4. Zombie Hunter (2013)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce glass of pepsi*

The Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*With his free hand, Warlock flicks his wrist and fire comes out. He extinguishes it and walks in the door*

Warlock: Ready for tonight’s movie, Mr. America.

*Mr. America is cleaning a carbine rifle on the coffee table. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He quickly rises to his feet*

Mr. America: TEN HUT!

*Warlock raises his hand*

Warlock: At ease.

*Mr. America takes his seat in the recliner*

The Warlock: Tonight’s tale is Zombie Hunter, a 2013 B-movie starring Danny Trejo and a Christian Cage lookalike. Who knows if this will be good or not?

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Without further adieu let’s get started with Zombie Hunter.

 

Directed by Kevin King

Written by Kurt Knight

 

*The Warlock reads the description*

Warlock: “When a street drug turns junkies into an army of zombies, a man named Hunter finds himself with nothing but a beat-up car and a trunk full of guns and booze, until he stumbles across a small band of survivors.”

America: Mad Max meets Dawn of the Dead

The Warlock: So what do you think of the idea of Danny Trejo being a preacher?

Mr. America: It leaves a lot to be desired.

 

*The drug is known as Sin*

The Warlock: Final Fantasy 10 is going to sue.

 

*Hunter: Stone cold silence*

The Warlock: Gimmie a hell yeah!

Mr. America: Give it a while, and that will change.

 

*Billy vomits on camera*

The Warlock: That’s disgusting

 

*Guy looks at cheerleader*

The Warlock: Eliza Dushku is NOT looking good these days.

 

*Guy to cheerleader who’s watching tv: Want to go upstairs and watch TV?”

Mr. America: What the hell do you think she was doing?

 

*Cheerleader: My boyfriends downstairs. He may get mad.*

Mr. America: It won’t matter.

 

*Guy bites girl’s tongue off and the screen scatters with blood.*

Mr. America: I’d say she’s dead.

 

*Hunter says that the head in the front seat was messy*

The Warlock: Why is he talking to a head?

Mr. America: To get ahead.

 

*Wheezy pops up*

Mr. America: Hello!!!!

 

*Wheezy blows his own head off after Hunter decapitates another zombie*

Mr. America: Now the store clerk is dead, who’s gonna clean up the mess?

 

*Hunter: I could be the only one left”

Mr. America: I sincerely doubt you are.

 

*A pair of big boobs is seen looking over Hunter*

Mr. America: Oh hello.

 

*Fast Lane Debbie: “Lyle shot you.”

The Warlock: He’s a deadman.

 

*Debbie: Lyle’s a terrible shot.”

Mr. America: Not today he’s not.

 

*Jerry: It starts…that’s about it*

Mr. America: That’s re-assuring.

 

*Alison plops “food” in front of Lyle*

Mr. America: Ugh, what slop.

 

*Hunter: Are you retarded?”

Mr. America: Is that a rhetorical question?

 

*Debbie: What’s your name stranger?”

The Warlock: Osgood

.

*Jerry: Jesus saved us, like a ninja turtle”

Mr. America: Huhhhh???

 

*Jesus: “There’s only one way out.”

The Warlock: The window!

 

*Nothing happens*

The Warlock: This movie isn’t bad so much as it is just boring.

Mr. America: If there’s not another zombie soon, I’m going to fall asleep.

 

*Zombies attack Hunter while Lyle is pissing his name*

Mr. America: Now that’s more like it.

 

*After Hunter kills zombies, Lyle: Need any help over there?”

The Warlock: Better late than never.

 

*Debbie then does a strip-tease for Hunter, Lyle, Rickey and Alison*

Mr. America: I’m gonna put my phone down for this one.

The Warlock: That is the worst rendition of Pour Some Sugar on Me I’ve ever heard.

 

*Debbie pulls her top off but only Rickey and Lyle see it*

Mr. America: That just made his day.

 

*Hunter and Alison fuck, Hunter still has his boots on*

Mr. America: Is that necessary?

The Warlock: Yes, just in case a zombie busts through.

 

*Hunter pushes Alison off of him*

Mr. America: What a guy.

 

*Zombie busts through and kills Lyle just before he gets naked*

The Warlock: I would ask where the zombie came from, but he saved us from a naked fat guy, its all good.

 

*Zombie’s hands get caught in the door*

Mr. America: So give the man a hand!

 

*Alison kills zombie with a bat*

The Warlock: Home run.

Mr. America: She’s batting 1.000

 

*Alison and crew run for it, huge creature chases them*

Mr. America: So we got Mad Max, Borderlands, Dawn of the Dead and now the Resident Evil Nemesis.

The Warlock: If you steal from one person, its plagiarism, if you steal from many people its a tribute.

 

*Jerry, Alison, Rickey and Debbie all puke, Hunter just stands there*

The Warlock: This movie is making everyone hurl in record time.

 

*Alison steps on a brain: Ugh, what is that?*

Mr. America: Uhhh, a brain?

 

*Debbie: I gotta pee.  Rickey: Need some help?*

Mr. America: What the hell is wrong with you?

The Warlock: Are you fucking stupid?

 

*Alison: I wonder what happened here*

Mr. America: Well for starters, someone died.

 

*Hunter stands there as weirdo with chainsaw chases Alison and Debbie*

The Warlock: Some hero.

 

*Hunter cuts him in half with his own chainsaw*

The Warlock: Well that takes care of Handsome Harold.

 

*Hunter pulls up to an airplane hanger*

Mr. America: Oh boy a hanger!

 

*Jerry starts the engine on the plane, it sputters*

The Warlock: That would have been too easy.

 

*Alison: So what, we just shoot all of them until we run out of bullets?*

The Warlock: Sounds like a plan.

 

*Ricky picks up AK-47 and Hunter throws it down*

The Warlock: Real smart, disarm your own guy with a gaggle of zombies outside!

 

*3 CGI creatures attack Hunter*

The Warlock: How many Nemesis’ are there?

 

*Hunter takes out everything including himself with a grenade*

The Warlock: If he survived that I’m gonna laugh.

 

*Alison: Rickey, we’re gonna make it.*

Mr. America: I don’t believe you.

 

*Hunter is alive*

The Warlock: ahahahahahaahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!

 

Mr. America’s assessment:  Meh, not the worst…not good either.  3 out of 10

The Warlock’s assessment: There was some great stuff, but a lot of bad. 6 out of 10

Final Grade: 4.5….Below Average

 

*The Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that was…interesting. Not bad but could be better. The CGI was half good, half stupid….had a weird ending and what the hell was with the CGI monsters? Anyway, that wraps up Zombie Hunter. Join us next time for another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.

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