12. Hotel Transylvania (2012)


*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, black gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a mug of Dr. Pepper*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*The Warlock holds his open palm out and levitates off the ground before returning to ground level and walking inside*

The Warlock: Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet refused to join us today and I’ll tell you why in a moment. Who IS here today? None other than Neyzor Blades.

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing purple scrub pants and a pink tanktop. She gives Warlock the finger*

The Warlock: Love you too. Anyway, the reason the others refused to participate is tonight’s film. Hotel Transylvania was an animated comedy that was released in 2012. PG movies are not their thing.

Neyzor Blades: Sucks for them.

The Warlock: So without further delay, its time for Hotel Transylvania.

*The Warlock reads the tagline*

The Warlock: “Dracula, who operates a high-end resort away from the human world, goes into overprotective mode whenaboy discovers the resort and falls for the count’s teen-aged daughter

Neyzor Blades: Someone’s gonna get bitten for that.

*Graphic reads 1895*

The Warlock: Going old school

*Dracula: I vant to kiss your tush!*

The Warlock: I’d love to kiss Selena Gomez’ tush

Neyzor: Shut up before I slap you.

*Dracula plays ukulele*

The Warlock: I prefer the banjo

*The zombies are the bellboys*

The Warlock: Hotel of the Dead

*Steve Buscemi is Wayne the Werewolf*

The Warlock: lol its Mr. Pink

*Kevin James is Frankenstein*

The Warlock: So he’s no longer a zoo keeper?

*Dracula: Recent surveillance of humans show they are getting fatter to overpower us.”

The Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Do not disturb signs are shrunken heads*

Neyzor Blades: I need one of those.

*Dracula: Just do your job!”

The Warlock: Bill Bellichick approves.


The Warlock: You would know Fran, you would know.

*Dracula: You don’t need a mannequin. Leave the mannequin there.”

The Warlock: Go jerk off somewhere else.

*Jonathan: Hey look I’m a Frankenhomie!*

Neyzor Blades: Ugh, that’s horrible.

*Jonathan: What is this place?

The Warlock: A place that makes the Bates Motel look enjoyable

*Armor: Boy that kid smelled*

The Warlock: Take a shower Mr Gower.

*Jonathan: A wooden stake to the heart? Dracula: Yeah well, who wouldn’t that kill?”

Neyzor: Hahahahaha

*Jonathan: I’m Frankenstein’s cousin Johnnystein

The Warlock: and I’m Warlockstein

*Frankenstein starts crooning*

The Warlock: Please no.

*Murray starts singing*

The Warlock: At least Ceelo can sing.

*Drac: If they find out you’re human they’ll go bat poop!*

The Warlock: PG, gotta love it.

*Frankenstein nose drives 100 feet into the pool*

The Warlock: Kevin James cannonball, I give it a 7.

*Dracula uses Blobby to cushion Johnny’s fall*

The Warlock: There’s always room for jello.

*Camera does a full spin*

The Warlock: I’m getting car sick.

Neyzor: You’re not in a car.

*Sunrise burns Mavis’ toes:

The Warlock: Feeling hot hot hot!

*Invisible man: I have red, curly hair! Dracula: How was I supposed to know that?

The Warlock: Hahahaha

*Dracula freaks out, Johnny looks disgruntled*

The Warlock: Look at his face!!

*Dracula chases Johnny on flying tables*

The Warlock: And they’re off!!!!

*Dracula and Johnny wipe out Suit of Armor*

The Warlock: Ya cleaned him out!!

*Quasimodo kicks Armor in the balls and he goes down. Suit: Why did that hurt me?”

The Warlock: Hahaha

*Esmeralda fights off spiders*

The Warlock: Ninja mouse.
Quasimodo: When you bump with the hump, you land on your rump!

The Warlock: The mack daddy will make ya jump!

Neyzor: Daddy mack will make ya jump!

*Johnny: He tried to eat me. That’s only happened one time when I was at a Slipknot concert.”

The Warlock: Joey Jordison was a cannibal?

Neyzor: No! Not him you idiot!

*Montage shows humans setting Lubov on fire*

Neyzor: That’s sad.

*Johnny: You can say the gremlin lady ate me.”

The Warlock: Gizmo will save you.

*Wolfman is surrounded by kids and can’t sleep*

The Warlock: Poor Mr. Pink.

*Murray sings a pop song*

Neyzor: Sing it Ceelo!

*Montage shows Haweewee*

Neyzor and Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Johnny jumps up and down*

The Warlock: I can dance better than that.

*Dracula starts dancing*

The Warlock: Ok, nevermind.

*Frankenstein: What did you do?”

The Warlock: Doo-doo!

*All the monsters protest and leave*

The Warlock: Even Kevin James is walking out.

*Shrunken head: Oh look, its Count Crock-ula”

Neyzor Blades: I want some Count Chocula

Warlock: Good thinking.

*Dracula gives a sob story*

The Warlock: Oh here we go, get the handkerchiefs

*Fleas argue*

The Warlock: They have no respect for crud.

*Trolley swerves to avoid a sheep.

The Warlock: That’s baaaaaaaad driving.

Neyzor: Horrible pun.

*Frankenstein gives a pep-talk to the humans to help Dracula*

The Warlock: He must have used this speech for his future presidential run in Pixels.

*Plane goes by with Transylvania on it*

The Warlock: Transylvania’s not even the country, its Romania!

Neyzor Blades: Its just a movie.

*Johnny watches Twilight. Dracula: THIS is how we’re represented?*

The Warlock: It gets worse.

*Dracula flies through Mavis’ window totally burnt*

The Warlock: He would have been dead within 30 seconds.

Neyzor: Once again, its just a movie.”

*Johnny and Mavis kiss*

The Warlock: Mush mush mush.

Neyzor: Awwww,mush mush mushhhhh!

*Johnny starts to sing*

The Warlock: Please no.

*Murray and Mavis start singing*

The Warlock: Ok that’s better.

*Dracula starts rapping*

The Warlock: Word

*Closing credits*

Warlock: Even animated, animated Dracula is miserable.

Neyzor Blades assessment: That was good. I’d say an 8.5

The Warlock: This isn’t my thing but I’ll say 7.5

Final assessment: 8.0…outstanding

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

The Warlock: That about wraps up Hotel Transylvania. With the sequel coming out next week, I can safely say that the first was good so you should check out the second…..if you’re into kids movies. Join us next time for another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.


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