Final Examination (2003)

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*The door opens and The Warlock, bedecked in black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers appears*

Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. Tonight’s movie will be a doozy, it involves demented family members, bitchy sorority girls and a serial killer on the loose at a Hawaiian resort. Tonight’s guests include Mr. America as always.

*Mr. America appears in the viewing room in his white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with combat boots and aviator shades. He puts his bazooka down and expects nobody to notice*

Also a special guest tonight, Mr. Wallstreet.

*Mr. Wallstreet is in a white, double knit suit with a black tie, brown clogs and sits in the recliner reading through The Wallstreet Journal*

Mr. Wallstreet: Oh hello.

*Mr. America takes his seat on the couch*

The Warlock: Without further adieu, let’s get started with Final Examination.

*The Warlock takes his seat on the opposite end of the couch, he reads the back of the box*

“A burned out L.A. detective moves to Hawaii, where he stumbles upon a murder at a college sorority reunion.”

The Warlock: Ohhhhhh great.

Mr. America: So if this is Final Examination, will this movie be graded on a curve?

*The movie begins. A crying female plunges car off a bridge to a construction site below. Car explodes*

Mr. America: Well this started with a bang!

*5 Years Later graphic*

Mr. Wallstreet: 5 years later and we still don’t know what the deal is.

*Man in overcoat and cowboy hat walks around*

Mr. America: This is like a low budget Crocodile Dundee.

*goes from sun to rain in one frame*

Mr. America: How did it go from sunny to torrential downpour in one second?

*car flips onto subway stairs*

Mr. America: Alright, let’s take the subway from here.

*Lieutenant: We’re sending you someplace where you won’t cause trouble.*

Mr. America: No trouble? There would be no movie!

*Lieutenant: Hugh Janus here*

Warlock: Hugh Janus….huge anus? You gotta be kidding me.

*Cop: I could have kicked his ass.”

Mr. America: I don’t believe you.

*Hot girls get off helicopter*

Mr. Wallstreet: Holla!

*Girl jumps off helicopter onto the helipad*

Mr. America: “That’s right. Let’s keep jumping higher to see what kind of haircut the rotor blades give you”

*William: Yours was the only sorority in Big Island University*

The Warlock: Big Island University? Is there such a place?

*Terri: So what are you saying? I’m not as hot as I was 5 years ago?*

Mr. Wallstreet: Sadly no.

*Woman: This is the life, I could get used to this.”

Mr. America: Lounging in chairs, I call that lazy!

*Woman gets naked and gets in the shower*

The Warlock: This automatically makes it NOT the worst movie ever.

*Woman completes shower*

The Warlock: She didn’t even use soap.

Mr. America: Her hair wasn’t even wet!

*Unidentified man spies on William and Terri making out in Jacuzzi*

Mr. America: Look out for the peeping Tom!

*William and Terri start having sex in Jacuzzi*

Mr. Wallstreet: Aren’t they in public? That’s messed up!

*William and Terri share a kiss*

Mr. America: Ughhhhh

*William finds Terri strangled in the pool, screams for help*

The Warlock: You just had sex meaning there’s no one there, there’s no one to help!

*Final Examination for Terri: FAILED*

Mr. You can say he choked.

*Newman: The killer has a lot of upper body strength.  Fergie: Or completely insane”

The Warlock: What does being insane have to do with being jacked?

*Small train pulls up outside hotel*

Mr. America: That is a dinky train!

*Newman: I don’t want any of you to leave the hotel*

Mr. Wallstreet: That’s where the killer is!

*Amanda: Yeah I’ll meet you in 15 minutes”

Mr. America: Don’t do it!

*Amanda walks around Jacuzzi alone, music picks up*

Mr. America: Cue creepy music

*Newman has dream of Seska in a bikini, tosses and turns*

The Warlock: How is that a nightmare?

*Newman’s dream ends with him waking up after Terri goes down on him*

The Warlock: Again, how is that a nightmare?

Mr. America: Maybe she’s a biter.

*Newslady: There are two dead sorority girls, is there a connection?”

The Warlock: Nooooo, can’t be!

*Newman walks around in a Hawaiian shirt*

The Warlock: That shirt makes me want to throw up.

*William starts making out with Megan*

The Warlock: Terri’s body isn’t even cold yet…jesus.

*William has sex with Megan”

The Warlock: The guy gets laid twice in two days by two different girls….this guy is my hero.

The Warlock: If Megan is really 26 I’ll eat my shoe.

*Professor Andrews: What would a Hawaiian detective want with me?*

Mr. America: To talk to you, stupid!

*William tells Newman to meet him at the Lagoon at the mall, Newman and Seska run through a jewelry store*

The Warlock: He said he was at a lagoon, get out of Macy’s!

*Seska finds Newman on the ground. Seska: Are you ok?”

Mr. America: Never been better!

Charlie: “I was busy”

Mr. America: You were playing the most basic Blues scale I’ve ever heard. Jamming is not busy!”

*Taylor invites Newman into her hotel room*

Mr. America: Its a trap!!

*Taylor: I ordered room service*

Mr. America: Here we go, watch for the wine bottle next.

*Taylor: I’ve been saving this wine for a special occasion.

The Warlock: Good call

The Warlock: I bet you Derek Simmons is Rachel’s brother

*Seska: Rachel Kincaide had a brother named Derek”

The Warlock: See! What did I tell ya!

Lieutenant: I’m Hugh and I’m huge

Mr. America, Mr Wallstreet and The Warlock: “OH GOD!”

*Professor has blood on his lip out of nowhere*

Mr. America where did that come from?

*Professor drives over Christmas trees to escape the detectives*

Mr. America: That’s ok, they’re out of season.

*Taylor hits on Newman*

Mr. Wallstreet: I see where this is going.

*Mr. America notices the engagement ring on Taylor’s ring finger*

Mr. America: CHEATER!

*Newman lifts up Taylor’s shirt and exposes her breasts*

The Warlock: I’m not complaining.

*Taylor has sex with Newman*

Mr. Wallstreet: He’s had his calcium intake for the day

Mr. America: So does that means she’s had her protein for the day?

The Warlock: She’s about to.

*Seska screams police, stubs her toe and stumbles into hotel room*

Mr. America: That’s awful stealth

*Newman: This bookmark is the first piece of evidence of this case”

Mr. America: You’ve been on the case how long and only now you have evidence. You’re detecting sucks!

*Kristen pulls a gun*

Mr. Wallstreet: SHE’S GOT A GUN!

*The killer attacks Megan, rather than use the gun, Kristen hits the killer with an axehandle smash to the back*

The Warlock: SHE HAD A GUN? WHY DIDN’T SHE SHOOT HIM? WHAT WAS THATTT?????

*Kristen and Megan run out of the room and she holds up the gun*

Mr America: The killer is the OTHER way!

*Megan and Kristen pull the mask off the killer, its Derek*

The Warlock: I knew it all along.

*Taylor is revealed to be Derek and Rachel’s sister*

The Warlock: Why didn’t Newman do background checks days earlier?

*Taylor stabs herself and falls off the waterfall*

The Warlock: Hara-kiri!

*Taylor pops up and stabs Newman in the heart, he barely flinches and shoots her*

The Warlock: She got him in the heart, he should be dead.

*The professor’s clerk shoots Andrews and declares himself to be Sam Kincaide*

Mr. Wallstreet: They’re coming out of the woodwork.

Mr. Wallstreet’s assessment: It was worth watching until the last scene

Mr. America’s assessment: This only leaves me with one question, how many Kincaides ARE there?

The Warlock assessment: This movie was a 4….tilting toward 4.5 but the ending ruined it.

Final grade: 4 out of 10  (Wallstreet: Begrudgingly)

Bonus:

Mr. America: So was the prequel to this movie “Mid-Terms”?

*The Warlock rises from the couch and stretches*

That wraps up Final Examination, join us next time for another craptastic advenutre. Have a pleasant evening.

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