9. Pecker (1998)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing black gargoyle shades, a white t-shirt, black leather jacker, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a mug of pepsi throwback*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock closes his eyes and levitates a few inches off the ground before lowering back. He enters lair*

The Warlock: Unfortunately Mr. America and Mr. Wallstreet won’t be joining us today. Apparently there was a problem with Mr, Wallstreet’s bank account. I don’t know why Mr. America would need a bazooka to solve a clerical error but whatever. With us today is the vivacious Neyzor Blades.

*Neyzor is sitting in the recliner surrounded by lit candles and incense. She’s wearing black eyeliner, black lipstick, a black dress, black fishnets and spiked leather boots. She sticks her tongue out which has a piercing*

Neyzor: Hello there.

*The Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

The Warlock: Tonight’s tale is Pecker, the story of how Eddie Furlong makes it big with a camera but can’t handle the fame. Not sure how that translates but we got Christina Ricci in it so hopefully it won’t be too bad.

Neyzor: I want to see some peckers.

The Warlock: So without any further adieu, its time for Pecker.

*The Warlock reads the tagline*

“A Baltimore sandwich shop employee becomes an overnight sensation when photographs he’s taken of his weird family become the latest rage in the art world. The young man is called “Pecker”

Neyzor: What a dick.

*The opening credits shake around*

The Warlock: The movie’s out of focus already.

*Pecker with a shit-eating grin takes a picture of a statue*

Neyzor: Ha!

*Fat guy waits for a bus, somebody steals his hat, Pecker takes a picture*

Neyzor: Ah the Youtube of yesteryear.

*A hooker shaves her leg on the bus, Eddie takes a picture of her*

The Warlock: She’d beat the shit out of him for that haha.

*Pecker takes pictures of food he’s supposed to be cooking*

The Warlock: You’re supposed to do that AFTER its served

*Pecker uses a staple gun to staple flyers to the telephone pole*

The Warlock: YEEEEEEOUCHHHHHHH

*Pecker snaps a pic of two rats fucking each other*

Neyzor: What the shit is that?

*Lady screams after holding up a large squash*

Neyzor: Its not gonna attack you, bitch.

*Ridiculous music plays*

Neyzor: This soundtrack’s gotta go.

*Pecker’s dad says hi*

Neyzor: His dad looks like a serial killer.

*Stripper bar is called The Pelt Room*

The Warlock: No loved for shaved huh?

*Pecker’s grandma tries to convince Pecker her statue of Mary is talking*

Neyzor: I can’t deal with this, this is stupid.

*Pecker’s been snapping pictures for 20 minutes*

The Warlock: How many pictures does his camera hold?

*Chrissy: Pecker buy me a soda!

Neyzor: I’m gonna peck this girl in the face.

*Mr Nellbox: Pecker you should get your bony ass up on the table and dance. Pecker: Aww I’d never do that”

The Warlock: Gonna have to see Detroit Rock City for that.

*Pecker starts shooting pics of male strippers*

Neyzor: This movie just got better

*Matt: I’ve never heard of teabagging*

The Warlock: Wait 10 years, you’ll hear it every time someone plays CoD

*Mr. Bozak: Don’t even think about using the restroom”

The Warlock: Yeah, you’re gonna have to piss your pants.

*Matt: Its the pubic hair of a stripper! Rorey: How much for it?”

Neyzor: He just sold the beaver of a stripper for 30 dollars

The Warlock: Americaaaa!!!!

*Girls: You can shoplift for me anytime”

Neyzor: Typical teenagers of 1998

*Bum protests art show, Pecker’s mom gives him her scarf, he lightens up*

The Warlock: So this is one of those movies where nothing goes wrong?

*Pecker thanks everyone*

The Warlock: His suit is atrocious

*Matt kisses one girl, stops, kisses another*

The Warlock: What a guy

*The two bums show up and ask for art lady’s shirt*

The Warlock: Straight Outta Dumpsters

Neyzor Blades: We’re 40 minutes in and I give up, this is stupid.

The Warlock: Wait a second, there could be something redeeming.

*Family is robbed. Rorey: Take pictures”

The Warlock: Wanna get stabbed?

*Shelley: Don’t become an asshole Pecker. I beg you, don’t become an asshole.”

The Warlock: Who wrote this script? *looks it up* John Waters?? C’mon man.

*Lady: Your child has ADHD she needs…..Ritalin”

The Warlock: Product placement fail.

*Lady tries to give the kid Ritalin*

The Warlock: Doesn’t she need a prescription? I know I did.

Neyzor Blades: I’m sure you did….

*Mr Bozak: Don’t try it Pecker, that’s my private garbage.”

The Warlock: Pecker has no respect for crud.

*Girl: You can suck my fat ass Matt?”

The Warlock: Can I volunteer to do that?

Neyz: NO!

*Clerk grabs Pecker’s camera, makes him whip out his real pecker”

Neyz: Awww, they’re not gonna show it

*Rorey sends Pecker a Nikon camera*

The Warlock: That’s actually a really nice camera.

*Grandma’s ventriloquist act: The lord is with me”

The Warlock: Least she’s saying something else.

*Pecker gets 72 grand for his pictures*

The Warlock: That’s a pretty penny

*Rorey tries to get Pecker’s pants*

Neyz: What the fuck??

*Pecker smashes his camera*

The Warlock: Should have just given it to me

*Pecker and Matt throw film at Mr. Bozak*

The Warlock: Yeah, that’ll show him.

*Pecker gives Shelley a sob story*

The Warlock: Dammit Eddie, ACT!

*CGI of colors appears on screen*

The Warlock: Where the hell did the CGI come from?

Neyz: That’s art.

*Pecker and Shelley get it on in a voting booth”

The Warlock: BUSH! GORE! BUSH! GORE!

Neyz: I don’t know what to say

*T-Bone gives a strip show:*
The Warlock: Wait a minute…not Lili Taylor, not Christina Ricci, but HER????

*Someone notices T-Bone shaved her genitals, Dad gives a thumbs up*

The Warlock: Hahahahahahhaa

*Pecker jumps around*

The Warlock: I can dance better than that.

*Dad: I have a toast to make”

Neyz: I have a piece of bread.

*Pecker: I think of directing a movie”

The Warlock: Anything but this.

*Neyzor reads off the credits*

Neyz: Irate manager? Old fart customer? Geezer? Toupe man? Who produced this shit?

Neyzor Blades Assessment: This movie sucks. Its annoying.

The Warlock: Annoying is the best way to describe it. Its lousy but not typical lousy.

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

The Warlock: Well there you have it. Pecker sucked but at least it was short and bearable near the end. See what I did there? Do we recommend it? Hell no, unless you want to throw something at the tv screen. Join us next time for another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

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