5. Magnum Force (1973)

Magnum Force

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of Dr. Pepper*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host, The Warlock

*Warlock flicks his free wrist and the lights go dim before flicking it again to return them to normal. He walks inside*

Warlock: Tonight will be a little different as Mr. America is unavailable, had to go buy more ammo for his pulse rifle. Mr. Wallstreet had a prior engagement so he’s out. I’ll be flying solo for this one. Tonight’s movie is not a craptastic adventure so I apologize for the previous false advertising. Tonight’s flick will be Magnum Force, the sequel to Dirty Harry. I figure since Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America aren’t here, may as well watch a good movie for a change.

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*

So without further adieu its time for Magnum Force.

 

Directed by Ted Post

Written by John Milius, Harry Julian Fink, Rita M Fink and Michael Cimino

 

*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “Dirty Harry is on the trail of vigilante cops who are not above going beyond the law to kill the city’s undesirables.”

The Warlock: Cops killing bad guys….that’s a bad thing?

 

*Harry points his .44 Mag toward the camera*

The Warlock: Don’t shoot! I give up!

 

*The mob outside shouts at Ricca for getting off*

The Warlock: And this is 1973….can you imagine the outcry now?

 

*A sign in the crowd says Up Your Ricca*

The Warlock: Bahahahahahaha

 

*Motorcycle cop shoots all four men in Ricca’s car*

The Warlock: That’ll teach them not to cross the double line.

 

“LT Briggs: I’ve never had to pull my gun out of its holster.”

The Warlock: Well there’s your ending to the movie.

 

*Harry: My last partner lasted a couple weeks. Don’t worry he’s still alive, teaching college.”

The Warlock: Poor Chico.

 

*Bill: So Ricca finally bought it. There’s hope for the world yet.”

The Warlock: Hahahahahaha

 

*Harry spots a commotion of officers and business suits near the airport terminal*

The Warlock: Uh oh, someone forgot their boarding pass.

 

*Two terrorists have a plane hijacked, Callahan acts as a replacement pilot to infiltrate*

The Warlock: Now they’re really in trouble….the passengers I mean.

 

*Callahan slams on the brakes and one of the terrorists falls down, Harry beats him up and steals his gun. Shoots the other one behind a map*

The Warlock: Guess he didn’t like Argentina much.

 

*Briggs gives Callahan the evil eye as he comes off the plane*

The Warlock: Callahan says “Yeah take that bitch”

 

*Officer Charlie enraged: A hood can kill a cop, but if a cop kills a hood…..”

The Warlock: Wait 40 years Charlie, it gets worse.

 

*Charlie: I’ll never retire….never!”

The Warlock: Ric Flair you are a THIEF!

 

*Sweet shoots a target 5 and hits bullseye 5 out of 6 times*

The Warlock: Yeah that fucker would be dead for sure.

 

*Evil motorcycle cop machine guns down a pool full of men and women*

The Warlock: I guess he was mad that he wasn’t invited.

 

*Callahan is sipping a Miller on the couch*

The Warlock: There’s a commercial for you.

 

*Charlie’s ex wife: With all those kids, you think I’ll ever get laid?”

The Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Cops have a store staked out with a robber waiting to make his move*

The Warlock: Can you take any longer?

 

*Pimp kills hooker by drowning her with motor oil*

The Warlock: She won’t get to enjoy the 200 miles.

 

*Evil motorcycle cop kills pimp*

The Warlock: How is this a bad thing again?

 

*Sunny: What does a girl have to do to get you to go to bed with her?” Callahan: “Try knocking on the door.”

The Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

Callahan: “Do things someone else’s way and you take your life into your own hands.”

The Warlock: Tell that to the Federal DEA.

 

“Ed: Damn I wish something would happen”

The Warlock: Wait 30 seconds.

 

*Evil motorcycle cops reveals himself to be Officer Davis after killing Charlie*

The Warlock: Hutch turns HEEL!!!

 

*Callahan: Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot.”

The Warlock: Don’t tell the liberals that.

 

*Callahan tells Early that Davis is the killer*

The Warlock: What if Early is in on it?

 

*Davis and his crew corners Callahan, reveals their plot*

The Warlock: Well that escalated quickly.

 

*Harry takes apart a mailbox and a bomb is inside*

The Warlock: The postal service strike is getting ridiculous.

 

*Early is killed by a bomb in his mailbox*

The Warlock: Davis is batting .500

 

*Briggs: You drive, I want to check out the bomb”

The Warlock: ITS A TRAP!

 

*Briggs pulls a gun on Harry in the car*

The Warlock: See! What did I tell ya!

 

*Briggs reveals himself to be the mastermind, tells Harry he’s about to be extinct*

The Warlock: I didn’t know Callahan was a dodo.

 

*Davis is following behind Harry’s car but Harry fights back and takes control*

The Warlock: Davis is like “God damn it, now what??”

 

*Callahan drives through a fruit stand*

The Warlock: What did the oranges ever do to you?

 

*Callahan throws Briggs from his car*

The Warlock: Bye Felecia!

 

*Callahan kills Red with repeated karate chops to the throat*

The Warlock: Mr Miyagi approves.

 

*Callahan pulls an Evil Kanevil and jumps a motorcycle to a nearby roof, meanwhile Davis goes flying into the drink and drowns*

The Warlock: Now that’s going out in style.

 

*Briggs says he’s going to prosecute Harry and drives off. The car explodes*

The Warlock: Guess the prosecutor won’t have to go to work today.

 

The Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. A lot of holes but it was watchable.

Final Grade: 7 out of 10

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was good. A horrifically outdated cop drama that was a blast to watch. Not as good as the first Dirty Harry but a good sequel nonetheless. That about wraps up Magnum Force, stay tuned for another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

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