*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black gargoyle shades, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and holds a 20 ounce glass of pepsi*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock flicks his wrist and the power goes out, then flicks it again and it comes back on. A voice from inside the lair says “DAMMIT!!”
Warlock: Oops, I forgot.
*Warlock enters the lair and Mr. America stands there tapping his foot. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat, dogtags and aviator shades*
Mr. America: I told you once, I told you a thousand times, don’t do that! I have to restart the damn movie.
The Warlock: Sorry…anyway tonight’s tale is Drop Zone. Wesley Snipes must take down Gary Busey using his wits and a team of skydivers.
Mr. America: Who cares about the divers? I want to see the planes.
The Warlock: So without further adieu, its time for Drop Zone.
*Warlock reads the tagline*
“A tough cop teams up with a professional skydiver to capture a renegade computer hacker on the run from the law.”
The Warlock: Ripped off Predator 2
Mr. America: Oh boy, dramatic music
*Hardened criminals walk out to recreate. A skinny white dude then follows*
Mr. America: Which of these is not like the others?
Terry: A little excitement won’t kill you.
Mr. America: Oh you’d be surprised.
Terry: We don’t have to take the cats do we? *airplane personel puts cats on plane*
Mr. America: Yup!
Pete: Don’t worry, the cats will be eating better than we will on this flight.
Gary Busey: I’m afraid to fly
Mr. America: You’re afraid to fly? You know there’s such thing as trains and boats don’t fly?
*Warlock and America turn their heads*
Captain: We’re losing cabin pressure!
Mr America: Ya think?
*Captain says they’re losing cabin pressure and he puts the landing gears up*
Mr. America: At 38,000 feet? Are you an idiot???
*Little girl pulls the terrorists mask off and screams. He screams too*
*Terry is sucked out of the plane after his sleeve tears away*
America: That’s what you get for wearing a cheap suit.
*Under Siege guy knocks on Pete’s door*
Mr. America: Halt! Who goes there?
*Under Siege guy: Pete please, give me your badge and gun.*
The Warlock: You can have his gun instead.
*Navy guy: Crossman lives real close to here*
Mr. America: How convienient. Now let’s go search for clues!
*Maintanence guy is fixing an airplane engine*
Mr. America: You are a horrible mechanic
*Pete steals a picture of Crossman and Jagger*
*Jess gives Pete a beer*
Mr. America: You must reallyyyyy hate cops.
*Winona takes the plane into the air*
The Warlock: Watch the plane blows an engine.
*Jess pulls Pete close to the door*
Mr. America: Watch, she’ll throw him out.
*Jess pulls the ejector seat and Pete goes flying, literally*
Mr. America: Told you.
*Pete goes crashing into the water. Pete gives Jess a right cross*
The Warlock: Now they’re even.
*Pete gives stuffed tiger to little girl*
America: Its missing its hat!
*Peter forces little girl to point out Jagger. She cries after*
Mr. America: Congrats, you just gave her nightmares.
*Ty kills Jagger by dropping him into electrical tower*
*Jess cries when she finds out Jagger is dead. Camera pans to a seagull*
Warlock: The seagull is not happy.
*Leedy protests jumping out of the plane for the umpteenth time*
Warlock: Will somebody please kill him?
*Ty’s crew overshoots the bank while parachuting*
America: You missed it.
Warlock: This isn’t GTA.
*Ty goes to slit security guard’s throat, camera pans away*
Warlock: They won’t show it? Damn.
*Ty picks up piece of trash and tells it to stay*
*Deuce picks up Ty’s crew in a truck*
America: He’s got the easiest job in the world, just drive the truck!
*Pete: Why are we looking over there?*
America: To find swoop!
*Swoop jumps off the building and parachutes through the city*
Warlock: THAT’S more like GTA.
America: Oh boy a down on his luck bluesy guitar solo. Something bad’s gonna happen!
*Montage of Pete learning to skydive*
Mr. America: A montage…..
*Swoop ignores Pete after jumping*
America: No love for the jump.
*Helicopter lands on a boat*
Warlock: I can’t do that in GTA
Mr America: You suck.
*Emcee: This will be a day to tell your grandkids about!*
Mr. America: I won’t.
*Emcee: It ends in Potomac!*
Warlock: Potomac? That’s in DC.
America: Hey dumbass, that was in the opening credits they were in DC.
Warlock: I missed it.
*Swoop ties up Torski in his parachute, cuts away, pulls his secondary chute. Torski crash lands*
Warlock: He fell down.
*Pete beats up Deuce, Torski and henchman*
Mr America: Its a handicap match!
*Pete throws Torski into a stall*
Warlock: Give him a swirlie!
*Pete finds out Ty is DEA*
Warlock: More like DEA-D
*Henchman cuts chute, later on Jess gives it to Selly*
*Skydivers make red white and blue circle in the sky*
Warlock: Isn’t that pretty?
America: Today’s betting pool, who’s the first to get dizzy!
*Selly pulls chord, chute won’t open. Swoop cuts his chute to go get him*
Warlock: He’s gonna swoop in and save the day.
*Swoop catches up to Selly and pulls his chute, Selly plunges into water anyway*
Warlock: He didn’t make it.
*Jess gives Selly CPR, comes alive.*
Warlock: HE MADE IT!!!!
*America stands up and salutes*
*An angry Jess goes and gets a gun*
Warlock: Holy shit she’s going straight outta Compton!
Warlock: Oh so Jess got in the plane with the terrorists?
America: They’re criminals, not terrorists.
Warlock: Same thing!
America: Not really.
Warlock: The bad guys! That better?
America: That’s more like it!
*Ty’s team jumps out of plane*
*Jess pulls gun on Ty’s crew, gets overpowered then jumps out of plane*
America: Watch, she’s hanging on.
*Camera shows her hanging on to something*
*Two idiots discuss Star Trek*
Warlock: No love for the Andorians.
*Ty’s team breaks into security tower*
America: That is just awful security.
*Pete’s team lands on top of the tower a while later*
Warlock: Better late than never.
*Deuce pulls up in the truck*
America: Easiest job in the world.
*Henchmen shoots Bobby, one on one fight between hench and Pete results in Pete rolling down the stairs and snapping Hench’s neck*
Warlock: Snap into a slim jim!
*Joeanne tells the fridge she’s going to be back*
Warlock: I don’t think its going to answer.
*Kara opens fire on Jess, she Indiana Jones her way through the glass*
Warlock: Bitch fight!
America; Told you!
*Jess rams Kara’s head into the copier*
America: Time for your closeup!
*Leedy steals the DEA jacket*
Warlock: What an exit strategy.
*Bobby pulls Torski’s parachute chord, snaps his neck*
Warlock: Prong would approve.
*Cops move in, Deuce drives off*
*Cops catch Deuce, drives through barrier*
America: You just gave yourself away, all you were doing was parking!
*Pete and Ty fall out a window, Pete cuts the chord and Ty flies into the window of Deuce’s truck.
*Pete: Leedy! Get him! The one with the bozo hairdo!*
*Swoop jumps off the roof and tackles Leedy*
*America: Got him!
Mr. America’s assessment: 6.5 out of 10
The Warlock’s assessment: 6.5 out of 10
Final assessment: 6.5 out of 10…very good.
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that about wraps up Drop Zone. A decent movie, but suited more for skydiving fans. The terrorists buy it at the end so you got the feel good ending. Join us next time for another cra….
America: Criminals, not terrorists.
*Warlock looks at him coldly and flicks his wrist, killing the power to the room*
America: God dammit!!!!
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening!