15. Meridian (1990)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair, he’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, black gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a mug of Barq’s root beer*

The Warlock: Welcome to my l…….

*All of a sudden a heavyset man in a white, doubleknit suit, blue sandals, a pink tie, glasses and a Canadian Mountie hat runs by. Warlock looks at him puzzled as he runs to the end of the hall then sprints back the other way*

The Warlock:….lair. Welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my la…..

*All of a sudden the man stops in front of Warlock*

Man: You gotta help me, the cops are after me!

Warlock: Um, we’re filming here and I don’t think harboring criminals is a….

Man: I’ll pay you 50 dollars if you’ll let me in.

*He pulls a 50 dollar bill from his wallet*

Warlock: ….a bad thing at all. Come on in. *Warlock takes the 50*

*Warlock enters the lair with the man, Mr. America stands up. He’s wearing his white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots, aviator shades and dog tags*

Mr. America: Who the hell is this?

The Warlock: Um….

Man: Jedley….Jay Z Jedley.

Mr. America: What the hell is he doing here?

Man: The cops on my tail, I need a place to crash.

Mr. America: Why the hell did you let him in?

Warlock: He paid us 50 bucks.

Mr. America: Oh ok…come and sit.

*Jedley sits on the left side of the couch, America in the recliner*

Warlock: Tonight’s tale is Meridian, a 1990 horror about a haunted Italian castle.

Jedley: Mangia, mangia!

*Warlock shoots a glare and America facepalms*

Warlock: You will NOT talk during the movie!

*Jedley stops talking*

Warlock: So without further aideu, its time for Meridian.

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “When a young woman visits her recently inherited Italian castle, she discovers that she has also inherited a medieval curse that threatens her life.”

America: That’s just too stupid for words.

*Opening credits*

America: I don’t know any of these people apart from the midget

Warlock: That’s not a good thing.

America: Kind of sad the gargoyles on the castle are more impressive than the cast.

*Midget, guy juggling torches a woman and a druid walk out of a hellmouth*

Warlock: Is the circus in town?

America: This movie wasted no time getting weird.

*Guy with bald head and hair on the side examines picture*

Warlock: Hey look its Larry Fine!

*Catherine introduces Gina to Martha*

Warlock: Hey that’s Curley’s Wife in Of Mice and Men!

America: Oh I’m just brimming with excitement.

*Catherine smiles*

Warlock: That mole on her eye won best supporting actor.

*Gina looks outside. Gina: Its one of those sideshows*

America: That’s no ice cream truck.

*Catherine and Gina walks around the castle*

America: Its leisurely stroll time.

*Magician: Ladies and Gentleman!”

*Warlock and America look around confused*

*Magician: We come from the exotic corners of the earth*

America: No you didn’t, you came out of the mouth of the stone faced sculpture.

*Executioner shoots arrow through tambourine*

Warlock: William Shatner is in mourning.

*Snake charmer on stage: HA!

Warlock: HIYAH!

America: Since when do snake charmers kill the snakes?

*Magician throws knives at Gina in front of the crowd*

Warlock: Watch, he misses and its a lawsuit on his hands.

*Magician gives monologue and then does nothing*

America: That’s it? “We tease death muahahah” I don’t think she’s in much peril.

*Catherine has an elaborate feast with friends and family*

America: The table looks like King Richard’s Fair.

*Magician: Distinguished guests!*

America: Distinguished guests?? YOU’RE the guest!

*Strongman and snake charmer clang their mugs together in a toast*

Warlock: More ale wench!

*Dwarf gets on table and pours wine for people*

Warlock: Is he gonna dance on the table next?

America: No he’s going to poison the two girls.

*Magician makes goblet disappear*

America: Nice going asshole, you ruined the kitchen set. What’s the idea?

*Gina starts feeling woozy*

Warlock: Good call on the poison.

*Magician rips Gina’s top off, exposing her breasts*

Warlock: Well this just got better. This is automatically not the worst movie of all time.

*Magician carries Catherine into the next room, strips her naked*

Warlock: So he whips Gina’s tits out then goes after Catherine?

America: My hero.

*Magician kisses Catherine’s neck*

Warlock: Is he kissing or is he a vampire?

America: We’ll find out.

*Magician starts stripping*

America: I’m still waiting for the curse because all I’ve seen is date rape.

Warlock: Well you can’t rape the willing.

America: What???

Warlock: Well, she’s not exactly resisting and she’s kissing back.

America: Last time I checked, a date rape drug inhibits your ability to resist and be aware

Warlock: Ohhhhh, a date rape DRUG, I forgot about that.

America: What the fuck did you think I was talking about?

*Magician stops stripping and walks out of room. Tells executioner outside that she’s all yours*

America: That’s the worst case of self inflicting blue balls I’ve ever seen.

Warlock: Maybe he’s gay.

America: That would explain it then.

*Executioner unmasks to be Magician’s twin brother*

Warlock: A double role?

America: Not exactly phantom of the opera.

*Magician walks back in the room. Starts making out with her*

Warlock: Wait, is that the brother or him?

America: I’m confused.

*Executioner starts stripping Gina completely*

Warlock: Ohhhhh, I get it now. The twins are getting their mack on.

America: You know what this means? It means their disappearing box trick the lamest trick in the world. There’s no optical illusion to it. The first guy is “oh I’ll just hide in this box for an hour until the show closes until after you pop out of the other one, they won’t know a thing!”

*Magician with Catherine, Executioner with Gina*

Warlock: Well this makes a great orgy but what about the rest of the freaks?

America: If this is an orgy, does that mean the rest of the freaks are running a train on the old nanny?

Warlock: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

America: Yeah, this is no orgy.

*Magician is having sex with Catherine, Executioner with Gina*

Warlock: So this was just an elaborate scheme to get the twins laid.

*Magician turns into a werewolf, continues sex*

Warlock: Awooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

America: Yup, right movie this time.

*Martha to Catherine: Your friends were…interesting*

Warlock: Ha! She WAS in the orgy.

*Catherine: I think something terrible may have happened.”

America: Did it have something to do with silver?

Warlock: I just realized the last 3 movies we’ve seen had Phil Fondacaro in it?

America: Oh yeah.

*Catherine: What happened last night? Gina: I don’t know. I think we were drugged*

Warlock: No shit.

America: Reeeeeally???

*Gina: We should go to the police*

Warlock: On what grounds?

America: On THESE grounds.

*Catherine: I’ll see you soon*

America: Sooner than you think.

*Catherine fixes a sculpture*

Warlock: Is that Abraham Lincoln with leaves on his head?

America: Why the hell would that be Abraham Lincoln?

Warlock: Its just missing a beard.

America: You peon.

*Catherine walks down a long hallway*

America: Oh boy, long hallway. Now we know its a horror movie. Oh look, eerie staircases!

*Catherine walks to a bed with a dead girl on it*

Warlock: Who the hell is that?

*Catherine grabs Martha and brings her to the room with the dead girl on the bed. There’s no one there*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

*Catherine: I don’t know what’s wrong with me.*

Warlock: My first thought would be….a lot.

*Catherine runs into Magician/Lawrence*

America: You again!

*Lawrence: When we made love, what we felt, it was real. Catherine: Leave me alone*

Warlock: Shut down

*America makes plane crashing sounds*

*Gina starts coloring a painting*

America: Now watch this reveal something about the freaks they just ran into

Warlock: Oh of course.

*Gina discovers the castle hidden underneath the tree in the painting*

Warlock: Good call.

*Lawrence: I love you too much to have her kill you. Oliver: You mean hate me too much. Lawrence: That too.

Warlock: Cain and Abel?

America: Romulus and Remus?

Warlock: Kenan and Kel?

America: …..no.

*Dead blonde girl from earlier walks upstairs. Catherine: What’s wrong?*

America: You just found her dead earlier. Obviously a lot is wrong. Although whatever doctor she has is a freakin miracle worker.

*Wall separates to create an opening with a fiery red light. The werewolf carries the blonde girl out and lays her on the bed. Werewolf turns and looks at Catherine*

America: Hiiiiii!

*Martha revives Catherine with guy next to her*

Warlock: Who the hell is this guy?

America: The janitor

*Martha: The girl in white was your father’s sister*

Warlock: Auntie?

America: Oh boy, plot reveal. Time to explain EVERYTHING!

*Martha reveals the blonde girl’s name was Audrey*

Warlock: So Lawrence bagged the aunt and the niece?

America: Or Oliver.

*Martha reveals a group of traveling magician and friends, the magician wanted Audrey and got her. Eventually she was killed by a creature. The father of Catherine would see the ghost of Audrey in the castle after that. Catherine: The magician still exists*

America: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn!!

*Catherine: So I’m supposed to accept that as a rational explanation. Martha: You must decide for yourself if you accept that or not.*

America: If you accepted that as rational, you’d only be the second person in movie history.

Warlock: The first being the cops from The Ice Cream Man right?

America: Yes!

*Gina reveals the werewolf in the painting*

America: You know for the amount of time its taking her to figure out the painting is her sister’s castle, Jeapordy music would be appropriate. *starts singing the theme*

Warlock: There’s no need to sing.

America: Do do do do DO, do-dod-

Warlock: Will you shut up!!

*Catherine finishes the sculpture, its Lawrence*

Warlock: So much for Lincoln.

America: Ugh….idiot.

*Oliver says no one will hear Catherine and he goes to rape her*

Warlock: Oh boy, old fashioned rape

*Werewolf pounces on Oliver and stops him*

Warlock: Wait, I thought Oliver was the werewolf!

America: I’ve given up following this.

Warlock: There’s still a half hour left.

America: This is gonna be a long ass fight.

*Werewolf lets Oliver go, Catherine wakes up. Werewolf motions that he’s not going to hurt her.

America: Use your words.

*Wereworlf disappears through the red doorway as before*

America: So are we supposed to assume the other brother went out the same way.

Warlock: No he jumped out the window.

America: Oh ok.

*Gina discovers the painting is of Catherine*

Warlock: Its about time.

*Werewolf and Catherine start making out*

Warlock: Would this be considered bestiality?

America: Probably.

*Wereworlf howls after having sex*

Warlock: That’s quite the money shot.

*Martha taps Catherine, its all a dream*

Warlock: Whatever drugs she’s on, I want no part of.

*Oliver stabs himself with an arrow, Lawrence mocks him*

Warlock: Ok, so Oliver is the werewolf and Lawrence is the evil brother.

*Lawrence: Only someone that loves you can kill you and obviously you don’t love yourself. Oliver: You do it. Lawrence: I detest you. Oliver: YOU’RE the beast Lawrence.*

Warlock: That would have been good dialogue if it was for a different movie.

*Audrey appears behind Catherine*

Warlock: Auntie!

*Catherine: I need your help!*

America: That’s an understatement.

*Red doorway opens, Oliver walks out. Oliver: I swear I did not kill that child (Audrey). Catherine: Then who did?*

Warlock: Good ol Larry!

*Oliver reveals he killed Audrey and the father cursed him. He’s come back for Catherine to kill him. She refuses to do so*

Warlock: Do it! Do it! Do it!

*Oliver turns into werewolf*

Warlock: I thought he needed a full moon to do that.

America: Apparently not.

Warlock: Oh wait, this is a Full Moon production, he can do it at will.

America: Ughhhhh

*Werewolf simply walks back through red doorway*

America: Not a very convincing argument.

Warlock: There’s still 20 minutes to go.

America: Yeah, and we have a body count of ZERO!

*Priest reveals Martha has been dead the last 6 months*

Warlock: That can’t be right. There was another dude with her when she woke up.

*Catherine is packing and Martha walks in. Martha gets Catherine to reveal she loves Oliver. Catherine says she can’t understand how he can be so evil all the time. Martha tells her that it can’t be him that’s evil.*

America: So now let’s put two and two together.

*Martha disappears in the doorway*

Warlock: They still haven’t explained who that guy was if she is, in fact, a ghost.

America: You’re still trying to make sense of this? I gave up a half hour ago.

*Catherine puts old dress on and walks through red doorway*

Warlock: Finally, this is about to end. Here we go.

America: Yayyyyyyyy…..

*Oliver reveals Lawrence is his brother. He reveals Lawrence killed Audrey because he didn’t want Audrey to kill Oliver and break the curse*

Warlock: How are they immortal?

America: I’m pretty sure its the curse.

Warlock: Does that include the traveling circus guys too?

America: Who cares?

Warlock: Lunkhead!

*Oliver gives sob story to synthesizer music*

America: Oh get over it!

*Catherine to Oliver: I do love you*

Warlock: Kill him!

America: Awwww isn’t that sweet…..now kill him.

*Catherine figures out its Lawrence and not Oliver. He smiles evily and drags her away*

Warlock: Should have known.

*Lawrence holds Catherine at knife point. Oliver as the werewolf appears and howls*

Warlock: Worst stealth ever.

America: Nooo. Laser Mission was the worst.

*Oliver holds up crossbow and aims it at Lawrence as Gina appears and hides behind a tree*

Warlock: Its a Mexican standoff!

*Dwarf appears and whips the crossbow from Oliver;s hands*

Warlock: Where did HE come from?

America: He overlooked him.

*Gina picks up crossbow, hands it to Oliver. He shoots Lawrence……in the arm.*

Warlock: Now we question him.

*Oliver and Catherine walk toward each other. Oliver growls and shoots Lawrence with the crossbow who had snuck up from behind*

Warlock: Where’d he get a second arrow?

America: Its an automatic.

*Lawrence dies and disappears*

America and Warlock: Ehhhhhhhhh *pretends to be dead*

*Oliver: The curse is broken, he was a beast*

Warlock: What a twist.

*Circus goes back through the hellmouth, Oliver takes Catherine with him*

Warlock: What about Gina?

America: She just vanished into thin air.

*End credits*

Warlock: This movie has more holes than swiss cheese.

America: We had a total body count of one.

Mr. America’s assessment: 2 out of 10 for the two brothers…had a howling time.

The Warlock: Well the acting was good, the tits were great…I give it a 4

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 …..Abysmal

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

The Warlock: Well that was…..awful. The acting wasn’t bad, the story was too stupid. All in all it was…..

*There’s a knock on the door*

Jedley: Oh no, its the cops!

America: Don’t worry, we got your back.

Warlock: Just shut up and we’ll handle it.

*Warlock and America open the door. Officer Osgood answers in full standard uniform*

Warlock: How can we help you officer?

Osgood: We’re looking for a cat burglar that’s been making his rounds in the area.

Warlock: I think everyone’s cat around here is accounted for.

Osgood: That’s not what I me….

*America cuts him off*

America: Well there’s no burglars around here.

Warlock: Yeah we haven’t seen anyone around here.

Osgood: Well….ok….just in case you do, his name is Jedley, and the reward is 5,000 dollars.

*America and Warlock look at each other for a second, turn around and point*

Warlock and America: HE’S OVER THERE! RIGHT THERE! OVER THERE!

*The cops run in the room, Jedley notices*

Jedley: Oh you guys suck!

*Jedley dives out the open window, the cop gets stuck in the window going after him*

Jedley: Uh…guys…little help?

*America facepalms, Warlock shakes his head and turns to the camera*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

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