11. Drop Zone (1994)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black gargoyle shades, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and holds a 20 ounce glass of pepsi*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the power goes out, then flicks it again and it comes back on. A voice from inside the lair says “DAMMIT!!”

Warlock: Oops, I forgot.

*Warlock enters the lair and Mr. America stands there tapping his foot. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat, dogtags and aviator shades*

Mr. America: I told you once, I told you a thousand times, don’t do that! I have to restart the damn movie.

The Warlock: Sorry…anyway tonight’s tale is Drop Zone. Wesley Snipes must take down Gary Busey using his wits and a team of skydivers.

Mr. America: Who cares about the divers? I want to see the planes.

The Warlock: So without further adieu, its time for Drop Zone.

*Warlock reads the tagline*

“A tough cop teams up with a professional skydiver to capture a renegade computer hacker on the run from the law.”

America: Wonderful.

*Opening credits*

The Warlock: Ripped off Predator 2

Mr. America: Oh boy, dramatic music

*Hardened criminals walk out to recreate. A skinny white dude then follows*

Mr. America: Which of these is not like the others?

Terry: A little excitement won’t kill you.

Mr. America: Oh you’d be surprised.

Terry: We don’t have to take the cats do we? *airplane personel puts cats on plane*

Mr. America: Yup!

Pete: Don’t worry, the cats will be eating better than we will on this flight.

Warlock: Hahahahaha

Gary Busey: I’m afraid to fly

Mr. America: You’re afraid to fly? You know there’s such thing as trains and boats don’t fly?

Snipes: Gentleman!

*Warlock and America turn their heads*

Captain: We’re losing cabin pressure!

Mr America: Ya think?

*Captain says they’re losing cabin pressure and he puts the landing gears up*

Mr. America: At 38,000 feet? Are you an idiot???

*Little girl pulls the terrorists mask off and screams. He screams too*

Warlock: Hahahahahaha!

*Terry is sucked out of the plane after his sleeve tears away*

America: That’s what you get for wearing a cheap suit.

*Under Siege guy knocks on Pete’s door*

Mr. America: Halt! Who goes there?

*Under Siege guy: Pete please, give me your badge and gun.*

The Warlock: You can have his gun instead.

*Navy guy: Crossman lives real close to here*

Mr. America: How convienient. Now let’s go search for clues!

*Maintanence guy is fixing an airplane engine*

Mr. America: You are a horrible mechanic

*Pete steals a picture of Crossman and Jagger*

Warlock: Thief!

*Jess gives Pete a beer*

Mr. America: You must reallyyyyy hate cops.

*Winona takes the plane into the air*

The Warlock: Watch the plane blows an engine.

*Jess pulls Pete close to the door*

Mr. America: Watch, she’ll throw him out.

*Jess pulls the ejector seat and Pete goes flying, literally*

Mr. America: Told you.

*Pete goes crashing into the water. Pete gives Jess a right cross*

The Warlock: Now they’re even.

*Pete gives stuffed tiger to little girl*

America: Its missing its hat!

*Peter forces little girl to point out Jagger. She cries after*

Mr. America: Congrats, you just gave her nightmares.

*Ty kills Jagger by dropping him into electrical tower*

Warlock: Shocking!

*Jess cries when she finds out Jagger is dead. Camera pans to a seagull*

Warlock: The seagull is not happy.

*Leedy protests jumping out of the plane for the umpteenth time*

Warlock: Will somebody please kill him?

*Ty’s crew overshoots the bank while parachuting*

America: You missed it.

Warlock: This isn’t GTA.

*Ty goes to slit security guard’s throat, camera pans away*

Warlock: They won’t show it? Damn.

*Ty picks up piece of trash and tells it to stay*

Warlock: Really?

*Deuce picks up Ty’s crew in a truck*

America: He’s got the easiest job in the world, just drive the truck!

*Pete: Why are we looking over there?*

America: To find swoop!

*Swoop jumps off the building and parachutes through the city*

Warlock: THAT’S more like GTA.

*Dramatic music*

America: Oh boy a down on his luck bluesy guitar solo. Something bad’s gonna happen!

*Montage of Pete learning to skydive*

Mr. America: A montage…..

*Swoop ignores Pete after jumping*

America: No love for the jump.

*Helicopter lands on a boat*

Warlock: I can’t do that in GTA

Mr America: You suck.

*Emcee: This will be a day to tell your grandkids about!*

Mr. America: I won’t.

*Emcee: It ends in Potomac!*

Warlock: Potomac? That’s in DC.

America: Hey dumbass, that was in the opening credits they were in DC.

Warlock: I missed it.

America: Clearly.

*Swoop ties up Torski in his parachute, cuts away, pulls his secondary chute. Torski crash lands*

Warlock: He fell down.

America: Nooooooo…..

*Pete beats up Deuce, Torski and henchman*

Mr America: Its a handicap match!

*Pete throws Torski into a stall*

Warlock: Give him a swirlie!

*Pete finds out Ty is DEA*

Warlock: More like DEA-D

*Henchman cuts chute, later on Jess gives it to Selly*

Warlock: Ruh-roh!

*Skydivers make red white and blue circle in the sky*

Warlock: Isn’t that pretty?

America: Today’s betting pool, who’s the first to get dizzy!

*Selly pulls chord, chute won’t open. Swoop cuts his chute to go get him*

Warlock: He’s gonna swoop in and save the day.

America: Ugghhhhhhhhhh

*Swoop catches up to Selly and pulls his chute, Selly plunges into water anyway*

Warlock: He didn’t make it.

*Jess gives Selly CPR, comes alive.*

Warlock: HE MADE IT!!!!

*America stands up and salutes*

*An angry Jess goes and gets a gun*

Warlock: Holy shit she’s going straight outta Compton!

Warlock: Oh so Jess got in the plane with the terrorists?

America: They’re criminals, not terrorists.

Warlock: Same thing!

America: Not really.

Warlock: The bad guys! That better?

America: That’s more like it!

Warlock: Ugh

*Ty’s team jumps out of plane*

America: Weeeeee!!!

*Jess pulls gun on Ty’s crew, gets overpowered then jumps out of plane*

America: Watch, she’s hanging on.

*Camera shows her hanging on to something*

America: See!

*Two idiots discuss Star Trek*

Warlock: No love for the Andorians.

*Ty’s team breaks into security tower*

America: That is just awful security.

*Pete’s team lands on top of the tower a while later*

Warlock: Better late than never.

*Deuce pulls up in the truck*

America: Easiest job in the world.

*Henchmen shoots Bobby, one on one fight between hench and Pete results in Pete rolling down the stairs and snapping Hench’s neck*

Warlock: Snap into a slim jim!

*Joeanne tells the fridge she’s going to be back*

Warlock: I don’t think its going to answer.

*Kara opens fire on Jess, she Indiana Jones her way through the glass*

Warlock: Bitch fight!

America; Told you!

*Jess rams Kara’s head into the copier*

America: Time for your closeup!

*Leedy steals the DEA jacket*

Warlock: What an exit strategy.

*Bobby pulls Torski’s parachute chord, snaps his neck*

Warlock: Prong would approve.

*Cops move in, Deuce drives off*

America: Easy!

*Cops catch Deuce, drives through barrier*

America: You just gave yourself away, all you were doing was parking!

*Pete and Ty fall out a window, Pete cuts the chord and Ty flies into the window of Deuce’s truck.

*Pete: Leedy! Get him! The one with the bozo hairdo!*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Swoop jumps off the roof and tackles Leedy*

*America: Got him!

Mr. America’s assessment: 6.5 out of 10

The Warlock’s assessment: 6.5 out of 10

Final assessment: 6.5 out of 10…very good.

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that about wraps up Drop Zone. A decent movie, but suited more for skydiving fans. The terrorists buy it at the end so you got the feel good ending. Join us next time for another cra….

*America interrupts*

America: Criminals, not terrorists.

*Warlock looks at him coldly and flicks his wrist, killing the power to the room*

America: God dammit!!!!

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening!

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