*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a plain black t-shirt, gray khaki shorts, black gargoyle shades and holding a water bottle*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your roasting host The Warlock. *He goes to shoot fire from his wrist but then stops himself.* Nah, too hot for that shit. Anyway, in case you haven’t noticed its 90 degrees out and the air conditioner is broken.
*Warlock enters his lair*
The Warlock: With me in this extreme heat is Mr. America.
*Mr America is sitting in the recliner, his vest and hat are off and he only has on white camo shorts with no sunglasses. He’s fanning himself with a rolled up Wallstreet Journal and drinking out of a World War 1 canteen*
Mr. America: You can shoot fire but can you shoot ice for once?
The Warlock: Do I look like Sub-Zero? Anyway, tonight’s tale is Decadent Evil…a tale of a vampire that feasts on strippers.
Mr. America: Well at least there will be strippers.
The Warlock: So without further delay, its time for Decadent Evil.
*Warlock reads the tagline*
The Warlock: “A vampire named Morella feasts upon the blood of strip club clientele while housing her ex-lover Marvin, part human, part reptile in a bird cage”
Mr. America: Ohhhhh…kay?
*Warlock reads the time of movie*
The Warlock: This is only 67 minutes long.
Mr. America: So much for character development.
*Movie opens with a shot of the cage*
The Warlock: There’s the cage.
America: Wasting no time are they?
Warlock: They only have 67 minutes.
*Marvin is shown in his cage*
The Warlock: He looks like a diseased muppet.
Mr. America: He looks like a sunburned troll.
*Montage of Monsieur Ash is shown*
Mr. America: He challenges you to a duel.
*Ivan tells the tale of Ash and Morella*
Mr, America: So let me get this straight, a family of vampires….nevermind I’m lost.
The Warlock: Think of it as the mafia, Morella wanted to form her own family in the states.
*3rd grade CGI credits roll*
Mr. America: Your credits don’t impress me.
*Edited by Danny Draven*
Mr. America: You did a terrible job!
*Free parking in rear*
The Warlock: Her rear?
America: The first of many innuendos.
*Stripper gets naked*
Warlock: Automatically this is not the worst movie of all time
America: Good to know
*Emcee: Gentleman take your hands out of your pants and put them together*
Warlock: I don’t want to.
*Emcee: Remember the more green you see, the more pink you see.”
Warlock: Good deal.
America: You know what audience his comedy is perfect for?
*Guy goes to touch stripper but she blocks his hands*
*Spyce gives Tami a lap dance, Tami is grossed out*
Warlock: Neyzor Blades would be like that.
America: The stripper?
Warlock: Noooo! Idiot….
*Motage of stripping, lapdances and electro music goes on for minutes*
Warlock: I fail to see how this is a bad movie.
*Camera pans to Tami, Bruce and Spyce entering a mansion*
Mr. America: That’s the second time now they’ve done a really bad job disguising a miniature set as an authentic wide shot.
*Tami looks at the gothic setting. “This is creepy”
Warlock: She’s the only smart one.
*Bruce: Get undressed for me and I’ll never ever ever ever ask you for anything again”
Warlock: Famous last words.
America: I don’t believe you.
*Spyce and Bruce strip Tami*
Warlock: So far so good.
*Morella feasts on Bruce, Tami runs away screaming in her underwear. Morella and Spyce show their fangs*
The Warlock: That didn’t take long.
Mr. America: I’m still trying to sink my teeth into the plot of this.
Warlock: HA HA HA….ha…ha…
*Tami goes to open the front door, its locked*
Warlock: Its always locked, ever notice that?
America: At least they’re thinking a little bit.
*Tami goes for the phone, its dead*
America: Nope, the phone’s for show”
*Tami runs into Marvin*
Warlock: The diseased muppet returns.
*Morella feasts on Tami*
Warlock: So much for character development
*Spyce: You finished her off? Morella: Take her to the incinerator”
The Warlock: Incinerator Clayton!
*Morella asks where Spyce’s sister is, Spyce answers she’s working till close. Next scene shows a couple fucking*
America: I’m guessing this is the sister.
*Guy looks like Ryan Reynolds*
Warlock: Its Ryan Reynolds!
America: Nah, the real Ryan would never do crap like this?
*Dex: “Spyce has always been bitchy to me”
Warlock: Haha, you’re not the only one buddy.
*Sugar: We’ll have our own place soon*
Warlock: Wait…Sugar and Spyce?
*Full moon is shown, Warlock barks at it*
America: Wrong movie fool.
*Morella is “tanning” in the moonlight”
America: I thought it was supposed to be sun.
*Morellla: You know the rules, you can’t date humans. They’re different than us.”
America: Yeah, for starters we’re not immortal, they are.
*Morella tells the tale of Marvin, how she caught him with another woman before she turned him into…that*
Warlock: Poor Marvin
*Studboy talks to Dark Lady (Spyce): I can’t wait much longer. I have to meet you*
Mr. America: The anticipation is killing me, what is she gonna sayyyyyy?
*Someone knocks on Dex’ door. He wakes up “What the hell?”
America: Guess he doesn’t own an alarm clock.
*Ivan tells Dex how he investigated the murders. The lighting shows Dex all bug eyed*
America: Terrible lighting effect.
*Dex: So you’re a vampire hunter? Ivan: Yes”
Warlock: Guess he’s seen the error of his ways since Bordello of Blood…..then again this movie looks to be just a low budget knock off.
*Studboy is revealed to be a fat middle aged guy with glasses*
America: I’m studly disappointed. I like how he throws punches in the mirror as if he’s a 90’s tv superhero character. Wohoo gonna save the dayyyy.
*Spyce: You’re not what I expected Studboy”
America: That’s an understatement.
*Spyce feeds on Lester*
Warlock: We hope you’re enjoying no moral theater.
*Ivan pulls out his vampire compass and it points to Sugar’s bag. Ivan: Take my advice kid, break up with her gently.
*Ivan goes through Sugar’s bag, finds her address*
America: They found a clue!
*Morella threatens Spyce*
Warlock: Can’t really kill what’s already dead.
*Sugar chills with Marvin*
Warlock: Put on Sesame Street.
*Sugar leaves Marvin’s cage door open to go and answer the door.*
America: Hurry Marvin, its a jailbreak! Go as fast as your tiny feet will take you!
*Dex confronts Sugar, she admits she’s a vampire*
Warlock: So its a reverse Twilight.
*Dex: So its true, she is a vampire. Ivan: Forget about her kid, go find a nice girl that doesn’t mind sunlight*
America: Yeah, because finding someone that doesn’t want to kill you isn’t a bigger issue.
*Dex: This garlic will mask your scent for 10 minutes.*
America: Hurry up, you already wasted 30 seconds!
*Dex goes to rescue Sugar, tries to convince her to leave. Sugar: Give me a minute to pack*
Warlock: Typical women, always late, even in tragedy.
*Spyce and Morella have some random blonde hooker spread eagle and cuffed to the bed, Morella takes the girls’ corset off*
Warlock: Ivan…hold on a minute.
*Marvin spies on the hooker, makes weird noises but doesn’t do anything*
Warlock: Is he jacking off?
*Spyce catches Sugar trying to leave and brings her to Morella. Marvin climbs the bed to stare at hooker. He then licks her nipple.*
Warlock: Ohhhh my god hahaha.
*Morella catches Marvin, calls him bad boy and throws him in the cage. She feasts on hooker*
Warlock: 2 to go!
*Spyce taunts Sugar: How does it feel to be the bad one for once?
Warlock: Slap her!
*Spyce attacks Ivan, Ivan stabs her in the chest with a stake.*
Warlock: That’s not where the heart is.
*Spyce dies, Sugar pulls stake out. Sugar: She was my friend!”
America: Key word…was!
*Ivan spots Marvin in the cage. Ivan: Dad??*
Warlock: I knew it!
*Morella: You’d never be faithful to Sugar. You’re a man. All men are unfaithful.”
Warlock: Oh wonderful, she’s a feminazi to boot!
*Ivan: She’s been keeping you in this cage all this time? For 30 years? I’ll make her pay.”
Warlock: He shall be revenged!
*Morella: I got 9,998 marks in that book. Ivan: You’ve been pretty busy for an old bitch!”
Warlock and America: Hahahahahaha
*Ivan tries to stab Morella, she blocks it. Dex just stands there*
Warlock: Is he just gonna stand there or is he gonna do something?
*Ivan eats the ring on Marvin’s finger, she feasts on him. Then starts getting sick*
Warlock: We’re not gonna see it????
*Sugar and Dex kiss in the moonlight, Morella catches them. Morella collapses and turns into a green muppet thing. Movie ends with Marvin fucking Morella*
Warlock: Well so much for this being a good movie…
America: Muppet sex…ugh.
*End credits song plays*
Warlock: Not only that, this ending song sucks.
*A bizarre preview of the sequel plays before going back to the credits*
Warlock: So they’re advertising the second movie before the end credits for this one is over?
America: That’s promising!
The Warlock’s assessment: 4 out of 10
Mr. America’s assessment: 3 out of 10
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10
*Warlock rises from the couch and grunts when his skin gets caught in the leather*
The Warlock: Owwwwwwww…..well that was, interesting. It was fine until the ending. At least we know there’s a sequel. Until then, that’s all for now.
Mr. America: I’m about to piss myself in anticipation!
Warlock: Did not need to know that. That about wraps up the heat wave version of Decadent Evil. Have a pleasant evening.