*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Barq’s root beer*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*The Warlock then looks up, holds his free hand out and levitates a foot off the ground for about 5 seconds before settling back on the ground, walking inside*
The Warlock: With me tonight is our special guest, Neyzor Blades.
*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner with a black dress, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black fishnets, spiked leather boots. She sticks her tongue out, showing off her tongue ring, and laughs evilly.*
The Warlock: Tonight’s film will be without Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America who are out paintballing. The Enforcer was the third of the eventual 5 film Dirty Harry series. Once again, with the guys out of town, may as well watch a good movie for a change…or at least I hope its good.
*The Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
The Warlock: So without further delay, its time for The Enforcer.
Directed by James Fargo
Written by Sterling Sillliphant, Dean Reisner, Gail Morgan Flickman and S.W. Schurr
*Warlock reads the tagline*
Warlock: “Dirty Harry must foil a terrorist organization made up of disgruntled Vietnam veterans. But this time, he’s teamed with a rookie female partner that he’s not too excited to be working with.”
The Warlock: He hates partners as it is, he may shoot himself at the end of this.
*Man: Where you headed little lady? Woman hitchhiker: No where with you numbnuts, buzz off!”
The Warlock: Hitchhiking standards in 1976 must be different
*Andy lights a smoke, creepy music begins*
The Warlock: Look out, Camel Joe’s got a gun!
*Freddie has heart attack in restaurant. Waiter 1: The police are here.” Waiter 2: “Police? Where’s the Ambulance!”
The Warlock: Well at least one of them is smart.
*Man holds female hostage outside of liquor store*
The Warlock: Alright coppers, I want Jack Daniels himself to drive the car out of here!
*Robber has Harry on the ground, give their demands: “What are you waiting for?”
Neyz: I’m on the ground here!
*Harry shoots Mitch*
The Warlock: Detective Goldblume, noooooo!!!!!
*Harry shoots robber in the ass, he grabs his nuts*
The Warlock: I know a 44 mag is powerful, didn’t know it was THAT powerful.
*Bressler scolds Harry*
The Warlock: Lt. Bressler is back…..where the hell was he last movie? Did Briggs have him hogtied in his closet?
*Captain McKay: The minority community has had it with this kind of police work!
The Warlock: Wait 40 years, then they’ll REALLY have it.
*Harry: Didn’t you say you wanted all the hoods out? McKay: I never said to use violence! Harry: What do you want me to do, yell ‘trick or treat’ at them?”
The Warlock: Oh they’ll throw down their guns for sure and run away screaming.
*McKay demotes Callahan for the shooting the day before*
The Warlock: Why is it they’re always out to get him in every single movie? The cops are worse than the bad guys.
*Lt Dobbs: We’ll notify you of your grade.
Neyz: You FAILED!
*Ms Grey subtlety calls Harry a Neanderthal*
The Warlock: Gotta give props to that one.
*Kate Moore walks in the room*
The Warlock: Tyne Daly looks so hot with short hair.
*Callahan protests Moore going for inspector when she’s never arrested anyone before*
The Warlock: And this was 1976! Social media would be up his ass the rest of the year if this happened now, even if he’s right!
*Guard gets stabbed in the back*
The Warlock: I think he got the point
*Digeorgio wants to check out the spooky setting*
The Warlock: ITS A TRAP!!!
*Lalo lifts a heavy box, DiGeorgio closes in*
The Warlock: Make him drop it on his foot!
*DiGeorgio is stabbed in the back by Bobby, DiGeorgio shoots Miki*
The Warlock: Nice job asshole, should have waited until he wasn’t pointing a gun at her.
*Bobby shoots Miki 3 times to make sure she’s dead*
The Warlock: ….nevermind.
*Bressler: DiGeorgio’s been given his last rites”
The Warlock: I don’t think he’s gonna make it.
The Warlock: Dammit….
*Callahan freaks out when he sees Moore as his new partner.*
The Warlock: He’s about to take a long walk off a short pier.
*Moore walks behind the bazooka firing, Callahan pulls her away just in time*
The Warlock: Should have let her get her head blown off, one less incompetent partner to worry about.
*Coroner cuts through dead guard’s skull, Moore gets sick*
The Warlock: Mind if I eat?
Neyz: It smells like creamed corn.
*Black guy in tan suit blows up bathroom, no one was in it*
The Warlock: I know he hates whites but toilets can’t be THAT bad?
*Black guy runs from Harry, his hat falls off*
The Warlock: Harry should have picked it up, put it on and kept running.
Neyz: What good would that have done?
*Harry chases him across the rooftops of San Francisco, Moore tries to follow on the ground*
The Warlock: There’s her cardio for the day.
*Harry shoots at black guy and hits the antennae over his head*
The Warlock: Wonderful, now they won’t be able to watch Monday Night Football. Nice going.
*Black guy falls through window, lands in the middle of a porno being shot*
The Warlock: Director’s like “You’re hired!”
Neyz: Just droppin in.
*Harry drops a bomb on Bressler’s desk. Bressler: Jesus Christ!”
The Warlock: Kaboom bitch!
*Callahan: This is the VFW…it stands for Very Few Whites*
The Warlock: Hahahahahaha.
*Bro: Don’t worry pig, we’ll make sure yo lady won’t get lonesome. Harry: That’s mighty white of you”
The Warlock: BURN!
*Mustapha: We’re waiting for all you white honkies to blow each other up so we just move on in*
The Warlock: It worked.
*Moore: I thought I did alright*
The Warlock: Shut up Lacey and get in the car.
*McKay talks to the Mayor*
The Warlock: Where’s John Vernon??
*Harry tells McKay to stick his shield in his ass*
Neyz: Yeah, tell that bitch who’s boss.
*Moore runs across the street after Harry*
The Warlock: No crosswalk button? A fine example YOU set!
*Mayor wants to leave early from the Giants game*
The Warlock: Willie Mays would not approve.
*Wanda pulls a gun on the bridge worker*
The Warlock: One angry tugboat’s about to come through.
*Bobby shoots Jimmy in the head*
The Warlock: One less ass-kisser in the movie.
*Mustapha: You are the dirtiest bastard aren’t you Harry?”
The Warlock: That’s the point
*Mustapha: Harry, do them in! Callahan: “Oh you can count on it”
The Warlock: Get some body bags ready.
*Harry has Buchinski up against the toilet, threatens to plunge him. He says he’ll talk”
The Warlock: Super Mario approves.
*Father John refuses to talk to Harry and walks away with an altar boy*
The Warlock: John says “Whips and chains with you tonight son”
*Wanda sneaks up on Harry with a shotgun, Moore shoots her dead*
The Warlock: Way to go Lacey!
*Callahan and Moore take a boat to Alcatraz*
The Warlock: Oh he’ll be very familiar with there in about 3 years.
*Tex opens fire on Callahan as Karl is getting coffee
The Warlock: Impeccable timing.
*Harry uses a giant water cannon to knock Tex 30 feet into the water below*
The Warlock: I give his dive a 6, the landing was kind of weak.
*Callahan and Moore jump off the boat*
Neyz: Now wait a minute! Who tied the mooring line? It would have taken them 5 minutes to dock, the terrorists could have shot them easy.
The Warlock: Its only a movie.
*Harry shoots Karl who rolls down the hill dead*
The Warlock: Keep rollin, rollin rollin
*Lalo goes for his gun and Moore shoots him dead in front of the Mayor”
The Warlock: That’ll get her promoted to Chief, screw McKay.
*Moore warns Harry and gets shot by Bobby*
The Warlock: Uh oh, I don’t think Lacey is gonna make it.
*Moore says “Get him” and dies*
The Warlock: This…means….war…..
*Bobby leads the Mayor to the top of a radio tower, Callahan calls him a fucking fruit*
The Warlock: Hahahahaha!!!
*Harry aims the bazooka at the tower, conveniently Bobby drops the Mayor off before going to the top to shoot at Harry*
The Warlock: Should have used him as a human shield, the hell was Bobby thinking?
*Bobby cries out for Karl and Tex, Harry blows up the tower with the bazooka as the Mayor makes it downstairs to safety*
The Warlock: Ending the movie with a bang.
*Callahan puts the empty bazooka in the Mayor’s hands and walks away*
The Warlock: Haha he’ll serve for life if the press eats this up.
*McKay flies over saying they are willing to cave to Bobby’s demands*
The Warlock: Wish Harry had another one so he could blow McKay to smithereens. Maybe next movie.
Neyzor Blades’ assessment: Hmmm, not bad 6 out of 10
The Warlock’s assessment: Slightly better than Magnum Force, not as good as the original though.
Final Grade: Very Good
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That does it for The Enforcer. Another good movie, just outdated in this day and age. Join us next time for another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.