*The Warlock opens the door bedecked in a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. Tonight’s film will be a shoestring budget horror flick from 2007 about college kids in an insane asylum. I just know we’ll hate it. Tonight’s guest is Mr. America as always.
*Mr. America is already in his seat on the couch bedecked in white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He continously pulls a pin out of a grenade and puts it back.*
The Warlock: Let’s try not to blow up the viewing room please?
Mr. America: Sorry.
*The Warlock takes his seat on his side of the couch.*
So without further adeiu, its time for Don’t Look in the Cellar.
“A group of college students regret their decision to sneak into the cellar of a haunted asylum on Halloween. One by one they encounter Smiley, the last of a flawed bloodline.”
The Warlock: A haunted asylum?
Mr. America: What a party!
*Girl appears onscreen*
Mr. America: Wasn’t this chick in The Amazing Bulk?
The Warlock: Yeah
Mr. America: Which came out first?
The Warlock: This movie.
Mr. America: Oh her career’s gone far.
*The two girls walk upstairs*
Mr. America: They’re going upstairs?
The Warlock: Yeah, no cellar yet.
Mr. America: That’s false advertising.
*A graphic reads ‘A David Sterling Production’*
Mr. America: It should have been his last production!
*A college lecture hall is the size of an elementary school classroom*
The Warlock: I’ve heard of low budget but this is ridiculous.
*Two girls are in front of a swimming pool in bikinis*
Girl: You want to go swimming?
The Warlock: What the hell do you think she was about to do?
*Girl jumps on bed, other girl stares at her*
Mr. America: Oh just fuck already.
*A random dude shows up at the asylum*
The Warlock: Who the hell is this guy?
Mr. America: Looks like a bum
*The killer jumps out and kills him*
The Warlock: I guess character development is out the window.
*Fat Guy: I got a bad feeling about this. Its only gonna get worse.*
The Warlock: So is this movie.
The Warlock: This movie is so low budget the “insane asylum” looks like the director’s house.
Mr. America: If he’s directing these kind of movies, he can’t afford a house.
*Killer attacks and swipes at a girl with knife, decapitates her*
The Warlock: How the hell can you decapitate someone with a butcher knife?
Mr. America: Sharp blades
*Woman walks toward “asylum” in red jacket*
Mr. America: Who the fuck is that, red riding hood?
*Girl runs out of room. Other girl: Should we follow her?”
The Warlock: Nah!!
Mr. America: Not gonna live long enough.
*Girl walks downstairs into the cellar*
Mr. America: This isnt an asylum, this is someone’s basement!
The Warlock: Whoever directed this could have at least taken the pictures off the god damned wall.
*Girl: How are we gonna get out of here?*
Mr. America: The brilliance of these people is mind boggling.
*Fat Guy: This is my house*
The Warlock: It probably IS his house in real life.
*Fat guy: I told her not to go into the cellar.
Girl: The cellar, let’s go.
The Warlock: Wow.
*killer attacks guy, he calmly says “no” as he’s being stabbed.*
The Warlock: You could have at least ACTED scared.
Mr. America: I could have done that!
*Fat Guy: She was brought in to stop a fight. A woman walks in and 3 inmates are staring at a wall*
Mr. America: Not much of a fight.
*Girl attacks killer with a knife, she’s stabbed and killed*
The Warlock: I give her an A for effort.
*Girl tries to talk killer out of killing her and her boyfriend. The boyfriend is standing behind her.*
Mr. America: What a man, hiding behind his girlfriend.
*At the end of the movie both Mr. America and The Warlock are sprawled out on the floor, too disgusted to continue.
The Warlock: Ughhhh
Mr. America: Make it stop!
*The credits roll*
The Warlock: Wait….what?
Mr. America: We made it!!!!
Mr. America’s assessment: I give it a 1.5. Almost as bad as Dead Clowns.
The Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 2.0. It was so hilariously bad.
Final Grade: 2.0….Abomination.
The Warlock: That’s it for Don’t Look in the Cellar, a movie Mr. America and I could have funded, written and acted better. Join us next time for Final Examination which will include special guest Mr. Wallstret. Have a pleasant evening.