it the crewmember in the background we weren’t supposed to see?

Warlock: Could be someone following them.

America: I say it was an editing oversight.

*Daniel explains how Thomas Carter supposedly ripped out Isabella’s eyes and hung her as a heretic before disappearing*

Warlock: In the opening scene, we saw her hang herself. Obviously this plot is full of holes.

*Daniel: So why are we really here?” Camera pans to a waterfall*

America: To look at the waterfall? Isn’t it beautiful?

Warlock: *sarcastic* Breathtaking

*Scene cuts to guy with a fish-hook stuck in his hand*

America: Look at the bright side, now he can tell his friends he got hooked onto fishing.

Warlock: Hooked on a feeeeelinggggggg.

America: Ougachakaoughachaka!

America: The girl in the yellow shirt has no bra

Warlock: Outstanding observation.

*4 teens walk away*

Warlock: Are we supposed to care about these characters? I don’t.

*Tobe explains if he doesn’t take his heart medication, his heart explodes and he dies*

Warlock: Isn’t that too bad?

*Tobe: This place is weird.”

America: You only now figured that out?

*Jesse: You guys go on ahead, I’ll be fine”

America: Its a horror movie, I highly doubt it will be fine.

*Dean, Tobe and Kayla make it to the house*

America: The insurance company is about to get rich.

*Dean and Kayla share a heartwarming sob story complete with kiss*

America: Oh god, really?

Warlock: Least they’re attempting character development.

*Tobe says he’ll call Jesse*

America: In a movie like this, do you even get reception?

*Tobe says “no signal”

America: *Throws his hands up* What did I say?

*Tobe, Kayla and Dean say they’re going to look for Jesse and the camera shows they are in daylight. The next frame shows the sun-setting*

America: How long did they wait until they searched for her, the next day?

Warlock: That’s not sunrise, that’s sunset.

America: The clouds should not be that visible. Look out the window now.

Warlock: Yeah, its supposed to be sunset, *points to window* not pitch black darkness.

*Next frame shows 3 of them ready to leave*

Warlock: Oh my god, how long DID it take for them to leave?

America: In the summer, it takes forever for the sun to set.

Warlock: Maybe Ren and Stimpy was on.

*An actual decent jumpscare occurs when 3 stop to listen to nothing when the phone rings*

Warlock: *golf claps*

*Kayla says that the phone lines are down, that shouldn’t happen. She answers and all you hear is scratching noises. She asks who’s there*

America: A really bad DJ.

Warlock: DJ Yella would be appalled.

*Tobe tries to use the phone*

America: Operator!

*Kayla: What do we do now?”

Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

America: “Why don’t we go home and forget about her?”

Warlock: “Ok” They leave.

Warlock and America: The end!

*Dean spots someone in the doorway wearing overalls*

Warlock: See, I told you it was a ghost following Daniel earlier.

America: That dude wasn’t wearing overalls.

*Dude in overalls staggers away*

Warlock: And then he waddled awayyyyyyyyyyy

Warlock: So far we’ve seen zero nudity, no funny one liners, lousy camera quality, plotline with holes, no visible kills….uh oh.

*Dean says he’s going back into the house to the keys and Tobe’s pills*

America: Splitting up…..these people will NEVER learn.

*Dean goes to open the door then stops and turns around*

Warlock: Halt! Who goes there?

*Dean staggers away from house, Kayla: What’s he doing?”

America: He’s investigating!

*Jesse collapses onto Dean covered in blood, her back is torn apart*

Warlock: Damn bears! I don’t think she’s gonna make it.

America: Probably not.

*Tobe leaves his room, guy in overalls appears in window*

Warlock: Cool.

*Tobe and Dean commiserate to get the girls out of the house*

Warlock: “Ok dude, on 3….one…..two……three!.

America and Warlock: CHARGE!!!!!

*Tobe falls on the ground wheezing and reaching out*

Warlock: He’s supposed to be having a heart attack, not turning into a zombie!

*Dean waits for Jesse to stop screaming then opens the door slowly*

America: Peekaboo!!!

*Tobe says he just wants to go to sleep*

Warlock: Laying down on the job, good grief.

*Tobe requests something sharp just in case*

Warlock: Either stab a ghost or stab himself, I say option B.

*Dean and Kayla snuggle on the couch*

Warlock: Awww, isn’t that sweet?

Warlock: Why don’t they pack everyone in the car and go to the hospital?

America: That makes WAY too much sense. Are you kidding me? Making sense in a horror movie, what’s the matter with you?

*Kayla: Its my sister, what the fuck is happening?”

Warlock: They look nothing alike to boot.

Warlock: This movie is like a really bad Evil Dead ripoff.

America: Yeah, with a body count of ZERO 30 minutes into it.

*Really bad lighting contrast as Jesse staggers down the hall*

America: Look at that! One side of the house is stone cold darkness and the other is broad daylight. Plus we have the obligatory long hallway. Fuck it, just give us the Twilight Zone soundtrack and this will make a lot more sense.

*Jesse staggers around and opens a door*

Warlock: Guess she has to take a piss.

*Jesse enters Tobe’s room*

Warlock: Ruh-Roh!

*Tobe wakes up while the room is in pitch black darkness*

Warlock: Once again we’ve gone back in time to nightfall.

*Tobe wakes up, sees Jesse holding knife*

America: GOOD MORNING!

*Jesse takes a swing at Tobe with knife, connects. Dean and Kayla investigate.

Warlock: Here they come to save the dayyyyyy!

*Jesse kills Tobe then slits her own throat. Kayla legitimately vomits on the floor*

Warlock: Finally something cool.

*Kayla freaks out as Dean tries to stop her*

Warlock: At least she can act. The others have all the emotion of a shoe.

America: I’m guessing Deputy Dimwit and the Expert have gotten lost.

Warlock: Oh yeah, I forgot about them. Apparently that guy in the overalls got abducted by UFO’s because we haven’t seen him since either.

*Dean goes into the room where Tobe and Jesse lie dead*

Warlock: What is he hoping to accomplish?

America: Yeah, they’re dead. Kaput!”

*Dude in overalls walks upstairs*

Warlock: At least we know what happened to him.

America: Well no wonder why, they left the door wide open.

*Dean pushes Jesse on the ass to get her off of Tobe’s corpse*

Warlock: Nice ass grab buddy. Bet the actress slapped him after the take was over.

*Dean lifts the keys from Tobe’s corpse*

America: So THAT’S why he was in the room.

Warlock: Ohhhh.

*Dean walks outside and the car is in pieces*

Warlock: So instead of showing something cool like the car being blown to smithereens, they just show random junk yard scraps to show the car is in pieces.

America: Low budget butt-heads.

*Dean tries to console Kayla*

America: That smiling sun on the wall is either mocking them ironically or mocking us for being sucked into watching this garbage.

Warlock: I say the jokes on us.

*Kayla hysterically tries to say the woods are haunted*

Warlock: Time to explain EVERYTHING.

*Dean: We have to get out of here”

America: Really?

Warlock: Should have done that BEFORE Jesse went apeshit on Tobe.

*Dean and Kayla leave the house in darkness with a flashlight*

Warlock: So that broad daylight we saw earlier was just us imagining things.

*Kayla can’t find the right key to the shed*

America: FLASH THE LIGHT ON THE KEY AND HELP HER OUT YOU MORON!

Warlock: That’s horrible teamwork.

*Dean sees a woman with no eyes and drops the chainsaw on his foot*

Warlock: It wasn’t even running, that shouldn’t hurt.

*Kayla carries a limping Dean back in the house*

Warlock: Even if he dropped the motor on it, that shouldn’t have hurt.

*Kayla leaves Dean on the couch to investigate a noise*

Warlock: Splitting up?

America: Here we go again.

*Kayla returns with Jesse’s bag*

Warlock: Is there anything useful in there like a grenade?

Warlock: This movie is rated a 3.5

America: That’s generous.

Warlock: Yeah, Ankle Biters is better than this so far.

*Dean looks in Jesse’s bag*

America: Oh boy, are we gonna find a clue?

*Dean finds wood carvings with a message: “Where is my soul?”

Warlock: Ask James Brown.

*Dean turns camera on, sees a picture of a shadow*

Warlock: Naturally.

*Kayla runs on highway with flashlight*

America: That’s the best common sense I’ve seen yet. Stay on the main drag instead of run through the forest.

*Dean gets spooked by the staircase*

Warlock: What? There’s nothing there.

America: What did we learn, Dean?

*Dean falls down and crawls across the floor, out of the house into the shed*

Warlock: At least show somebody or something coming.

*Dean scrambles into the corner where gasoline falls into his eyes*

Warlock: Just don’t light a match.

*Blurred vision Dean sees overalls dude shamble toward him. Thrashes about, camera fades to black and a loud blunt object strike sound is heard*

America: I’m going to assume he’s dead.

Warlock: Yeah, he’s a gonner.

*Kayla finds a well to hide in and lays there for a minute*

Warlock: Yeah, they’ll never think to look there.

*Ghosts pass by overhead of Kayla*

America: Can we do more than 15 minutes of shadows?

*Nails pound overhead into wherever Kayla is hiding*

Warlock: Not one hit her hand?

*Place where Kayla is hiding floods with water. She emerges in the middle of the creek*

Warlock: What the hell just happened?

*Next frame shows a dry Kayla walking in the woods with the flashlight pointed at her face*

Warlock: So much for common sense.

America: Why don’t you try shining the light ahead of you instead of trying to tell ghost stories?

*Ghosts begin to surround Kayla: Stay away from me!”

America: They haven’t listened all movie, why would they start now?

*Kayla finds the wall where they were at at the beginning of the movie*

America: Hooray, we’ve come full circle

*Kayla cuts her own eyes out, hangs them on a tree, strings up a noose and hangs herself*

America: Are we going to see dangling feet or something?

*Feet dangle*

America: Thank you.

*Sheriff and Daniel investigate the crime scene. Sherriff: “Kayla is dead and the rest are missing.” Sherriff pulls out a picture and Daniel pulls out a picture, they put the pieces together and its Isabella Carter from the beginning of the movie. End credits*

America: So the cop and Daniel were there AFTER the murders? I give up.

Warlock: So the ghost of Isabella randomly attacked these people?

America: I give up.

Warlock: Me too.

The Warlock’s Assessment: That was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I give it a 1.5

Mr. America: I give it a 2 only because I’ll give the actors credit for the good job with the shitty script.

Final Assessment: 1.5 – Almost Worst Movie Of All Time.

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Good god that was bad. Apart from the acting and the one kill scene, this was complete bullshit. The plot had more holes than swiss cheese, the special effects were as special as a glass of water, the camera lighting was a abysmal and the editing department fell asleep.

America: *Looks on IMDB* A five?? Someone gave this a five? A seven??

Warlock: Were they high?

America: AN EIGHT????

Warlock: Alright I’ve heard enough.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the dvd player opens, he makes the disc levitate in the air*

Warlock: There’s only one thing left to do with this abomination.

*Warlock shoots fire and burns the disc to a crisp, setting fire to the curtains in the process*

America: YOU IDIOT!!!

*America puts the gas mask on, barrel rolls over the recliner, grabs the extinguisher and goes to town on the curtains*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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