13. Decadent Evil (2005)

decadent evil

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a plain black t-shirt, gray khaki shorts, black gargoyle shades and holding a water bottle*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your roasting host The Warlock. *He goes to shoot fire from his wrist but then stops himself.* Nah, too hot for that shit. Anyway, in case you haven’t noticed its 90 degrees out and the air conditioner is broken.

*Warlock enters his lair*

The Warlock: With me in this extreme heat is Mr. America.

*Mr America is sitting in the recliner, his vest and hat are off and he only has on white camo shorts with no sunglasses. He’s fanning himself with a rolled up Wallstreet Journal and drinking out of a World War 1 canteen*

Mr. America: You can shoot fire but can you shoot ice for once?

The Warlock: Do I look like Sub-Zero? Anyway, tonight’s tale is Decadent Evil…a tale of a vampire that feasts on strippers.

Mr. America: Well at least there will be strippers.

The Warlock: So without further delay, its time for Decadent Evil.

*Warlock reads the tagline*

The Warlock: “A vampire named Morella feasts upon the blood of strip club clientele while housing her ex-lover Marvin, part human, part reptile in a bird cage”

Mr. America: Ohhhhh…kay?

*Warlock reads the time of movie*

The Warlock: This is only 67 minutes long.

Mr. America: So much for character development.

*Movie opens with a shot of the cage*

The Warlock: There’s the cage.

America: Wasting no time are they?

Warlock: They only have 67 minutes.

*Marvin is shown in his cage*

The Warlock: He looks like a diseased muppet.

Mr. America: He looks like a sunburned troll.

*Montage of Monsieur Ash is shown*

Mr. America: He challenges you to a duel.

*Ivan tells the tale of Ash and Morella*

Mr, America: So let me get this straight, a family of vampires….nevermind I’m lost.

The Warlock: Think of it as the mafia, Morella wanted to form her own family in the states.

*3rd grade CGI credits roll*

Mr. America: Your credits don’t impress me.

*Edited by Danny Draven*

Mr. America: You did a terrible job!

*Free parking in rear*

The Warlock: Her rear?

America: The first of many innuendos.

*Stripper gets naked*

Warlock: Automatically this is not the worst movie of all time

America: Good to know

*Emcee: Gentleman take your hands out of your pants and put them together*

Warlock: I don’t want to.

*Emcee: Remember the more green you see, the more pink you see.”

Warlock: Good deal.

America: You know what audience his comedy is perfect for?

Warlock: What?

America: Crickets.

*Guy goes to touch stripper but she blocks his hands*

Warlock: Denied!

*Spyce gives Tami a lap dance, Tami is grossed out*

Warlock: Neyzor Blades would be like that.

America: The stripper?

Warlock: Noooo! Idiot….

*Motage of stripping, lapdances and electro music goes on for minutes*

Warlock: I fail to see how this is a bad movie.

*Camera pans to Tami, Bruce and Spyce entering a mansion*

Mr. America: That’s the second time now they’ve done a really bad job disguising a miniature set as an authentic wide shot.

*Tami looks at the gothic setting. “This is creepy”

Warlock: She’s the only smart one.

*Bruce: Get undressed for me and I’ll never ever ever ever ask you for anything again”

Warlock: Famous last words.

America: I don’t believe you.

*Spyce and Bruce strip Tami*

Warlock: So far so good.

*Morella feasts on Bruce, Tami runs away screaming in her underwear. Morella and Spyce show their fangs*

The Warlock: That didn’t take long.

Mr. America: I’m still trying to sink my teeth into the plot of this.

Warlock: HA HA HA….ha…ha…

*Tami goes to open the front door, its locked*

Warlock: Its always locked, ever notice that?

America: At least they’re thinking a little bit.

*Tami goes for the phone, its dead*

America: Nope, the phone’s for show”

*Tami runs into Marvin*

Warlock: The diseased muppet returns.

*Morella feasts on Tami*

Warlock: So much for character development

*Spyce: You finished her off? Morella: Take her to the incinerator”

The Warlock: Incinerator Clayton!

America: Clayton!

*Morella asks where Spyce’s sister is, Spyce answers she’s working till close. Next scene shows a couple fucking*

America: I’m guessing this is the sister.

*Guy looks like Ryan Reynolds*

Warlock: Its Ryan Reynolds!

America: Nah, the real Ryan would never do crap like this?

*Dex: “Spyce has always been bitchy to me”

Warlock: Haha, you’re not the only one buddy.

*Sugar: We’ll have our own place soon*

Warlock: Wait…Sugar and Spyce?

America: Ughhhhhhh.

*Full moon is shown, Warlock barks at it*

America: Wrong movie fool.

*Morella is “tanning” in the moonlight”

America: I thought it was supposed to be sun.

*Morellla: You know the rules, you can’t date humans. They’re different than us.”

America: Yeah, for starters we’re not immortal, they are.

*Morella tells the tale of Marvin, how she caught him with another woman before she turned him into…that*

Warlock: Poor Marvin

*Studboy talks to Dark Lady (Spyce): I can’t wait much longer. I have to meet you*

Mr. America: The anticipation is killing me, what is she gonna sayyyyyy?

*Someone knocks on Dex’ door. He wakes up “What the hell?”

America: Guess he doesn’t own an alarm clock.

*Ivan tells Dex how he investigated the murders. The lighting shows Dex all bug eyed*

America: Terrible lighting effect.

*Dex: So you’re a vampire hunter? Ivan: Yes”

Warlock: Guess he’s seen the error of his ways since Bordello of Blood…..then again this movie looks to be just a low budget knock off.

*Studboy is revealed to be a fat middle aged guy with glasses*

America: I’m studly disappointed. I like how he throws punches in the mirror as if he’s a 90’s tv superhero character. Wohoo gonna save the dayyyy.

*Spyce: You’re not what I expected Studboy”

America: That’s an understatement.

*Spyce feeds on Lester*

Warlock: We hope you’re enjoying no moral theater.

*Ivan pulls out his vampire compass and it points to Sugar’s bag. Ivan: Take my advice kid, break up with her gently.

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Ivan goes through Sugar’s bag, finds her address*

America: They found a clue!

*Morella threatens Spyce*

Warlock: Can’t really kill what’s already dead.

*Sugar chills with Marvin*

Warlock: Put on Sesame Street.

*Sugar leaves Marvin’s cage door open to go and answer the door.*

America: Hurry Marvin, its a jailbreak! Go as fast as your tiny feet will take you!

*Dex confronts Sugar, she admits she’s a vampire*

Warlock: So its a reverse Twilight.

*Dex: So its true, she is a vampire. Ivan: Forget about her kid, go find a nice girl that doesn’t mind sunlight*

Warlock: Hahahaha

America: Yeah, because finding someone that doesn’t want to kill you isn’t a bigger issue.

*Dex: This garlic will mask your scent for 10 minutes.*

America: Hurry up, you already wasted 30 seconds!

*Dex goes to rescue Sugar, tries to convince her to leave. Sugar: Give me a minute to pack*

Warlock: Typical women, always late, even in tragedy.

*Spyce and Morella have some random blonde hooker spread eagle and cuffed to the bed, Morella takes the girls’ corset off*

Warlock: Ivan…hold on a minute.

*Marvin spies on the hooker, makes weird noises but doesn’t do anything*

Warlock: Is he jacking off?

*Spyce catches Sugar trying to leave and brings her to Morella. Marvin climbs the bed to stare at hooker. He then licks her nipple.*

Warlock: Ohhhh my god hahaha.

*Morella catches Marvin, calls him bad boy and throws him in the cage. She feasts on hooker*

Warlock: 2 to go!

*Spyce taunts Sugar: How does it feel to be the bad one for once?

Warlock: Slap her!

*Spyce attacks Ivan, Ivan stabs her in the chest with a stake.*

Warlock: That’s not where the heart is.

*Spyce dies, Sugar pulls stake out. Sugar: She was my friend!”

America: Key word…was!

*Ivan spots Marvin in the cage. Ivan: Dad??*

Warlock: I knew it!

*Morella: You’d never be faithful to Sugar. You’re a man. All men are unfaithful.”

Warlock: Oh wonderful, she’s a feminazi to boot!

*Ivan: She’s been keeping you in this cage all this time? For 30 years? I’ll make her pay.”
Warlock: He shall be revenged!

*Morella: I got 9,998 marks in that book. Ivan: You’ve been pretty busy for an old bitch!”

Warlock and America: Hahahahahaha

*Ivan tries to stab Morella, she blocks it. Dex just stands there*

Warlock: Is he just gonna stand there or is he gonna do something?

*Ivan eats the ring on Marvin’s finger, she feasts on him. Then starts getting sick*

Warlock: We’re not gonna see it????

*Sugar and Dex kiss in the moonlight, Morella catches them. Morella collapses and turns into a green muppet thing. Movie ends with Marvin fucking Morella*

Warlock: Well so much for this being a good movie…

America: Muppet sex…ugh.

*End credits song plays*

Warlock: Not only that, this ending song sucks.

*A bizarre preview of the sequel plays before going back to the credits*

Warlock: So they’re advertising the second movie before the end credits for this one is over?

America: That’s promising!

The Warlock’s assessment: 4 out of 10

Mr. America’s assessment: 3 out of 10

Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10

*Warlock rises from the couch and grunts when his skin gets caught in the leather*

The Warlock: Owwwwwwww…..well that was, interesting. It was fine until the ending. At least we know there’s a sequel. Until then, that’s all for now.

Mr. America: I’m about to piss myself in anticipation!

Warlock: Did not need to know that. That about wraps up the heat wave version of Decadent Evil. Have a pleasant evening.

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