*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce mug of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates before walking inside the lair*
Warlock: Tonight’s adventure is about an evil tooth fairy…yes of course I’m serious. With me tonight is Mr. America.
*Mr. America pops up from behind the couch wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
Mr. America: Halt, who goes there?
Warlock: Its ok, movie time.
Mr. America: Oh, ok.
*Mr America takes his seat on the left side of the couch*
The Warlock: Also joining us is mister moneybags himself, Mr. Wallstreet
*Mr. Wallstreet is wearing a blue tuxedo with a black tie, brown clogs and sits cross-legged in the recliner while reading the Wall Street Journal.*
Wallstreet: Oh hello there!
*The Warlock takes his seat on the right side of the couch*
Warlock: So without further adieu, its time for Darkness Falls.
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Written by Joe Harris, John Fasano, James Vanderbilt
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A vengeful spirit has taken the form of the Tooth Fairy to exact vengeance on the town that lynched her 150 years earlier. Her only opposition is the only child, now grown up, who has survived her before. ”
Mr. America: One cavity too many.
Mr. Wallstreet: PG-13?
The Warlock: That can’t be good.
Mr. America: Never saw it coming!
“Two children went missing. They blamed Matilda. They hanged her”
The Warlock: Assholes.
Mr. Wallstreet: They jumped the gun a little bit.
Mr. America: Medusa already beat her to the punch on the whole “Don’t look at her face ordeal.”
*Kid spits out blood in sink*
The Warlock: Stop drinking drano kid.
*Kid hides his underwear from his girlfriend*
Mr. Wallstreet: Ugh.
*Kid: Its one of those boy girl dances*
Mr. America: What kind of dance would it be?
Mr. Wallstreet: He must have studied the book on that.
*Kyle kisses girl*
Mr. America: They’re supposed to be kids right?
The Warlock: Yup
Mr. America: Well that’s as far as this love story will progress.
*Kyle wakes up and its raining*
The Warlock: Ever notice its always raining in horror movies?
Mr. Wallstreet: It adds to the effect.
*Kyle tries to fall back asleep*
Mr. America: Just go back to sleep
Mr. Wallstreet: You heard nothing.
*Kyle sees a ghost fly by*
Mr. America: Don’t worry, its not the bogeyman, he hides UNDER the bed.”
*Kyle pulls the sheet over his head*
The Warlock: That’s really not going to help.
Mr. Wallstreet: Stand up and fight!
*Kyle reaches for his flashlight*
Mr. Wallstreet: Reach for your gun, not for your flashlight!
Mr. America: You expect this kid to have a gun?
*Kyle’s mom walks down a long hallway after Kyle screams*
Mr. America: Why are the hallways always long in horror movies?
*Kyle: Stay in the light*
Mr. America: Yeah, stay in the light so Dracula can’t get you! Oh wait, wrong monster.
*Kyle pulls back the shower curtain to look*
Mr. America: Didn’t you learn your lesson the first time?
*Kyle dumps pill bottle on table*
Mr. Wallstreet; Dude’s got problems.
*Cat: How did you get over your noctiphobia?”
The Warlock: I shot someone
Mr. Wallstreet: I didn’t.
*Camera pans to wall of tooth fairy memorabilia*
Mr. Wallstreet: See!
The Warlock: This movie was rated 4.9, that’s not that bad.
Mr. Wallstreet: The storyline’s been good so far, I’m stunned.
Mr. America: You’re making that assumption early.
*Kyle: Want to see something? Its a flashlight.”
Mr. America: Yeah, had to get a new one, broke the first.
*Michael: You’ve seen her before.”
Mr. America: They just met, how did he know that?
Mr. Wallstreet: There’s no Darkness Falls on Google Maps.
Mr. America: Why??? Ugghhh.
*Michael: No one can stop her*
The Warlock: The Ghostbusters can stop her but they’re not here.
*Kyle and Cat get reacquainted*
Mr. America: Enough of this small talk
Mr. Wallstreet: Yes, enough jibber jabber. Prepare yourselves!
*Cat pulls out drawings. “Look at these.”*
Mr. America: Yes, these pieces of paper.
*Cat: The tooth fairy was just a story to scare us.*
Mr. America: That’s what YOU think.
*Larry: “Goodbye honey.” Kyle: “Cat, I’m sorry.”*
Mr. Wallstreet: I think I know why Kyle said he was sorry, she ended up with this loser.
*Larry: C’mon man, I bought you a beer.*
Mr. America: You need new glasses buddy, you saw his pill bottle.
*Ray throws beer on Kyle and challenges him to fight, Kyle walks out.”
The Warlock: Wussy!
*Ray tackles Kyle over a railing and down a hill into the woods*
Mr. Wallstreet; The fight is still on.
*Ray says the woods are his and is taken away by Tooth Fairy*
The Warlock: So much for Insidious Dude.
*Officer Matt says to split up*
Mr. America: When has splitting up in a movie ever worked?
*Larry admits that splitting up isn’t a good idea*
Mr America: Yayyyy, finally someone smart!
*Cat: Kyle sit down, you’re bleeding.”
The Warlock: Notice he’s always bleeding around her?
*Cat: So how did the fight start?*
Mr. America: Its best that you don’t know.
*Cat finds Michael in the shower stall, his wrist and arm cut*
The Warlock: He’ll be alright, he went up/down not side to side.
*Larry pulls a trigger on a rifle on the rack, click*
Mr. America: IDIOT!
*Michael is wheeled out on a gurney*
Mr. America: Follow the pretty lights.
*Larry crashes the car and Kyle goes flying through the windshield*
The Warlock: Ahhhhh blerghhh puhhhh pahhhhhh!
*Larry is dragged away, Kyle gets in car and drives away*
The Warlock: He left his friend behind, what an asshole!
*Doctor injects kid with a needle, he screams*
The Warlock: Oh yeah, give him yet another phobia, needles.
*The town suffers a blackout, Kyle starts freaking out*
Mr. Wallstreet: Ha, look at him.
*Officer Matt searches the evidence room*
Mr. America: Well, if he bites it, at least he’s already in evidence.
*Matt stumbles about in the dark and knocks something over*
Mr. America: Ok now you’re just making a mess.
*Captain Henry shoots at Matilda*
The Warlock: Its a ghost, that’s not gonna work!
*Cat runs into a storage closet with Michael, something bangs on the door*
Mr. Wallstreet: I want your tooth!
Mr. America: They’re at the hospital right?
The Warlock: Yeah
Mr. America: I love how its completely deserted of staff.
The Warlock: Cowards.’
*Kyle says to stay in the light. Doctor Murphy says what about us*
Mr. Wallstreet: You can be a decoy for me!
*Matt crashes through the wall with a police van*
The Warlock: HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAYYYYY!!!!
*Doctor: I think we’re safe in here. Matilda drags him out the window*
Mr. Wallstreet: Famous last words!
Mr. America: Wait a minute, they’re in a police van. TURN THE FUCKING SIRENS ON!
Mr. Wallstreet: Put your guns down, its no use against this lifeform.
The Warlock: The Human Torch would nuke this thing in two seconds.
*Michael cracks a glowstick*
The Warlock: Where did he get that?
Mr. Wallstreet: He had it up his ass.
*Matilda snatches Cat, Kyle heaves a gas lantern at her*
The Warlock: Oh yeah, set Cat on fire, great idea!
*Kyle falls to the ground, his right arm on fire. He gently pats it out with his left hand*
The Warlock: That would have burned his hand off.
*Camera pans on a tooth on the ground*
The Warlock: Hey, there’s the tooth. Kyle can rest easy now.
Mr. Wallstreet’s Assessment: “I thought it was really good, the storyline was great. The suspense was great when needed to be. This movie should have never been in the bad movie category. 8 out of 10
Mr. America’s Assessment: A watchable surprise. 5 out of 10.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I’m shocked. I was expecting evil tooth fairy to be horrendous, instead it was GOOD. Good soundtrack, good suspense, good CGI, I’m stunned. 7 out of 10
Final Grade: 6.5 Very good
Mr. America: All my baby teeth are out, I’m safe.
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that about wraps up Darkness Falls. It was shockingly good. All it needed was A-List actors and this would have actually done well in theaters. Join us next time for another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.