8. Sharknado 2 (2014)

sharknado-2-the-second-one-300x300

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He is wearing a black Men’s Warehouse suit, white undershirt, black tie, black shoes and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and fire shoots from his palm then closes it. Enters the lair*

The Warlock: Tonight is a very special occasion, hence my suit, with me as always is Mr. America*

*Mr. America is sitting on his end of the couch loading ammo into his .45. He’s wearing his standard white camo fatigues, vest and hat with aviator shades*

Mr. America: Nice suit, did you lose a bet?

The Warlock: Also joining us straight from the floor of Dow Jones, Mr. Wallstreet.

*Mr. Wallstreet is sitting in the recliner checking the stock market on his phone. He’s wearing a white Armani suit, black undershirt with a white tie and white shoes.*

Mr. Wallstreet: Oh hello.

The Warlock: Joining us later will be noted scientist Dr. Taylor Ahern to discuss the phenomenon of our next movie, Sharknado 2.

*The Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*

The WarlockL So without further adieu, its time for Sharknado 2!

*The Warlock reads the tag-line. A freak weather system turns its deadly fury on New York City, unleashing a Sharknado on the population and its most cherished, iconic sites . Only Fin and April can save the Big Apple.”

Mr. Wallstreet: How do the makers of this movie manage to get these people to do this stuff?

*Kelly Osbourne bends over in a short skirt*

The Warlock: This movie’s starting out great already

*April signs the book for Kelly “How to Survive a Sharknado”

Mr. America: That’s a shitty signature. Didn’t even use cursive.

*Woman knocks on door of the bathroom*

Mr. Wallstreet: She’s gotta go baddddd.

*Kelly Osbourne gets decapitated by a flying shark*

The Warlock: Ozzy is in mourning.

*Tara Reid is smiling as she makes her way down the aisle*

The Warlock: Could at least act scared.

*Sharknado theme blares over credits*

The Warlock: Should have been Motorhead doing the theme.

*Downtown Julie Brown tells Fin to wait outside*

The Warlock: Tell her to go downtown.

*Michael Strahan says they don’t know what happened to the flight*

The Warlock: Tackle them.

*Billy Ray Cyrus tells Fin that April may recover*

Mr. America: She’s got an achy breaky heart.

*The camera shows the statue of liberty*

The Warlock: The Ghostbusters personal taxi

*Fin: If the shark knew it was you, it would have ran the other way”

Mr. Wallstreet: Swam…

The Warlock: This dialogue is stupid.

*April: Why did you marry me?”

Mr. America: Its a loaded question, ITS A TRAP!!!

Mr. Wallstreet: Take cover!

*Newscaster: A monster storm is headed toward New York”

The Warlock: Literally.

*Ellen: The ballpark is the first place it’ll hit”

The Warlock: Shea Stadium? The Mets are really in trouble, and I don’t mean ERA wise.

*Al Roker: Now we have 3-4 inches of snow on its way

Mr. Wallstreet: No kidding.

*Judd Hirsch: Baseball today? You’re lucky if they come out of the clubhouse”

The Warlock: David Wright attacks the sharks with a bat.

*Hirsch swerves to avoid traffic*

Mr. America: Aggressive driving!

*Hirsh and Fin pull up to Citi Field*

The Warlock: Love how there’s no one there.

*Vivica Fox and Fin kiss*

Mr. Wallstreet: Holla!!!

*Blaster homers into the centerfield scoreboard*

The Warlock: Back back back back….gone!

Mr. America: What pitch was that, great white or hammerhead?

*Fin and family make it to the subway*

The Warlock: He’s better off with the sharks.

*Ellen tazes the shark*

Mr. America: Shocking.

*Huge alligator attacks maintenance guy*

The Warlock: Wrong movie.

*Jared Fogle eats Subway in the subway*

Mr. Wallstreet: Ironic.

*Judd Hirsch pulls up*

Mr. Wallstreet; Good ol Judd Hirsch

*Statue of liberty’s head rolls down the street*

Mr. Wallstreet: Wow

*Ellen drives garbage truck away, garbage man is still hanging on in the back

Mr. America: He’s just along for the ride.

Mr. America: Apparently that’s how you avoid rolling heads, drive into a telephone pole.

*Al Roker: A sharknado”

Mr. Wallstreet: Thank you Al.

*Shark falls through the ceiling, Biz Markie stabs it. Fin uses pizza pan to whack it into the oven.

The Warlock: Guess the shark is not just a friend.

Mr. America: New item on the menu, fried shark.

*Fin: Go to the lobby, it’ll be the safest place”

The Warlock: I don’t believe you

*April tells Downtown Julie Brown to take the girl to the basement”

The Warlock: Oh they’ll be as safe as an ice cube in hell

*Ambulance runs over a shark*

The Warlock: Driver’s like aww man, fuckin roadkill.

*Weather channel update”

Mr. Wallstreet: Chance of sharks at 2 pm.

*Tara Reid eyeballs an ambulance*

The Warlock: She’s gonna hijack the ambulance?

Mr. America: No, she’s commandeering.

Mr. Wallstreet: She’s borrowing it.

*Sinkhole appears*

Mr. America: Oh god, sinkholes!!!

*Mark McGrath makes it safely across*

The Warlock: Carlos Santana approves

*Judd Hirsch is eaten by a hammerhead”

Mr. Wallstreet: Well they had their fill

Mr. America: HAD THEIR FILL? It was one shark that ate!

*Fin jumps across the sharks like Frogger”

The Warlock: Great product placement.

*Vivica Fox and Fin ride the elevator”

The Warlock: She better not fart.

*A giant shark falls on Pepa*

The Warlock: Spinderella is going to be PISSED!

*Matt Lauer and Al Roker discuss the sharknados”

Mr. Wallstreet: I’d love to see a shark burst through the window here.

*Matt: Raphael, what’s going on down there?
Mr. America: Sharks! Lots of sharks!

The Warlock: What happened?

Mr. Wallstreet: The concierge just bought it

Mr. America: Nobody cares

*A burning shark lands on the roof*

The Warlock: There’s Biz Markie’s shark from earlier.

*Matt Lauer: We have a third tornado moving in”

Mr. Wallstreet: How can he keep a straight face while doing this?

*Tara Reid drives a fire engine to save Fin*

The Warlock: I thought it was an ambulance.

*Kurt Angle is the fire chief*

The Warlock: They’re saved now. He’ll just angle-slam the sharks.

Mr. America: He’s got 7 minutes to save the day

The Warlock: That’s movie time, he’s got all day.

*Fin jumps up to make a speech*

Mr. America: Yay, its a pep rally.

*Fin: It takes a lot  to bring a New Yorker down”

The Warlock: Kurt Angle is from Pittsburgh.

*Fin cuts shark in half with chainsaw*

Mr. America: A perfect filet!

*Fin can’t get his saw revved, Tara Reid uses her new “hand”saw to cut through a shark*

The Warlock: Bruce Campbell likes this.

*Fin blows the empire state building, sharks begin to fall*

The Warlock: Now we’re talkin.

*Al Roker holds down a shark as Michael Lauer stabs it*

Mr. Wallstreet: Now that’s must see TV

*Fin: Will you re-marry me?”

Mr. America: Ugh, too much mush

Mr. America’s assessment: I just have one last thing to say. How are there ANY sharks left along the coastal US, between the first two movies? I’ll say a 7 out of 10

Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: More of the celebs should have died but overall a good movie, 7 out of 10

The Warlock’s assessment:  I’m with Wallstreet, 7 out of 10

Final Grade: 7 out of 10

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Well that about wraps up the movie portion of our film, Sharknado 2. Now, joining us via satellite will be the noted scientist Dr. Taylor Ahern. Taylor can you hear me?

*The movie screen fades to black and returns with a man in white labcoat standing in the middle of a laboratory.

Dr. Ahern: Yes, I can hear you. Thank you for having me on your fine program.

The Warlock: What do you think of the Sharknado phenomenon sweeping the nation?

Dr. Ahern: Well its a very intricate process.

*Ahern takes a pointing stick and points to a dry erase board with a picture of a shark on it wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shades and holding a magarita*

Dr. Ahern: As you can see, the movie’s popularity shot through the roof due to the success of the first movie. The chart I have here shows the ratings from the first movie and the ratings for the second movie. The fans demanded a second movie and they got a second movie.

Mr. America: Not to interrupt, but what the hell is that?

*Dr. Ahern looks and sees the picture of the shark instead of the chart*

Dr. Ahern: Ohhhh, not that. Hold on a moment, gentleman?

*Dr. Ahern flips the correct chart over as the boys look around*

The Warlock: Gentlemen?

Mr. Wallstreet: He means us.

*Dr. Ahern pulls the correct chart down*

Dr. Ahern: Sorry about that. As I was saying, the fans demanded a second movie and got a second movie. A third movie was quickly made that should be out on video very soon.

The Warlock: I must ask doctor, why sharks and not any other animal?

Dr. Ahern: Good question. They’re ferocious savages. They’re much more effective killers than giraffes, llama’s or the common garden snake.

Mr. Wallstreet: Do you think a profit was made on this movie?

Dr. Ahern: Yes, as you can see on the chart, the movie did gross very well with outstanding buy rates on the Syfy channel. The third movie figures to do just as well.

Mr. America: Would you say that when the series starts losing money, that the franchise finally jumped the shark?

Dr. Ahern: That was a horrible pun, I loved it! Yes, this franchise could go on for decades. Sylvester Stallone should be in Sharkando 5 as John Rambo.

*Ahern continues to list off actors and sequels*

Mr. America: He’s talking faster than I can hear.

The Warlock: Ok Dr. Ahern, thank you for your time. *He clicks off the tv with Ahern pointing to Sharknado 10: The Vengeance of the Revenge starring Sylvester Stallone and Vladimir Putin*

Mr. America: Sharknado 10? Wow…

The Warlock: Now that officially wraps up our viewing of Sharknado 2. Complete insanity which is the way we like it. Join us next time for our next craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

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