14. Evil Bong (2006)


*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black tuxedo, white dress shirt, red tie, black dress shoes, black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi.*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock turns his head and the ground starts to shake until he turns his head back up. He enters the lair*

The Warlock: Don’t mind our attire, we just came from a wedding. With us as always is Mr. America. Mr. Wallstreet couldn’t be here today, Dow Jones was too hopping for him to miss.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing a gray Joseph A Bank suit with a pink dress shirt, gray tie, black dress shoes and aviator shades*

Mr. America: So we’re down one of the troops, lovely. We’re taking a hit on this one.

The Warlock: Oh don’t worry, he’ll be sky high when he comes back. Tonight’s terror tale is Evil Bong….yes…evil….bong. Words cannot describe how stupid this sounds, but with any movie, you can’t judge it just by its cover.

Mr. America: That’s some pretty strong shit.

The Warlock: So let’s not waste anymore time, its time for Evil Bong.

*The Warlock sits on the right side of the couch and reads the tagline: “Straight-laced nerd Alistair moves into a college dorm with hardcore marijuana users Brett, Larnell, and Bachman. Larnell orders an old giant bong that proves to have strange magical powers.”

Mr. America: I wonder if our scoring by the ending of this film will set a new high.

*Opening song plays*

The Warlock: I can write a better song than this.

*Credits: Special appearance by Tommy Chong*

The Warlock: You KNEW he had to be in this.

*Credits: Edited by Danny Draven*

Mr. America: Him again? We may be in trouble.

*Allstair knocks on the door and says Hellooooooooo*


*Larnell throws magazine at Bachman to wake him up*

The Warlock: Should have used one of grenades

*Brett comes out of the bathroom and shakes Allstair’s hand*

Mr.America: I seriously doubt he washed.

The Warlock: So Brett’s a jock, Larnell and Bachman are beach bums and Allstair’s a nerd. If this wasn’t a horror movie it would make for an interesting 80’s sitcom.

Mr. America: Highly unlikely.

*Brett picks up a seashell off his trophy case and stares at it*

Mr. America: To be, or not to be.

*Larnell offers Allstair a joint, he turns it down. Larnell: Seriously?”

The Warlock: That’s low.

*Bachman: Large bong for sale. Recently deceased owner claims its possessed.*

The Warlock: How to ruin a movie!

Mr. America: “Yeahhh, that bong’s a scam mannnnn. Don’t get it…. THE END.

*Bachman: If there’s one thing this pad needs is a killer fuckin bong!*

Mr. America: He got the killer part right.

*Larnell is playing Super Mario World on Super Nintendo with the wrong sound effects*

The Warlock: What, didn’t want to pay royalties to Nintendo? Cheap bastards.

*Mailman delivers package. Larnell: What’s in it? Mailman: I don’t look in the boxes!”

Mr. America: What an idiot.

*Brett gives Larnell’s sob story*

Mr. America: Hand me a handkerchief

*Larnell looks at the bong. Brett: This is a piece of crap”

The Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Random music plays as the boys take hits from the Evil Bong*

Mr. America: Where did the music come from?

*Bachman falls over after taking a hit*

The Warlock: He took knock yourself out too seriously.

*Larnell puts the bong on Brett’s trophy case*

Mr America: The first of many judgments I’ve questioned.

*Allstair is sleeping*

The Warlock: Meanwhile Allstair Cookie over here.

*The bong comes alive*

Mr. America: The bong is up to no good.

*Everyone is asleep*

Mr America: We got quite the collection of passed out idiots. We got one is out cold with porno mags, the other is passed out with his hand down his pants, the third is too busy bookworming and surprise surprise, the last one simply got too high.

*graphic 24 hours later*

Mr. America: Munchies pending.

*Brett: And that…is Al washing his skivvies in the sink*

The Warlock: Washing machines didn’t exist in 2006?

*Allstair says high to Lueanne and Janet*

Mr. America: Let’s get high high high

*An actual funny scene plays out where Allstair has soap and water on his pants*

The Warlock: Automatically this is not the worst movie of all time

*Luanne walks away, Bong calls her a bitch*

The Warlock: So that makes the bong the smartest character in the movie outside of Allstair. You got Allstair, the bong then pick your poison.

Mr. America: So the evil bong is calling people out on the way they are behaving? Yeah, go evil bong on her!

The Warlock: Patience! She’ll get hers.

Mr. America: I’m highly anticipating that.

*Evil bong sucks the soul out of Bachman into Bong World. The first scene of Bong World is a strip club. Mr. America and Warlock throw their phones and remote behind their heads*

The Warlock: This just got better.

Mr. America: Yup.

*Marvin from Decadent Evil shows up followed by Ivan*

The Warlock: Holy shit, Bong World is the strip club from Decadent Evil

Mr. America: Watch out for vampires.

*Bachman tries to sweet talk the stripper*

Mr America: Here’s a tip, when you have to translate your own jibber jabber, IT DOESN’T WORK!

*Mr. America notices the stripper is topless on the pole but when she goes to lapdance Bachman, she has a skull bra on.*

Mr. America: World’s worst strip club business model. Who puts clothes ON during the course of the night? Ughhhhhh

The Warlock: I want my 10 dollars back.

Mr, America: Ten! I only paid 5!

The Warlock: Lucky you.

*Stripper: Wanna see more?*

Mr. America: See more? You’re gonna see less!

*Marvin jacks it to Bachman getting bit by the bra vampire. Ivan: Nasty!*

The Warlock: Dammit Marvin.

*Allstair and Brett kick Bachman, he doesn’t respond. They discover he’s dead*

The Warlock: The plot thickens!!!

*Allstair goes to call the cops, Brett stops him. Brett: Look around bro!*

The Warlock: Brett’s the only one thinking.

*There’s a knock on the door. Allstair: There’s someone at the door.”

The Warlock: No shit.

*Allstair: Have you two gone completely insane?*

Mr. America: No but close!

*Grandpa overhypes his new wife*

Mr. America: I got a bad feeling about this.

*Grandpa calls Larnell every name in the book*

The Warlock: You know he kind of looks like Jon Papelbon.

Mr. America: Hardly….

*Grandpa introduces Rosemary, who’s a 90 year old lady. Larnell’s face turns sour real quick*

Mr. America: Told you I had a bad feeling about this.

The Warlock: Larnell’s face says it all.

*Grandpa: You wouldn’t believe what a vixen she is in the sack*

The Warlock: I’m gonna throw up.

*Brett gives Allstair a pep talk*

The Warlock: Rallying the troops.

*Brett goes into a love story. Warlock and America pretend to fall asleep*

*Larnell is baked in a chair*

The Warlock: Those are the worst looking pajamas.

Mr. America: I doubt he’ll need them much longer.

*Eebee: Come on baby…take me…take me*

Warlock: Jeeeeeeesus

*Eebee takes Larnell into Bong World*

The Warlock: Back to Bong World.

*Sylvester Terkay is Evil Bong’s bouncer/bodyguard*

The Warlock: He goes from the NCAA Wrestling National Championship to ECW…..to bouncing in Bong World.

Mr America: I got nothing.

*Larnell requests rock music at the strip club*

Mr. America: Thank you.

*Gingerdead Man shows up and says he’d like to bite off the pastry of the stripper. Larnell: That’s what I’m talking about*

The Warlock: Is everyone from Full Moon in on this?

Mr. America: Where did he come from? I didn’t hear a timer go off.

*Sylvester Terkay throws Grandpa out of Bong World*

The Warlock: That’s the highlight of the movie.

*Shark bra eats Larnell’s arm*

The Warlock: Death by Jaws

*Luann: Where’s Bachman? Allstair: He’s dead tired*

Mr. America: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

*Allstair hits on Janet badly*

Mr. America: We have better game than this.

*Luann takes a hit from Eebie*

Warlock: She was just badmouthing the thing earlier in the movie!

*Luann puts the pogo stick aside and starts stripping*

Mr. America: Where’d she get the pogo stick?

Warlock: Hold on, this just got better.

*Luann starts spazzing out*

The Warlock: What the hell was that?

America: I don’t know.

*Luann starts getting off by bouncing on the pogo stick*

The Warlock: I bet you the cast had to do about 8 takes because they were laughing their asses off.

*Janet starts stripping Allstair. Allstair: So what do you do Janet?”

Warlock: You…

The Warlock: There’s still a half hour left.

Mr. America: The two chicks and Brett took hits, that means we got a kill to death ratio of one every 10 minutes.

*Allstair notices Larnell is dead. Allstair: I believe we’re dealing with a world beyond the realm of physical*

Mr. America: Oh god

*Luann and Brett get sucked into Bong World*

Mr. America: This should be interesting.

*Jack from the Demonic Toys pops up and scares Luann before Terkay comes and takes her away*

The Warlock: Yup, EVERYONE’S in on this.

*Jack Deth from Trancers shows up and says his hair is perfect*

Warlock: Guess he’s in a trance huh?

America: I’ll have you taken out of here.

*Carla from Brett’s past confronts him*

The Warlock: I bet you 5 dollars she’s gonna bite his dick off.

Mr. America: Unlike Final Examination, she really IS a biter.

*Carla’s bra bites Brett’s dick off*

Warlock: I told you.

America: That was the most painful death yet.

*Eebie comes alive, Tommy Chong walks in the door*

Warlock: About damn time!

America: Yes, time to explain EVERYTHING!

*Chong/Jimbo: Its the bong man, its evil. My wife man, she sold all my shit. The guy who sold it to me said it had some voodoo curse on it. It killed all my friends*

*Allstair prepares to go in to Bong World to save Janet, Jimbo helps him to get high*

Warlock: He needs Cheech for assistance.

*Eebie cons Jimbo into taking a hit. He goes to, stops and grabs a hammer. Jimbo: I’ve come to take you out bitch!*

The Warlock: I’m high on life because of this movie.

*Jimbo whacks Eebie with a hammer but there’s a force field. He goes to chop it up with a chainsaw but the force field stays*

*Janet is with a male stripper*

Warlock: Equality for all.

*Allstair stands up to male stripper by taking his army helmet off and dropping it on the ground*

Warlock: Yeah he sure showed him.

Mr America: What a show of force!

*Jimbo pulls out a bomb, Eebie blows powerful bud that knocks Jimbo down*

Warlock: It was great while it lasted.

*Allstair bumps into Bill Moseley. He wonders where the exit is*

Warlock: Yeah, take a left at the Devil’s Rejects and a right at the House of a thousand corpses

*Allstair goes on an epic speech*

Warlock: Forget it, he’s rolling.

America: What a campaign speech.

*Jimbo suicide bombs Bong World as Allstair and Janet escape*

Warlock: Yay a happy ending….but what about the others?

*Brett, Luann, Larnell and Bachman are back, but not Jimbo. Allstair: Truly a heroes demise*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Jimbo is now in charge of Bong World and he wants the strippers to play with the hot wheel toy cars*

Warlock: Only he could pull that off.

*As the credits roll, a preview for Evil Bong 2 plays*

Warlock: That was retarded

America: Ughhhh, looks stupid.

Warlock: We’re totally watching that.

America: Oh totally.

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

The Warlock: Well that was fun….yeah, that’s the best way to describe the movie. Fun! It doesn’t take itself seriously which is why its worth watching.

Mr America: Dude…..that movie was like….philosophical bro…..

The Warlock: Really?

Mr. America: NO! You idiot….it was stupid.

The Warlock: Well that about wraps up Evil Bong. Guess I need to go sequel hunting. Have a pleasant evening.


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