7. Chop (2010)

chop.jpg

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He is wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He is holding a wine glass of pepsi throwback.*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair. Welcome I don’t think so…but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock nods his head and the lights go out, then back on again. He enters the lair.*

Warlock: Tonight, making their returns are Mr. America…..

*Mr. America is putting the dvd in the dvd player. He is wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat, black combat boots and aviator shades*

Mr. America: Hey jackass, next time you show off…don’t nuke the tube, I had to restart it.

The Warlock: Sorry…..also joining us is our stock exchange friend, Mr. Wallstreet.

*Mr. Wallstreet is sitting in the recliner wearing a black Armani suit with a black tie, white dress shirt and black clogs. He looks up from the Forbes magazine he’s wearing*

Mr. America: You going to a funeral?

Mr. Wallstreet: This suit means profit.

The Warlock: What are you a Ferengi?  Anyway, today’s tale is Chop. A ridiculous B-Movie where someone gets his limbs cut off as revenge for something he forgot he did. We may have to hop our way to the ending but we’ll get there.

*Mr. America takes his seat on his side of the couch. The Warlock takes his seat on the other side.*

The Warlock: So without further adieu, let’s start….Chop.

 

Directed by Trent Haaga

Warlock: Its Killjoy!

 

Written by Adam Minarovich

Warlock: Its Ankle Biter!

America: Oh shit.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Lance Reed is forced by a psychotic stranger to confront his duplicitous past. Seeking retribution for a crime, the man forces Lance to reveal his inner most secrets by systematically removing his limbs.”

Mr. Wallstreet: This should be a cut above other films.

The Warlock: This movie is only 84 minutes long.

Mr. America: Well you only have so many limbs to lose.

*The menu screen pops up, no subtitle menu*

The Warlock: NO SUBTITLES?? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

Mr. Wallstreet: Listen!

*Guy drives down highway, car breaks down*

The Warlock: Movie would be over if it didn’t break down.

The Warlock: By the way, this was written by the guy who wrote Ankle Biters and was directed by Killjoy

Mr. America: This ought to be interesting.

*The scene goes from Lance in the car getting shot with a tranq gun to Lance’s brother in law tied to a chair with Lance getting ready to hit him with an axe with The Stranger on the phone with “Rico” ready to kill Lance’s wife*

The Warlock: Well this movie wastes no time does it?

*Stranger reveals there was no one on the phone when Lance killed the brother*

The Warlock: Oh that’s just wrong.

*Stranger laughs maniacally*

Mr. Wallstreet: Heh, he’s nutzo.

*Emily speaks with an accent*

The Warlock: Is she Mexican or Indian?

Mr. America: Doesn’t matter.

*Montage shown Lance going insane, pulls out gun*

Mr. Wallstreet: HE’S GOT A GUN!!!

*Lance pulls out crack pipe*

Mr. America: Getting high won’t help.

*Lance is sound asleep surrounded by stuffing*

The Warlock: What did he do?

Mr. America: He killed a teddy bear.

*Detective Williams rings Lance’s doorbell*

The Warlock: Hey look its Ankle Biter!

*Williams and Roebuck tell Lance his brother was murdered. Lance acts very unconvincing that he doesn’t know anything*

Mr. America: Way to sell it buddy!

*Lance: Bobby’s dead. Emily: Why did you say that?”
Mr. America: That’s what they told him you idiot!

*Lance: Would you be this much of a crybaby if it were me?”

The Warlock: No

*Lance drives off in a blue car*

Mr. America: Hey he got a new car!

The Warlock: No he doesn’t, they just painted the old one.

Mr. Wallstreet: I heard of low budget but damn.

*Stranger punches Emily and Lance goes for the gun

*Lance: You are a slut…but its my fault you’re a slut”

The Warlock: You suck!

*Emily: It was a mistake. Stranger: A mistake happens once, you did it every week!”

The Warlock and Mr. Wallstreet: Hahahahaha

*Stranger shoots Emily in the head*

The Warlock: Bye bye slut.

Mr. America: This movie is very fast paced

The Warlock: It gets to the point.

*Lance comes to after getting injected with a needle*

Mr. America: Wakey wakey!

*Lance discovers he’s missing a finger*

The Warlock: Guess he won’t be flipping the bird.

*Detectives don’t even move but Lance walks away, bumps into them and acts surprised*

Mr. America: They’re not exactly ninjas.

Mr. Wallstreet: He needs to just die already.

*Detectives say they will be back tomorrow:”

Mr. America: Why don’t they just take a swab of the bandage on his finger?

Mr. Wallsteet: These cops are idiots.

*Lance trashes the house, gets his head caught in the wall*

Mr. Wallstreet: Hahahahahaha

*Lance licks his finger and shoves it up his own ass*

Mr. Wallstreet: Seriously?? Ughhhhh

*Lance comes to, there’s a needle sticking out of his neck and all fingers except thumb are gone on his left hand*

Mr. America: He’s not having a good day.

*Lance in a high pitched voice: I’m soooo gonna kill you”

The Warlock: Hahahaha

*Williams asks what happened to Lance’s hand. Lance: That damn lawnmower again. Williams: You don’t know how to operate a lawnmower do you?”

The Warlock: Haha.

*Lance shows a handwritten letter that the killer is after him to Williams and his voice-over is incredibly fast”

The Warlock: Too fast for love

*Lance: Come and get me fat ass!”

The Warlock and Mr. Wallstreet: Hahahahahaha

*Williams: I’d love to see him running out of the house hitting himself in the head with a hammer. Roebuck: You’re sick:”

The Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Lance comes to, now all his fingers except thumbs are gone. Calls for the detectives, but they’re dead. Lance asks how did Stranger know? Stranger says Lance’s glass eye is bugged.”

The Warlock: That’s HILARIOUS!!!

*Stranger has Lance all tied up”

Mr. America: Comfy?

*Lance: I’m so sorry for what I did”

Mr. Wallstreet: He’s BSing it.

The Warlock: Noooooo

*Flashback scene shows Lance driving a white car”

The Warlock: He’s got a different car in every scene.

*Lance runs over drug dealer, steals his money but leaves the hat. Says he’s sorry”

Mr. Wallstreet: Least he was kind enough to leave the hat.

*Stranger: Don’t go anywhere”

Mr. America: Where’s he gonna go?

*There’s an action figure of Captain Lou Albano on Stranger’s desk*

The Warlock: Hahahaha that’s awesome.

*Lance: Can I go home now? Stranger: Nah, we got company”

The Warlock: This is going to get interesting.

*Ray wants Jeff to cut up Lance while Stranger wants to watch”

The Warlock: This is turning into Hostel.

*Jeff: I’m gonna cut off your leg and I’m gonna fuck the stump. Stranger is grossed out”

Mr. Wallstreet: Even he’s too weirded out.

*Stranger: Alright, everyone of the pool. Show’s over. Ray pulls a gun*

The Warlock: Stranger’s had enough.

*Stranger looks like he’s deep throating the gun, instead he bites it out of Ray’s hand”

The Warlock: BRILLIANT!

*Stranger: I offer you guys a chance for redemption and you pull this shit? Get outta here.”

Mr. America: A face turn? No way.

*Stranger shoots Jeff after he deepthroats the gun*

The Warlock: Thank god.

The Warlock: I just realized, the guy he ran over was the one with the beard.

Mr. Wallstreet: So much for consistency.

*Lance offers hooker 10 dollars for play*

Mr. Wallstreet: What is this the 40’s?

*Lance pulls hooker into back alley. She demands 100 dollars or she’ll tell his wife. He pulls out a dollar bill and says this is all he has”

The Warlock: A dollar??

Mr. Wallstreet: Is that it?

*Lance snaps hooker’s neck*

The Warlock: Woah, how did he get away with that?

*Stranger: I’m gonna nail you down”

The Warlock: He’s not Jesus Christ.

*Stephanie is going to cut Lance’s dick off, Stranger says he’ll be back later”

The Warlock: Even he doesn’t want to witness a castration.

*Stephanie goes to cut it off*

The Warlock: Close your legs boys

*Stephanie chooses not to cut the dick off but instead take the leg, chops his leg off”

The Warlock: Mind if I eat?

 

*Montage of Stranger washing his face and shaving*

Mr. America: Now we’re getting serious.

Mr. Wallsteet: Preparing for an operation.

The Warlock: Did he kill Mr. Rogers for those clothes?

 

*Stranger shoots himself in head, drops set of keys. Reveals that all Lance did was bump into him*

The Warlock: I knew it was gonna be something stupid.

Mr. America: That’s it? Ughhhh

 

Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment:  I give it a 2 out of 10

Mr. America’s assessment: Hope you never bump into this movie. 3 out of 10

The Warlock’s assessment:  You guys suck, this was HILARIOUS. I had a blast, 7 out of 10

Final Grade:  4 out of 10, Bad….

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

The Warlock: Well that about does it for Chop. The movie is so batshit crazy I doubt anyone who watches will walk away un-entertained. Its bad, but so bad its good. Next time will be the highly anticipated showing of Sharknado 2. Have a pleasant evening.

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