*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black gargoyle shades, a white t-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of pepsi throwback*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock spread his arms, tilts his head and dims the lights before walking into his lair as the lights brighten*
Warlock: Happy now?
*Mr. America is in white camo fatigues, vest, hat with black combat boots and aviator shades. He’s sitting in the recliner twirling a berretta*
Mr. America: Yes, now I don’t have to restart the damn thing.
Warlock: Anyway, tonight’s playful screenplay is Demonic Toys. Following the movie we will be joined, via satellite by the world renowned toymaker Professor Nate Avarage to discuss the Toys, Dolls and Puppets phenomenon in movies.
America: Okay great, another lunatic.
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Without wasting anymore time, let’s check out Demonic Toys.
*Warlock reads the tag-line: “A policewoman, her quarry and an innocent delivery boy become trapped in a haunted toy warehouse”
America: So wait, this movie doesn’t have the midget in it?
Warlock: Sadly, no Phil Fondacaro this time.
America: This movie falls short.
*opening credits has creepy music*
Warlock: Reminds me of Puppet Master.
*featured songs by Joker*
Warlock: Jack Nicholsen or Cesar Romero?
America: So wait this is Demonic Toys right?
America: All I see in the credits is a clown, where’s the plural to Toys?
Warlock: They’re hiding.
*Movie opens with 2 boys and a woman all in white in front of a bunch of clocks. The boys are playing War the card game*
Warlock: HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
America: Absolutely nothing.
*Random shot of warehouse of boxes*
America: Oh boy, a warehouse of boxes. Its got nothing on the Indiana Jones warehouse.
*Officer Judith Gray wants to get married to her partner Matt*
Warlock: Sorry folks, should have told you about the subplot.
*Partner: Are you pregnant? Officer: I found out this morning. Matt: Yay! That’s great!*
America: I thought this was Demonic Toys, not Days of Our Lives.
*Another car pulls up to where Gray and Matt are staked out. Lincoln and Hesse exit*
America: Oh boy, you go from HOORAYYY BABY to super serious conspicuous car shows up, what a contrast!
*Hesse laughs at Gray and Matt*
America: Isn’t his cousin fighting off Bruce WIllis?
*Criminals pull guns out of trunk of their car, Lincoln describes the gun*
Warlock: Shop smart.
*Both Warlock and America: Shop S-Mart!
*Matt pulls a gun and says you’re under arrest. Hesse literally throws the gun at him instead of hitting him with the butt. Matt shoots him. Lincoln pulls a gun and shoots Matt dead*
Warlock: HE LITERALLY THREW IT AT HIM!
America: What the hell was he thinking? “Let me nudge his leg, I’ll get a running start!” Moron!
*Gray chases after criminals, one is wounded, the other isn’t. Criminals make it into the warehouse. Hesse2: I’m hit!*
America: You really need to tell him that? After he saw you get shot and fall to the ground? Are you gonna tell him his shirt is blue next? Captain obvious!
*Lincoln kicks Hesse down the flight of stairs. Gray walks right by him*
Warlock: One got away up the stairs and now you’re gonna let the other get away? This cop sucks!
Warlock: This is almost a direct ripoff of Child’s Play
America: Eddie Caputo got away though.
*Chartnetski the security guy orders food. Bad attitude Wayne has to deliver it.*
Warlock: Oooooooh he’s the edgiest guy at the chicken palace.
*Hesse crawls around a bloody mess when a strange light appears*
America: STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!
Warlock: Wrong movie.
*Hesse sees the toys: Fuckin toys!*
Warlock: Damn them!
*Hesse’s blood awakens the demonic toys*
*Gray slowly makes her away up the stairs and around door corners*
Warlock: She’s taking so long the other guy should be long gone by now.
America: What’s worse, no call for backup, no call of officer down. She’s gonna go all General Custer style.
Warlock: Going in guns a blazing would at least be one way to do it, she’s not even doing that.
*Lincoln and Gray get into a fistfight, Gray wins and cuffs him. He taunts her*
*Back to Hesse. Jack in the Box pops out, bites his face.
America: Compared to this guy, the one in cuffs is getting off easy.
*Hesse falls to the ground, Grizzly Teddy bites his finger off*
America: Finger food!
*The Kid appears and tells Hesse its time to raise hell*
Warlock: What a pun.
America: I liked it!
*A loud bang has Lincoln, Charnetski and Gray spooked*
Warlock: Huh? What was that noise?
*Charnetski is watching Puppet Master on his tv*
Warlock: These Full Moon guys like to stick together.
*Gray tries to use a phone*
America: Hello? Operator!
*Lincoln: I know my rights lady!”
Warlock: She didn’t even read him his rights.
*Wayne shows up at Arcadia Toys*
Warlock: Now its a party.
*Chartnetski lets Wayne in. Gray opens an inch break with her gun screams at him to get his attention, Wayne drives in.*
America: Try smashing the window next time, not a mousehole.
*Lincoln: A lot of good that did lady!
Warlock: Even he agrees with you.
*Charnetski leans against the door*
America: What are you gonna do, hit on him?
*Charnetski pulls out Playboy and unveils the centerfold*
Warlock: Automatically not the worst movie of all time.
*Charnetski and Wayne share beer and chicken and compare jobs*
Warlock: If nothing else, good for character development.
*Wayne: Everything tastes like chicken. Chartnetski: Yeah, except this shit!”
*Gray fires a bunch of shots to get Charnetski’s attention*
Warlock: If I were Lincoln, I’d jump her now. Out of ammo for sure.
*Charnetski goes to investigate with Wayne*
Warlock: Acting security guard.
*Chartnetski opens the door, Gray introduces herself. Tells him to call for backup*
America IDIOT! Its 1992, why didn’t she have a radio and do it herself? Didn’t they have cell phones? They were the size of bricks then but still?
Warlock: Not on a cop’s salary.
*Charnetski investigates storage room, Grizzly Teddy appears with baseball bat*
America: Now batting for the Demonic Toys, Yogi Berra comes to the plate.
*Teddy nails Charnetski in the knee*
Warlock: Base hit to center.
*Baby Oopsie Daisy makes its appearance. Says it can walk, talk and shit its pants. Asks if Charnetski can shit his pants.”
*Baby shoots Charnetski in the leg. Wayne freaks out. Teddy pops out and screams. Jack ties him up. Teddy bites, Baby stabs him in the nuts*
Warlock: What a way to go.
*Gray hears rustling in the shafts. Wayne asks what the fuck is going on. Anne pops out of the air conditioner shaft and says the toys are possessed.*
America: Who the hell are you???
*Gray grills Anne. Wayne freaks out, Gray slaps him. Meanwhile Baby drags Charnetski to where Hesse was earlier. Baby draws a pentagram around him.
Warlock: Demonic indeed.
*Gray: I don’t believe in evil spirits*
Warlock: Better start!
*Blocks move themselves to send a message that the toys want them dead. The Kid takes possession of Lincoln*
Warlock: Its about to get weird.
America: TIME TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!
*The Kid wants their flesh to survive and especially Judith’s because he needs a host*
*Anne and Wayne crawl through the shafts. Anne: Are you chicken?”
America: Buckkkk buck buck buck!
*Lincoln picks lock with pocket knife he had in his pocket*
Warlock: Isn’t she supposed to be watching?
America: She sucks.
*The Kid has Gray hallucinating that she’s in the dollhouse. He takes several forms to taunt her. He says that he’s a demon.
Warlock: Pretty strong acid.
*The Kid says he wants a body to put his soul in. He says its taken him 66 years to bring the toys to life. Flashback to 1925, Halloween Night. Its revealed The Kid died in child birth of a satanic ritual. 3 trick or treaters bury the corpse in the building construction site where the toy factory stands now. Kid takes form of Matt to taunt Judith, reveals the baby needs to be born to give the demon life.*
Warlock: At least they’re explaining it.
*Oopsy Daisy and Mr Static corner Wayne and Anne. Baby stabs Wayne, Static shoots Anne in the arm. Wayne knocks Static over and follows Anne out of the shafts. Wayne uses the bug spray and lighter trick to use it as a flamethrower to stun Oopsy Daisy. Wayne gets the shotgun out of Charnetski’s station locker as Jack in the Box sinks its teeth into first Anne, then Wayne. Oopsy jumps out of the shaft*
*Oopsy Daisy kills Anne with a knife as Wayne blows Jack’s head off with a shotgun. Daisy gets away*
Warlock: One down, 3 to go.
*Wayne checks Anne, she’s dead, he pukes*
Warlock: Heart of a lion that one.
*Kid appears in the TV at the station, Wayne breaks tv with shotgun butt. Wayne reloads shotgun*
Warlock: Its down to 3 on 3. Lincoln, Gray and Wayne against Oopsy Daisy, Mr. Static and Grizzly Teddy.
*Wayne is chased by demon girls on bicycles. Realizes they’re not real. Demon girl turns into Ms July from Playboy, totally nude.*
Warlock: This movie just got better.
*Lincoln sneaks up on Wayne, knocks him down and steals his gun. He explains how he got away and taunts him. He goes to kill Lincoln but Gray out of nowhere puts a bullet in his head. Kid possesses Lincoln and taunts them. Wayne takes his head off with the butt of the shotgun*
Warlock: How did his head fall off that easily?
America: I give up.
*Gray reveals Kid needs Wayne for power and her to impregnate. Mark freaks out and shoots the wall in anger. Camera pans to ritual room where Teddy and Oopsy Daisy hold court with The Kid. A toy soldier pops out of a nearby box complete with gun.*
Warlock: Who was that?
*Daisy tells the toys to charge. Wayne blows it away then blows Mr. Static away. Wayne and Gray open fire on all the toys*
America: Where did they get the ammo from?
*Grizzly Teddy pops up and they shoot him dead*
Warlock: That takes care of the……
*Teddy turns into a huge monster, throws Wayne down and chases Gray*
*Judith traps herself in storage closet, goes to shoot herself when Toy Soldier appears and opens a door for Gray to escape*
Warlock: A face turn?
*Judith runs into the zombie corpse of Matt, he pulls his own eyes out. Wayne wakes up and goes to reload. Meanwhile zombie Matt drags Gray into the pentagram. Matt ties up Gray as she screams nooooo*
Warlock: No means no, bitch!
*Zombie Matt turns into The Kid as Wayne makes it to his car*
Warlock: Go! Forget about her!
*Wayne runs back and tries to stop The Kid, Kid sicks Teddy on him*
America: They’re gonna go play for a while.
*Kid turns into his real form of a man with horns. He goes to rape her. Says he’s going to eat the soul of her unborn baby and be born that night.*
Warlock: Bond villain right?
America: Yup, always tell the plot!
*Kid says he’s waited 66 years for this. Wayne tries to start the car but it won’t turn*
Warlock: How come they can never get the car going?
*Kid says she won’t survive the child birth. Goes to rape her but Toy Soldier appears and shoots him*
America: Are they going to explain that?
*Wayne runs over and kills Teddy with his car. Soldier unties Judith and turns into the blonde boy from Judith’s dream. Kid transfers back into the child form. The two boys fight after Judith realizes what’s going on*
Warlock: Here’s your explanation.
*Judith stabs and kills the demon child while Wayne blows his car and Teddy’s body up. Soldier reveals he’s the unborn son and wanted to save the day.*
Warlock: Nice sob story.
*Soldier turns back into the actual wooden toy soldier. Mark Wayne walks back in: It’s over isn’t it?”
America: Until next movie
Warlock’s assessment: I thought it was good, 6 out of 10
America: Too generous…. I give it a 3.5
Final assessment: 5 out of 10….average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Now to discuss the haunted toy phenomenon, joining us live via satellite is world renowned toymaker Professor Nate Avarage. Nate can you hear me?
*The dvd menu of Demonic Toys fades and a live feed of Professor Avarage in front of a conveyor belt of action figures appears on screen*
Nate: Yes, Warlock, thanks for having me.
Warlock: What can you tell us about the phenomenon of possessed or haunted toys in the move business.
Nate: To scare the pants off children, my man. Children see toys as a sanctuary but a horror movie such as Child’s Play or Demonic Toys proves that even toys can be evil.
America: You didn’t have to scare the pants off me when I was a kid, I never wore any.
*Nate facepalms and Warlock rolls his eyes*
Warlock: Moving on, the genre was launched in the late 80’s and early 90’s, why do you think sequels and spinoffs are still being created 25 years later?
Nate: As you can see behind me, you can see the next series of Starting Lineup. As you know, Starting Lineup has been around since the late 80’s and as long as professional sports are in demand, so will the toy line. As long as there are toys, there will be horror movies about toys.
*Camera shows fluffy bunny rabbit toys, beanie babies and the snowman from Frozen going down the conveyor*
America: So what sport does the bunny rabbit play?
Nate: What? *He turns around* OH SHIT! TODD SHUT IT DOWN! HOW THE HELL DID THAT GET HERE?
*Loud buzzers go off as Nate and other workers scuttle around replacing the toys on the conveyor*
America: I don’t know about you but I think Bones the beanie baby would make a heck of a second basemen.
Warlock: To be…a winner…..anyway thanks for your time Nate.
*Nate has Todd by the collar pointing at the conveyor and shouting as the feed ends*
Warlock: Well that was interesting. Anyway that about wraps up Demonic Toys. Have a pleasant evening.