*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of pepsi*
The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*With his free hand, Warlock flicks his wrist and fire comes out. He extinguishes it and walks in the door*
Warlock: Ready for tonight’s movie, Mr. America.
*Mr. America is cleaning a carbine rifle on the coffee table. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He quickly rises to his feet*
Mr. America: TEN HUT!
*Warlock raises his hand*
Warlock: At ease.
*Mr. America takes his seat in the recliner*
The Warlock: Tonight’s tale is Zombie Hunter, a 2013 B-movie starring Danny Trejo and a Christian Cage lookalike. Who knows if this will be good or not?
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Without further adieu let’s get started with Zombie Hunter.
Directed by Kevin King
Written by Kurt Knight
*The Warlock reads the description*
Warlock: “When a street drug turns junkies into an army of zombies, a man named Hunter finds himself with nothing but a beat-up car and a trunk full of guns and booze, until he stumbles across a small band of survivors.”
America: Mad Max meets Dawn of the Dead
The Warlock: So what do you think of the idea of Danny Trejo being a preacher?
Mr. America: It leaves a lot to be desired.
*The drug is known as Sin*
The Warlock: Final Fantasy 10 is going to sue.
*Hunter: Stone cold silence*
The Warlock: Gimmie a hell yeah!
Mr. America: Give it a while, and that will change.
*Billy vomits on camera*
The Warlock: That’s disgusting
*Guy looks at cheerleader*
The Warlock: Eliza Dushku is NOT looking good these days.
*Guy to cheerleader who’s watching tv: Want to go upstairs and watch TV?”
Mr. America: What the hell do you think she was doing?
*Cheerleader: My boyfriends downstairs. He may get mad.*
Mr. America: It won’t matter.
*Guy bites girl’s tongue off and the screen scatters with blood.*
Mr. America: I’d say she’s dead.
*Hunter says that the head in the front seat was messy*
The Warlock: Why is he talking to a head?
Mr. America: To get ahead.
*Wheezy pops up*
Mr. America: Hello!!!!
*Wheezy blows his own head off after Hunter decapitates another zombie*
Mr. America: Now the store clerk is dead, who’s gonna clean up the mess?
*Hunter: I could be the only one left”
Mr. America: I sincerely doubt you are.
*A pair of big boobs is seen looking over Hunter*
Mr. America: Oh hello.
*Fast Lane Debbie: “Lyle shot you.”
The Warlock: He’s a deadman.
*Debbie: Lyle’s a terrible shot.”
Mr. America: Not today he’s not.
*Jerry: It starts…that’s about it*
Mr. America: That’s re-assuring.
*Alison plops “food” in front of Lyle*
Mr. America: Ugh, what slop.
*Hunter: Are you retarded?”
Mr. America: Is that a rhetorical question?
*Debbie: What’s your name stranger?”
The Warlock: Osgood
*Jerry: Jesus saved us, like a ninja turtle”
Mr. America: Huhhhh???
*Jesus: “There’s only one way out.”
The Warlock: The window!
The Warlock: This movie isn’t bad so much as it is just boring.
Mr. America: If there’s not another zombie soon, I’m going to fall asleep.
*Zombies attack Hunter while Lyle is pissing his name*
Mr. America: Now that’s more like it.
*After Hunter kills zombies, Lyle: Need any help over there?”
The Warlock: Better late than never.
*Debbie then does a strip-tease for Hunter, Lyle, Rickey and Alison*
Mr. America: I’m gonna put my phone down for this one.
The Warlock: That is the worst rendition of Pour Some Sugar on Me I’ve ever heard.
*Debbie pulls her top off but only Rickey and Lyle see it*
Mr. America: That just made his day.
*Hunter and Alison fuck, Hunter still has his boots on*
Mr. America: Is that necessary?
The Warlock: Yes, just in case a zombie busts through.
*Hunter pushes Alison off of him*
Mr. America: What a guy.
*Zombie busts through and kills Lyle just before he gets naked*
The Warlock: I would ask where the zombie came from, but he saved us from a naked fat guy, its all good.
*Zombie’s hands get caught in the door*
Mr. America: So give the man a hand!
*Alison kills zombie with a bat*
The Warlock: Home run.
Mr. America: She’s batting 1.000
*Alison and crew run for it, huge creature chases them*
Mr. America: So we got Mad Max, Borderlands, Dawn of the Dead and now the Resident Evil Nemesis.
The Warlock: If you steal from one person, its plagiarism, if you steal from many people its a tribute.
*Jerry, Alison, Rickey and Debbie all puke, Hunter just stands there*
The Warlock: This movie is making everyone hurl in record time.
*Alison steps on a brain: Ugh, what is that?*
Mr. America: Uhhh, a brain?
*Debbie: I gotta pee. Rickey: Need some help?*
Mr. America: What the hell is wrong with you?
The Warlock: Are you fucking stupid?
*Alison: I wonder what happened here*
Mr. America: Well for starters, someone died.
*Hunter stands there as weirdo with chainsaw chases Alison and Debbie*
The Warlock: Some hero.
*Hunter cuts him in half with his own chainsaw*
The Warlock: Well that takes care of Handsome Harold.
*Hunter pulls up to an airplane hanger*
Mr. America: Oh boy a hanger!
*Jerry starts the engine on the plane, it sputters*
The Warlock: That would have been too easy.
*Alison: So what, we just shoot all of them until we run out of bullets?*
The Warlock: Sounds like a plan.
*Ricky picks up AK-47 and Hunter throws it down*
The Warlock: Real smart, disarm your own guy with a gaggle of zombies outside!
*3 CGI creatures attack Hunter*
The Warlock: How many Nemesis’ are there?
*Hunter takes out everything including himself with a grenade*
The Warlock: If he survived that I’m gonna laugh.
*Alison: Rickey, we’re gonna make it.*
Mr. America: I don’t believe you.
*Hunter is alive*
The Warlock: ahahahahahaahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!
Mr. America’s assessment: Meh, not the worst…not good either. 3 out of 10
The Warlock’s assessment: There was some great stuff, but a lot of bad. 6 out of 10
Final Grade: 4.5….Below Average
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was…interesting. Not bad but could be better. The CGI was half good, half stupid….had a weird ending and what the hell was with the CGI monsters? Anyway, that wraps up Zombie Hunter. Join us next time for another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.